Intro and a question

MoFree · July 2012

I became a preemie mom when my daughter Lila Elise was born on June 24 at 31w weighing 3 lbs, 13 oz. I had an easy textbook pregnancy until 27 weeks when completely out of the blue I started contracting heavily. Bedrest and nifedipine allowed me to carry her for 4 more weeks. Since I received steroid shots she has not had any lung issues. She needs to feed and grow before we can think about her coming home.

Like many of you I never thought of a scenario other than a full term, healthy baby since I had absolute none of the risk factors. Even after 11 days I am having a hard time processing everything. I am feeling very guilty that for unknown reasons my body F'd up and I could not keep her safe until she was ready to enter the world. I am hesitant to confess this but I still feel somewhat of a disconnect between the baby in the isolette and my pregnancy. I also feel cheated out of a normal, happy birth experience. For those with older babies,how do you come to terms with this?

Thanks for your help and advice.

MoFree · July 2012

Thank you for your very helpful response. I had a vision where my daughter would lie on my chest before the cord was cut and my DH and I would immediately feel this cosmic connection to her and to each other. Obviously that was not our reality.

I am able to hold her and am looking forward to the time when she can first bottle feed her and then BF.

jcsntms06 · July 2012

First off Congratulations on the birth of your daughter.

Second, it just takes time, really. It was hard for me the first time around and finally we decided to have a second baby, even though I knew I was at risk to have pre-e and PTL.

Praying your LO is home soon! Please keep us updated.

nat6102006 · July 2012

As others have said, it just takes some time. Focus on the little milestones while she's in the NICU; things will get easier.

I think all preemie moms mourn the loss of the "normal" pregnancy and birth experience.

Good luck to you and baby Lila!

jacque_z · July 2012

Welcome and congratulations on your little girl!

Like Boston said, it takes time. You'll grieve the pregnancy and birth experience that you thought you would have. I still do and I'm 19 months out. We had a rough NICU experience and I developed PTSD. I sought out counseling and that helped a lot. And if it makes you feel any better I didn't feel 'connected' to my baby for quite some time. I didn't get to hold her for almost 4 weeks. All that to say prematurity and the NICU experience are rough! Give yourself time to adjust.

I hope your D is home sooner than later!

pathfindermon · July 2012

I'm so glad that you asked this. My lo was born a month ago at 31 weeks 4 days and I have felt the same way. It is still hard for me to believe that everything happened the way it did. We are home now and it is weird for me to look at pic's from the NICU. Like seeing them makes it more real. And it is weird the think that I should still be carrying him for another month. So, that part I am still working on. As for the bonding- caring for him in the NICU helped with that. And now having him home has helped even more. He is finally mine. I think the bonding will just come with time.

Congrats on your little girl!! Believe it or not the time in the NICU did seem to go fast. I pray that your time also goes fast and is uneventful!

DrRx · July 2012

Congratulations!! I'm glad to hear that she hasn't had any lung issues.

As PPs have said, time really does help. What also helped me was talking about her story and updates via the board, as well as emails that I sent family and friends. We always had milestones to look forward to, such as when she would be big enough to wear clothes, have the lid up from the incubator, etc.

We also made it a point to be involved in as much of her care as we could, such as diaper changes, checking her temperature, wiping her eyes, etc. We would try to be there for several "Hands On" times which is when we would be able to interact with her.

Also, I see that you can hold her, but are you doing true Kangaroo Care? What I mean by that is if there is full skin-to-skin contact of her just lying on your chest. I would bring a button down shirt of my husband, and right after her Hands On time when they would get her feed going I would change into just this shirt (without a bra). I would then place her in between my breasts, close some of the lower buttons, and put a blanket over her back. This snuggle time with her was great. I would do this for at least an hour at a time--sometimes even more. It was also great for my milk production.

Also, how other PPs have said, it's pretty normal to feel cheated out of a happy birth experience. I feel cheated out of a happy pregnancy. I dealt with my disappointment and mourned the loss of my pregnancy through talking about it and writing about it. I know that it seems like you're only supposed to worry about your child, but I think that it's important to deal with those feelings of not having the pregnancy experience that you always wanted.

I also felt guilty, but I knew that there was no reason to feel guilty. Once I would start, I made it a point to say out loud that I actually did everything I could to give her the best chance so there was no reason to feel guilty.

Like others have said, time is ultimately what really helps. We're here to help you along the way.

Mrs. Alice · July 2012

Welcome and congrats on your little girl! What a beautiful name!

I was high risk in my pregnancy due to mono/di twins but I definitely had no idea what we faced and it was by far the hardest thing I went through. I went on mod bedrest at 22 weeks and was hospitalized at 24 weeks. My boys will be a year next week and I am feeling pretty emotional due to the memories, but it does get better with time. I feel like I had some mild post traumatic stress and depression for several months after. Talking about it to other moms who can relate really helps, but mostly just time heals. HUGS.

njdcgirl · July 2012

Hi there, and welcome to your duaghter - I followed your story for so long on IF/IFV, and was happy to read you were pregnant! I'm sorry to hear about her early arrival, but I'm so glad to hear she is doing well and not having lung issues.

DS is two, and at times I still mourn the loss of a normal pregnancy...although I think about it a lot less now. I had a perfectly normal pg until things went to crap at 23w, so was totally caught off guard by his early arrival. Not many preemie moms get to plan for an early arrival, and I think you'll find that many others feel the same way you do - especially as you are still healing from the birth, and dealing with her in the NICU. It's a lot to handle, and very overwhelming.

It took me quite awhile to feel bonded to my son - we couldn't hold him for over a month. Like others have mentioned, kangaroo care is a wonderful bonding experience, definitely ask about it. And, just know that even with a "picture perfect" birth experience, not everyone feels that instant connection. But, it will come - I guarentee it!

Ways I came to terms with DS's early birth was to blog a lot, find strength and support from other NICU parents (both in real life and on these boards) and some therapy. AND, to celebrate each milestone with my DS. Be gentle with yourself, and know what ever you are feeling is ok. ((HUGS))

urbanflowerpot · July 2012

MoFree:
Thank you for your very helpful response. I had a vision where my daughter would lie on my chest before the cord was cut and my DH and I would immediately feel this cosmic connection to her and to each other. Obviously that was not our reality.
I am able to hold her and am looking forward to the time when she can first bottle feed her and then BF.

I dreamed of that, too! I didn't have a birth plan - but I did envision that moment, where they'd bring him up and he'd lay on my chest and I'd hear his first little snuffles and cries up close - instead he crowd surfed out of the OR in a sea of doctors and nurses with a teeny wail that didn't even sound real. You know, that big, WAHHHH! he sounded like a lamb 100 miles away.

I'm sorry this is where you are right now - and to be honest it's going to take a while...maybe a long while. NICU is a rollercoaster - even for grower and feeders. It's very wearing. But there are bright moments, too! and we'll be here to listen.

I didn't expect my birth, either, in fact I walked around in labor all day and while I was working he started pushing his way out. I didn't know what was going on...and even when I reluctantly told my manager that I couldn't finish my shift or even the tables I had that I'd be having my baby within the hour.

But congratulations - I found hearing that very awkward when I first came to the preemie board. I was horrified/in shock. I was like, congratulations??! On screwing something up and putting my baby in NICU?? but it isn't that way...and in time you will feel better. Many of us have been to therapy and struggle with PTSD.

Some milestones to look for that are particularly difficult will be your due date coming up - then anniversaries of anything - things get really tough leading up to the first birthday then it seems to become significantly easier. That sounds like a lot, I know. The good thing is preemie moms are some of the most supportive and caring people around.

There are some links in my siggy - it would be a good idea to send the FAQ link to family/friends now so they'll know how to help.

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