Parenting after Loss Check-In

Mrs Nice · July 2012

Hello Ladies,

I hope everyone had a good week!

If you have your rainbow, what were your thoughts/feelings during delivery? Was it a private moment for you and your SO or did you allow any special family/friends to share it with you?

What are some of your fears about PAL and how do you not let them overcome you?

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week?

johnnys june · July 2012

if you have your rainbow, what were your thoughts/feelings during delivery? Was it a private moment for you and your SO or did you allow any special family/friends to share it with you? I was nervous at first, and then, surprisingly calm. I had a c-section, but this c-section was different....relaxed...compared to last time with Logan. We did allow his parents and sister to go to the viewing room but we instructed them not to open the curtains until we had our moment and then we would reveal the baby and her name. The moment she cried was surreal. Then when they handed her to me to allow me to do skin to skin immediately, I was in a whirlwind of emotions....I literally said out loud "Is she real?"....Best night of my life so far.

What are some of your fears about PAL and how do you not let them overcome you? What don't you fear!?! There's the natural "Is she breathing"...but I think every mother does that. I actually fear most of all being alone with her outside of the house. I just don't trust my mother instincts. I will protect her with every inch of my life...but I'm always doubting my abilities. I feel like I must not have been good enough to keep Logan...why would I be good enough to keep Emma. That's the first time I've ever admitted...or even pin pointed that deeply rooted fear. How do I overcome it? Moment by moment. I have this beautiful creature in my arms, by my bedside every night that depends solely on me. I can't let my fears get in the way of that...

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week? Am I doing it right? Will I "know" when something is wrong? Will I be able to survive these exhausting, emotional next few months? Will I ever be able to visit Logan's grave??? It's been forever...between the pregnancy, bed rest, and now having a newborn...I don't remember that last time I visited up there. He deserves better...

Mrs Nice · July 2012

If you have your rainbow, what were your thoughts/feelings during delivery? Was it a private moment for you and your SO or did you allow any special family/friends to share it with you?When I had Ian, my parents and my MIL were there at the hospital and so I didn't get the time alone with him right after he was born that I wanted. So, when I got Pg again I decided that I didn't want anyone at the hospital until I was ready for them to be. The only way for this to happen was to not tell anyone that I was even in labor. Zachary was born at 2:42 in the afternoon and we didn't call anyone till after 6:00 that night. Our parents were all pretty upset at us for this but whatever, they will get over it. I would not change it if I could. The time we spent together for the first time for a few hours were so precious.What are some of your fears about PAL and how do you not let them overcome you?Everything scares me. I want so badly to see him growing up, I want to try to protect him from everything! On the other side of the coin tho, I still want him to have a life so I don't want to be too overprotected. My Aunt had a stillbirth years ago and had two boys after. They were so overprotected that they now have problems with social skills and ADD along with multiple other issues. I don't want that for my son. How do you let them go when you just want to hold them tight forever? I am trying to be really good about going out and interacting with other ppl. (as long as they aren't sick and have washed their hands!

) Baby steps I guess! Lol!Open Topic. What is on your mind this week? I think that DS is teething.

It is so hard to see him upset and frustrated! I wish there was more I could do for him!

pottermommy · July 2012

If you have your rainbow, what were your thoughts/feelings during delivery? Was it a private moment for you and your SO or did you allow any special family/friends to share it with you?

We had a scheduled CS so we were alone, and then had 2 glorious hours alone in recovery and then went to our room where family was allowed in for about an hour and I starting having a bad reaction to the meds and my Pre E went crazy and everyone got kicked out and we were alone again!

I was so scared, terrified actually, I was laying on the table shaking, they asked if I was cold but I was just scared.

What are some of your fears about PAL and how do you not let them overcome you?

I am afraid he is going to die too. I take anxiety meds and other than that...I just stay afraid.

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week?

Oh my....well this could get wordy....

I found out I was PG even though we got a tubal and I did not know how I felt. It was so dangerous and I was so scared. I didn't even know how I felt about the pregnancy I was just terrified (please do not hate me for that I know so many of us desperately want babies I know I should have just be greatful but I was so so scared)

The risk of ectpic was 40% and the risk of M/C was 60% and if I carried past first tri the risk of PTL was so high b/c of the CS with a FT baby jsut 5 months ago. If all went fine they would take the baby as soon as it hit 4 lbs so that my UTE wouldn't rupture and kill us both...Yup TERRIFIED.....

I started the miscarrying last night. Now I feel guilty for not being excited and sad and nervous and like I don't know just not in a very good place. I was alright until today. Now I am not so ok anymore.

Mrs Nice · July 2012

pottermommy:
I found out I was PG even though we got a tubal and I did not know how I felt. It was so dangerous and I was so scared. I didn't even know how I felt about the pregnancy I was just terrified (please do not hate me for that I know so many of us desperately want babies I know I should have just be greatful but I was so so scared)

The risk of ectpic was 40% and the risk of M/C was 60% and if I carried past first tri the risk of PTL was so high b/c of the CS with a FT baby jsut 5 months ago. If all went fine they would take the baby as soon as it hit 4 lbs so that my UTE wouldn't rupture and kill us both...Yup TERRIFIED.....

I started the miscarrying last night. Now I feel guilty for not being excited and sad and nervous and like I don't know just not in a very good place. I was alright until today. Now I am not so ok anymore.

Oh pottermommy! I didn't know! I am crying for you! Please dont feel guilty. You did NOTHING wrong! I would have been terrified too. Seeing how upset you are just goes to show how much you did care for and love that LO already. Great Big Hugs to you today.

Petunia844 · July 2012

pottermommy:
I started the miscarrying last night. Now I feel guilty for not being excited and sad and nervous and like I don't know just not in a very good place. I was alright until today. Now I am not so ok anymore.

Sorry to bust in on your check-in. Please know that there is nothing to feel guilty about... when I read your intro on PGAL, honestly my first reaction was "Oh God, she must be terrified." I didn't want to sound like a Debby Downer to your intro, but I even told my husband how scared you must be. With all you went through with Pre-e, with how hard your L&D was with Gabriel, with all you now you have to live for with him in your arms... how could you have not been terrified? That doesn't mean you didn't love that new little LO for the day or so you knew you were pregnant, it means unfortunately that you are a loss mom. You were scared for you, scared for that new baby, scared for Gabriel... there was no reason you should have been jumping up and down and excited- you knew that all of you were in a really dangerous position. Just please be gentle on yourself, you did nothing wrong. You love all of your babies and you always will.

julesverne · July 2012

If you have your rainbow, what were your thoughts/feelings during delivery? Was it a private moment for you and your SO or did you allow any special family/friends to share it with you?

We had another planned c-section (Jack's was planned as well, but it more of a last minute scheduling), and I was a lot more nervous with DD I think because it was at birth that we realized how sick Jack was, and since DD was diagnosed with a heart defect as well in-utero, I was nervous that we would go through heartache all over again. But oh..the moment they laid her in my arms (I didn't get to hold Jack til he was a few days old) I dissolved into tear...she was absolutely beautiful (I'm tearing up just thinking about it) and DH got to stand there as I held her in the delivery room..it was a moment I will never forget.

Then while she was in the NICU, only the parents were allowed to visit due to the fear of the swine flu, so although everyone was upset that they didn't get to see her, it was nice to have her all to ourselves

What are some of your fears about PAL and how do you not let them overcome you?

I worry about everything. I am afraid that I will be overly protective with DD because I am afraid of losing her. I am afraid I will turn into that mother that doesn't let her kids do anything--no dating, no going to parties with friends, etc etc. I try to tell myself that I keep her in a bubble forever, but it's hard when she's almost 3..I know it's going to be more difficult when she's older and wants more freedom.

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week? BFN--I've got babies on the brain BIG time. DD is potty trained (except for nap and bedtime) so she's wearing "big girl" pants and we moved her into a "big girl" bed (ie twin bed) and took apart her crib/toddler bed the other day, and it made me sad that she's not a baby anymore. I love being able to talk with her and play, etc..but I miss the tiny baby..they grow up so fast, and I think DD will be a wonderful big sister.