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October 2011 Moms
Liz4444
member
s/o marriage and divorce
Liz4444
member
Looks like we have a topic today...
What would you do if your H/SO cheated? Would you leave? Would you try to work it out?
Personally, I would be gone, no explanation needed. It is completely unacceptable to me. I would expect the same of him as well.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: s/o marriage and divorce
Because of my parents' history, I told DH fairly early in our relationship that I don't tolerate cheating. There is no second chance with me. He could consider that his one warning.
He's not really the type to cheat anyway, but I guess everyone thinks that. He knows I would be gone right away. It would suck but DD and I are worth more than that.
Burned by the Bear
Pretty much this. I can't even begin to imagine DH cheating so it's difficult to know how I would react. Before having DD, my answer would be that I'd leave immediately but now I don't know. I do think that it would probably end because I wouldn't be able to get past it.
I have two dead certain deal breakers: cheating and physical violence.
{Raising Jack}
nope i'd be gone. too many people in his family have cheated on their wife or husband (including DH's mom cheated on his dad) so he should definitely know better.
I would leave..nothing could make me stay. I watched my mother live through it twice (once was my father and the other was her 2nd marriage) and for me personally there would be no going back.
It shows lack of respect for me, our child, the relationship we built..etc.
Deal breaker. I do not share. Because of my past relationships and hurt I have finally found the person that treats me so well..my husband.
My confession is I was married young in the military and got divorced. So many signs...My ex husband was and is an alcoholic, cheater and I didn't trust him, but never listened to my instincts. I stayed with him for six years overseas in foreign countries not telling a soul what he was doing. Nobody knew he increasingly became violent, or I couldn't find him for a couple days...he was with a Finnish girl from work. I thought divorcing was quitting...I am not a quitter. It became a game to him I think. I gained my confidence and divorced him. I will never do that to myself again. If I get an indication that DH was cheating I would take LO and leave.
I have already told MH if this were to happen he should never tell me! Not even if he feels incredibly guilty I would rather be left in the dark.
I think I would try to work things out if I did find out, but things would never ever be the same.
MH said he would want to know I told him I wouldn't. He says he thinks he wouldn't be able to not tell me. I would probably notice because he's a homebody and it would be obvious if he weren't at home or at work.
Ditto.
BFP #1: July 12, 2010 Natural M/C: July 26, 2010
BFP #2: January 30 ,2011 Born: September 29, 2011
BFP #3: January 5, 2013 Born: August 25, 2013
I have no idea. I think "I would leave" is easier said than done, especially depending on other circumstances and if he was truly sorry... However, I also know I'd have a near impossible time trying to deal with it. I ruminate on things and hold on to grudges... so who knows.
Married 08/18/07
BFP 02/15/11 EDD 10/27/11 Born at 35w3d on 09/25/11
BFP 10/13/12 EDD 06/25/13 Born at 37w0d on 06/04/13
BFP 12/11/15 EDD 08/23/16 Early miscarriage
BFP 02/02/16 EDD 10/16/16
If there were real feelings for this other person involved, I'd be gone. I could never get over him loving someone else, even if it wasn't physical. No way.
One time sex with a random girl? I don't know. I don't think it would be worth ruining my marriage and altering my life forever. However, I don't want to know about it. I think we could work through it, but I know I'd never look at him the same and I would feel like he poisoned everything. So I've even told him - if it's just once, just physical, and you're sorry and you know you won't do it again, don't tell me. I feel like it in that situation, telling me would just be a selfish act because he felt guilty. If you're sure it won't happen again, just make sure it doesn't, and move on.
To be perfectly honest, though, if anyone cheated, it would probably be me. I wouldn't cheat anyway, but I pretty much know he wouldn't. And the same rule applies. If there are feelings involved, he deserves to know and to decide whether he's willing to stay and work it out. But if it was one time and I was regretful and sorry and wouldn't do it again, I wouldn't tell him. It's a betrayal for sure, but it's not worth my marriage. Flameful I guess, but it's how I feel.
This. I guess ot could depend on so much.
This.
I completely agree with Lopes. It depends on the severity of the cheating... like you said, was it a drunk hook up or a 5 month affair?
Here's my confession that I thought I'd never tell ... and yes, it's completely and utterly flameworthy.
When DH and I were still just a couple, we both cheated on each other. We both regretted it, and said it was a one time thing. We never broke up because of it.. just "forgot about it and moved on"
That was the worst thing we could've done. We should've gone to counseling then but we thought we were "better" than that... fast forward to when we were engaged ...
I cheated on him with a guy from work... it's a very long, obviously very involved story that I would rather not explain... but it happened, and I told DH about it after I realized I was becoming someone I didn't recognize when I looked in the mirror. It was the absolute worst time of my life, but also the most life-changing (up until L was born of course).
Long story short, we both went to counseling and were able to talk through everything. (Again, obviously more involved than that) .. We both agreed that working on our relationship was worth it to us, and we will never give up on that. I know that I will never cheat again, and I can almost guarantee the same for DH.
As a side note, in a wierd, twisted way, if we didn't cheat on each other, we probably would not have been blessed with L. We would not have lived in Florida together and I'd probably still be messing around with that shiiity guy I used to work with. I'm glad I came clean to everyone, especially myself and DH.. and I know that if we ever came close to feeling like we had to cheat again, we have the tools to be able to communicate those feelings to each other instead of just running off with someone else.
So, I guess that's my long winded way of saying, "no, I would not just leave DH if he cheated. We would go to counseling and work through it.. and then after we expressed all other options, we would get a divorce."
For a drawn out affair over time I think I would walk. If it was a one time, out of character thing I would try to work through it. I know it would be so hard and terrible but I think people make mistakes and I would at least try.
I can't imagine my DH ever cheating though. He has no game. I don't even think he knows how to flirt. It's kind of a joke. If he ever cheated I might laugh because seriously, who on earth did he convince to sleep with him? He's a good looking guy but just nowhere even close to a ladies man.
My opinion also comes from the fact that we have been working through some things in our marriage and some lies that I told. It wasn't cheating but it was bad. He has been really willing to work at our marriage despite my lying and I would have to give him the same shot if the tables were turned. Before I confessed I really thought he would divorce me but he hasn't and I think our marriage is even stronger now. I feel he would deserve the same opportunity to turn things around that he gave me.
I would talk LO and walk. Just be away for a few weeks, with absolutely no contact and make him realize he's nothing without us. I would want him to hurt. Then maybe we would talk. I would not tolerate cheating.
I would leave him in a heartbeat if he cheated on me. Been there, done that, not gonna happen again. No. I did not leave my friends and family to move over a frucking ocean to live with a man who cheats on me.
That being said, I am pretty sure that he wouldn't. Sounds naive, but it's not him.
I agree. I used to say it would be a deabreaker, but now I have a lot in my mind that it depends on.
For example, if either of us had cheated early in our relationship I would've been out of there. I just don't think if you cheat early on that you care enough about that person to stay in the relationship (for me, maybe it works for others).
I also think length of marriage/happy times vs. one night stand in a bar. Could I throw away my entire marriage due to one mistake (this is assuming he tells me about it and I don't find out some other way--I could never forgive him if he didn't come clean)? Probably not.
Then there are emotional/drawn out affiars...I think this would be impossible to get over. And I know myself. I am the jealous type and I could never work past this kind of thing.
So, I guess for me it depends, though I used to think like blue-eyed that once a cheater always a cheater. But I'm afraid things are getting less black and white to me all the time.