possible late post partum????

stepht514 · July 2012

So I have posted on here about my horrible csection and my want for a VBAC. This is going to sound so crazy but I am hoping some one can tell me this happened to them and it will pass. After I had my son I went through a sad period about the csection. I felt like I wasnt a woman. I was so upset that my babies would be limited...things like this. My doctor basically talked to me and told me that I did the best that I could for my baby...blah blah. So I pushed it away telling myself to stop being selfish and I have such a beautiful family....Now, five months later I have hit a wall. All of a sudden I feel so depressed. I really have no drive to do anything. Its like I have baby fever. It feels like if I were to have another baby VBAC and successfully breastfeed then I would feel better about myself as a mom, wife, woman...etc. I know this is dumb. I keep telling myself in time I will have my chance to redo what I feel wasn't done right or at least try. I love my son so so very much I just wish that our experience could have been different. I feel stupid writing about this but I would like to know if anyone felt this way after a csection, five months or so later? It seems like it should have been sooner. Maybe I talked myself out of it and now its just coming back? The only thing I can think to make it better is just to keep my eyes on the future goal. A better pregnancy and delivery next time around. I keep feeling like I gave up too soon and went for a csection too fast. Its so silly because I know there are bigger problems out there that women deal with...

Cornflakegrl · July 2012

It isn't silly. It is normal for many women, and I can relate to having it hit hard unexpectedly. Grief over your c-section and post-partum depression are not the same thing. But one can lead to the next if you don't get the support you need. Be good to yourself by looking for healing as soon as you can by finding a support group. ICAN is a wonderful organization for having an outlet to discuss these experiences and emotions - and also for learning that there are other women who have been here. Is there a chapter near you?

Jcrab · July 2012

I didn't let myself really process and acknowledge how traumatic the C/S was for me until DS was well over two years old and I was preparing for my next birth. Everything you are feeling is normal. I did a lot of preparation with my second pregnancy and had a successful VBAC at home with midwives. It was empowering and healing. I also agree that meeting with an ICAN group was very helpful to me. Maybe talking with a therapist would be a great way to process and come to better terms with your feelings, I know it helped me a lot. GL!

iris427 · July 2012

Not silly at all. I had all of those feelings after my c/s. They hit at about 4 months postpartum. I've read it is common for that to happen, because the first few months you are too busy adjusting to being a mom to process your feelings about a difficult birth. I hope you can find peace with your c/s.

lostaspen · July 2012

I went through similar emotions and had baby fever pretty bad so I could have a do-over. The midwife I had really just swept my emotions under the rug when I brought them up (she kept saying the "just be happy you have a healthy baby" line). I never went back to her or her practice, or her hospital.

I knew that it would take a while to recover emotionally and decided a year was a good amount of time to let myself grieve and process it. Then I started doing lots of research into VBACs and providers. The midwife I found encouraged me and DH to do something to help let go of the negative feelings. Her ideas were to write down how we felt on pieces of paper, and then one by one burning them, or go to a river (or ocean/lake/mountain top) and letting rose petals go for every emotions we needed to let go of.

One night I came up with a quilt idea and decided to use it as my release. DH and I separately wrote lists of emotions we had surrounding the birth of our son (induction then c/s). Then we compared lists, added more words, and I put them on the quilt. It was a really good way for us to discuss everything and really air out the whole experience.

I had been planning to create a VBAC quilt, but have realized that the Cesarean Quilt ended up being about both of my kid's births. You can see it here: https://sparrowlanequilts.blogspot.com/2011/06/cesarean-quilt-complete.html

I just wanted to assure you that what you're feeling and going through is normal. Try to find someone to discuss everything with. I didn't know anyone that had gone through what I had, so it was hard to find someone to understand and validate what I felt. Just know you're not alone! Give yourself plenty of time and room to heal, and don't let others try to tell you how you should feel! Honor the feelings you have, and find a way to work through them on your own terms.

stepht514 · July 2012

Thank you for all your replies. Its so nice to know that I am not alone. It was also nice to read about not putting too much weight into the next birth because things could go wrong again. I guess its all about accepting how things went and doing my best next time around. I will for sure be checking for an ICAN chapter in my area. Thank you Thank you!

Jena503 · July 2012

My DD was over 18mo old when I discovered that I could not talk about her birth without crying about it. ICAN helped me a lot, just talking about it with a group of women who do not think you are crazy/stupid. Sure, there are bigger problems in the world. But this is your pain and your problems so OF COURSE it's a big emotional thing for you.

PPD can hit throughout the first year or so, as well as whenever you stop BFing (because those hormones go all out of whack again). I can easily see someone being too tired or too wrapped up in baby to process their emotions in the first 5 months.

MariJ1008 · August 2012

I was curious, so today is the first day that I checked out this board, and I came across your post! OMG!!! I totally felt the same way after I had my c-section...and sometimes I still cry about it! A big part of me still so upset that I had a c-section...I am gross out by the incision scar...I don't like to be naked in front of DH. I still feel soreness and pain. I sometimes feel horrible that me, DH and DS didn't have the birthing experience I imagined! I feel horrible, that it was very very difficult for me to breastfeed..and I only did it for 2 months. But i try to remind myself of the good memories!! Even though I did not have the birthing experience I had imagined during pregnancy, I still did a wonderful thing! I think about the look on DH face as he watched the dr pull baby out, and how he held him right away and brought him to me so i can kiss him! i try to focus on the good memories....and I also hope to try for VBAC...but i know i need to keep an open mind, and be emotionally ok with things not going the way i want them to.

just try and think about the good memories..i know that is hard...because i had a rough recovery..and even though i love my son more than anything...ive told my DH that having a csection was one of the worst experiences ive had....and im really nervous about getting pregnant again and having another csection!

but you have a beautiful healthy baby, that you cared for 9months...and it is the choices you made that made your baby healthy. and although we did not get to have the birthing experiences that we wanted....we have to make new experiences and memories with our babies and family now; and try not to dwell on what could have or what should have been.

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possible late post partum????

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