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Adoption
A gift for Adoptive Parents
I usually only lurk on this board but was hoping to get some insight from the APs here. I placed my daughter a little over three years ago with a family that I absolutely love. Since her placement, I joined the military and have moved several times, obviously forcing limits on our contact. Later this summer, I will be visiting the state I'm from, where she was placed, and I was wondering what gift/s I should bring? I've already called and they know I'll be in town and want the details so we can coordinate a meeting, I just don't know what would be best to give now that the "newness" is no longer there, YKWIM? I'll want to give my daughter a gift that is appropriate for her age, 3 and a half years when I visit, but would also like to give her adoptive parents and sister something meaningful.
On top of that, I am pregnant with my husband's first child. I will be in the third trimester when I visit. They already know I'm pregnant--my question is: do you think a gift related to her new sibling would be acceptable? Or would that make you uncomfortable. I consider her adoptive sister her sister, but she will be related to this baby, too, ya know?
I really appreciate any thoughts/opinions!
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Re: A gift for Adoptive Parents
You don't need to bring a gift at all
THat said, what I would most want is a book/scrapbook about you... your likes, favorites, etc. If you want more ideas, I could brainstorm for you... but I would love to know what my girls' birth moms favorite movies are or what their all time favorite halloween costume was. Those small things mean alot to children as they get older. Also noting traditions that are important to you... even things as silly as perhaps not carving your Jack o' Lantern until Halloween Eve... or whatever. I'd love to incorporate little things like that into our family in order to reference birth moms.
As for your birth child, I think a special stuffed animal or doll... perhaps a Build Your Own Bear type would be fantastic. Something that could be kept and cuddled in years to come. (I am not a fan of giving stuffed toys usually... but this is an exception!)
Good luck... please stick around and let us know how it goes.
PS- Congrats on your pregnancy.... I hope you are able to enjoy it fully. Oh, and thank you for your service... you are a hero to so many people
I Would probably not advise you get something related to the baby. It could cause confusion for your dd. my son plays with his (adopted) sisters bio sibs, and he knows his sister grew in their moms tummy, but I would never think to celebrate with dd if her Bm was pg again, that would for sure confuse my son (how his sister is having a new sibling but not him). I won't explain that connection to my kids for a few years. It's a lot to process for little kids.
As for gifts maybe an album or frame with a pic of you of with her? Or just a toy? Or special stuffed something. As for her sibling a book or toy as well,
If you want a gift for her parents I would write them a letter telling them what they and their family have meant to you. I would adore something like that and I know how much our dd's Bmom loves us.
Good luck!
Oops I meant or a pic of you pg with her.
Hope my post didn't come off negative!! Typing on iPhone.
I could really see DD's adoptive mom liking this. When we first met, she asked me and my daughter's father all about our hobbies, favorite sports, interests, etc. She also asked me all about my pregnancy with DD, like food cravings and everything. I had briefly considered something along the lines of a scrapbook of my experiences since DD was born and where I've been/what I've done since I joined, thinking she may find that interesting when she's older. I appreciate you saying no gift is necessary, that's sweet. I definitely like where you're heading, and I would love to hear what other little things might be nice to know about your birth moms. Also, this will be their first introduction to my husband (he's not my daughter's father, her father is no longer involved) so maybe I could include a picture of our wedding day.
Thanks for your input!
Thanks for sharing your view on this in the bold. That's kind of what I'm wondering. She has an older adoptive sister, also very in the loop on being adopted and knows her birth mom, but I wonder if it would be kind of...awkward for the adoptive parents to explain, ya know? So how would you feel comfortable interacting with the situation? I mean, I'm obviously pregnant and there will eventually be a little person that is related to my daughter. So how do I dance around that?
We've written many letters concerning our feelings on the placement and our lives and mutual love for our daughter. So this could be a very nice addition, as well.
These sound like good ideas, too, and I'm sure my mother could really get into this. My mom is actually adopted and never saw her biological family. She always found it so fun to see what looked like her and what looked like my father in my brother and myself. I think I have one childhood picture of DD's birth father, should I include that even if he isn't involved? She really resembles him.
I'm so excited to start on this scrapbook!! Thank you guys so much for your input!
I think its so sweet that you want to get them something, I'm sure they're not expecting anything and will be grateful for anything you give them.
I think a scrapbook about you and photos of you growing up are great ideas! I would love something like that from DS's BM. I think including pictures of the birthfather are a good idea if you have them. We've never seen any pics of DS's BF, and I would love for him to have atleast one.
For your DD, I think a special stuffed animal or doll would be good. It's something she can keep and always have from you.
I too LOVE the scrap book idea! Any photo's you have of you growing up that you're willing to share and your family (your parents, grand parents, siblings, etc) I think would be really, really cool.
We only have one child, so if her BM got pregnant and was parenting another child, I wouldn't mind celebrating DD's bio sibling with her and her BM. But if there are other children in the house, I can see how it would cause confusion.
TTC since May 2006. After 3 failed Clomid cycles, 2 failed Injectibles/IUIs, 2 failed IVFs and 1 failed FET, we moved on to adoption!
Last ditch FET resulted in BFP, and identical twin girls!
I really appreciate all of you guys' input. I'm gonna start on the scrapbook this week. I'll probably include some recent pictures of my brother and myself and the childhood picture of my daughter's bio father, since she really does resemble him and she may find that interesting to have when she'd older, if he never re-enters the picture. Maybe some pictures of my mother, as well. My father passed when I was little but I was going to include a good picture of him, just so she could see; also, because I resemble him strongly and the ways that she looks like me are from him-does that make sense? And I can do a page on my favorites (I'll try to include everything I can about her father, too) and what it was like being pregnant with her and maybe a little something about my decision to place her. I think I'll also do the little chapter about everything I did since her birth and placement, including my military experiences. I want her to at least be able to look back and know that I wasn't a loser, ya know? I did things that maybe she can be proud of.
And I'll definitely bring a toy for her to keep. I was considering jewelry, but thought that might be better to give when she's older?
What do you think about a small gift for her older adopted sister? She's about 11 now. I think she would appreciate being included and has always been involved with the relationship with their bio families. Or would it be weird to give a gift to her?
If you have any other ideas, feel free to let me know!
If our daughter's birthmom was pregnant, I would be completely fine with a gift related to her new sibling. In fact, I think it would be pretty great. Something that said "sister" on it or a frame that you could eventually put a picture of both children in (maybe you could take a pic during your next visit after the baby is born?) Something like that?
I do love the idea of a stuffed animal. DD has a Hello Kitty from her birthmom (her birthmom loves Hello Kitty, too, so it's very sweet.) She also has a few stuffed animals from the whole birthfamily. When DD was born, we gave her birthmom a bear from Build a Bear and bought one like it for DD, too. Maybe something like that would be nice? I like the jewelry idea, but maybe wait another year or so since she's so little?
No, I don't think it's weird to give her older sister a gift - I think you're being very thoughtful. If she's 11, what about a little arts/craft kit? Something like that? Or a journal?
I LOVE the scrapbook idea. DD's birthmom and her birthgrandma made her a shadowbox with her name and little cute pictures/stickers in it - it hangs in her bedroom. I love that they made it for her and dd will love having it as she gets older.
As far as the scrapbook goes, I would definitely include pics of her birth father - the childhood pic as well as any others you might have. (Luckily I found one online of dd's birthfather but it's not very clear at all...I would love to have other pics of him.) I think it's great to include childhood pics of you at different ages. Maybe even do a page where you have a pic and then write your likes/dislikes at that age? Something like that? Favorite Halloween costumes,memories, favorite holiday traditions, pics of you with your childhood friends, pets, birthday party photos/memories...Definitely include pics of your parents and brother (and maybe grandparents, too?) ...And a wedding pic or other pics of you with your husband.And maybe pictures of you doing things that you like to do or just write about your hobbies/likes/favorite things, etc.
You know what I wish I had for dd? A family tree! You could include that on one page of her scrapbook.
I love that you are planning to write about your pregnancy and your decision to place her for adoption.
Hmm...I'll let you know if I think of anything else.
Have fun!
I like all of these ideas.I think I could do something like that, explain my personality as I grew up and my favorite things. I considered pets but wasn't sure if I should include them. But my favorite pet was alive and with me when she was born so I thought of including him and I really love animals, always have, so it would probably be good to include pictures of all the animals.
I'm going to ask her birth father what all he wants to include to at least give him the option of her knowing him and what she got from him as she gets older. I at least have some pictures and know enough to include about him.
I really like the idea of a picture frame with a picture of her and her new sibling. Should I include her adopted sister in that or keep it separate?
The arts and crafts is a really good idea, she loves stuff like that. And my mom really enjoys it, too, so maybe we could pick out some things for her. She's very creative.
My husband loves my daughter and wants to be as involved as the adoptive family is comfortable with so I think I'll include some pictures of him.
It's funny that you mention the family tree. I actually just recently started building one, I could give that to her for when she's older!! That's a great idea!!
I'm going to ask her birth father what all he wants to include to at least give him the option of her knowing him and what she got from him as she gets older. I at least have some pictures and know enough to include about him.
That's so nice! We have one little note from dd's birthfather (on her paperwork) that says that if she ever wants to meet him, he'll be open to it. I'm very thankful to have that. And we know a tiny bit about his likes/hobbies/etc. I hope your daughter's birthfather will be open to including some info!
I really like the idea of a picture frame with a picture of her and her new sibling. Should I include her adopted sister in that or keep it separate?
I think I might include her. You could even do a pic with everyone and buy a frame that says "FAMILY" on it or something similar. That would be a good way to include everyone, too. I have a frame from Hallmark that says "At the heart of it all...there's family." I bought it last year, but they might have something similar this year. (There's a pic of dd in it with her birthmom's family including dd's birthgrandparents, a cousin, and her 2 uncles along with her birthmom and her current boyfriend.)