How would Blended Families handle this?

CFjo2010 · July 2012

My daughter (who will be 9 next Wednesday) has made several comments the last 2 years about wanting to add my husband's last name to her last name (much like K's last name). When I've asked her for why she wants to do it, she says because he's more her father than her bio-father. I've already explained to her that "last names don't make a family" several times, but since she got back on Tuesday she's been bringing it up several times a day, and went as far as to tell my ILs at the party yesterday that she wants to change her name.

My husband just called me at work and told me that my daughter wrote his last name as her last name, completely omitting her legal last name from all her back to school things. She had asked this morning if she could write her name in her new folders, backpack, lunchbag, etc., and I saw no problem with it. Had I known she was going to do this I would have told her "no". Now it's done, and I'm not quite sure how to handle it without making her feel like she's not allowed to consider herself "part of the family".

How would you broach this with her? I guess I need to go out and buy all new supplies (which I'm not thrilled about doing), but how do I about explaining to her that what she's doing is wrong, but that her feelings aren't "wrong"?

bebe11 · July 2012

Is she going into 4th grade? I personally think at 9 years old, she is old enough to understand, I would sit her down and explain it to her again. I wonder if she is doing this because she is still upset about how her trip with her bio father went? After I got married, my DD (she was 8 at the time) asked if she could change her name too. I explained the legal aspect of it to her, as well as just because she has a different last name, it doesn't make her any less part of the family and she hasn't asked about it since.

bdbelladonna · July 2012

i'd find out if it is possible to do it. both my kids want to add dh's last name to theirs, xh won't agree to it though. we are planning to contact a lawyer to see what our chances would be at getting a court order to not need his consent. since about two weeks before dh and i got married ds has asked several times a week.

im not really sure how to explain to her though that she can't just use the name she wants. regardless in someway she will probably be upset

CFjo2010 · July 2012

Yup, 4th grade. I think her visit with her father has something to do with it, but like I said she's been asking to do it for nearly 2 years now. I've told her repeatedly that just because her last name is different from mine, my husband's and K's, that doesn't make her any less "family". Heck, I've even reminded her that before I got remarried I didn't have the same last name as her and my son (I never changed my name when I married their father). Is it ok to flat out tell her that in order to change her name her father would need to agree to it? Or will that just cause more resentment? I'm getting a bit worried that once school starts she's going to write her name on papers using my husband's last name and not use her legal name. If XH catches wind of that he'll blame me for sure.

Littlejen22 · July 2012

I would talk to her about it but not make a huge deal, she is very upset from last week. I would either have her add her real last name or send a message to her teacher explaining and making sure she is writing her real name on official papers.

CFjo2010 · July 2012

Littlejen22:
I would talk to her about it but not make a huge deal, she is very upset from last week. I would either have her add her real last name or send a message to her teacher explaining and making sure she is writing her real name on official papers.

Thanks, I think emailing the teacher is a great idea. We won't find out for a few more weeks who her teacher is, but I think I'll definitely email the teacher before school starts and let them know the situation. Hopefully she'll either "grow out" of this, or at least be willing to write her legal name and add my husband's name as to avoid further issues and additional confusion.

wwnbw · July 2012

That is tricky. Part of me says tell her that she would need her father to agree but the other part says it's the wrong thing. I think I would just tell her. I know it may add to the resentment but I don't see their relationshinp changing either way. Sad but true. And I may be wrong but I don't think the school would let her write that name if she tired too.

And to the PP who is going to talk to a lawyer...good luck. My DD's BF has nothing to do with her (has never even met her) and it wasn't even his last name she had but I still had to get him to sign. It also felt like the Judge didn't even want to do it because she read it and then just sat there and finally asked if I had other kids by the new last name and when I said yes she signed it.

emikat · July 2012

I would just be honest with her and explain to her what a legal name is. Tell her that she won't get credit at school if they can't record it with her legal name. Maybe give the school a heads up too, that this is going on so that they can associate it if she continues to do this at school. I remember once I decided I wanted to be called Arctic Wolf and I wrote that down on my homework! The teachers figured it out and credited it to me. But eventually, they asked that we change back (a couple of my friends had other names they were writing down).

I don't know about telling her that she needs her father's permission. It may cause more resentment, and she may end up asking him and if/when he says no that will cause more tension and fights. I would tell her though that when she turns 18 and she still feels that way, she has the right to choose to change it then. Personally, I believe people should have the right to make that choice when they are adults. Names are important.

kali55 · July 2012

I agree with pp about telling her she can do it when she is 18

CFjo2010 · July 2012

surprised2behereagain:
Oops! I clicked on the wrong board but...
My daughter (who is now 21) legally changed her last name in the state of California when she was 12 WITHOUT ANY parental consent (she added my maiden name to her name and kept her dad's name too). When we went to court about it there was an 8 year old boy that was there changing his FIRST name too and he also was allowed without ANY parental consent. FTR his parents (both of them) were against his change and he had gotten a school counselor to help him. The judge told them that it was their choice 8 years before and the boy's choice now (he wanted his own name he did not want to be a junior). To say I/we and the parents were shocked was an understatement.
All my daughter had to do was fill out the paperwork (we did help her by we I mean her father and I) with her as the sole petitioner she wrote a letter as to why she wanted to do it and advertised in the newspaper for 4 or 6 weeks. It was super simple (and a little shocking to us) and easy. When she went in front of the judge he asked her if she was sure and granted it. Got her amended birth certificate in about 2 weeks and changed her SS card.
California is pretty awesome when it comes to things like this. I dont know where you are but you might want to check your state laws if your child really wants to do it even if it means keeping her old name and adding her new one.

Im actually in CA. What county did you have this done in? I know San Bernardino County and Orange County are really cautious about changing a child's name if both parents aren't consenting to it.

MarSamWhitney · July 2012

surprised2behereagain:

Oops! I clicked on the wrong board but...

My daughter (who is now 21) legally changed her last name in the state of California when she was 12 WITHOUT ANY parental consent (she added my maiden name to her name and kept her dad's name too). When we went to court about it there was an 8 year old boy that was there changing his FIRST name too and he also was allowed without ANY parental consent. FTR his parents (both of them) were against his change and he had gotten a school counselor to help him. The judge told them that it was their choice 8 years before and the boy's choice now (he wanted his own name he did not want to be a junior). To say I/we and the parents were shocked was an understatement.

All my daughter had to do was fill out the paperwork (we did help her by we I mean her father and I) with her as the sole petitioner she wrote a letter as to why she wanted to do it and advertised in the newspaper for 4 or 6 weeks. It was super simple (and a little shocking to us) and easy. When she went in front of the judge he asked her if she was sure and granted it. Got her amended birth certificate in about 2 weeks and changed her SS card.

California is pretty awesome when it comes to things like this. I dont know where you are but you might want to check your state laws if your child really wants to do it even if it means keeping her old name and adding her new one.

Holy Cow, I probably would have changed my name to Unicorn at 8 yrs old. LOL

CurlyQ284 · July 2012

I had a friend change his name to his stepdads name when he turned 18 in may, he told stepdad on fathers day. it was sweet! if she has to wait to 18, theres an idea for her.

twister22 · July 2012

wwnbw:
That is tricky. Part of me says tell her that she would need her father to agree but the other part says it's the wrong thing. I think I would just tell her. I know it may add to the resentment but I don't see their relationshinp changing either way. Sad but true. And I may be wrong but I don't think the school would let her write that name if she tired too.

And to the PP who is going to talk to a lawyer...good luck. My DD's BF has nothing to do with her (has never even met her) and it wasn't even his last name she had but I still had to get him to sign. It also felt like the Judge didn't even want to do it because she read it and then just sat there and finally asked if I had other kids by the new last name and when I said yes she signed it.

Idk what the rules are in the schools where you live jobalchak, but I do have a friend whose daughter is 10 and has her BD's last name, but "goes by" her BM's maiden name. On the first day of school she says "I go by Sally Smith, not Sally Jones," and then writes her name as Sally Smith and her friends refer to her as "Sally Smith." I think they even changed it in the yearbook for her! Obviously, her report card, doctor's paper work, and other legal documents have her legal name. Obviously, different scenario, but this is what I can add.

In regards to telling her that BD has to consent for her name to be legally changed, I wouldn't mess with it at this point. It will only make her resent him more. She'll figure it out on her own soon enough anyway.

ETA for misspelling jobalchak's name.

Littlejen22 · July 2012

jobalchak:
Yup, 4th grade. I think her visit with her father has something to do with it, but like I said she's been asking to do it for nearly 2 years now. I've told her repeatedly that just because her last name is different from mine, my husband's and K's, that doesn't make her any less "family". Heck, I've even reminded her that before I got remarried I didn't have the same last name as her and my son (I never changed my name when I married their father). Is it ok to flat out tell her that in order to change her name her father would need to agree to it? Or will that just cause more resentment? I'm getting a bit worried that once school starts she's going to write her name on papers using my husband's last name and not use her legal name. If XH catches wind of that he'll blame me for sure.

I would not tell her that BD needs to agree, he was an a$$ last week but putting this all on him would be wrong, it would also screw with your DDs emotions. In addition to what I said above, I would tell her that when she turns 18 she could legally make that decision if she chooses to and you and DH would support her decision either way at the time. I would not allow her to use it at school bc it is not her name and she does not get to choose at 9 but writing it dreaming I would not freak over bc she is just expressing anger and love all in one.

CFjo2010 · July 2012

Littlejen22:
jobalchak:
Yup, 4th grade. I think her visit with her father has something to do with it, but like I said she's been asking to do it for nearly 2 years now. I've told her repeatedly that just because her last name is different from mine, my husband's and K's, that doesn't make her any less "family". Heck, I've even reminded her that before I got remarried I didn't have the same last name as her and my son (I never changed my name when I married their father). Is it ok to flat out tell her that in order to change her name her father would need to agree to it? Or will that just cause more resentment? I'm getting a bit worried that once school starts she's going to write her name on papers using my husband's last name and not use her legal name. If XH catches wind of that he'll blame me for sure.
I would not tell her that BD needs to agree, he was an a$$ last week but putting this all on him would be wrong, it would also screw with your DDs emotions. In addition to what I said above, I would tell her that when she turns 18 she could legally make that decision if she chooses to and you and DH would support her decision either way at the time. I would not allow her to use it at school bc it is not her name and she does not get to choose at 9 but writing it dreaming I would not freak over bc she is just expressing anger and love all in one.

Thank you. I agree that she shouldn't really have a say at her age, especially since she's so upset still about the visit.

When I got home I told her that while we appreciate her wanting to express her love of our blended family, she's not old enough to make these sort of decisions just yet. We told her when she's 18 can change her name to whatever she wants, but until then she's {insert full name} and that she has people with dozens of last names who love her and care about her, and that's what makes a family. I'm still going to follow your original suggestion and email her teacher before school starts.

Littlejen22 · July 2012

Isn't it amazing now quick the tides can change, before BDs crap he pulled we were all on your case, lol.

GHBEA · July 2012

Here in New York when they are 14 they can change their last name with out the consent of their bio logical father/mother. My co worker did this with her oldest, I think she said it cost about $300 or $400 dollars to do. You fill out paper work go to court with your child and the judge will ask the child why they want to change their last name. This in no was had any effect on child support or the biological parents rights.

Ginlyn0 · July 2012

Our COs state that the children's names shall not be changed this is something that is usually put in the standard order in my state. If my DD did this, I would just explain what her legal name is and have her correct it. However, we have had many discussions regarding last names with DD and she is very comfortable having a different last name than me. She thinks it's funny when her doctor's office accidently calls me by her last name. She's proud of her last name. Her dad hasn't always been the best dad, that is for sure. I once had a protective order from him but I decided long ago that our problems would never interfere with her relationship with him.

I also grew up with an older sister whose name did not match the rest of the family and it was not even her bio-father (whom she never met)'s last name it was my mom's 1st DH's name. My father raised her and she sometimes talked about changing it at 18. However, that is the name she was born with and in the end she felt it was her and she didn't change it until she was married at age 25.

ballmom · July 2012

I went through this many years ago with DS. It started when he was about 6-7, he used my married name as his own for sports and in public but the school would only allow him to use his legal name. We did not push the issue and everyone who knew us knew the situation. His school mates knew he had two last names and knew him by both. His bio-father had been out of the picture since he was 1, my late-DH and I married when he was almost 5. When he was 10, and understood more, my late-DH asked him if he would be ok with him becoming a legal "last name" and explained he wanted to adopt DS. That put everything in motion and within 6 mos his name was legally changed.

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