Trouble in Paradise - Advice Needed!!!

TikkiStarr · July 2012

Hello ladies! I've been lurking on here for a while love the way some of you are no-holds barred in giving your opinion which is exactly what I need. I do understand the need for snarkiness at times, but would REALLY APPRECIATE if it could be kept to a minimum as this is a very sensitive topic for me

First off, a little background - I've been married to MH for a little under a year, but we dated for almost 4 years prior to getting married. We have been TTC for about 6 months now since I've been off the bill early this year with no success.

My issue lies with MH. I've been charting and using OPKs to help pinpoint my FW and for the six months we've been TTC, we have only had sex during my FW twice, which is obviously very frustrating for me, to put it lightly. I'm not sure what is going on with MH, but he hardly ever initiates sex. We probably have sex 2x/month and I'm usually the one who initates it. I've tried talking to him about it, crying, nagging, putting on sexy lingerie etc. Nothing has changed as far as my physical appearance since we met - I've gained less than 5 lbs in the almost 5 years we've been together. Even during our HM, I was the one to initiate sex each time it happened. My confidence and self-esteem have taken a huge hit as I'm thinking I must be the problem, even though he tells me he's still attracted to me and I know he loves me. I know he's not gay either. I would blame it on the blood pressure pills he's taking, but he's only been on that for about 4 months and we have been having this problem for over a year now. He's not under any undue stress (we're doing very well financially and no health issues). His doctor even cut his BP med dose in half since his BP has improved since due to dietary changes.

I was "sort of" okay with the lack of sex, but now that we are actively TTC it is becoming a huge issue. He says he wants a kid and I know he does. I've heard when men withhold sex it is because they are punishing their partner in a passive aggressive manner for something - if this is true I have no idea what I could have done to him.

Now to the worst part, I cheated on him with a co-worker of mine a couple of months ago. We didn't "go all the way" but their was definitely kissing and caressing (sorry if TMI). I still love my husband and feel very guilty about this and it is all making me depressed. I wish I could talk to someone IRL, but when we were having issues a few years ago and he found out I was talking to my sister, he got very upset, so I've been holding this all in.

I'm not even sure if this is the right board for this and I'm sorry it got too long, but even just typing this has been sort of therapeutic. I'm afraid to admit my marriage might be over but I have a feeling it might be. Just looking for any advice or opinion anyone can offer. I've brought up therapy, but he shuts that down each time - I'm not sure what else to do!!!

saintpaulJess · July 2012

I'm really sorry you're going through this. You should probably put TTC on hold until you figure out whether your marriage is going to work or not. I also think counseling is a MUST. I really hope you can figure things out. It sucks to be in a marriage that isn't working.

Jnelle05 · July 2012

I would definitely take TTC off the table at this point. It sounds like you are very unhappy, and cheating is NEVER the answer-- no matter how unhappy you are... You always have the choice to walk away. If you want to work on your marriage, you have to commit to it, and definitely NOT cheat again! You can try going to therapy alone, and from there learn how to communicate and sort your feelings out. I think therapy can help you decide your next move.... Unless your mind is already made up and you already know that you want to leave him. Good luck.

vpine · July 2012

Talk to a therapist, they can help you. Perhaps even marriage counseling.

jenaw84 · July 2012

TikkiStarr:

I've tried talking to him about it, crying, nagging, putting on sexy lingerie etc. I don't think crying or nagging will make it better. If there is a problem that seems to just make it worse.

He's not under any undue stress (we're doing very well financially and no health issues). H and I are set financially, but you don't go to work with him. You have no idea what goes on in his job. I never knew how much H had going on until we started talking about it, he works in construction so I didn't think it could be tough. He works in 110+ degree temps and is over about 10-15 guys, that's a lot on a person.

I was "sort of" okay with the lack of sex, but now that we are actively TTC it is becoming a huge issue. He says he wants a kid and I know he does. I've heard when men withhold sex it is because they are punishing their partner in a passive aggressive manner for something - if this is true I have no idea what I could have done to him. Ok, below you said you cheated..maybe this has something to do with it? Maybe he wonders why you did it, has it happened before, or will it happen again. I couldn't let that go, so yea it would kill the romance and possible marriage.

Now to the worst part, I cheated on him with a co-worker of mine a couple of months ago. We didn't "go all the way" but their was definitely kissing and caressing (sorry if TMI). I still love my husband and feel very guilty about this and it is all making me depressed. I wish I could talk to someone IRL, but when we were having issues a few years ago and he found out I was talking to my sister, he got very upset, so I've been holding this all in.

Again, cheating is something hard to get over. Even if the amount of sex was a problem before, this couldn't help it in any manner. I'd suggest therapy, but that's something that you will want to do and he could check into. Have y'all talked to each other in a calm manner about your marriage and sex, even before you cheated?

tinkitty · July 2012

I agree with Sainpauljess. I would stop TTC as it sounds like he may have some serious trust issues with you now. How did he find out that you cheated? Did you tell him? How long after the incident did he find out? Have you stopped contact with that coworker? He may also be worried because you go to work around 8 hrs a day with this other man. Seek out some marriage counseling pronto. Good luck.

PrimRoseMama · July 2012

Go to marriage counseling.

DO NOT try to have a baby while your marriage is in jeopardy. It is not wise & will not fix anything. You need to resolve these issues before you toss the birth control. Please understand I am not trying to be mean, but an unstable marriage will absolutely crumble when you introduce a baby. All the stress, sleep deprivation & other things make existing problems even more apparent. You will be making life so much harder for yourselves.

Your marriage is your first "child". You have to nurture it & make it healthy before you add extra dependents. I really don't want you to feel like I am trying to be a dream-squisher, but you have to hear this.

I am sorry you are experiencing issues. It sounds like your husband has checked out of the marriage & there is more going on here. Good luck.

TikkiStarr · July 2012

tinkitty:
I agree with Sainpauljess. I would stop TTC as it sounds like he may have some serious trust issues with you now. How did he find out that you cheated? Did you tell him? How long after the incident did he find out? Have you stopped contact with that coworker? He may also be worried because you go to work around 8 hrs a day with this other man. Seek out some marriage counseling pronto. Good luck.

He actually doesn't know and doesn't suspect anything. I don't plan on telling him as that will only make the situation worse. I don't plan on cheating ever again and have no contact with the co-worker - we might run into each other every now and then at the office but don't work in the same department.

tinkitty · July 2012

TikkiStarr:

tinkitty:
I agree with Sainpauljess. I would stop TTC as it sounds like he may have some serious trust issues with you now. How did he find out that you cheated? Did you tell him? How long after the incident did he find out? Have you stopped contact with that coworker? He may also be worried because you go to work around 8 hrs a day with this other man. Seek out some marriage counseling pronto. Good luck.

He actually doesn't know and doesn't suspect anything. I don't plan on telling him as that will only make the situation worse. I don't plan on cheating ever again and have no contact with the co-worker - we might run into each other every now and then at the office but don't work in the same department.

I would still try to get some counseling. It sounds like you may need individual sessions at first and then invite YH to go with you.

Have you told anyone else about you cheating? If you have, remember if they're angry at YH they may tell him to hurt him or rat you out to hurt his feelings. I'm sure it would hurt worse coming from someone else.

jenaw84 · July 2012

TikkiStarr:

tinkitty:
I agree with Sainpauljess. I would stop TTC as it sounds like he may have some serious trust issues with you now. How did he find out that you cheated? Did you tell him? How long after the incident did he find out? Have you stopped contact with that coworker? He may also be worried because you go to work around 8 hrs a day with this other man. Seek out some marriage counseling pronto. Good luck.

He actually doesn't know and doesn't suspect anything. I don't plan on telling him as that will only make the situation worse. I don't plan on cheating ever again and have no contact with the co-worker - we might run into each other every now and then at the office but don't work in the same department.

Would you want him to tell you if he cheated, that is unfair to him. This isn't the best way to start out your TTC journery. You say you don't plan on cheating again, did you plan on cheating this past time? Not trying to be mean, but that is something that he has a right to know, you're married and trying to start a family.

tinkitty · July 2012

jenaw84:
TikkiStarr:

tinkitty:
I agree with Sainpauljess. I would stop TTC as it sounds like he may have some serious trust issues with you now. How did he find out that you cheated? Did you tell him? How long after the incident did he find out? Have you stopped contact with that coworker? He may also be worried because you go to work around 8 hrs a day with this other man. Seek out some marriage counseling pronto. Good luck.

He actually doesn't know and doesn't suspect anything. I don't plan on telling him as that will only make the situation worse. I don't plan on cheating ever again and have no contact with the co-worker - we might run into each other every now and then at the office but don't work in the same department.

Would you want him to tell you if he cheated, that is unfair to him. This isn't the best way to start out your TTC journery. You say you don't plan on cheating again, did you plan on cheating this past time? Not trying to be mean, but that is something that he has a right to know, you're married and trying to start a family.

I agree with this. I would want MH to tell me if he cheated on me. If I found out later, I would probably be traumatized and hurt FOR LIFE. How a person feels about being cheated on varies from person to person, but if MH ever did that to me I would divorce him immediately. There would be no second chances.

Jnelle05 · July 2012

tinkitty:
jenaw84:
TikkiStarr:

tinkitty:
I agree with Sainpauljess. I would stop TTC as it sounds like he may have some serious trust issues with you now. How did he find out that you cheated? Did you tell him? How long after the incident did he find out? Have you stopped contact with that coworker? He may also be worried because you go to work around 8 hrs a day with this other man. Seek out some marriage counseling pronto. Good luck.

He actually doesn't know and doesn't suspect anything. I don't plan on telling him as that will only make the situation worse. I don't plan on cheating ever again and have no contact with the co-worker - we might run into each other every now and then at the office but don't work in the same department.

Would you want him to tell you if he cheated, that is unfair to him. This isn't the best way to start out your TTC journery. You say you don't plan on cheating again, did you plan on cheating this past time? Not trying to be mean, but that is something that he has a right to know, you're married and trying to start a family.

I agree with this. I would want MH to tell me if he cheated on me. If I found out later, I would probably be traumatized and hurt FOR LIFE. How a person feels about being cheated on varies from person to person, but if MH ever did that to me I would divorce him immediately. There would be no second chances.

AGREED

beth9409 · July 2012

1. Put TTC on hold until you sort out what is going on with your relationship.

2. Marriage is built on honesty and trust. Come clean with your husband about the cheating. This is just a guess but it sounds like you may have other communication issues if this happened.

3. Counseling is a good idea for both of you or just you if he doesn't want to go.

tinkitty · July 2012

Were any of these issues a problem before marriage? If so, was there anything that may have triggered the disconnection? Did y'all live together before marriage? Has he stopped having fun or doing hobbies? If so, he may be depressed.

There are so many underlying reasons that could cause him to act this way. I hope you get everything sorted out. I know marital problems can feel like you're living in a nightmare.

darcy1225 · July 2012

I agree with all the pp. I understand your frustration but cheating is never the answer. Either you walk away or stay and work on your relationship but bringing a baby into the situation will only create more issues. I think you should put ttc on hold and figure out which direction you want to go. GL with whatever choice you decide to make.

OneHotMama89 · July 2012

I highly, highly recommend counseling. I've been married for 4 years (together 6) and we had some problems last year. I cheated, too. It was nothing physical but emotionally, I had checked out of the marriage. In that sense, I fully consider it cheating. I was upfront with MH about this. He was devastated, but it opened the gate for us to really get down to business and work on us. We went to counseling, both individual and couple sessions. While there are still some bad days (as any relationship will have), we are no longer having marital problems. It was only once the marital problems were resolved that TTC was up for discussion.

Best of luck to you. I understand how hard it is to be going through something like that and I hope you are able to resolve it soon. Please feel free to PM me if you need any more advice.

PinkRoses53 · July 2012

Wow, this is a lot you are going through so like everyone else, I think you and probably you and your H together would benefit from counseling. IMO, ttc at this point is a terrible idea. It is not fair to a child to bring them into an already rocky marriage.

teddybearjk2009 · July 2012

Hi there,

I'm on the newer side here too, but I hope you won't mind my opinion anyway. I agree with PPs, that you two need to work on the two of you before adding another person to the mix. If you are successful in your TTC, you will be needing a LOT of support from YH, and you need to feel secure in knowing that you will have that. Then, once the new LO is here, you two need a solid foundation to build your family.

I'm really sorry that you have to go through all of this, and that it is so trying for you. It sounds like you are aware of the big big mistake you made by cheating, and are willing to take responsibility for that, so as PPs said, you may want to look into marriage counseling.

And as you said in your OP, it is sometimes therapeutic just to type it all out. I feel that way with many of my frustrations too, and it helps just to get it out. It can organize your thoughts as you type. I'm always happy to "listen," I know whenever I have needed an ear, the ladies here have been happy to let me talk it out, too.

GL.

ETA: Realized poor wording made it sounded like I was the only one here interested in listening to vents/supporting as you talk things out. Not true!

Kaetbeth · July 2012

I just wanted to echo PPs and say that you should definitely stop TTC. Bringing a baby into your relationship right now is not an answer to your marital issues.

I also agree that you need to seek some counseling - whether it is with or without your husband. I think it would benefit both of you, but you mentioned that he seems pretty resistant. You need to insist on counseling for the sake of your marriage.

One thought regarding your husband's lack of sex drive - he might be depressed. Since he seems resistant to therapy, he might also be resistant to talking to a doctor. However, it would be worth checking in to.

Good luck.

af1274 · July 2012

You've gotten a lot of great advice here already, and I agree with all of the previous posters. I don't want to just repeat everyone else, but I do want to encourage you to be honest with your husband. You made vows to him when you married him, and a marriage can't survive without honesty.

I know it will be difficult, and it may even make things worse, but there is no chance to move forward unless you both make the choice to do so. If you are going to move forward, it has to be done on a good foundation, and without honesty you can't have that.

I wish you luck!

Raven01 · July 2012

jenaw84:
TikkiStarr:

tinkitty:
I agree with Sainpauljess. I would stop TTC as it sounds like he may have some serious trust issues with you now. How did he find out that you cheated? Did you tell him? How long after the incident did he find out? Have you stopped contact with that coworker? He may also be worried because you go to work around 8 hrs a day with this other man. Seek out some marriage counseling pronto. Good luck.

He actually doesn't know and doesn't suspect anything. I don't plan on telling him as that will only make the situation worse. I don't plan on cheating ever again and have no contact with the co-worker - we might run into each other every now and then at the office but don't work in the same department.

Would you want him to tell you if he cheated, that is unfair to him. This isn't the best way to start out your TTC journery. You say you don't plan on cheating again, did you plan on cheating this past time? Not trying to be mean, but that is something that he has a right to know, you're married and trying to start a family.

I agree with this.

SarahMeyer0823 · July 2012

PrimRoseMama:
Go to marriage counseling.
DO NOT try to have a baby while your marriage is in jeopardy. It is not wise & will not fix anything. You need to resolve these issues before you toss the birth control. Please understand I am not trying to be mean, but an unstable marriage will absolutely crumble when you introduce a baby. All the stress, sleep deprivation & other things make existing problems even more apparent. You will be making life so much harder for yourselves.
Your marriage is your first "child". You have to nurture it & make it healthy before you add extra dependents. I really don't want you to feel like I am trying to be a dream-squisher, but you have to hear this.
I am sorry you are experiencing issues. It sounds like your husband has checked out of the marriage & there is more going on here. Good luck.

This is beautifully put.

Sounds like you all need to work on your marriage before bringing in a child. It's not fair to that child - or to you and your hubby.

I'm sorry that you are going through this and hope that you and your DH can seek the help you need.

beachbum4304 · July 2012

I have to chime in and agree with PP. You really need to come clean with your husband. He has the right to know. Whether you plan on doing it again or not he needs to know that it happened. If I were your DH I would want to hear it from you now rather than hearing it in the future or from someone else.

Also please stop TTC. Having a baby in the midst of all this is a horrible idea. It's not fair to that child.

I wish you all the best and hope everything works out with you and your H.

purplepeanut6 · July 2012

saintpaulJess:
I'm really sorry you're going through this. You should probably put TTC on hold until you figure out whether your marriage is going to work or not. I also think counseling is a MUST. I really hope you can figure things out. It sucks to be in a marriage that isn't working.

This. Gl OP! hope you get through this! Im sorry your in this situation

TikkiStarr · July 2012

Thanks ladies! You're all right about holding off TTC for now - I think I knew that already but I've wanted a baby for so long and I'm just looking forward to being a mom.

As far as telling him about my cheating, I don't plan on doing that at this point. I know I should probably come clean, but don't see how that will help either of us. I suspected MH of cheating in the past before we were married (we were in a LD relationship) and even though I have no solid proof, I still know in my gut that he did. He never admitted to it, but I did forgive him in my heart and we did seek marriage counseling prior to getting married. My cheating was not intended to get back at him for his past indiscretions, but I guess I just wanted to prove to myself that I've still "got it". If he agrees to go to counseling, I might bring it up if the therapist thinks I should do so.

Thanks for all your advice and thoughts. I will be seeking counseling on my own and we will go from there. I don't want my marriage to fail but at the same time I need to be happy.

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Trouble in Paradise - Advice Needed!!!

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