Nervous, Confused and Shocked.....(new here)

BMenz · July 2012

Hi!

I guess I should introduce myself. I'm Meagan. I am a single mom to ds (Oliver) - My SO and I live together (since October) and I just found out last week (Weds) that BD is getting married in TWENTY! days (7/28) - I didn't even KNOW her name until that day as well! (She has 2 girls, so he'll have sisters too...)

So um yeah, I don't know how I should feel. I'm assuming that freaking out (to the point of not being able to sleep well for two days), knowing that my child is going to have another "mom," is normal?

BD and I do not (scratch that, HE does not) have good communication skills, and doesn't tell me things. I flat out asked him if he was going to even tell me this and his response was "uhm, yeah, uh, yeah I was going to tell you when I picked up ds on Friday."

I've never met this woman, have no idea what she or her children look like (he did though, send me 2 pictures of them on Friday) because the last thing I heard from him was earlier this year he started dating a girl named Jen (this was probably March-ish) and when I spoke with him on Weds the story was that he and his fiancee have been dating/engaged for over a year.......

tcfreedom · July 2012

I would ask your ex if the three of you could get together for coffee, or dinner so that you can make sure you'll all be on the same page in regards to co-parenting.

Like it or not she'll be in the kids' lives, so it's best to be as friendly as possible. If! you are direct and you can all work as a team it'll be much less stressfull for everyone. Especially the kiddo's.

Good luck!

jnjmommy0609 · July 2012

You deserve to know this woman. You deserve to see her interact with your son. Let him know you would like to meet her and I think the coffee is a great idea. It's awkward but it could help

Kitttkattt · July 2012

I see no good coming from a meeting. No long term good. Everyone may say all the right things, but in the end it's gonna be the same regardless of the meeting. Legally, if dad has custody or visitation, he can have anyone he chooses around the child with no approval needed from BM.

Holly_1007 · July 2012

Kitttkattt:
I see no good coming from a meeting. No long term good. Everyone may say all the right things, but in the end it's gonna be the same regardless of the meeting. Legally, if dad has custody or visitation, he can have anyone he chooses around the child with no approval needed from BM.

while this may be true in some cases, I know when I met BM it was awkward and uncomfortable because neither of us had expected the other to be there. the next thing I knew she was texting DH that I was trash and trying to "tear their family apart" Mind you they were already divorced, and she was living with a new boyfriend.

had BM reached out and said "hey, since So and so will be a big part of SD's life, can we sit down and have coffee or something?" god knows how our relationship might be now.

I've thought about being the "bigger person" and asking her if we could meet up to "clear the air" a few times. but now we are to the point that I have as little interaction as I can with her after she has thrown far too many assumptions, accusations, and blatant disrespect my way.

ETA: OP, if your XH doesn't suggest a meet-n-greet with the new girl, I think you should suggest it. it could do wonders for your co-parenting relationship. do it in a public place so no one feels they have to "defend their turf" and if it gets too weird, just say you need to leave. worth a shot at this point.

christy2125 · July 2012

What PP have said about meeting for coffee or something is very similar to what we did, myself, my H and BM and her boyfriend at the time (now husband) went out for lunch, we all talked about my SD and we were all able to set expectations and boundaries right then and there. BM saw that I truly didn't want to "take her place" and I respected her as the BM. My H got to meet future SF and got to know who was going to be around his daughter. Right then we all decided that we would always be four parents to one child, as that is what we all thought was best for SD. I really think that if we didn't have that lunch, then things would be alot different between the four of us, and we all wouldnt have the relationship we have now.

Phantomgirl · July 2012

When you moved in with your SO how did you broach it with your ex? Did you invite him to a meet and greet? Did you talk to him about it? Did you care how he felt about it?

Since you didn't mention doing any of that I am going to assume you did not. So WHY would you expect him to treat you any differently?

Sure it would have been nice if he had told you, 'hey I'm getting married on xx date' but he didn't and he is under no obligation to. The date of their wedding or how long they have been together is none of your business. The only thing that concerns you is how she treats your DS, and you have mentioned nothing about mistreatment or DS having any issues.

Communicating life changing decisions is called responsible co-parenting BUT it is a two way road.

Sorry that you are feeling Nervous, Confused and Shocked but they are your feelings so deal with them on your own or with YOUR family or friends. You do not need to meet with his STB wife until you are in a more stable emotional space. Their marriage, their life together etc has absolutely nothing to do with you.

Maybe in a couple months, when you are over the shock, you can all meet, you, your SO, ex and his new wife to discuss the only thing that needs to be discussed, raising your DS in a positive and careing environment.

ldmessing · July 2012

Kitttkattt:
I see no good coming from a meeting. No long term good. Everyone may say all the right things, but in the end it's gonna be the same regardless of the meeting. Legally, if dad has custody or visitation, he can have anyone he chooses around the child with no approval needed from BM.

agreed

Rhenna · July 2012

tifanico:

I think if he is getting married, your son already got to spend plenty of time with her. So it may be shocking to YOU but not necessarily to your DS. He told be before his wedding so I think that is enough. I don't know why you were expecting more from him.

I agree with meeting them for coffee so you have some reassurance that she is a nice person.

I also love how you are making this about you. not sleeping for two nights? Are you even serious? Not did once you mention how this is going to affect your DS or what your real concerns are about him.

I agree.

And why does knowing what she looks like mean anything at all? Yes it would be nice to have met this woman but it isn't necessary. As long as your child isn't put in harms way what happens when he is with his dad is none of your business. I feel like people try to get into each others lives way too much under the "it involves my child so it involves me" idea. If you have some reason to not trust your ex's judgment or ability as a parent then that needs to be addressed through the court. Otherwise he can have anyone he wants around helping him with your child without you knowing that person, meeting them, agreeing they are a good person etc. That is just part of splitting up and not raising your child together.

And just to state again, yes I think it is great when all of the adults can come together and co-parent without issue. But the idea that it is owed to you to have been made aware of her, or be involved or that you have some say in what he is doing or some right in meeting her just isn't true.

CFjo2010 · July 2012

Rhenna:
tifanico:

I think if he is getting married, your son already got to spend plenty of time with her. So it may be shocking to YOU but not necessarily to your DS. He told be before his wedding so I think that is enough. I don't know why you were expecting more from him.

I agree with meeting them for coffee so you have some reassurance that she is a nice person.

I also love how you are making this about you. not sleeping for two nights? Are you even serious? Not did once you mention how this is going to affect your DS or what your real concerns are about him.

I agree.

And why does knowing what she looks like mean anything at all? Yes it would be nice to have met this woman but it isn't necessary. As long as your child isn't put in harms way what happens when he is with his dad is none of your business. I feel like people try to get into each others lives way too much under the "it involves my child so it involves me" idea. If you have some reason to not trust your ex's judgment or ability as a parent then that needs to be addressed through the court. Otherwise he can have anyone he wants around helping him with your child without you knowing that person, meeting them, agreeing they are a good person etc. That is just part of splitting up and not raising your child together.

And just to state again, yes I think it is great when all of the adults can come together and co-parent without issue. But the idea that it is owed to you to have been made aware of her, or be involved or that you have some say in what he is doing or some right in meeting her just isn't true.

I completely agree with both quotes here. Would a heads up and a chance to meet her have been nice? Sure. But you aren't "owed" anything, and as long as your son is being well cared for, you're already ahead of the game.

As a BM and SM, I can tell you that meeting my XH's new wife and BM were completely different scenarios, and it was based solely on how the BM's in the situation (myself and K's mother) went about the meeting. I didn't meet my XH's new wife until after they were married (granted they live across the country) and I didn't push the issue or feel that I should meet her before they got married. My kids talked about her a couple times, and they both seemed to like her so that was good enough for me. Even if she were some sort of wretched horrible woman, what could I possibly do about it? I have no say in who my XH dates or marries, unless that person is harming my child. When my husband first proposed to me, BM demanded a meeting or else she was going to withhold K from him. Our first meeting involved her providing me a list of things she expected from me. Meaning, a list of things she wanted my husband and I to do (and not do) in our home when K was with us. Clearly that didn't go over well, and it shaped the relationship we currently have with her.

Truthfully, this isn't about you. I can understand having some anxiety when a new person is introduced into your child's life, but losing sleep over it and being "confused and shocked" is a little much. You moved on, why can't your XH? Try looking at this as a great thing for DS. Not only is his father getting married and clearly happy, but he's also gaining a whole bunch of extra people in his life who are going to love and care about him.

emikat · July 2012

Yeah, I had a few forced meetings with BM at the beginning of my relationship with DH. It was pretty much her "assessing me" to make sure I wasn't a serial killer and to give me a list of what I was allowed and not allowed to do. I was way too over-accommodating to her in the beginning, but that got old fast. She's unfortunately an unhappy person when it comes to me and DH and so our communication now is almost nil and I let DH handle what he needs to with her. However, we did meet, and that made it easier to at least acknowledge each other's existence and presence in DSS's life.

BMenz · July 2012

Phantomgirl:
When you moved in with your SO how did you broach it with your ex? Did you invite him to a meet and greet? Did you talk to him about it? Did you care how he felt about it?
*I did actually discuss it with ex-SO, and yes of course I cared how he felt about it; he actually encouraged me, stating that it was a good thing for ds because (current) SO and ds get along so well. Yes he did have reservations WAY before SO and I started dating/had even met, because he was angry at me for having to pay CS for ds.

Since you didn't mention doing any of that I am going to assume you did not. So WHY would you expect him to treat you any differently?

Sure it would have been nice if he had told you, 'hey I'm getting married on xx date' but he didn't and he is under no obligation to. The date of their wedding or how long they have been together is none of your business. The only thing that concerns you is how she treats your DS, and you have mentioned nothing about mistreatment or DS having any issues.
*Before I found out that he was getting married the only two names that he had ever mentioned was her daughters names, so to find out that neither of those two names was not hers was a bit confusing to me....He didn't have a good track record with dating and was bringing new girls around ds every 3-4 months (2 of which were physical towards ex-SO, not sure if anything ever happened to ds) so, yes I am a bit leery who he brings around ds, and yes I do feel that he should've said something. When SO and I get engaged/married of course I would tell him without hesitation.

Communicating life changing decisions is called responsible co-parenting BUT it is a two way road.

Sorry that you are feeling Nervous, Confused and Shocked but they are your feelings so deal with them on your own or with YOUR family or friends. You do not need to meet with his STB wife until you are in a more stable emotional space. Their marriage, their life together etc has absolutely nothing to do with you.

Maybe in a couple months, when you are over the shock, you can all meet, you, your SO, ex and his new wife to discuss the only thing that needs to be discussed, raising your DS in a positive and careing environment.

BMenz · July 2012

Kitttkattt:
I see no good coming from a meeting. No long term good. Everyone may say all the right things, but in the end it's gonna be the same regardless of the meeting. Legally, if dad has custody or visitation, he can have anyone he chooses around the child with no approval needed from BM.

I have full legal and physical custody, and we have a verbal visitation schedule (his choice)

BMenz · July 2012

tifanico:
I also love how you are making this about you. not sleeping for two nights? Are you even serious? Not did once you mention how this is going to affect your DS or what your real concerns are about him.

I never said I didn't sleep for two nights. I said I had troubles sleeping. Ex-SO has never had a stable relationship until now, so yes of course I have concerns for ds.

Is she a nice person? Is she going to treat ds like I would treat him (with respect, love etc etc)? Is he going to call her 'mom' too? Is BD going to encourage ds to call her mom?

I was just in the initial stage of shock, trying to process everything and came to ask for help on how to process things.

BMenz · July 2012

Rhenna:

And why does knowing what she looks like mean anything at all? Yes it would be nice to have met this woman but it isn't necessary. As long as your child isn't put in harms way what happens when he is with his dad is none of your business. I feel like people try to get into each others lives way too much under the "it involves my child so it involves me" idea. If you have some reason to not trust your ex's judgment or ability as a parent then that needs to be addressed through the court. Otherwise he can have anyone he wants around helping him with your child without you knowing that person, meeting them, agreeing they are a good person etc. That is just part of splitting up and not raising your child together.

And just to state again, yes I think it is great when all of the adults can come together and co-parent without issue. But the idea that it is owed to you to have been made aware of her, or be involved or that you have some say in what he is doing or some right in meeting her just isn't true.

Sooner or later there is going to be a time where she would be picking up ds for his weekend with his dad, instead of his dad. Hell if I drop my child off with someone whose name I know but have no idea what they look like.

BMenz · July 2012

wendilea:
While it could have been handled better, I don't see why you are so worked up over it. Not sleeping for 2 days because you just found out your ex is getting married? Are you upset that he's getting married, or upset for your DS?
*I'm actually very happy that he's found someone to be with. Not upset about it at all. I'm quite relieved that he's finally in a stable relationship and I won't have to worry about which girl he's bringing around ds every few months.
Each relationship is different. If you want the kind of open relationship with your ex where you know these kinds of things ahead of time, you have to first be open with the details of your life. If you're not willing to share, then don't expect him to.
*I have no problems answering any questions that he has had for me. Though about a year ago, I did have to tell him that he didn't need to call me e/o day (not to talk to ds, but to talk to me) just to see what I am doing, how I'm doing, what my day was like, what I was doing that evening, what my plans were for the rest of the week (never questions about ds.)
I have NO ISSUE whatsoever with him calling to talk to ds, but it was just getting a little too "bf/gf"-ish type conversations when I had no intentions of getting back together with him, and was dating (current) SO

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