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November 2011 Moms
mama&baby
member
So this makes me feel bad... but here we go
mama&baby
member
We have a family friend who is expecting. My thoughts are with her because I am sure it will be a hard pregnancy on her (she had lots of medical issues and the first doctor she went to told her to abort the baby b/c of them.. the next doc said there was no reason for an abortion). She has a boyfriend who is currently living with she and her mother while his home gets worked on. Then I think they will be moving out (not sure if this is before or after the pregnancy).
So... of course after the initial feeling bad for her...my mind immediately goes to "oh no, she will ask us for baby stuff.. I hope they have a girl". I am not sure if finances are an issue for her BF or not... but they kind of are for us. We are keeping our FX that DH gets this job and if he does we will be TTC within 6 months to a year. I am going to talk to DH to make sure he doesn't slip out something stupid like "well we have a bunch of baby stuff--wanna borrow it?".... but what if she asks? I don't want to be mean and say no (and DH would probably be unhappy with me about it) but at the same time our family isn't complete yet and I would feel awkward telling them they could use some things/clothes and then being like "oh well... I'm PG, so we're gonna need all our stuff back!" Any opinions?
Thanks and... I feel like a bit*& after this post but oh well..
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Re: So this makes me feel bad... but here we go
I am totally with you. You shouldn't feel bad about not wanting to give your stuff to her. You guys had to get your own, and they should too. If they can't afford it, they shouldn't have gotten pregnant. Sounds harsh, but it's true. Will she have a baby shower? She will get a lot of stuff then...
If she asks you, just say that you are going to need it for your own family. If it were me, I would also procrastinate on saying that too, like, "well, we'll see..." and then change the subject.
My BIL and his wife had a baby five and a half months before us and the only thing they gave/loaned us was the swing. And they got it free from a neighbor. Her sister had a baby two years before her so I know a lot of her stuff came from the sister, but she got a LOT more stuff from her shower than we did. I would not say the friend can expect to get stuff from her shower, but that doesn't mean she should expect it free from friends either!
I kind of doubt she will ask, but she might make it so she hopes you'll offer. If it were me, I'd bring it up first and be like "too bad we're hoping to have another baby soon, otherwise I would totally give you all our baby stuff...but I'm happy to help you figure out what you need and let you know what worked best for us". Or something like that.
Thanks ladies-- we haven't kept in touch with them as much recently, so I am kind of hoping it stays that way. The biggest problem is she is DH's family friend ( I barely know her) so he would be the one to say something most likely! I just tried to counter this by telling him "Honey you aren't going to believe this. I am on TB and this woman said she let her friend borrow her baby's old clothes and she just found out she's PG again, so she asked for them back and she said NO! OMG can you believe that?" He kinda just looked at me like... OK... that sucks. Hopefully me saying that will stick-- or at least prompt him to ask me before saying anything to her!
my read shelf:
Totally this. I can see if you were sisters and really close or something, but otherwise no.
this exactly- i would never ask someone to give me their stuff, even close family!- & tell her about once upon a child... maybe say something like "when we are done having kids and done with our stuff we might take our stuff there- it's so great! " maybe she can go there after/ if she has a baby shower.
she should not feel entitled to what is yours nor should you feel guilty for needing to hang onto it.
Oh I didn't mean to ask someone for their stuff. I don't think that's EVER appropriate. I meant I would feel more comfortable lending my stuff if it was close family.
Hopefully, she won't even ask! GL, OP!
A friend of mine asked about this the other day... now Maya has a decent amount of clothes because most were handed down from one of FMIL's friend and my friend's daughter is just getting into 3-6 month (Maya's out of pretty much all that) and she asked me a couple weeks ago if we could send some clothes her way because they don't have much and she really can't afford to go out and buy her new ones. I felt so awkward but honestly, I didn't want to part with any of her clothes yet. First because I'm just not ready to let go of them and second because we're going to hopefully have another soon and what if it's a girl?
So I said something like "Well... Maya didn't have much for 3-6 sizes but onsies and most of which were ruined but I can see what I kind find. As for her couple of outfits and stuff, I'm just not ready to give those up yet especially since we're looking at TTC in the fall and if we have a girl...".... I kinda rambled on but she was good about it and just said that anything could help, even if it's a few onsies. I felt awful, but lets face it. Those are ours and I don't want to part with them, plus I KNOW she wouldn't ever give us anything, or give them back. (not that I would ask, because I think that's rude, if you give someone something then it becomes theirs.)
If it's a close family friend I don't see why can't you let her borrow them and then get them back before your second is here, she will obviously be done with them long before you need them again. I don't mean say "Oh here you can have these." and then a year from now be like "Hey give those back." but just lend them to her with the knowledge that she will give them back when she is done. My mom had a close family friend when we were growing up and all their kids were each about two years apart from my sisters and I so lots of stuff went back and forth (and back and forth and back and forth). Many outfits were worn by all 5 (two theirs, three ours) of us girls!