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Please Tell Me We're Not The Only One's

blue_angeleyes06blue_angeleyes06 member
in Military Families

Ugh.  DH has only been gone for a couple of weeks and already we are "fighting".  He is upset because I'm apparently not doing exactly what he wants me to do while he's gone and I just don't really know what's going on.  His Lt got "fired" and moved somewhere else so he became the platoon leader.  Good for him in the long run for promotions but sucky right now because it's just added stress on him.  I just don't know what to do.  I know in my mind that it isn't just me that is upsetting him, I'm just aggravated that he's taking it out on me.

Plus, and I don't mean this to sound like a complaint because I know some people don't get to talk to their spouses this much, but talking every day kind of sucks in a way.  Sometimes we just don't have enough to talk about and then we get nit-picky with each other.  I can only share so much that is going on.  I'm a SAHM and I'm sure me telling him every little thing that DD does gets old.

When he was gone last time we played video games together online so we could talk while playing.  I'm just not sure what to do this time.  I'm hoping that things will settle down and he will be able to relax a little bit. 

Sorry this kind of got long and I guess I'm not really looking for anything, just needed to vent to someone who actually has been there.

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Re: Please Tell Me We're Not The Only One's

  • iluvmytxrgriluvmytxrgr member

    1.  Have this conversation with him:  "Hun, I know you are really stressed with your new position and all but I'm not your punching bag.  Back the fluck up and check your attitude at the door of the MWR.  If you can't do that right now then we need to hang up and talk when you can.  This is not ok."

    2.  They want to hear mundane things.  He needs you to ground him and keep him steady.  Telling him about your kid making it rain parmesan cheese on the living room floor while you were trying to pee is exactly what he wants to hear.   He wants that bit of normalcy for a few minutes a day.  Tell him about the book you are reading.  Tell him about the crazy zombie dream you had last night.  MH always says he could give a crap what I talk about, he just wants to hear my voice and know that all is well with our world.  He didn't call to hear the crickets chirp.  Just talk.  

    3. We usually go one to two weeks with no phone calls and only short emails or chats online.  Those rare times we've been lucky enough for phone calls every day for a while are gifts from God.  He'd listen to me talk about paint drying and I'd gladly do it.  Be thankful for the gift you have.   

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  • MiahTMiahT member

    DH and I have gone through three deployments and a handful of six month training separations so far and we've realized that unless something really important happens we really only need to talk on the phone once a week when he's gone.  Any longer than that and it's too long, any closer and we don't really have much to talk about.  It's a system that works well for us, but it might be different once the LO is born, who knows.

    As to doing things exactly like your hubby wants you to do, it's out of his hands at this point.  You're the one at home dealing with everything around the house and making sure the LO is cared for and the bills are paid, not him.  It sounds like he's under a lot of stress, but he needs to understand that you are the head of the house right now and you're getting things done your way.  Unless the bills aren't being paid and the LO isn't getting fed, he doesn't need to worry about micromanaging the hows and whys because you're taking care if it.
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  • jessmelvijessmelvi

    Don't feel guilty about getting to talk to him "too much". My husband is definitely not a phone person so when he was in Iraq we spent a month or so trying to talk on the phone daily or as much as possible. Yes, we were very very very lucky for this type of contact, but it turned out that it just wasn't right for us. We both felt really stressed out trying to fill that time on the phone because it was such a blessing to be able to contact each other. But we came to an agreement that as long as he was safe and I was okay we would only talk every two or three days and if the conversation was just a short "check in" that was okay. This helped us both a lot because I didn't spend my whole time sitting by the phone or worried I would miss his call and he didn't feel like he was letting me down by not having a lot to say. It took some of the pressure off and helped time go faster because we could both distract ourselves with healthy things instead of spending so much time thinking about missing each other and ending up nagging each other. 

    And when something important or scary happened we broke the rule, obviously.  

    I felt a guilty for not taking advantage of the phone time at first, but realized that this was the best way for both of us to stay sane while he was away and that's okay. Everyone is different and when you figure out what works for both of you that's a good thing.  

    Also congrats to him on his new leadership role!

     You can do it! 

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