Anyone dealing with an Ex who gets monitored visitation?

tcfreedom · July 2012

My ex went to prison for trying to shoot me. It was the single most horrible experience of my life, but since I live in an uber-liberal state the courts decided that XH's crime was against me, not the children so he didn't lose his parental rights.

XH has a LOT of money, or at least his family does. They hired the most expensive 3 man defense team money could buy in our state and XH pled down to harrassment with a firearm and only got 19 months in a medium security prison. 1 month for my injuries and 18 because he used a gun which is the federal mandate for any crime commited with a firearm. Lovely...

So long, and tragic story short - He's out of jail, and after a year of fighting in family court, and against the recommendation of multiple therapists he's been given monitored visitation with our four daughters.

I have my first appointment with the therapist who's going to do the monitoring and therapy at 5pm tonight. I'm a wreck... I have PTSD from the incident and usually I'm really okay. A couple years of therepy has done wonders for my coping skills. But when I have something like this where my kids safety is concerned it's really hard to keep myself together. The anxiety isn't even describable.

I was just wondering if anyone else has dealt with an Ex who was awarded monitored visitaton or reunification therepy they're calling it. Thanks in advance if anyone has any experiences they can share.

Holly_1007 · July 2012

no experience but good luck! Glad his visitation will be monitored. hopefully it stays that way for a LONG time.

Schrodinger · July 2012

I don't have experience here, just lots of sympathy for your situation. I hope that therapy continues to help you cope with this, it must be very difficult for you and your kids.

Chance5291 · July 2012

Wow that is horrible I'm so sorry you had to go through that. ((hugs)) I don't have experience with your situation but have you thought about reaching out to oter survivors of domestic violence? Maybe they have suggestions on pro bono attorneys or other routes you could take- the media?

Again, I am so so sorry you're going through this. Take care of yourself

tcfreedom · July 2012

Thank you for the very kind reply's. I have a wonderful lawyer, and we explored all avenues available to us. The laws in my state are quite clear. No technical crime was committed against my childre, only myself, so he will retain his parental rights.

We are a "minimum harm" state. Meaning that as long as a parents behavior harms a child minimally their right to be in that child's life supercedes the child's rights not to have a relationship with them. It's truly messed up. It was written that way so that people who are drug addicts, or have other issues can't loose their kids if they are able to be mediocre parents.... hence minimum harm.

Anyway... We are all doing really well now. It's been a long three year struggle, but we are happy and I'm remarried. My kids adore their step dad and they are all very close. We are moving on with our life and at some point the girls will all be old enough to choose for themselves how much interaction they have with him. My oldest will be 15 in Sept and she's refused to participate. The court is not forcing her to see him. So the rest of the kids will have a choice some day I'm sure.

Thanks so much for all your support!

nurrieum · July 2012

I have no experience with the type of visitation you've described- I do however have PTSD and though no situation is like another I can to a degree sympathize with some of your anxiety. No matter what you're going to feel how you feel and you have the right to that. "Happiness is the best revenge" and "Courage isn't always a roar, sometimes it's still small whisper that says I will try again tomorrow." You can do this, you've survived this far and have provided a safe stable home for your children. They have seen you survive and can lean on that courage. Lots of thoughts and prayers to you.

Sidney77 · July 2012

My mom dealt with it with my dad, who was awarded visitation supervised, and eventually unsupervised with all 4 of my brothers. I was in college and chose not to see him at all because he almost killed my mom and injured 2 of my brothers. He fortunately didn't hurt anyone again but often threatened and I lived with that fear until a few months ago when he killed himself. It's hard to fight visitation in the courts, and it can deplete you of your finances. My husband and I just went through it with his stepdaughter. Her mom got supervised visits and she missed most of them so now she has none, but the possibility still looms out there if she ever complies with court orders. Her lawyer said to us "even criminals get to see their kids from jail" which is sad but true. Fortunately we had a judge last time that heard my step daughter's therapist's testimony about how damaging her behavior is and ruled that visits are for the child and not the parent so she said it's up to the daughter now to say when she is ready to see her mom again.

It is not easy... Fight for your kids, but don't feel guilt if you lose legally. You are the love and support in their life, so give them emotional strength and honesty about who their dad is and they likely will eventually do what me and my brothers did and stop seeing and talking to our dad as we got older. If it becomes unsupervised and you feel he is a physical threat to your kids, you need to get in touch with local domestic violence shelters who can help you get legal counsel or even change your identity and move if needed, especially if mental illness is involved. Take good care of yourself and reach out for support. Good luck!

twister22 · July 2012

I am incredibly sorry that you are having to deal with this, and you are definitely in my T&Ps. I cannot believe how extreme the state you are in is being. I understand it when a smaller crime is committed - my ex emotionally and physically abused me, but since he never technically hurt DS, he still has visitation, but no other rights. It's been over two years since our agreed CO, and minus one incident of physical abuse to DS (a red hand print on his bottom that was there for 3+ days and I told BD if it ever happened again he would go back to supervised visitation), it has been okay. In this situation, I think it is beneficial for DS to see his BD. But if BD would have tried to kill me?! I cannot even imagine how hard this is for you, and am glad that you're in therapy and it's helping you. If your eldest DD is refusing to see him, it is likely that the others will follow suit. I hope that things go as well as possible with the supervised visits.

Littlejen22 · July 2012

How is your CO written, what would happen if you moved out of state?

MrsBPO · July 2012

How monitored is the visitation? I had custody of my two grands and for the first several weeks the visitation was monitored by a caseworker in a public place (generally McDonald's) for a few hours at a time, and then it was changed to include me as supervisor on non-court-scheduled visitation. There wasn't the possibility of in-depth relationship-building because it was so public and the time constraints with the caseworker in attendance. Others have had at-home visitation with the caseworker supervising in the home environment, while others would have restricted visitation at the police station or other similar location.

My daughter went through monitored visitation with her younger daughter's dad. An hour or two at a time during the day in the presence of the caseworker. Her older daughter's dad moved out of state and is currently either in jail, rehab or living with his mom before his next stint in jail or rehab.

Jen, I have a feeling that if she moved, if he has the money he'd make a play for longer-term visitation, supervised by his parents or non-supervised since the children are no longer "convenient."

I am very sorry you have to deal with this. It is absolutely horrible. I would assume you live in my state (definitely one similar) if I didn't know better.

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