Missing my mom (vent)

littlepenguins · July 2012

That's basically it. I'm 39 w and my mom passed away a year and a half ago. With the hormone swings, it's getting harder to handle it.

For instance, when we were going through my mom's things last year, we found my old baby book that she kept for me, and I was thrilled to have some record of what it was like for her to be pregnant with me. We lost it in a cross-country move (I have looked everywhere--her other things that had sentimental value made it but not this one, I don't know how) and I am so devastated. It had the first pictures of me and my parents, and even details from my mom's baby shower for me. When I prep things for the baby, sometimes I tear up thinking about how I'll never be able to connect with her about this stuff, even indirectly through looking at the book.

So I guess the comfort is to make lots of memories for my baby, and preserve what I can for him. It still hurts very acutely, though, both losing my mom and this set of memories. It isn't helped by the fact that I have a self-involved MIL and SIL who have essentially ignored the pregnancy, and a small family who don't really keep copies of pictures. I can't blame anyone but myself for losing the book, obviously, but the outside circumstances don't help.

Anyway, thanks for listening. If you've lost a mom, I'm sure you get some of what I'm saying.

cookiemomstarr · July 2012

Have faith, it will show up when you least expect it.

I'm sorry for your loss, I couldn't imagine losing my mother so young. Big big hugs to you.

sasa625 · July 2012

I am so very sorry for your loss. I completely understand how you feel though because I lost my mom in 2008, a year before my DD was born. It was super hard, and honestly, still is. I take comfort in memories and sharing memories and traditions with DD. We also used the name my mom loved as DD's first name and gave her my mom's name as a middle name, which helped a little as well. But I will be honest and say that I wasn't prepared for how hard it was going to be to give birth and bring a newborn home without my mom. The pregnancy hormones didn't help I'm sure, but I was a mess for awhile. I'm hoping the second time around is easier. Many hugs to you! Having a child has helped me heal a bit, but there will always be an empty place in my heart. Your baby book will most likely turn up at some point as well... Try not to focus too much on that!

KarmB · July 2012

I havent but my husband did 8 years ago and he was a mommas boy. I think its finally hitting him that shes not here anymore. her birthday is July 11th and theres nothing more than we want to have Lilah on her birthday. I asked him the other day what she would want to be called because we'll still have to call her something, grandma, Nonna, etc and the look at his face I think it hit him.

orange_roses · July 2012

Big hugs to you! I lost my mom 9 years ago, but I continue to miss her daily. I don't know where my baby book or christening gown is. But somehow I have my mom's christening gown. I really wish I knew more about my birth, but I wasn't in that state of my life when she passed and only heard the kid's version of my birth story.

Hang in there, mama!

ThePinkSuperhero · July 2012

((((Hugs)))) Sorry dear!

zyas · July 2012

I'm so sorry My of my biggest fears is losing my mom. Hopefully that book will turn up soon. I've lost things before that I thought were gone for good and then all of a sudden they turn up out of the blue! I hope that happens in this case for you too.

((hugs))

OUKatie · July 2012

I am so, so sorry for your loss. I hope that the book turns up...somehow, someway, things have way of doing that when you least expect it.

shrtfrkgrl · July 2012

I understand how you feel except I lost my mom almost 20 years ago. Just try to remember all the memories you and her shared. It sucks! I wish I could tell you it gets better, but I am coming from a different perspective (you just losing your mom and me living most of my life without mine). It does make it hard, especially if this is your first child. You go through all those thoughts, she will never get to hold the baby, she won't be able to be there for you when you need her, you won't get to call her crying because you are struggling, plus more (you probably know what questions I am talking about).
With the ILs, it wouldn't matter if they were involved or not, (my SIL is more than MIL, but that's because SIL is favorite to MIL than my husband to his own mother. . . big drama and story). They can't have that reassurance that your mom can bring you (regardless that they (MIL of course having gone through this) have children). It is never the same. My MIL makes me feel uncomfortable when saying she could help. I don't say anything to DH, but yeah it is there.
You can do this! Don't blame yourself if you lost that book. Just remember you are strong.

brennarobbie · July 2012

Sweetie, I can't even imagine what you are going through. My heart hurts for you. All of us need SOMEONE to lean on for support...so I hate it that you don't at least have that in your MIL. Hopefully you know you can always come here for support. Is it the same? Heck no, but we will will send you love and keep you in our hearts and minds.

I know that book is special, and I'm sure it will turn up when you're least expecting it to...until then, share some stories with your little one about his grandma before and after he comes into this world. I lost my dear grandma last year (not quite my mom, but more of a second mom than a gma), and I imagined her holding my sweet baby in her arms while he was inside me. I thought of her as his guardian angel, helping me to take care of him until I could hold him in my own arms. It didn't take away the pain of her loss, but it helped me imagine something happy instead of being sad.

My heart goes out to you.

doggie mama · July 2012

littlepenguins:
That's basically it. I'm 39 w and my mom passed away a year and a half ago. With the hormone swings, it's getting harder to handle it.
For instance, when we were going through my mom's things last year, we found my old baby book that she kept for me, and I was thrilled to have some record of what it was like for her to be pregnant with me. We lost it in a cross-country move (I have looked everywhere--her other things that had sentimental value made it but not this one, I don't know how) and I am so devastated. It had the first pictures of me and my parents, and even details from my mom's baby shower for me. When I prep things for the baby, sometimes I tear up thinking about how I'll never be able to connect with her about this stuff, even indirectly through looking at the book.
So I guess the comfort is to make lots of memories for my baby, and preserve what I can for him. It still hurts very acutely, though, both losing my mom and this set of memories. It isn't helped by the fact that I have a self-involved MIL and SIL who have essentially ignored the pregnancy, and a small family who don't really keep copies of pictures. I can't blame anyone but myself for losing the book, obviously, but the outside circumstances don't help.
Anyway, thanks for listening. If you've lost a mom, I'm sure you get some of what I'm saying.

I'm sorry. I lost my dad 14 years ago and we were very close. When I was a kid he would tell stories about his mother and brothers, who all died before I was born, and his father, who died when I was young. It makes me sad to think how we are repeating history and that my DH never met him. And big events like finishing grad school, getting married, and having a child, it's so much harder at those times. My ILs don't help either; I kept my maiden name because I just couldn't part with my dad's name and they have always given me grief over that. And my FIL couldn't be more different than my dad.

As far as the book goes, those things are nice to have. But losing it doesn't mean you lost the memories. Those you will always carry with you and you can impart those to your LO. We have some things my Grandmother made, but it was talking with my dad about her that really made a difference. That is not to say that it's not a loss for you, it is, and you should grieve that loss as you need to. But you still have so much to share with your LO about your mom.

I'm so sorry you have to go through this without her.

OUKatie · July 2012

I just want to say...my mother was extremely close to her dad. He passed away less than a year before I was born and I'm the oldest grandchild. I honestly feel like I knew him. She talked about him and told us stories about him all the time growing up. We knew that he would have loved us so much and been very proud of us. Even though he couldn't be physically present in our lives, he was still very much a presence in our lives. I know lots of things about my grandfather, he has a "grandfather name" (Papa), and I'm so glad that my mom and grandmother made sure that we know about him.

I truly can't even fathom what you are going through but I just hope that maybe this makes you feel a teensy bit better, that your kids can "know" your mom through your stories about her and that they will love her even though she isn't here. Lots and lots of hugs to you.

littlepenguins · July 2012

KarmB:
I havent but my husband did 8 years ago and he was a mommas boy. I think its finally hitting him that shes not here anymore. her birthday is July 11th and theres nothing more than we want to have Lilah on her birthday. I asked him the other day what she would want to be called because we'll still have to call her something, grandma, Nonna, etc and the look at his face I think it hit him.

My mom's was July 12th, and I'm actually scared that he'll be born on her b-day and that will be all my family will talk about. I know that she would have liked it, but it's also too new for me to be able to handle both sets of emotions at the same time. He'll come when he comes, though, and I'm okay with that.

I'm sad that so many of us have experienced this loss--it's something you hope will never happen to anyone once it's happened to you.

littlepenguins · July 2012

Thank you all so much for the support--it's incredibly comforting. This board is amazing, and I sense that only other pg women can fully understand.

My husband is still hoping that the book will turn up, (in my case, it's easier to try and let it go than to keep obsessing over where it could be, which feels unhealthy) but if it doesn't, I can at least share the memories with our baby. I have a few things of hers, and a little decoration that used to hang in my nursery that reminds me of her (we have it in the baby nursery). I really do have to focus on the things that I do have rather than the things that I don't.

This time is so difficult even when people have a big, supportive family. I do think it's brought me and my husband closer together and that we will be a strong little family.

Sending love and hugs back to you all.

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