- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Baby Showers
CaitlinMC21
member
2 showers... updated
CaitlinMC21
member
in Baby Showers
So I decided to just bear with it and not bring up DH being there. I told her when my other one is planned for and the other days that work well for me. She proceeded to tell me that she has to have knee surgery in the fall, so she has to schedule that too. She said she might just wait to have the surgery after my other shower, so that she can attend that one.
When she first mentioned her hosting one, she said it would be a separate shower for her side of the family. I was under the impression that she was not planning on inviting any of my family to it. So when she mentioned that she plans to come to my other shower, I immediately wanted to tell her that she won't be invited. I don't want to be rude to her, and DH plans on talking to her, but since she brought up separate showers, I took it as she will throw one for her side of the family without my family being invited, and my other shower will be for my side of family without having to invite DH family. I mentioned that she just needs to focus on taking care of herself and her surgery and to not worry about being at my other one since she is hosting one herself, and she says "well, i'm the grandma so i should be at both." So what about my mom? She is going to be a grandma as well, and I guarantee MIL isn't planning on inviting her.
In my last post, I mentioned that she tries to control everything. I thought by talking to her, it would clear up everything and not have to worry about it. But now she is making it seem that her being at both is more important than my mom being invited to both.
How should DH and I approach her about this? To be honest, I have been in avoidance mode with her for over a year now, so if I can limit my exposure to her, I will try everything I can to make that happen. That includes her not being at the shower my family is hosting. I don't want to just tell her she won't be getting an invite, so DH is thinking about just telling her that we were under the impression that she wanted a separate shower, so the one she throws, she doesn't need to worry about inviting my family and vice versa.
Warning
No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
This discussion has been closed.
Re: 2 showers... updated
If your MIL is assuming that she will be invited to the shower your family is throwing are you sure that she isn't planning to invite your mother to hers? I am just thinking since she said that she is the grandmother and that she should be at both, perhaps she assumes the same for your mom.
Of course, she may just be selfish and is only thinking of herself, but maybe you should try to find out for certain before telling her she isn't invited to your other shower. I know you would prefer that she not be there, but it is fairly typical that both grandmothers come to each shower, unless there are special circumstances.
I'm not sure if you read my previous post. I vented my frustrations about her in that post. Yes, she is very selfish and a major control freak. She didn't say that she is one of the grandmothers, she said the grandmother (as if she outranks my mom). And when she brought up the shower she plans to host, she said it would be a separate shower, implying her family only. She has not even mentioned my mom coming, let along asked for a list of addresses. So it seems to me that she is just thinking of herself.
I just think it's rude for her to say they will be separate showers, then assume she can come to both when she didn't mention my mom being invited to the one she is hosting. My sister hosted my bridal shower, and MIL tried to control everything that day and made my sister feel like she was no longer the host. This is the reason when she mentioned separate showers, I was totally okay with that. Because a little part of me doesn't want her at both (limited exposure).
The other reason I was more than okay with separate showers is because of the size of our families. The shower my aunt is hosting, the guest list (not including DH family and includes a handful of friends) is already at 30 people. She is planning on having shower in her own home. DH's family size is close to that number. So separate showers splits up the cost and the size of the party.
"Don't marry a man unless you would be PROUD to have a son exactly like him." ~ Unknown
Yes, I read your previous post. While your MIL certainly sounds very difficult to deal with, I was just trying to point out that you can't know if she does or doesn't intend to invite your mom unless you ask or say something about it. She may not, she may just be a b!tch, but she may be planning to invite your mom.
I also think you are reading a lot into her comment that she said she is the grandmother. She was talking about herself in that instance so it sounds normal that she didn't refer to the grandmothers.
You obviously know her best, but you came here with an update and I am just suggesting that you get clarification on this particular issue before you tell her she isn't invited to your family shower. That's all I was saying. Good luck.
I truly empathize with you. My MIL is CRAZY! I too have been in avoidance mode for a long time. The woman literally gives me nightmares.
I understand not wanting her at your other shower. However, at this point that might be hard to avoid. Especially since she has already mentioned it multiple times and that has reinforced the idea that she is going. Here's a few thoughts and ideas I hope help you out:
I have found that on occasion it is just better to let my crazy MIL be mad and hold a grudge than to let her manipulate, lie and control like a psycho. I spent a long time being afraid of her, just like the rest of her family is. She acts however she wants no matter how selfish or publicly embarrassing it may be and no one in her family says a word because they're afraid of her. The way I look at it, now that I'm pregnant, is it's better to let her know the ground rules now and that she doesn't always get her way. Otherwise, I fear she will pull the exact same nonsense with MY CHILD. Then, knowing how I am, I will go over-protective mama bear crazy on her and it will just be bad, bad, bad... I'm thinking that your situation may be similar to mine. I recommend that you start trying to stick up for yourself in the nicest most diplomatic way possible before your baby is born. The other day my MIL was trying to force me to do something I didn't want to do. I just looked her right in the eye in a calm and relaxed way and said, "No. I don't want to do that." She got this insane, angry look on her face and said in a vicious voice, "NO? WHAT DO YOU MEAN NO?!?" I simply repeated what I said in a calm voice. She then turned around in a total fit of anger and walked away. Within three minutes she was acting as if it never happened. It was awesome! She might still be mad about it now, but honestly I don't care. As long as she learns to tread lightly and that she can't bully me, then I'm happy. That may sound negative but the reality is that I can't change the kind of person she is. Nothing is ever going to make her happy. So be it.
I think that with your shower situation, you should simply lay it in the line. Keep in mind, this is as much you DH's responsibility as yours. So maybe he needs to be the one that talks to her. I suggest telling her something like, "Since your throwing us a separate shower and not inviting any of Caitlin's family, it really isn't appropriate for you to attend her family's shower." If she says she was intending on inviting your mom or family then say, "Oh, I didn't realize that since you didn't ask me for a guest list." This will also subtly get the point across that she has failed to include you in planning your own shower. If the conversation gets to this point you may be stuck with having her at the other shower. If that's the case, make sure that whoever is throwing that shower for you knows the situation. Let that person know they are the hostess and you appreciate all they are doing for you. Tell them she will try to take charge and not to worry about catering to her because she's one of the grandmothers. Tell the hostess to tell her she is an honored "guest" and that she doesn't need to do anything. If subtlety doesn't work then the hostess could say, "I don't need any help."
Good luck! I hope some of this helps or at least gives you some ideas!
Thank you! And yes, that is exactly how my MIL is. I have stuck up for myself to her a few times already.. I have no problem with doing that. The only negative thing about it is that I was called a disrespectful *** by my SIL at the time... even though I was the first person to ever have the balls to stand up to her.
And that is what I want to do... lay the ground rules. DH just wants to deal with the problem if/when it does arise... I want to let her know now what I can deal with and what I will not put up with.
This is by far the best advice I have received so far.. because 1.) you can relate to the situation and have had to deal with a crazy MIL and 2.) you understand where I am coming from in wanting DH to talk to her about it. A lot of other posters above seem so think that I am just being paranoid and stressing over nothing. I posted this initially to vent my frustrations and if anyone had good advice like this, then I'm all ears.
So thank you for the really good advice... especially since it comes from someone in a similar situation. I quite frankly am somewhat jealous at the people with normal, loving MILs.... but then have to giggle because they have NO CLUE what we have to deal with. lol
I'm sorry for the slow response but I just noticed that you replied. I'm so happy to hear that my advice helped you! We both just need the motivation to deal with our monster MILs. We are definitely not paranoid! I think writing to you helped me feel more motivated to continue dealing with my own MIL. Sometimes it just gets so tiring when you're in it for the long haul.
Good luck with the shower situation and all those future ones that have yet to come up! lol...