WTF is wrong with my BF?

stephdhg · July 2012

So my bf, we have known eachother now for 26 years, yes, we are old lol, anyways, shes finally preggers. Due in the beginning of September. To date she has bought nothing. Not a crib or a diaper or a car seat or ANYTHING. Why. Because her husband is superstitious. She can not even empty out the spare room to empty it for a nursery. she lives in a 2 bedroom condo. They have to sell the furniture in that room as well. The grand plan is for the husband to go to one store after the birth to get everything they need. She asked me what she needs. She has done zero research, read zero books. She assumed someone e would give her a list of what to bring to the hospital but she said where does that list come from? She was dumb founded when i explained the car seat should be tested for proper install. And she did not know she could schedule a walk thru at the hospital. Her words, why can't I just show up and push? There was so much more to this conversation. Ok. Vent over

cantalopes24 · July 2012

Babies don't really need much outside of diapers, milk and a couple blankets and a car seat. I've never had a car seat tested after I've put it in. She does seem clueless, but none of those things are must do's before the baby is born. Just harder to do. Is she receiving prenatal care?

DoctorWorm222 · July 2012

Sounds like someone needs to have a "come to Jesus" meeting with her ASAP. I've heard of this superstition before - people think its bad luck to have baby stuff in the house before the birth takes place. My German boss (a scientist!!) suggested that I might be endangering my unborn baby by stockpiling diapers. But I think they got around this by stockpiling their baby supplies in someone else's house. You have to prepare! If this poor woman thinks she's going to be in any shape to shop for supplies after the kid comes, she's going to be very disappointed!

pennysuedog · July 2012

Reality check!

Wow, at least read a book!

DoctorWorm222 · July 2012

cantalopes24:
Babies don't really need much outside of diapers, milk and a couple blankets and a car seat. I've never had a car seat tested after I've put it in. She does seem clueless, but none of those things are must do's before the baby is born. Just harder to do. Is she receiving prenatal care?

I disagree! E needed all kinds of crap as soon as we brought her home - clothes, pacifiers, bottles, a crib, boppy pillow, etc. And I needed a ton of crap too - lanolin, pads, breast pads, etc. It seems foolish to wait.

cantalopes24 · July 2012

DoctorWorm222:

cantalopes24:
Babies don't really need much outside of diapers, milk and a couple blankets and a car seat. I've never had a car seat tested after I've put it in. She does seem clueless, but none of those things are must do's before the baby is born. Just harder to do. Is she receiving prenatal care?

I disagree! E needed all kinds of crap as soon as we brought her home - clothes, pacifiers, bottles, a crib, boppy pillow, etc. And I needed a ton of crap too - lanolin, pads, breast pads, etc. It seems foolish to wait.

And how long would it have taken someone to run to Babies R Us and pick those things up? Also, babies don't NEED cribs or Boppy pillows. Those are conveniences. The hospital gave us pacifiers if we wanted them. Same thing with lanolin, pads and breast pads. Obviously buying these things ahead of time is easier but it's not like the baby is going to be seriously harmed because she didn't have 80 onesies and special wash cloths for them.

ETA: E was 2 months early and was born 2 weeks before my shower and the only thing we had were a couple outfits in big sizes and some toys he couldn't play with for months my mom bought and a crib that was in a box. Everything he had was bought after he was born. His dad went over to the apartment while I was in the hospital and set everything we needed immediately up.

karinothing · July 2012

Is her husband Jewish? I think this is pretty common in the Jewish faith. I think they even make services that will deliver everything to your house when you go into labor. I don't really see anything wrong with it.

UFCasey · July 2012

pennysuedog:
Reality check!
Wow, at least read a book!

Confession: I never read any baby books. Unless you count 'Baby Bargains' for ratings on things. But that was it.

I can't imagine not 'nesting' and decorating a nursery ahead of time. Granted, I went perhaps overboard with the whole nursery decor thing. But I loved it! It was like the one fun thing about being pregnant - planning the nursery. LOL

stephdhg · July 2012

I.understand that it is not necessary to pre shop. But, were you able to get up and about on the way home from the hospital? Or sit in the hospital on the phone researching what seat is best and what fits in your car for example? She is not having a shower, again the superstitions. And they also asked us how much these items cost. My.main concern is how they are supposed to empty and sell the furniture from the guest room to make space for the baby. The condo is about 1000 square feet. I think she said 875. It's also up for sale. And they are first generation Italians. Same as me. I tried to explain to her she's going about things azz backwards. I said at least make a registry now and do the research now. Oh no. I'm just amazed. Utterly amazed. She met her husband and 6 months layer they were engaged. She spent 9 months planning a 30 k wedding last year. She can't spend time on this?

pennysuedog · July 2012

UFCasey:
pennysuedog:
Reality check!
Wow, at least read a book!
Confession: I never read any baby books. Unless you count 'Baby Bargains' for ratings on things. But that was it.

I can't imagine not 'nesting' and decorating a nursery ahead of time. Granted, I went perhaps overboard with the whole nursery decor thing. But I loved it! It was like the one fun thing about being pregnant - planning the nursery. LOL

Okay, but you were on the bump. You will learn more from being on here than most books.

UFCasey · July 2012

pennysuedog:
UFCasey:
pennysuedog:
Reality check!
Wow, at least read a book!
Confession: I never read any baby books. Unless you count 'Baby Bargains' for ratings on things. But that was it.

I can't imagine not 'nesting' and decorating a nursery ahead of time. Granted, I went perhaps overboard with the whole nursery decor thing. But I loved it! It was like the one fun thing about being pregnant - planning the nursery. LOL
Okay, but you were on the bump. You will learn more from being on here than most books.

True!

UFCasey · July 2012

bump burp

cantalopes24 · July 2012

stephdhg:
I.understand that it is not necessary to pre shop. But, were you able to get up and about on the way home from the hospital? Or sit in the hospital on the phone researching what seat is best and what fits in your car for example? She is not having a shower, again the superstitions. And they also asked us how much these items cost. My.main concern is how they are supposed to empty and sell the furniture from the guest room to make space for the baby. The condo is about 1000 square feet. I think she said 875. It's also up for sale. And they are first generation Italians. Same as me. I tried to explain to her she's going about things azz backwards. I said at least make a registry now and do the research now. Oh no. I'm just amazed. Utterly amazed. She met her husband and 6 months layer they were engaged. She spent 9 months planning a 30 k wedding last year. She can't spend time on this?

Neither of my kids slept in their own room for months so I don't see the big deal about selling the furniture. We had no issue getting what we needed and getting it set up. The car seat was picked out by his dad bought the day they discharged the baby. Everything that wasn't an immediate need was bought as we needed it. I didn't take anything to the hospital with me either, people went back to my apartment and brought things I needed to me. I just don't see the big deal.

ebp913 · July 2012

stephdhg:
I.understand that it is not necessary to pre shop. But, were you able to get up and about on the way home from the hospital? Or sit in the hospital on the phone researching what seat is best and what fits in your car for example? She is not having a shower, again the superstitions. And they also asked us how much these items cost. My.main concern is how they are supposed to empty and sell the furniture from the guest room to make space for the baby. The condo is about 1000 square feet. I think she said 875. It's also up for sale. And they are first generation Italians. Same as me. I tried to explain to her she's going about things azz backwards. I said at least make a registry now and do the research now. Oh no. I'm just amazed. Utterly amazed. She met her husband and 6 months layer they were engaged. She spent 9 months planning a 30 k wedding last year. She can't spend time on this?

I think the thing is, it's not about how many books you read or how much stuff you buy. It's about being mentally prepared and having an idea of what life is going to be like. Even if you don't read any books, you are the on the Bump and that provides a ton of information. It is weird that she spent the time and money on a wedding but is just going to wing it with a baby. I can understand your frustration.

It's true that you don't have to have every baby item beforehand but to not even clean out the room before? That seems kinda nuts. Her husband is going to be in for a rough time when they get home and he has to do everything by himself because she is nursing and resting. If you can't convince her then you can just quietly laugh when they get home from the hospital and are really unprepared. Maybe that's mean but I would do it. I'm shameless...

ebp913 · July 2012

cantalopes24:

stephdhg:
I.understand that it is not necessary to pre shop. But, were you able to get up and about on the way home from the hospital? Or sit in the hospital on the phone researching what seat is best and what fits in your car for example? She is not having a shower, again the superstitions. And they also asked us how much these items cost. My.main concern is how they are supposed to empty and sell the furniture from the guest room to make space for the baby. The condo is about 1000 square feet. I think she said 875. It's also up for sale. And they are first generation Italians. Same as me. I tried to explain to her she's going about things azz backwards. I said at least make a registry now and do the research now. Oh no. I'm just amazed. Utterly amazed. She met her husband and 6 months layer they were engaged. She spent 9 months planning a 30 k wedding last year. She can't spend time on this?

Neither of my kids slept in their own room for months so I don't see the big deal about selling the furniture. We had no issue getting what we needed and getting it set up. The car seat was picked out by his dad bought the day they discharged the baby. Everything that wasn't an immediate need was bought as we needed it. I didn't take anything to the hospital with me either, people went back to my apartment and brought things I needed to me. I just don't see the big deal.

Lopes, I think it's pretty awesome that you can be so laidback about everything. My DH would love for me to be more like you but it's simply not in my nature. We have agreed that we will be more reactive in the future rather than proactively buying every last baby thing I think we may need. This is something that I think is hard for a lot of people, especially those of us Type As!

stephdhg · July 2012

ebp913:
stephdhg:
I.understand that it is not necessary to pre shop. But, were you able to get up and about on the way home from the hospital? Or sit in the hospital on the phone researching what seat is best and what fits in your car for example? She is not having a shower, again the superstitions. And they also asked us how much these items cost. My.main concern is how they are supposed to empty and sell the furniture from the guest room to make space for the baby. The condo is about 1000 square feet. I think she said 875. It's also up for sale. And they are first generation Italians. Same as me. I tried to explain to her she's going about things azz backwards. I said at least make a registry now and do the research now. Oh no. I'm just amazed. Utterly amazed. She met her husband and 6 months layer they were engaged. She spent 9 months planning a 30 k wedding last year. She can't spend time on this?

I think the thing is, it's not about how many books you read or how much stuff you buy. It's about being mentally prepared and having an idea of what life is going to be like. Even if you don't read any books, you are the on the Bump and that provides a ton of information. It is weird that she spent the time and money on a wedding but is just going to wing it with a baby. I can understand your frustration.

It's true that you don't have to have every baby item beforehand but to not even clean out the room before? That seems kinda nuts. Her husband is going to be in for a rough time when they get home and he has to do everything by himself because she is nursing and resting. If you can't convince her then you can just quietly laugh when they get home from the hospital and are really unprepared. Maybe that's mean but I would do it. I'm shameless...

Yes. Thank you. And to all the other ladies that mentioned this as well. At least we had each other. Why on earth would anyone just wing it? In this day and age? When there is so much info out there? Oh and she will be alone with the child shortly after she returns from the hospital. Her husband gets a total of 5 days off. At least my husband had 2 weeks. I do commend her on not finding out the sex of the baby. I needed to know lol!

blu-eyedwife · July 2012

cantalopes24:

stephdhg:
I.understand that it is not necessary to pre shop. But, were you able to get up and about on the way home from the hospital? Or sit in the hospital on the phone researching what seat is best and what fits in your car for example? She is not having a shower, again the superstitions. And they also asked us how much these items cost. My.main concern is how they are supposed to empty and sell the furniture from the guest room to make space for the baby. The condo is about 1000 square feet. I think she said 875. It's also up for sale. And they are first generation Italians. Same as me. I tried to explain to her she's going about things azz backwards. I said at least make a registry now and do the research now. Oh no. I'm just amazed. Utterly amazed. She met her husband and 6 months layer they were engaged. She spent 9 months planning a 30 k wedding last year. She can't spend time on this?

Neither of my kids slept in their own room for months so I don't see the big deal about selling the furniture. We had no issue getting what we needed and getting it set up. The car seat was picked out by his dad bought the day they discharged the baby. Everything that wasn't an immediate need was bought as we needed it. I didn't take anything to the hospital with me either, people went back to my apartment and brought things I needed to me. I just don't see the big deal.

Since no one else is doing it, I'll back Lopes up here. None of this seems especially odd to me. But as Kari pointed out, maybe that's the Jewish side of me recognizing that many people don't get anything ahead of time due to superstition.

LBB slept in his crib from the very first night, but I know plenty of people who have coslept in some shape or form (bed/cosleeper, P&P in the bedroom). If I'm not mistaken, there were even women on this board who didn't have their nurseries finished/cribs put together by the time the baby went home.

As for being able to get up and about on the way home from the hospital? Sure. I actually bought my breastpump and a couple of nursing bras the day we brought LBB home. And we had friends, family, and even DH who could have picked stuff up. In fact, I had forgot a coupon for the pump/bras at home and my mom went to our place to get it for me.

As for the carseat, she doesn't have to spend hours researching. Many people don't. A lot of people go to the store, find one they think is pretty, and buy it. It takes what? 15 minutes to install.

She's asking you questions about things, so she's obviously thinking about them and not going in quite as blind as you make it seem. Really, all that baby needs is a boob, a carseat, and something to cover his tuckus. Everything else is gravy.

jonnygurl76 · July 2012

Is she in denial??

I mean, seriously? I think nesting is a way for you to mentally prepare for the changes that are going to happen. I couldn't just wake up one day, go deliver a baby and bring it home with zero preparation.

christiney06 · July 2012

karinothing:
Is her husband Jewish? I think this is pretty common in the Jewish faith. I think they even make services that will deliver everything to your house when you go into labor. I don't really see anything wrong with it.

ditto, they won't have baby showers b/c of it being bad luck before the baby is there. like others have said, she'll survive just fine without all the bells & whistles. some people are just really laid back about this stuff.

cantalopes24 · July 2012

ebp913:
cantalopes24:

stephdhg:
I.understand that it is not necessary to pre shop. But, were you able to get up and about on the way home from the hospital? Or sit in the hospital on the phone researching what seat is best and what fits in your car for example? She is not having a shower, again the superstitions. And they also asked us how much these items cost. My.main concern is how they are supposed to empty and sell the furniture from the guest room to make space for the baby. The condo is about 1000 square feet. I think she said 875. It's also up for sale. And they are first generation Italians. Same as me. I tried to explain to her she's going about things azz backwards. I said at least make a registry now and do the research now. Oh no. I'm just amazed. Utterly amazed. She met her husband and 6 months layer they were engaged. She spent 9 months planning a 30 k wedding last year. She can't spend time on this?

Neither of my kids slept in their own room for months so I don't see the big deal about selling the furniture. We had no issue getting what we needed and getting it set up. The car seat was picked out by his dad bought the day they discharged the baby. Everything that wasn't an immediate need was bought as we needed it. I didn't take anything to the hospital with me either, people went back to my apartment and brought things I needed to me. I just don't see the big deal.

Lopes, I think it's pretty awesome that you can be so laidback about everything. My DH would love for me to be more like you but it's simply not in my nature. We have agreed that we will be more reactive in the future rather than proactively buying every last baby thing I think we may need. This is something that I think is hard for a lot of people, especially those of us Type As!

Yeah, I can totally understand. My mom is mega Type A and I know I drive her crazy. I think you just have to do what works for your family, be it researching and buying early or just going with the flow. If you try to do it differently no one ends up happy.

mrsgabus · July 2012

blu-eyedwife:
cantalopes24:

stephdhg:
I.understand that it is not necessary to pre shop. But, were you able to get up and about on the way home from the hospital? Or sit in the hospital on the phone researching what seat is best and what fits in your car for example? She is not having a shower, again the superstitions. And they also asked us how much these items cost. My.main concern is how they are supposed to empty and sell the furniture from the guest room to make space for the baby. The condo is about 1000 square feet. I think she said 875. It's also up for sale. And they are first generation Italians. Same as me. I tried to explain to her she's going about things azz backwards. I said at least make a registry now and do the research now. Oh no. I'm just amazed. Utterly amazed. She met her husband and 6 months layer they were engaged. She spent 9 months planning a 30 k wedding last year. She can't spend time on this?

Neither of my kids slept in their own room for months so I don't see the big deal about selling the furniture. We had no issue getting what we needed and getting it set up. The car seat was picked out by his dad bought the day they discharged the baby. Everything that wasn't an immediate need was bought as we needed it. I didn't take anything to the hospital with me either, people went back to my apartment and brought things I needed to me. I just don't see the big deal.

Since no one else is doing it, I'll back Lopes up here. None of this seems especially odd to me. But as Kari pointed out, maybe that's the Jewish side of me recognizing that many people don't get anything ahead of time due to superstition.

LBB slept in his crib from the very first night, but I know plenty of people who have coslept in some shape or form (bed/cosleeper, P&P in the bedroom). If I'm not mistaken, there were even women on this board who didn't have their nurseries finished/cribs put together by the time the baby went home.

As for being able to get up and about on the way home from the hospital? Sure. I actually bought my breastpump and a couple of nursing bras the day we brought LBB home. And we had friends, family, and even DH who could have picked stuff up. In fact, I had forgot a coupon for the pump/bras at home and my mom went to our place to get it for me.

As for the carseat, she doesn't have to spend hours researching. Many people don't. A lot of people go to the store, find one they think is pretty, and buy it. It takes what? 15 minutes to install.

She's asking you questions about things, so she's obviously thinking about them and not going in quite as blind as you make it seem. Really, all that baby needs is a boob, a carseat, and something to cover his tuckus. Everything else is gravy.

I shall be the odd ball as well. I didnt really buy much for either of my children. Our first was probably the least because I winged it, I had a crib and a few outfits but everything else was bought on a need basis .

Levi had a crib as well and some clothing that my mom sent him but I went shopping the day we came home. I get That I am fortunate to be able to be up and about after my births but My husband would have done it all by himself if need be.

I don't really see the need in reading books or buying everything you can think of, plus in most cases you are wasting money. If your child hates a pacifier and yet you pre bought 12 kinds? Or you buy the snuggle me blankets but your child hates being wrapped?

DoctorWorm222 · July 2012

Lopes and others, I see your point(s). Babies don't really NEED all that much. But as for me, I'm glad we had most stuff ready for E when she came home. Neither my body nor my brain was in any shape to make important decisions about carseats, etc. I just think its easier to plan ahead.

But if that's not her way, I'm sure she'll manage - even if her poor DH has to run to Target three times a day

Ms.Jade · July 2012

The last thing I wanted to do after the birth is go shopping. And I didn't want to be apart from DH either - I know some people could handle it, but we wanted to be together. Not apart for hours while one person shops. I guess we could have a relative do all of my shopping but you can bet I would have done research on exactly what I wanted. And yes there is no way I was putting my baby in the carseat without an inspection!!!! I'm all about being prepared. OP I share your incredulity.

stephdhg · July 2012

I'm not saying she has to do anything. I'm just in shock. She is 600 miles from family. She will have her husband for 5 days. And like Johnny said, I could never wake up, go deliver and have zero preparation done. It is very out of charecter for her.

Nita2603 · July 2012

DoctorWorm222:
Sounds like someone needs to have a "come to Jesus" meeting with her ASAP. I've heard of this superstition before - people think its bad luck to have baby stuff in the house before the birth takes place. My German boss (a scientist!!) suggested that I might be endangering my unborn baby by stockpiling diapers. But I think they got around this by stockpiling their baby supplies in someone else's house. You have to prepare! If this poor woman thinks she's going to be in any shape to shop for supplies after the kid comes, she's going to be very disappointed!

The thing with your boss made me laugh. My mother was also very worried that I had stuff ready before baby was born. It is a very common superstition in Germany. I just did not buy things before v- day. That kinda fulfilled both sides of me. Plus, we really did not buy a lot before hand....we wanted to wait and see what we would need. Yes, stroller, car seat and all that was there, but we could have done that after he was born as well.

Liz4444 · July 2012

I have a very superstitous Jewish family. I didn't have a shower or a registry (the registry was by choice). I bought things but DH wouldn't let me keep them in the house. He didn't even want to paint or carpet the room before Li came home. Her bassinet was picked up when she was born and her nursery furniture didn't come for a few weeks. This superstition is not odd and some people take it very seriously.

When I was born, my parents went to Saks and the furniture store. They picked out items for a girl and items for a boy. When I was born, my grandmother called the stores and said, it's a girl. Everything was delivered the next day.

All a newborn really needs is food, a place to sleep, diapers and a car seat to get home in. Now, with diapers.com having next day delivery, you don't HAVE to do everything in advance.

I think we on The Bump are an odd breed. Not everyone wants to know or cares to know as much about these things as we do. I guarantee you the majority of people have the show up and push attitude.

DoctorWorm222 · July 2012

I guess one of the biggest advantages of planning (for me) was saving some $$$. People have suggested that you might save money by waiting to see what you actually need before you buy it. But I saved a lot of money by doing 9+ months of research and sale shopping. It sounds like the lady described in the OP has the money to order everything after the baby is born - I'd assume so if she was able to swing a $30,000 wedding. I'm not wealthy, so I couldn't do that.

joolz17 · July 2012

I guess I see two issues: the not buying anything and the not preparing to buy anything.

The superstition and what you really need for the baby etc, I can see Lopes and others' points, but wouldn't you do some prep to determine what brands, or a list, or something beforehand?

Idomoodou2 · July 2012

L was born 6 weeks early. By the time i left the hospital i had a crib (no mattress and not put together) and a size 3-6 sleeper. I ran to babies r us on my way home from the hospital to pick up a pump and a couple of bottles.

When she was released from the hospital 17 days later i had all of the above things, as well as a pack and play and diapers. I had a car seat but had to return it and get another one the day she was released.

The things that she NEEDED i got between the time she was born and the time she came home, and I went shopping the day i was released from the hospital.

ETA: I didn't bring anything to the hospital either. I was in the hospital for 4 days, had one change of clothes (wore hospital gown the rest of the time) and my computer, phone and phone charger. I sent MH home for all but the phone.

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