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Blended Families
Hi, I'm new and wwyd?
My ex-H left at the beginning of last year, and now I am with someone else and expecting my 2nd baby. Ex-H is completely out of the picture and has zero interest in his son. He lives unemployed in his grandmother's basement and provides nothing as of now, though I am working on suing for child support.
My SO is a great guy who adores DS and treats him as his own. Sometimes, though, DS gets in a mood and says things like "I don't like you. I like my old Daddy". It breaks my heart and I've told him it's okay to love his Dad AND SO, but his understanding is limited. How do you handle these situations? I know it hurts SO to hear him say those things. We've been together for almost a year.
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Re: Hi, I'm new and wwyd?
Well, I have two older sons from a previous marriage. They usually adore my new husband but there are days where they act like total jerks to him, especially my younger son. But, they are not so young as your son is and I can speak very frankly with them about their bad attitudes when they get them.
With a younger child, it's harder to explain things sometimes. You might try saying that what he just said isn't very nice and ask him how he might feel if someone said that to him. Perhaps you've already tried this approach, but it's the only thing I can think of.
Good luck!
He's three years old and doesn't know how to adequately express himself. He misses his dad. Pretty darn simple. Whether his dad is a winner, placer or loser that's his dad and the guy he knew growing up. SO is a "replacement" and sometimes he'll feel this way. If he's angry at SO, it's easy to lash out. If he's concerned that he'll be replaced like his daddy was (new baby on the way) he's going to lash out. If he's missing his dad, it's easy to lash out. The biggest way he knows how to lash out at his age is "I don't like you. I like ABCD better than you." And that ABCD would be his dad. Simply put, because at three years old, he hasn't learned to be disappointed in his dad and his dad still has a halo and is his hero.
He's three and has opinions and emotions. It's okay for him to have his emotions. He needs to learn how to channel the negative ones so they don't hurt others, but he also needs to not suppress them. Don't get angry when he's upset. Don't be upset. Understand that he's going through a transitional phase. Encourage his positive emotions and let him know he's loved. When he does pull the "I don't love you" have SO reassure him that he's loved but that what he said was hurtful and made him sad, because it's him that your DS is hurting and you want them to be able to develop the relationship of trust and affection. If DS is in an extended period of upset or anger, pull out some crayons and paper and encourage him to draw or color and see what comes out.
A good child counselor might be a worthwhile investment for a period of time.
Let's see...
1) your son lost his father when he was 18 months old.
2) somewhere in that time period of the last 10 months his mother meets a new man, who (while a perfectly nice enough man I guess) now gets to added to his list of grown-ups who control his life
3) So in 10 of the last 38 months of his life, he gets a new man (who isnt married to his mother), a new sibling and all of the other attributed changes that come with these life changes...
And your SO of less than a year's iddy biddy feelings are hurt?
His father cheated on me, punched me in the face, and left. Good riddance. I'm asking for help on how to help my son emotionally cope. I don't really understand the need for b*tchy comments about it. SO is an adult and he understands the changes DS is going through. I need help knowing the right things to say to DS in these situations.
Thanks to the others for actual, real advice. I will look into a counselor for DS. He doesn't know anything about expecting a sibling yet.
I wanted to add to this that it is ok for him to always like his father more than SO even if his father is a loser and SO is still around in 10 years from now and has been a real father to him.
I realize this sounds judgemental but what are your plans, when do you think you will get married? Right now you have a boyfriend that you are having a baby with, your son might also be scared to love SO because he can leave like BD did. And while a piece of paper will not mean anything to a 3yo it will say something about the level of committment and how much your son should invest. If you or SO are not ready to committ to marriage I think it is even more ok to for DS to keep DH at arms length, but unfortunately there is a baby coming which makes the dynamic harder. (and I am not saying unfortunately you are PG but unfortunately DS does not have more time).
Since you didn't include the backstory of abuse, don't get "offended" that I didn't jump all over defending your new boyfriend p's sensibilities.
On the note of the abuse, your son is 3 years old. He doesn't GET the concepts of infidelity, physupical abuse and abandonment like you and I do. All he gets is that in his very short life every thing changes every 6-10 months.
There isn't really a lot you CAN do is provide some stability for your son. Something he really hasn't had and is probably what is driving his discontent.
And since providing or at least presenting stability for a child isn't something you can talk about, only show through consistant actions, there really isn't much I can tell you to do. Especially since you are already pregnant by a man you have only known 10 months or so.
My boys' BM allowed them to be abused, she neglected and ignored them, encouraged sibling physical fighting, etc. She forgets birthdays, makes lots of promises, misses skype times. hasn't seen them in years. She pays for nothing, doesn't give us child support, promised the boys a car. They still love her. She is their mom.
Its frustrating for me because I'm the one that feeds them, worries about them, clothes them. I work a job that stresses me beyond anything but has an unlimited pay range so I can provide more for them. If it was just DH and me, I would have quit long ago (most likely have never taken the position at all). But I'm not their mom and sometimes they miss her. I try not to take it personally. They have had a lifetime of her manipulations.
full time stepmom to SS1 and SS2 since 2010
married since 2011
TTC since 7/2011 (no planned bc since 2008)
HSG 11/2011: one blocked tube
S/A 2/2012 and retest S/A 3/2012: normal
Bloodwork: normal
2nd HSG 5/2012: clear
Femara cycle 5mg #1 7/14/12 + IUI #1 7/23/12 = bfn
New RE appt 8/14/12
IVF #1 meds 8/30/12. ER 9/14/2012: 7 retrieved, 6 fertilized. ET 9/19/12: 1 perfect embryo 5dt.
Beta #1 BFP! 97
Beta #2 234
Beta #3 4937
ultrasound #1 heart beat 127
10/20/12 graduated!!!
EDD 6/7/12
Team PINK!!
You are expecting WAY too much from a 3yo. I really don't think it's appropriate to tell your son that he can love your SO. It seems like you are implying to him that he should. I really don't think there should be any expectation that your son loves your boyfriend. He has a dad and even though you and his dad have major problems that isn't his problem. That is still his dad whether you like it or not. Especially after only a year with this new guy I don't think you should be pushing any kind of relationship between him and your son. Let it grow naturally and if your boyfriend really is a great guy eventually your son will start to come around.
My son is 5, I have a baby on the way with my FI. We have been together for a couple of years and my son still would never think to say he loves FI. He shows in actions that he does but I would never ever expect him to express it as I'm sure it is a confusing situation for him since he knows and has a relationship with his father. I think you and your boyfriend need to just live day to day and not focus so much on how your son feels about him as long as he doesn't have an outwardly dislike/hate of him.
When I met my DH, my DS was 20 months old. His dad and I had been apart since my pregnancy, when he cheated on me & then left me for another woman after 10 years together. DSs BD has been in and out of his life for the past 7 years, but in the beginning it was more out than in.
DS warmed up to my DH right away, and developed stronger feelings as we all spent more time together. However, I had to have a lot of patience at first trying not to force them on each other and making sure that I was doing all of the parenting myself so that he didn't become resentful. In time he grew to love my DH and accepted him "telling him what to do" & spending more time with us. They have maintained a great relationship, but there have been plenty of hiccups along the way. We had our share of "you're not my real dad"s in the early stages. Even though it hurt his feelings, my DH knew it was just DSs way of acting out and expressing his hurt over the fact that his BD was not always around.
When BD disappeared the last time he was gone for over a year. During this time my DS started calling my DH daddy. Even though his BD is now back in his life and they have a wonderful relationship, he still calls my DH daddy as well.
My point is, everything comes in time. Don't try to push them together. Explain to your son that his BD is his daddy, and nothing will ever change that. That SO isn't trying to replace his BD, and that he doesn't have to like one more or better than the other. We have always told my DS and my SSs that step-families are just more people in your life to love, support and help take care of you. I know he is little, so it's hard for him to really understand; he probably just says these things because he is hurting about his BD not be around and isn't exactly sure how to express it. Just give him time and do the best you can.
Good luck to you!
It's a lot to go through and I see that you are struggling. Regardless if other people know the full story or not, it's plain rude to put something like this poster did about iddy biddy feelings being hurt.