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with every setback...

lrichmond86lrichmond86 member
in Late Term and Child Loss
DH thinks I've completely lost my mind and am a complete basket case.  He doesn't recognize any of the progress that I've made over the last six months, only the 2 percent of the time that I'm feeling terrible.  Last night I finally talked to him about why I've been feeling bad over the past week and a half and why it's lasted this long.  He said he was concerned because usually my bad days only last one or two days, but this time it's been about ten.  I tried to explain that when I feel this sad it's usually because of triggers and when the triggers just don't stop, neither does the sadness.  I then listed all of the triggers that have been there in the last month...  starting with baby Gary's 6 month angelversary, fathers day, starting to TTC, my 2ww ending with AF, his cousin having a baby we didn't even know she was going to have, the last of our pregnant friends having their baby, his god son's baptism tomorrow, and my birthday on Wednesday.  His response was that he thinks I should change therapists because "obviously" mine isn't working.  I feel really proud of the way that I've conducted myself over the last six months, despite any set backs that I might have.  I feel like I'm a much stronger person than I was prior to our loss and it makes me angry to know that DH doesn't agree.  It makes me feel kind of bad about myself.  In all honesty, I think I'm coping in a healthier way than he is... he never talks about the loss, never lets himself feel it, never gets emotional about it, never acts like seeing babies etc. effects him.  We've had this conversation so many times I'm just tired of having it.  I want to be able to talk to my husband about how I'm feeling, especially about something that was such a tragic experience for both of us.  But I'm talking myself in circles.  Aghh.  I'm just frustrated today.
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Re: with every setback...

  • kmichlnkmichln member
    I know my experience can't compare to yours at all. I was only 9 weeks pregnant when I was told I had a blighted ovum. So I never got to see a baby, but I feel like a piece of my heart shattered that day. So I know how much it hurts....but my husband is the same way. He hasn't ever talked about it, doesn't really seem to acknowledge that I feel like someone so close to me is gone. He hasn't shown any emotion. And when I have one of those moments where it is all too much he still doesn't say anything. Sometimes he will give me a hug, but other than that nothing. I think it makes this whole experience harder because I feel like I have no one to talk to and no one to lean on. I feel like I'm going through this whole thing alone. I'm so sorry you had to go through what you have. 
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  • ehlersmehlersm member

    Ugh - I hate that men and women grieve so differently. My husband is the same way; he rarely talks about the boys. I got him a key chain with their initials on it for  Father's Day and it is still in the box on his nightstand. I don't think we'll ever truly understand how each other is feeling and that's frustrating. Men want us to be "fixed" and don't really know how to deal when they don't think we are.

    As far as your progress, we know how hard it is and we are all very proud of you.

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  • RedInLoveRedInLove member

    If I may ask a question / offer a suggestion, has your DH attended any of your sessions with you or some on his own? I wonder if either he would benefit from that in his own grieving process, but also better understand where you are in this.

    I'm so sorry for the loss of your sweet Gary. 





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  • pottermommypottermommy member

    I think that he needs to go to your therapist with you, at least once so that he can understand what an A$$ he is being.

    Do not let him make you stop your process, you are doing so great, and you handle yourself with such love and understanding.  You are a wonderful person and no one could ask you to be more or do more than you are alreading doing.

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  • lrichmond86lrichmond86 member
    imageehlersm:

     I got him a key chain with their initials on it for  Father's Day and it is still in the box on his nightstand.

    Same here!  I got him dog tags with his name and birthdate and baby Gary's name and birthdate and they're still on our night stand!

    As far as therapy goes he comes to every other appointment with me.  He's just so stubborn that it doesn't matter what anyone says.  There's no changing his mind once it's set.  I knew this when I married him and I love him for his conviction, but it can also be really frustrating.  

    And thanks for all the support, ladies!  At least I know you all "get" me :)

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  • philfemgalphilfemgal member

    I am also 6 months out from our loss and you sound very similar to me.  I am okay most of the time, but I have ups and downs.  This past month or so have been a lot more ups then the few months before that.  We're also TTC again and I think that is the biggest factor of all of them--it's rough!

    I also think the idea that your therapist "is not working" just because you are still having bad times is ridiculous.  I recently was telling some friends that I've been feeling depressed a lot more often the past few weeks.  One of them right away asked, "Are you still going to therapy?  Is it not helping?"  It's sort of like people think therapy (or anti-depressants) are magic.  I am actually seeing two different therapists--one I go to alone who I had been seeing before getting pregnant and one along with my wife who we have been seeing since our loss--and neither of them has ever given any indication that my feelings are abnormal or concerning.  The way I see it is a horrible thing happened to me and I am still grieving.  And now I am trying to get pregnant again and it is so scary (and so far, not working).  And I am also watching people all around me get pregnant and have babies which just reminds me of losing mine.  Of course I have a lot of downs!  What exactly is a therapist supposed to do to stop someone from feeling devastated about losing a baby?  Isn't that how one is supposed to feel (as long as one can function of course).

    Sorry you are struggling with this.

    BFP #1 9/21/11. EDD 6/4/12.  Twins discovered at 8 weeks. Twin B lost at 14 weeks due to megacystis.  Alice Joe born and lost 1/5/12 at 18.5 weeks due to pre-term labor.

    BFP #2 7/11/12.  EDD 3/23/13.  Ada Alice born 3/20/13.

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