IF and the in-laws?

Ms H13 · July 2012

If your in-laws are aware of your struggle with IF, how have they reacted? My in-laws are informed and up to date with everything we've been doing to try to get pregnant, and they've responded by doing... absolutely nothing. They haven't so much as spoken a word to me about any of it.

I should add that I'm not super close to them - they live far away and we only see them once or twice a year. DH usually calls them once or twice a week but I'm not usually involved in their conversations. Even though we're not close it still hurts that they don't even seem to want to briefly say hello and they hope I'm feeling OK after what amounts to a minor surgery and medical treatment in order to try to get pregnant with their grandchild. To be honest it makes me feel like they don't care at all.

I'm aware that this probably sounds self-pitying and that I could initiate a conversation with them without waiting for them to come to me. I just need a few unbiased perspectives here - don't know whether hormones or ivf emotions but having a hard time knowing how to take their lack of support.

meierstennes · July 2012

My in-laws are aware of our struggle with infertility. We are dealing with male infertility and it seems like MY parents are more supportive and in the know than my in-laws. My mother-in-law is a nice person but she just doesn't understand our situation. My DH wishes she would be more of a "mom" than a "mother" and listen to him and let him vent about his situation. Most of the time she just says, "Oh, I am so sorry you two are going through this but it will happen", which in all reality my DH and I may not conceive biological children together.

Maybe your in-law are uncomfortable talking about the situation or they dont' want to upset you by talking about the infertility problems. I am sure they care but I do understand how you may feel about them not seeming to care. Hang in there!

emikat · July 2012

It's the opposite with me. My inlaws are great and want to know everything going on and express lots of concern. My mom on the other hand has said some strange things and while I know she would like a grandchild, she is not helping in the stress department. I'm choosing to keep her lightly informed at this point.

freeman2121 · July 2012

Infertility is a weird thing & I think most people don't know how to react. We know what we're going thru, the daily stuggle, seeing babies & preggos everywhere - esp after a failed cycle (it's like it's raining them or something) We just recently told my hubby's family we did IVF. Their response - Umm hmm. Pretty close to nothing. Talked to father-in-law on the phone the other day - never even mentioned it. Try not to take it personally. It is weird & uncomfortable for alot of others to talk about. And in all reality, how many people actually knows what all is involved in making a baby? We here know all the ins & outs - I for one, know way more than I ever cared too.

Best wishes to you

maggie2324 · July 2012

My in laws are great. It was hard for them when we first told them, but they turned around and decided to be as supportive as can be.

My mom is not supportive though. I tried to keep her 'in the know' but it felt like she didn't care. Before I had my ER I told her "it's a surgery!" and she didn't even call to check up on me. I didn't hear from her again until I sent her a text on my beta day.

RunningwithPearls · July 2012

I think both my IL and my parents just dont want to overstep their bounds. My parents have been supportive and have sent encouraging greeting cards, but usually don't bring up the IVF subject unless I bring it up. My H told my IL not to ask him about it and has said when there is news he'll tell them. We also havent been in many one on one situations with them lately, so I do appreciate them not bringing up the subject in front of extended family.

Maybe your IL just don't know what to say and dont want to make you upset. If you aren't that close with them, they may not know what is appropriate.

Ms H13 · July 2012

Thanks for the replies and insights, it's been very hard for me to know how to take their response. It very well could be that they are trying to respect my privacy or not overstep boundaries here. I think I need to sit down with DH and ask him his thoughts.

Enndea · July 2012

Like others have said--I think it's this fine line--people want to ask and show care/concern but not seem intrusive or like they're poking into your personal life. From my end, I am extremely grateful for my in laws. They are aware of the situation and in fact have given us a $10K interest free loan to cover the costs of our IVF (thank God for that!!). So, they ask general questions such as "how are things going" but never anything too specific. I take that as my cue to fill them in with as much as I want them to know. I know they care--but I do think there is a fear in them to ask too much. Out of curiosity--what happens with your in laws when *you* bring it up? Do they seem uncomfortable or do they engage in a discussion with you? Some people are very.....uptight about these types of things. I don't know if they fall into that category or not. But, it might not be anything personal and more of a 'how they are wound' type of thing....

Mitzi Bishi · July 2012

One thing that sounds a little silly, but that might help is if and when you do talk about it to tell them what you expect from them. Something along the lines of "we're telling you XYZ, because this is really a lot for us to go through and we could use support in the realm of ABC" or telling them how you want them to respond.

Honestly, this is part of the reason we haven't told my IL's about it.

Even my DH said MIL will make it about her and say something like "well, maybe I wasn't supposed to be a grandmother". She's already given me her insight on a few things and they probably think we could be having issues (we've been married 6 years), although they don't even know we've been TTC.

Resolve also has some good tip sheets you can give people about how to approach those with IF. Sorry they aren't giving you what you'd like, but they may be concerned about over stepping their boundaries. It's so touchy. Good luck!

Ms H13 · July 2012

Mitzi Bishi:

One thing that sounds a little silly, but that might help is if and when you do talk about it to tell them what you expect from them. Something along the lines of "we're telling you XYZ, because this is really a lot for us to go through and we could use support in the realm of ABC" or telling them how you want them to respond.

Honestly, this is part of the reason we haven't told my IL's about it.

Even my DH said MIL will make it about her and say something like "well, maybe I wasn't supposed to be a grandmother". She's already given me her insight on a few things and they probably think we could be having issues (we've been married 6 years), although they don't even know we've been TTC.

Resolve also has some good tip sheets you can give people about how to approach those with IF. Sorry they aren't giving you what you'd like, but they may be concerned about over stepping their boundaries. It's so touchy. Good luck!

Ooh, I really like this and am stealing it! Thank you!

Ms H13 · July 2012

Endea thank you also for your thoughtful insights. In the past when we talked about my lap my MIL asked a few questions but FIL looked like he'd rather be fighting poisonous sharks than having a discussion about my fallopian tubes.

It could very well be that they are not comfortable discussing it. I think I'll sit down with DH this weekend and tell him how much this is bothering me, maybe we can come up with a way to discuss it with the IL's in a tactful (ie non-blaming) way that lets them know how they can best show their support.

Again, thank you so much for all your comments - this was really getting me down and now I feel much better about it.

kflynn81 · July 2012

I live with my inlaws and I have the same reaction. No one asks how I'm feeling, what process we're taking, anything ...at all. Despite the fact that their fridge is full of injections...its kinda weird. But then again, they're like that towards me in general. I owned my own business for two years yet no one said boo about it, but my BIL's girlfriend answers phones for a living and they think she is the bees knees and can't get enough about how she transfers calls all day long, LOL whatevs

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