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Single Parents
ldoo
member
Getting back together?
ldoo
member
Dear God, I'm thinking about it. I can NOT handle being apart from my kids, can't handle this happening to them and don't see how I could be happy in this situation. I miss us as a family, but I don't know if it's because of my fear of what it will do to my girls or if I actually want to be with him.
Anyone go through this?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Getting back together?
Everyone goes through this.
You need to ask yourself, what changed? Has there been any resolution to why you left in the first place? Has there been a new contract established so you both know how this relationship works and what each of your roles are to achieve it? OR are you going back to the devil you know b/c you are afraid of the devil you don't know.
This is the transition period. This is the hardest part. You need to decide if there was any or enough change for the relationship to grow and continue or if it will stay on the same destructive path that led you to separate in the first place. You will need to mourn the death of the dream relationship. You will need to face the reality of the relationship what it actually was compared to the dream relationship and what it will be going forward. The death of the dream relationship, dream family, and dream future is a real death and real grief. You will go through all the stages of grief and based on this post you are either in denial (it wasn't really that bad I was overreacting) or in compromise ( if I can work better be smarter be june cleaver and Carol Brady I can make this work) Either way you are still left with the reality relationship that was really there and what has led you to this point. I'm sorry your dream is dead and it probably has a DNR. It's time to mourn and find a new dream to make a goal and a reality.
Be strong, You can do this. Have a good cry, it's okay but you need to see your reality and what brought you here.
I'm willing to bet good money that nothing has really changed enough to even consider going back. Put a date on a calendar 6 months from now and that's when you can consider if any change on HIS side is worth considering starting a new relationship with him.
This just makes me cry. Part of me knows you're right. The other part of me knows I did NOT try hard enough to allow him to change himself, which he is 100 percent willing to do. If he becomes the most perfect version of himself, which would be very nice, the question remains, "Do I love him? Do I want to by physical with him?" But am I expecting more than I should realistically have in a relationship?
How long are you going to wait and be miserable in "allowning to change himself"
Your relationship with him is with him exactly how he is now, not his potential, not his ideal that is your "dream Husband" Your reality is who he is now as he is now.
Grieve move on and revisit in 6 months and see who he is in 6 months
I've went back and read a lot of your posts and I've pieced together an idea of your H.
He drinks...so much that he wasn't able to wake up and have the children fed and ready to be picked up.
He's controlling and is trying to make you account for every penny you spend on the children to justify paying CS.
He's manipulative and has you still walking on egg shells for fear of upsetting him.
YOU NEED TO GO TO THERAPY AND ALA-NON! NOW!
He doesnt' want to change, he's going to promise you everything just to go back to his prefered nonchanging lifestyle.
If you don't have a finalized parenting agreement you've just agreed to a 60/40 split go back to the drawing board. You need to learn the phrase "This doesn't work for me or the girls"
Go to your lawyer, if you dont' have one go to the domestic relations office or your local bar assoc (the legal one) and find a lawyer that works on a sliding scale, go to a domestic violence womens support group. FIND AN Advocate! Tell them the truth, He drinks to excess with the girls in his custody. Find out what you can do to at least go to the every other weekend route of custody. IF not supervised visitation.
Please, don't go back to this relationship.
Ask yourself, is this relationship good enough for you daughters to have when they get married? Studies prove that a child has formed an ideal for their future mate based on the relationship they have witnessed from the opposite gendered parent by the time they are 4. By the time they are FOUR your husband is what they have formulated in their minds as an IDEAL mate and will search that out when they are older. Disrupting the cycle now and telling your daughters with your ACTIONS this is not acceptable will prevent your DAUGHTERS FROM MARRYING A MAN LIKE THEIR FATHER!
Well only you can make that decesion. But barring abuse or cheating it might be worth another shot?
My therapist told me the other day that there was a study done on a big group of couples. The study asked them whether or not they were happy in the marriage. Then the researchers elminated all of the ones who said they were happy from the group. Five years after the study was done they surveyed the "unhappy" ones. Out of that group some were divorced, but many other indicated they were happy. Point being relationships go through up and downs. Maybe if you stay together and work on it you will end up happy again.
I have to agree with Sweetie. You might be wanting to go back to him because that life is normality to you and the kids and of course you want your kids to be happy with mom and dad together. But its not always the best idea. My kids swear up and down that that was the only time they were really happy, but their father was abusive towards me and 13 yrs was enough. Its been 2 1/2yrs since I got up the guts to leave for good (it took me 5 times and him trying to kill me and him being sentenced to a year in jail) and I STILL think about how he has changed for the better but I know deep down it would be so different to be back with him as we are totally different people now.
If you're even questioning yourself about him and considering the dirt thats been said about him, hes not worth it. You will be at a place where you will feel peaceful with your decision one day, as much as it hurts and you don't feel like you want to deal with it..you will be sooo proud of yourself when you overcome these boundaries. i promise you that!! Don't ever give up on yourself or lower your standards to suit a man, you deserve to be happy. Your children will understand when they get older, just try to keep them involved in things that make them happy like swimming or a sport. They will soon see the reasons "why". Kids are smart and they speak the truth. Just remember its not a competition to win them over and be realistic with them.
Good Luck mama xoxo
Thank you to all of you. I think I'm at the point where I plan to keep our situation as is (we're separated) while he gets his own counseling. And not really for alcohol - he just has issues, as he has told me. And they affect his ability to function normally when he gets stressed. I need counseling too, to figure out WHAT THE HELL I WANT! I truly believe he can change - I've seen it before, and if I hadn't left, he would have probably stayed the same. So I'll give it time to see if I think I can love that person. Even changed, we may just be too different. I always thought we were, I just let the relationship move ever forward instead of admitting it wasn't right. I was scared to start over. I'm OK with starting over now, but hearing my 4yo cry over the phone because she wants me and doesn't want to stay at daddy's house - that weakens me SO much.
The WORST thing you can do is let the relaitonship move forward with recognizing there's anything wrong. Communication is key...I wish I knew that yearrs ago but I know it now and it STILL takes the two people to be on the same page to even communicate in the right way.
Maybe your living arrangement doesn't allow you to have your daughter but you should try to have her with you ultimately. I don't want to say she doesn't need her dad but little girls need their mom as well. Just try your best.