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Need4bean · July 2012

Long story short, I have always been amazed by adoption. I never thought I would have the privilege of adopting. First because I always thought I could have biological children, but second because I didn't think we would have the $ for it.

In the last 4 years our situations have changed and it seems like fate has aligned us with this path. I am not religious, but something has brought us to this rd.

I have started researching agencies. And as I am sure many new "to be" adoptive parents are - how do you know its the right one?

I have questions I hope you can answer to help us.

1. How do you know the RIGHT agency?

2. Where in the world do you start.. agency first, then have them set up the home visit / study. Or do you get the home study out of the way and then an agency comes later?

I of course want everything to go right. I am afraid of mistakes, and I hear horror stories.. how do you know you are not getting screwed financially? My aunt adopted 2 children and ended up having to bribe the agent in Russia, and they lost so much money. We want to adopt domestically, for several reasons but what is the best tip you can give to beginners like us?

Thank you so much for any advice!

IRR · July 2012

To find an agency I would first attend some information sessions to help you understand the process. From there you should decide if you want to just use an agency for your home study or for the entire adoption process. You may decide to do an independent adoption through a lawyer and not use an agency for anything but your homestudy. By attending a couple of sessions (they are usually free) you will get a feel for some agencies and you can also interview some of them by asking them questions. We discarded a couple of agencies because they didn't believe in dual pathing IVF with adoption. Others may just not feel right to you, either too religious or not religious enough. Perhaps the agency hasn't placed that many children in the past 12 months. There are also some books you can read about the adoption process that may also help you in choosing which agency to work with. One being "Is Adoption for You? by Christine Adamec. We picked our agency based on some of the above and location and then we were nervous about which social worker we would be assigned. LOVE our SW, and it made the entire Homestudy process that much easier. Good luck.

Need4bean · July 2012

That was all great advice, thank you so much!!

silliestbunny · July 2012

Welcome! There are some great FAQ at the top of our page.

As for choosing an agency, expose yourself to as many as possible... and research them. Welcome the good and bad reviews...

Also, make a list of your top priorities... wait time, cost, small vs large, etc. That will help you make some the deciding easier.

Also note that your agency doesn't necessarily need to be in your state... many people assume you need to find one in your community.

Stick around and ask questions! We love lending a helping ear.

Dr.Loretta · July 2012

1. There were a lot of factors that went into it. We did some research on review sites, asked around to find out their reputations, and frankly just talked to them. First we attended webinars or informational seminars. Then we spent an hour each on the phone with 2 different agencies that we were interested in. One really clicked with us, and that's the one we chose. Their fees were pretty high, but they are large, established, and had an amazing staff who knew what they were doing. DH was a little hesitant, but his CW used them for her international homestudy, and that was the nudge he needed. You can also ask for references, and talk to people who adopted through them. You can even talk to those whose adoptions fell through to see how their experience was.

2. If you're going with a full-service agency, they will either do the homestudy or contract with someone. I'd pick the agency first. Each one does homestudies a little differently, so you don't want to get an independent HS only to find out you have to "redo" certain things because they do them differently. And homestudies have expiration dates. You wouldn't want to have one and find out you have that much less time before it expires because you were still looking for an agency.

I'd check the FAQs for resources on some questions to ask and things to look for. Transparency with fees was a big thing with us. You can go to our agency's website and find a detailed breakdown of fees, when they're due, what they're used for, etc. Their contract clearly stated what happened to $ if a match fell through, etc.

But ultimately it will still somewhat be a leap of faith. Much like life.

alohagirl59 · July 2012

Have you looked into adopting a waiting child from foster care? It's virtually cost-free and it provides a child who truly needs them with a home and love. Most infants who are relinquished could be successfully raised by their biological parents if they had a little emotional and/or financial support. It really sticks in my craw that people pay adoption agencies thousands upon thousands of dollars to adopt a baby. It's child-selling, pure and simple. Babies aren't babies forever. Is it worth it to buy a child immediately after birth only to have him grow up in a couple of years and not be a 'baby' anymore?

Courtneyluff · July 2012

alohagirl59:
Have you looked into adopting a waiting child from foster care? It's virtually cost-free and it provides a child who truly needs them with a home and love. Most infants who are relinquished could be successfully raised by their biological parents if they had a little emotional and/or financial support. It really sticks in my craw that people pay adoption agencies thousands upon thousands of dollars to adopt a baby. It's child-selling, pure and simple. Babies aren't babies forever. Is it worth it to buy a child immediately after birth only to have him grow up in a couple of years and not be a 'baby' anymore?

I have a strong belief in fostering, but that does not mean it is any better than any other way of family building. My sister was placed for adoption at birth because my parents were very young and already had two children. My childhood was traumatic and not the best for a child. Having my sister go to a family from birth where she never had to have the same childhood we did is a blessing every day. It was the best thing for her adoptive family, our family, and her. To insinuate that my parents sold her, or that they bought her, is terrible. Why let a child stay in a home where the BP's have already made a plan and know that adoption is right for them?

And your part about "Is it worth it to buy a child immediately after birth only to have him grow up in a couple of years and not be a 'baby' anymore?" Is it worth it to keep a baby in an unstable environment for a couple years and end up in foster care just so that these families can't be completed at birth?

I also don't want to say that any BM who tried to parent would end up losing their child to foster care, because I know all of you are very strong women who made the adoption plan with your child's best interest at heart, and for that I truly commend you.l

I am very sorry, this just seemed offensive to me.

Patches08 · July 2012

Courtneyluff:
alohagirl59:
Have you looked into adopting a waiting child from foster care? It's virtually cost-free and it provides a child who truly needs them with a home and love. Most infants who are relinquished could be successfully raised by their biological parents if they had a little emotional and/or financial support. It really sticks in my craw that people pay adoption agencies thousands upon thousands of dollars to adopt a baby. It's child-selling, pure and simple. Babies aren't babies forever. Is it worth it to buy a child immediately after birth only to have him grow up in a couple of years and not be a 'baby' anymore?
I have a strong belief in fostering, but that does not mean it is any better than any other way of family building. My sister was placed for adoption at birth because my parents were very young and already had two children. My childhood was traumatic and not the best for a child. Having my sister go to a family from birth where she never had to have the same childhood we did is a blessing every day. It was the best thing for her adoptive family, our family, and her. To insinuate that my parents sold her, or that they bought her, is terrible. Why let a child stay in a home where the BP's have already made a plan and know that adoption is right for them?
And your part about "Is it worth it to buy a child immediately after birth only to have him grow up in a couple of years and not be a 'baby' anymore?" Is it worth it to keep a baby in an unstable environment for a couple years and end up in foster care just so that these families can't be completed at birth?
I also don't want to say that any BM who tried to parent would end up losing their child to foster care, because I know all of you are very strong women who made the adoption plan with your child's best interest at heart, and for that I truly commend you.l
I am very sorry, this just seemed offensive to me.

She's a troll. Her 'story' - She and her husband divorced during the foster to adopt process and she thinks every BP should keep their babies because adoption = selling. Most of the posts she responded to were deleted by OP.

Courtneyluff · July 2012

Patches08:
Courtneyluff:
alohagirl59:
Have you looked into adopting a waiting child from foster care? It's virtually cost-free and it provides a child who truly needs them with a home and love. Most infants who are relinquished could be successfully raised by their biological parents if they had a little emotional and/or financial support. It really sticks in my craw that people pay adoption agencies thousands upon thousands of dollars to adopt a baby. It's child-selling, pure and simple. Babies aren't babies forever. Is it worth it to buy a child immediately after birth only to have him grow up in a couple of years and not be a 'baby' anymore?
I have a strong belief in fostering, but that does not mean it is any better than any other way of family building. My sister was placed for adoption at birth because my parents were very young and already had two children. My childhood was traumatic and not the best for a child. Having my sister go to a family from birth where she never had to have the same childhood we did is a blessing every day. It was the best thing for her adoptive family, our family, and her. To insinuate that my parents sold her, or that they bought her, is terrible. Why let a child stay in a home where the BP's have already made a plan and know that adoption is right for them?
And your part about "Is it worth it to buy a child immediately after birth only to have him grow up in a couple of years and not be a 'baby' anymore?" Is it worth it to keep a baby in an unstable environment for a couple years and end up in foster care just so that these families can't be completed at birth?
I also don't want to say that any BM who tried to parent would end up losing their child to foster care, because I know all of you are very strong women who made the adoption plan with your child's best interest at heart, and for that I truly commend you.l
I am very sorry, this just seemed offensive to me.

She's a troll. Her 'story' - She and her husband divorced during the foster to adopt process and she thinks every BP should keep their babies because adoption = selling. Most of the posts she responded to were deleted by OP.

Ah. Thank you.

Need4bean · July 2012

Dr.Loretta:
1. There were a lot of factors that went into it. We did some research on review sites, asked around to find out their reputations, and frankly just talked to them. First we attended webinars or informational seminars. Then we spent an hour each on the phone with 2 different agencies that we were interested in. One really clicked with us, and that's the one we chose. Their fees were pretty high, but they are large, established, and had an amazing staff who knew what they were doing. DH was a little hesitant, but his CW used them for her international homestudy, and that was the nudge he needed. You can also ask for references, and talk to people who adopted through them. You can even talk to those whose adoptions fell through to see how their experience was.

2. If you're going with a full-service agency, they will either do the homestudy or contract with someone. I'd pick the agency first. Each one does homestudies a little differently, so you don't want to get an independent HS only to find out you have to "redo" certain things because they do them differently. And homestudies have expiration dates. You wouldn't want to have one and find out you have that much less time before it expires because you were still looking for an agency.

I'd check the FAQs for resources on some questions to ask and things to look for. Transparency with fees was a big thing with us. You can go to our agency's website and find a detailed breakdown of fees, when they're due, what they're used for, etc. Their contract clearly stated what happened to $ if a match fell through, etc.

But ultimately it will still somewhat be a leap of faith. Much like life.

THANK YOU for this. We have already made contact with several agencies, and of course each one promotes the best of themselves as well as the bad. However what do we know is truthful? I love your idea about references. My Aunt - like I mentioned had a terrible experience adopting abroad. Also I don't want to ask for information from her because if I say something to her, the whole world will know our business. But in her case - she adopted on baby boy from Russia and when she got there the orphanage guilted her into not separating brothers. She came home with 2 babies, brothers, a month later than she intended and thousands of dollars more in costs. She never had them tested, it doesn't matter - but the boys are now 16 and 18 and look NOTHING alike. Chances are they aren't related, the orphanage just wanted more $. Both boys have lots and lots of developmental issues. One is currently in a state facility, has threatened to murder, has injured and abused animals with knives, sticks etc. its a sad sad story.

I know that its a leap of faith, but I also know that the right agency can be an honest advocate for your best interest. I think my poor Aunt didn't have this knowledge. I am so happy to have found this avenue for communication - and other people who have experience. Thanks again!

alohagirl59 · July 2012

I am not a troll. What does my divorce have to do with considering me a troll? When money changes hands, a sale is made. How do you not see this? If you don't like what I have to say, fine. But calling me a troll is ridiculous. I'd really like to know what my divorce has to do with that. And no, my posts have not been deleted. But if they were, what would that tell you? Hitting a little too close to home, maybe?

Patches08 · July 2012

Your divorce has nothing to do with it. I was just filling the poster in about your background with adoption. But your negative attitude and comments do.. If you don't like adoption then fine but this is an adoption support board. Go bark up another tree. Go stand out front of adoption agencies and protest, but this is a friendly community. Take your negativity elsewhere, it isn't wanted here. And for the record, NO ONE bought my daughter. I made a plan for her. BIG DIFFERENCE.

alohagirl59 · July 2012

You are the one who brought up my divorce. You don't want me to be negative, yet you slam me for something that was very painful in my life. Tit for tat, sweetheart. I have no problem with adoption from foster care and I have stated that in at least one post. I am entitled to my opinion, just as you are yours. But yes, your daughter was sold. Don't tell me that the APs didn't pay the agency anything because you'll be lying. You might not like how it sounds, but it's the truth. Agencies make over $3 billion annually in the U.S. and their employees don't work for free. SOMEONE made money from selling your child. The only thing that would make it at least somewhat ethical would be if the bio parents were the ones who were paid.

Dr.Loretta · July 2012

alohagirl59:
Don't tell me that the APs didn't pay the agency anything because you'll be lying. You might not like how it sounds, but it's the truth. Agencies make over $3 billion annually in the U.S. and their employees don't work for free. SOMEONE made money from selling your child. The only thing that would make it at least somewhat ethical would be if the bio parents were the ones who were paid.

Of course they pay for things. Like getting a clearance to show that they're not child abusers. And to pay a social worker who is working his/her tail off to find homes for children who need them. And (gasp) to pay birthparent expenses (which negates your last argument).

Clearly you don't know much about domestic infant adoption.

I'm sorry things didn't work out for you. I'm sorry you're bitter. But to come spewing this stuff isn't helpful at all.

alohagirl59 · July 2012

Dr.Loretta:
alohagirl59:
Don't tell me that the APs didn't pay the agency anything because you'll be lying. You might not like how it sounds, but it's the truth. Agencies make over $3 billion annually in the U.S. and their employees don't work for free. SOMEONE made money from selling your child. The only thing that would make it at least somewhat ethical would be if the bio parents were the ones who were paid.

Of course they pay for things. Like getting a clearance to show that they're not child abusers. And to pay a social worker who is working his/her tail off to find homes for children who need them. And (gasp) to pay birthparent expenses (which negates your last argument).

Clearly you don't know much about domestic infant adoption.

I'm sorry things didn't work out for you. I'm sorry you're bitter. But to come spewing this stuff isn't helpful at all.

I know a lot of domestic infant adoption, actually. You deliberately 'misunderstood' what I was saying about paying for adoption. In addition to clearance from DOJ, APs pay a hefty fee to the agency for the baby. Agencies try to disguise it as "advertising fees," but since there are 30+ waiting couples for every surrendered infant, advertising is unnecessary. In addition, why is the "advertising" for black and Latino babies cheaper?

"Paying birthparent expenses" does NOT negate my last argument. That money doesn't go to the bio parents. It goes to the doctors, etc. who take care of the bio mom. Now who doesn't know anything about domestic infant adoption?

Funny how when someone disagrees with your unicorns and rainbows vision of newborn adoption, that person is called "bitter." What do you mean by saying you're sorry it didn't work out for me? Sorry WHAT didn't work out for me? Rather than show me how newborn adoption is right, you attack me personally. Charming.

Dr.Loretta · July 2012

Your response clearly shows you don't understand it. Because each adoption is so unique, you can't speak in any of the generalities you did.

I didn't attack you personally. Someone said you had a divorce and a foster adoption fell through. So I said I was sorry that things didn't work out for you (the adoption and the marriage). I fail to see how that's a personal attack. You coming here to lecture people, throw out one-liners on the evils of adoption, and attack others, indicates to me that you may be bitter.

OP, take all responses to any inquiries (general or agency-specific) with a grain of salt and a critical eye. No agency will be perfect. People's experiences will be different. Talking to people whose adoptions fell through will help you see how the agency handles the bad as well as the good, which can be very telling. Look at placement rates (as not all have 30 waiting couples per placed child). I apologize for the negativity that seems to be pervading this board lately, but this is good preparation for what you may encounter as you continue. I wish you the best of luck, and please keep asking questions.

Patches08 · July 2012

Dr.Loretta:
Your response clearly shows you don't understand it. Because each adoption is so unique, you can't speak in any of the generalities you did.

I didn't attack you personally. Someone said you had a divorce and a foster adoption fell through. So I said I was sorry that things didn't work out for you (the adoption and the marriage). I fail to see how that's a personal attack. You coming here to lecture people, throw out one-liners on the evils of adoption, and attack others, indicates to me that you may be bitter.

OP, take all responses to any inquiries (general or agency-specific) with a grain of salt and a critical eye. No agency will be perfect. People's experiences will be different. Talking to people whose adoptions fell through will help you see how the agency handles the bad as well as the good, which can be very telling. Look at placement rates (as not all have 30 waiting couples per placed child). I apologize for the negativity that seems to be pervading this board lately, but this is good preparation for what you may encounter as you continue. I wish you the best of luck, and please keep asking questions.

You're so tactful, Dr. L. I love your response.

alohagirl59 · July 2012

I never said anything about a foster adoption falling through. Perhaps the same person who called me a troll is now making up stories about me. Stop your assumptions, please.

HopingforChange · July 2012

alohagirl59:
I never said anything about a foster adoption falling through. Perhaps the same person who called me a troll is now making up stories about me. Stop your assumptions, please.

You are seriously a nightmare of a person. Who comes on an adoption board and says adoption is tantamount to selling babies because there are advertising fees? Of course there are fees. Agencies need to get their name out there so that BMs will know their resources and will know that they have options in their pregnancy. That costs money. Staffing costs money. There are even costs with adopting from foster care, whether they are reimbursed by the state or not. Staff need to be paid, even staff who are working for a good cause.

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