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Blended Families
nurrieum
member
not BFR my in laws are being ridiculous
nurrieum
member
My husband's step sister (B) is 17 (will be 18 in Dec) and will be graduating high school early in November. She came to me and my DH and informed us she is pregnant. My DH is very close to this sister and I have been friends with her (now fiance) since before highschool, so they came to us before going to the rest of her family (see the fact that my in-laws are crazy stoners).
Needless to say that though we were disappointed they chose not use protection (I was more disappointed they chose to have sex in the first place) but we did not want to condemn them or their child. We were a bit upset with her partner because he's my age (21) and is very capable of being responsible. Whatever the excuse was, it doesn't matter now because she's 8 weeks pregnant, ranting at them about their choices isn't going to change the circumstances.
So, we took them to dinner and had a long talk about how the responsibility level completely changes upon having a child and what will come with that in their situation.
Enter the problem with my in-laws (they are regular pot smokers and have very little interaction with their daughter let alone a vested interest in what's best for her). The day after telling us, B got the courage to approach it with her parents. They informed her that she will need to file for food stamps and will be required to "give them half" because they are "letting her" continue to live with them and that they will file for her medacaid benefits when they get around to it. She called my DH and he was pretty livid and encouraged her to simply move out now (as opposed to waiting until after graduation and her 18 birthday this December). She felt very helpless because she had no idea what her options were if she were to leave her parents home, we showed her how she can apply for her benefits herself and how to emancipate herself. She has decided she would like to move out because of the pot smoke and other issues regarding her parents (they won't give her a key to her own house- so if they decide to up and lock it while she's away- she's can't get it and they won't answer the door). She informed them of this and they said they didn't care what she did as long as they still got half of her state benefits. If she does not cough up half of her food stamps and state aid- they will call the police and report her as a run away as well as not provide any help regarding her medacaid.
The poor girl was a wreak. We again sat her down and explained that the police in our town do very little about supposed "run aways" (which is incredibly sad in the cases that are serious and need attention) and she can become emancipated. My mother who is a social worker offered to provide her with help with this. That she can apply for her medacaid and food stamps on her own (we will help her) and we will provide support. They also went and told his parents and they now B and her fiance will be moving in them. His parents (especially his mother) have agreed to provide support and help both of them navigate the situation with my in laws and all of us have sat down and had talks just to help keep B calm and let her know she's supported and loved. Thankfully her fiance has a decent job and their choice of living arrangement will help them save money as well as provide added support when the baby arrives.
My DH and I have taken on a more "parental" style roll with B because she's been isolated from the rest of her family and as she's feeling alone and vulnerable. Do we want to "praise teen pregnancy" no, but we also believe that a life is never a mistake and that a young mom shouldn't be taken advantage of by her family. While I can understand a parents frustration when their child makes choices that will change their life- my in laws however had little opinion on the fact that she was pregnant- other than that it inconvenienced them and she should have to "pay up" for that.
So yeah- I guess I just want to vent that. Please keep this young woman in your prayers.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: not BFR my in laws are being ridiculous
Wow. Your ILs sound like awesome and fabulous role models. I mean really, what kind of patent encourages their child to mooch off the State? And on top of that, they want half?! That poor girl needs to get out of that house.
Keep giving her as much emotional support as you can. As a teen mom, I can tell you that she probably feels terrified and alone right now. She's going to need as much positive support as possible.
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Yeah we just had dinner with them tonight and she got a text from her mom that her biological Dad has insurance for her but she's been waiting to see her to tell her about it. (B hasn't been over to her house in the past 11 days though she's had contact with her mom- her mom failed to make any move to see her or let her know she had important insurance info until NOW).
So my DH is going over with her to my in laws house tomorrow morning to get the rest of her stuff and she's formally moving out. She's going to contact her biological Dad herself to get her insurance info. My in laws are just playing games and it doesn't even make sense. It's pretty unsettling that her mom would know that B had insurance with her biological father and keep it from her. B has been trying to figure out this insurance situation for 3 weeks- my mother in law has supposedly "had the paperwork for medacaid" but now out of blue there's insurance from her biological father. It's was just more manipulation to try and keep B helplessly relying on her parents so they could milk her.
She's very scared- she can't talk to either of her sister who were also teen moms and she's just nervous. Being pregnant myself has help because she's been able to ask me questions and talk. She's really nervous about the transvaginal ultrasound. I'm glad she's getting out though- my in laws were really nasty to me because my birth plan is not their birth plan and they would totally railroad her and some of their choices are unsafe. So I'm glad she's able to get out and make certain choices for herself.
They aren't getting married for sometime and we've encouraged them to have a lengthy engagement. I don't believe in marrying someone because you've gotten pregnant and we've told them that being so young they will change a lot as people in the next several years as well. We're encouraging them to stay together but trying to show them how to be realistic. This will not be rainbows and roses and this will put a strain on their relationship as it is.
Yes, she has ruled out adoption. When they first came to us, we had a long conversation about the responsibility and changes that will take place. She will be taking a part time job after she finishes school and once she has the baby will decide if she wants to enroll in college courses or not. Aside from just monetarily supporting her child (he has a full time job and wants to support her, however despite this- we want her to be stable on her own) we're discussing parenting methods and how from this point her child is her priority not the things she wants. We've continued to have discussions like this as a group with his parents as well (we're friends with them and so that's been really good). We've approached this conversations from a stand-point of love but we want this to be real for them and the gravity of the situation to actually hit them. Thankfully because of a lot of open communication between them, us, and his parents these things are being addressed.
I'm not engaged- I am married. I am not a kid, I am an adult.
We did not advice them to get engaged- that was a choice they made on their own. So instead of being condemning we advised them to make it a lengthy engagement and not rush into getting married. Perhaps that was unclear. I am not naive as to think that this teenage relationship will last, however taking the attitude that it's just not going to work period is not helpful. So instead of condemning it we've challenged them with what it means to get married.
We're encouraging her to take classes at the community college level however instead of overwhelming her with trying to force a bunch of plans on her, we're taking it one step at time. Setting short and long term goals but focusing on the day to day. We are encouraging her to look at all of the possibilities of her future even the unpleasant ones, such as caring for her child on her own.
I don't know if this will help her at all, but when I got pregnant with my son at 16 my mom took me to different stores and had me price just the bare necessities: a crib, a crib mattress, bedding, diapers, formula, etc. That was a HUGE slap of reality. I wasn't really old enough to get a "real" job, but I had been working for my father at his restaurant for all of High School, so I had a source of income (albeit very limited). My parents told me they would allow me to continue to live with them rent-free after my son was born, but made it very clear that they were not going to be my ATM and pay for my baby. I had to start saving money ASAP, and it was really hard. But I'm grateful to my parents for not helping financially. They also wouldn't allow me to go on welfare/food stamps. It forced me to grow up.
Community college is a good start. She will definitely qualify for some sort of financial aid, and most of the community colleges offer online classes. Online classes will allow her to do the work at night or during the baby's naptime, and she'll stay on track.
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I'm sorry I misinterpreted when you said "you and your FI" I might have misinterpreted the initials. I haven't gone into everything we've been discussing with her but this is exactly what we are trying to do. We're trying very hard not to let being supportive get confused with clouding reality. We've challenged her with how are you going to juggle a job, school, paying your bills, finding daycare for your child, keeping your living space clean and safe for your child. What parenting methods have you discussed, how does this mesh with the guy she's dating- do you know the milestones and developmental stages for your child. As I've said in previous posts we've been trying to prepare her for monetarily supporting her child but also the factors of emotionally doing it on her own as well. We've been discussing the options of what will happen if this does not work out with this guy. We're also hoping to get her to meet with some of the single teen moms that we know to show her what their struggles are.
This is something I would like to do- they have already purchased somethings for the baby. However his mom is wanting to give them a lot. They are already wanting to provide her with free daycare and a place to live. While I think this is sweet, it's not preparing her for reality, especially if this relationship fails. They are jointly saving money together right now to prepare for the baby and he has a full time job but again this is only going to work as long as their relationship works.
As sucky as it is to be the downers to her- we're trying to show her all of the things she may have to do on her own should this not work out. (It's why we're hoping to get her to meet with some single moms we know who've had to do this on their own). We're not wanting to overwhelm her and push her away, she's really emotional, but at the same time we don't want to just pretend this will all just be okay because other people will carry her. We want to encourage her to be strong and independent for her child.
I vote she accepts the free daycare as long as it's offered, but try and pass on living with them. If she has no other alternative right now, then she should take them up on their offer but continue to stash money aside in case the relationship fails and she needs to move out.
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She unfortunately doesn't have other living options available aside from a shelter which she doesn't want because she wants to live with her fiance. We are encouraging her to stash money away.