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Blended Families
Bm overstepping boundaries
Everything in my little blended family has been great! Until about two weeks ago. Bm felon boyfriend (spent 10 years in jail for credit fraud) got put back into a half way house. And since then she feels the need to text my h daily and call more then necessary. To me i think conversations should only be about the kids. She always does this whenever she doesnt have a main man in her life.
He ignores her but he's also trying to keep the peace with her. How do you keep peace with a crazy person??
They've gotten into fights in the past and when this happens she trashes him and me in front of the kids. He's trying so hard to be on good terms with her, which is not easy to do.
Just a little vent....
I've thought about asking her if she want to get coffee or something. I feel like if she knows me on a more personal level she might leave us alone? i'd like for us all to get along. Have any of you tried to be "friends" with bm? I'm wondering if this is a good idea?
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Re: Bm overstepping boundaries
It seems like all the situations here on this board make BMs look f*cking insane. I am the BM in our situation. My ex was married at one point and I took the time to get to know his wife. She was great. We got along really well..my mom put me in charge of the guest list for my shower so I even invited her to it. We got coffee a couple of times. She was AMAZING with my son and truth be told I trusted her with my son more then his own father.
So in my experience it was a great idea. But she was also a very nice person and knew her place and I knew mine. It's hard to say how it would be for you. Is she still in love with your husband? Does she ever feel resentful towards you for being with him?
The BM in my situation does this same behavior. When she's single, she's constantly texting my husband (they broke up well over 7 years ago) and reminiscing about their time together. Unless the texts are directly involved with K or an immediate exchange with K, he never responds. It sounds like the BM in your situation has some unresolved issues and feelings towards your husband. All he can really do is maintain the boundaries he wants maintained, and she'll either fall in line or continue to embarass herself.
As for you trying to "friend" her, if she is a civil and reasonable woman, then there's no harm in having a friendly, civil relationship with her. But if she does in fact still have feelings for your husband, getting to know you more isn't going to stop her behavior. This is really something that your husband has to handle.
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I tried the friendly thing with our BM thinking we could be good aquaintences and get along well and she just ended up taking advantage of my niceness. (plus i had to be the one to step forward first. she refused to even meet me for a while. even after i said i would only meet the children after i met their mother first so she was comfortable with it. she didn't feel that way obviously.)
but she just started walking into our apartment without asking and starting bathwater for one of the kids once, walking in and past me to go to the kids bedroom to do whatever....just weird and intrusive i thought. after DH asking her not to do that anymore she became less friendly with me. i wouldn't walk into her home like that so i just expect the same respect. then when we bought our house she started the same thing. walking in and snooping around, one night tornado sirens were going off on her way home from work and she was supposed to pick the kids up. well obviously we figure, we will get the kids to her when things calm down, but no she shows up at our home and asked to come to our basement with us. talk about WEIRD!!! but all people are different. maybe if you were on a more personal level with her, she'd feel less insecure and that could be a reason she's trying to converse with your H still. our BM did the same for a while...calling or texting often. flirty texts too. winky or smiley faces a lot. he'd ignore them also and they finally stopped after she figured out he wasn't interested anymore i guess. this was while him and I started dating and were getting serious. wasn't sure if she was trying to butt in or if that was a normal thing for her to do with him but either way it was put to a stop so who cares.
its always worth it to try. if it doesn't work out, you always know you were the bigger person and tried for that relationship with her. for the kids sake its always best to try.
After all I have been through I think becoming friends with her is an excellent idea. I would recommend it.
I had the opportunity to become friends with my exfi's exwife and I looking back I wish I would have. After the break up her and I have become friends and she is very kind. Additionally I wish I would have made friends with his coworkers. I look back at not friending them as a huge mistake. He spent more time with those women then he did with his family and in the end he is with one of them. Very true what they say about keeping your enemies close...
If she really is a crazy person then you wont be able to reason with her and it makes it very hard to keep the peace. The BM in our situation is crazy, as in she has a diagnosis but refuses help. She used to be like this. DH had to set boundries. He told her that they need to keep their conversations to things that have to do with the kids. She said something about them being friends. Her corrected her and basicly said that when she gets upset that her actions are irrational, uncalled for, and unacceptable, so that he doesn't want to be her friend. She got mad but couldn't really argue without proving his point.
This conversation was 4 years ago. In the last 4 years she has only called about the kids.