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What's the tipping point?

MrsAtchMrsAtch member
in Single Parents

This is my first post here, so I apologize if there is a posting protocol I'm not aware of. I'm hoping you can tell me what the tipping point was for you to leave?

I've been with my DH for five years, married for 3. We have an 8 month old daughter. He's a very good father. I know that he is a good man, and that he carries a tremendous amount of guilt for being the way that he is. He is a disabled Iraq war veteran and has major issues with showing any kind of emotion toward me. He doesn't ever come to bed (maybe once every few months), plays video games constantly, won't go to any events with me, etc. I've done everything I can to try to help him get better but he refuses to go back to individual counseling and won't go on medication.

We are in couples counseling (have been for 6 months bi-weekly) and it doesn't seem to be helping- if anything it has gotten worse. He doesn't drink or do drugs and isn't physically or verbally abusive. He's mostly just indifferent. There is no real connection between us anymore other than our daughter and we have nothing in common. I have to go to everything by myself and I feel lonely almost all the time. I know that he doesn't want it to be like this between us but he's not willing to do anything about it. I asked him to stay at his parents for a few days so that I can clear my head. He will be leaving tomorrow after I get home from work (he doesn't work so he watches our daughter.)

I realize this is nothing compared to what many of you have had to deal with. I guess I just don't know what to do. I feel like I'm with him because of his potential, and out of loyalty and obligation. Everything I wanted for my family seems impossible now. I still love him and care about what happens to him but I don't see myself being able to be happy like this. WWYD? 

After two losses, a rainbow arrived! DD born 11.5.11
Dx with severe Asherman's syndrome after a botched PP D&C (pursuing med mal)
Hysteroscopy Oct '13, not enough progress 
Hysteroscopy Jan '14, given an end-of-the-road diagnosis
Joined International Asherman's Association April '14 
Not ready to give up yet.
Hysteroscopy with Dr. Isaacson (an expert in the USA) 6.2.14: Good prognosis, at least 50% of cavity open.
Repeat hysteroscopy scheduled with Dr. I on 6.16.14. Great progress. Unbenched!!!!
Discussing actively TTC with DH after the heartache of the last year. We're both reeling.
 
Please, please, please. 
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Re: What's the tipping point?

  • kmc217kmc217 member
    I am not (yet?) a single mom and have never posted on this board but lurk here often. My husband is also a disabled Iraq veteran and I can relate to you in so many ways. PM me if you ever want to chat about what seems like our similar situations. I have been married 10 years, and we have 2 girls together. We are also on the brink...

     

    DD1 7/10/08  DD2 8/11/10  DS 7/2/13

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  • SemperFiPurpleHeartSemperFiPurpleHeart

    My fiance is an OIF USMC vet who suffers from PTSD and a TBI and is 100% disabled due to his injuries including the PTSD. There is help out there! My fiance is divorced because his ex-wife did not give the time or effort to research PTSD (this was before he was diagnosed) or help him get through the toughest times.

    Has your vet been diagnosed with PTSD? Here are some links that you can read and see if you think he may have it. My fiance wrote the State Senator for help and she got him help right away with the VA since he was so bad off.

    https://www.familyofavet.com/ptsd_symptoms.html

    https://www.familyofavet.com/ptsd_in_veterans.html

    https://www.familyofavet.com/PTSD_intimacy.html

     https://www.familyofavet.com/loved_ones.html

    Also, if you are on FB, there is an AMAZING page of veterans that have PTSD and TBI that would give you great feedback on this question! I swear I ask a question almost every week on that page and have helped understand a lot about my vet. I always get about 40 people responding!

    My fiance said that he does not like talking to doctors about his problems, but would much rather talk to a fellow brother in arms to get help. Maybe that would help him out?

    https://www.facebook.com/#!/MilitarywithPTSD

    Also, there is a book called "The War At Home" by Shawn Gourley that is great to read.

    If he is a Marine Corps vet, this is the foundation who changed my fiance's life! https://midwestmarinesfoundation.org/

    Good luck and let me know if you have any questions or want to talk. My fiance is a certified counsler and is in school full time to be a Psychologist. He would love to talk to your DH if he would like. Just let me know!

    cara dot williams at siemens dot com

     

    TTC#2 with my hero, my inspiration, my United States Marine! Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Image and video hosting by TinyPic
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  • FyreFlyeRushFyreFlyeRush member
    imagetifanico:

    You are the only one who knows when enough is enough.

    From an outside perspective this is what I see. He has a condition that he chooses not to get a treatment for even though he knows is affecting his wife and child.  

    Agreed.  

    Report Reply
  • MrsAtchMrsAtch member
    imageSemperFiPurpleHeart:

    My fiance is an OIF USMC vet who suffers from PTSD and a TBI and is 100% disabled due to his injuries including the PTSD. There is help out there! My fiance is divorced because his ex-wife did not give the time or effort to research PTSD (this was before he was diagnosed) or help him get through the toughest times.

    Has your vet been diagnosed with PTSD? Here are some links that you can read and see if you think he may have it. My fiance wrote the State Senator for help and she got him help right away with the VA since he was so bad off.

    https://www.familyofavet.com/ptsd_symptoms.html

    https://www.familyofavet.com/ptsd_in_veterans.html

    https://www.familyofavet.com/PTSD_intimacy.html

     https://www.familyofavet.com/loved_ones.html

    Also, if you are on FB, there is an AMAZING page of veterans that have PTSD and TBI that would give you great feedback on this question! I swear I ask a question almost every week on that page and have helped understand a lot about my vet. I always get about 40 people responding!

    My fiance said that he does not like talking to doctors about his problems, but would much rather talk to a fellow brother in arms to get help. Maybe that would help him out?

    https://www.facebook.com/#!/MilitarywithPTSD

    Also, there is a book called "The War At Home" by Shawn Gourley that is great to read.

    If he is a Marine Corps vet, this is the foundation who changed my fiance's life! https://midwestmarinesfoundation.org/

    Good luck and let me know if you have any questions or want to talk. My fiance is a certified counsler and is in school full time to be a Psychologist. He would love to talk to your DH if he would like. Just let me know!

    cara dot williams at siemens dot com

     

     

    Thank you for your thoughtful post. My background is in psychiatry and I am well versed in PTSD and it's treatment. DH is diagnosed and considered disabled by the military. I've read that book and it was nice to get a different perspective. It's hard because he is really uncomfortable talking about his service at all (he was infantry and has told me about some of his experiences- I understand why he is damaged). He got a little bit better for a while when he was seeing a counselor individually but he stopped going and isn't interested in going back. He said it was too emotionally overwhelming for him to talk about everything. I may email you Cara. I really appreciate you reaching out. 

    After two losses, a rainbow arrived! DD born 11.5.11
    Dx with severe Asherman's syndrome after a botched PP D&C (pursuing med mal)
    Hysteroscopy Oct '13, not enough progress 
    Hysteroscopy Jan '14, given an end-of-the-road diagnosis
    Joined International Asherman's Association April '14 
    Not ready to give up yet.
    Hysteroscopy with Dr. Isaacson (an expert in the USA) 6.2.14: Good prognosis, at least 50% of cavity open.
    Repeat hysteroscopy scheduled with Dr. I on 6.16.14. Great progress. Unbenched!!!!
    Discussing actively TTC with DH after the heartache of the last year. We're both reeling.
     
    Please, please, please. 
    Report Reply
  • SemperFiPurpleHeartSemperFiPurpleHeart
    imageMrsAtch:
    imageSemperFiPurpleHeart:

    My fiance is an OIF USMC vet who suffers from PTSD and a TBI and is 100% disabled due to his injuries including the PTSD. There is help out there! My fiance is divorced because his ex-wife did not give the time or effort to research PTSD (this was before he was diagnosed) or help him get through the toughest times.

    Has your vet been diagnosed with PTSD? Here are some links that you can read and see if you think he may have it. My fiance wrote the State Senator for help and she got him help right away with the VA since he was so bad off.

    https://www.familyofavet.com/ptsd_symptoms.html

    https://www.familyofavet.com/ptsd_in_veterans.html

    https://www.familyofavet.com/PTSD_intimacy.html

     https://www.familyofavet.com/loved_ones.html

    Also, if you are on FB, there is an AMAZING page of veterans that have PTSD and TBI that would give you great feedback on this question! I swear I ask a question almost every week on that page and have helped understand a lot about my vet. I always get about 40 people responding!

    My fiance said that he does not like talking to doctors about his problems, but would much rather talk to a fellow brother in arms to get help. Maybe that would help him out?

    https://www.facebook.com/#!/MilitarywithPTSD

    Also, there is a book called "The War At Home" by Shawn Gourley that is great to read.

    If he is a Marine Corps vet, this is the foundation who changed my fiance's life! https://midwestmarinesfoundation.org/

    Good luck and let me know if you have any questions or want to talk. My fiance is a certified counsler and is in school full time to be a Psychologist. He would love to talk to your DH if he would like. Just let me know!

    cara dot williams at siemens dot com

     

     

    Thank you for your thoughtful post. My background is in psychiatry and I am well versed in PTSD and it's treatment. DH is diagnosed and considered disabled by the military. I've read that book and it was nice to get a different perspective. It's hard because he is really uncomfortable talking about his service at all (he was infantry and has told me about some of his experiences- I understand why he is damaged). He got a little bit better for a while when he was seeing a counselor individually but he stopped going and isn't interested in going back. He said it was too emotionally overwhelming for him to talk about everything. I may email you Cara. I really appreciate you reaching out. 

    Aww no prob :). Good luck!

    TTC#2 with my hero, my inspiration, my United States Marine! Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Image and video hosting by TinyPic
    Report Reply
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