Blended Families
Phantomgirl
member
Is it just me..
Phantomgirl
member
or are some of the 'issues' on this board plain ridiculous lately???
Maybe its me, maybe I'm losing patience and forgetting all I went through to get to here. Who knows but this board sucks lately.
From all the oldies / regulars who's still here?
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Re: Is it just me..
I definitely think I'm old and jaded now. I feel like a lot of the posts now are petty control issues and a LOT of less than involved dads w/ a SM pushing them to be more involved and of course the BM is always the devil incarnate.
Most of my blended issues went away when my ex stopped being involved and I grew up and stopped caring about his party lifestyle and my woe is me attitude. I now can clearly see my Beebee attitude when I started w/ this board...when it was on the Nest and we were called stepparenting.
I think a lot of it is just that those who have been around for awhile don;t post as often. I know it's kind of the same old same old with us anymore. BM does SOMETHING eye roll worthy everytime we see/talk to her. I don't have the time to post that often. lol
I also feel like a lot of the posts have switched to being about "me" rather than about blending. Sure, as SM/BM we have our own issues that we sometimes need to work through and post about for advice. But it seems a lot of anymore is someone is just butt hurt because it's not all about them. (Not all, and I'm not talking about anyone in particular)
I think they're mostly the same. But somewhere along the lines, I've decided that nothing I say is going to make any difference.
There are definitely posts that make me think WTF. But I don't even respond, because it's usually pretty clear that the poster has decided exactly what the problem is (BM), and there are no alternative possibilities.
Between my kids, keeping up with the house, spending time with DH, and writing this bloody book, I don't have the time or the interest to waste time & words.
I lurked here long before I created an account and started posting..I mean like YEARS. I think a lot of the posters (me included) started off with good intentions of "we aren't ALL the wicked step mother" and maybe even tried to "prove" that to the world. That is a mistake.
I can't tell you how many times reading here (mostly from you older posters) changed my perspective on something. I think a lot of posters just don't filter what they post. Meaning they post any and every minor and major thing that happens. I am guilty of that, but hopefully gotten a little better.
I think age of the poster (no offense) also comes into play. I can tell a lot of times the younger posters vs. the more experienced posters that have dealt with Blended families for years.
Anyhow, don't get too fed up and leave, because you are helping some of us out here. My SKs are young so I'm gonna need all the help I can get! I appreciate you!
Yea I guess its a measure of how far we have come. BM never even enters my mind these days.
DH could tell me she was swinging naked from the trees at pickup and it would go in one ear and out the other lol.
And also I don't post about stuff anymore as whatever happens is simply no big deal any more.
One thing I don't like for sure is, in the past there is no way we got away with reeming and blaming BM. We always got our azzes handed to us and were told to look at ourselves and what we could do to help / change the situation.
Now I feel there is a whole 'o poor you' movement on the board.
The problem with that is its gets you nowhere!
Well, many things will pale in comparison to luckyangel's crazy stalker BM, amiright?
I think its a mix of both. Some things are just plain ridiculous, but new SMs will react differently than more experienced SMs. Blended families are difficult and its kind of culture shock when you enter into it.
Yep yep.
I agree. I rarely have much to post except about my nephew (which I am pretty much done with posting about at this point.) Other than that, we have been at this blending family thing for 7 years now and have resolved most major issues. I'm sure there might be somethings that pop up here and there.
I do feel like my advice is often ignored due to the lack of knowledge of the newbies of what all we have been through. However, it took a lot of hard work and getting past craziness to get us where we are today. You can't let every little thing bother you or you will go insane.
I agree that more people need to look at themselves and I try to point that out. But the omg you don't know my life, my BM, my husband blah blah blah. There isn't anything we have not heard/seen before here, and most of us have been there done that. And age definitely plays a huge part in it. I feel like the board has gotten very young lately.
Or everyone else is just getting older
I agree, and am also VERY guilty of it. Still am at times. I come here and will write a post sometimes, then read it over before I hit 'post' and think to myself 'WTF are you complaining about?? Dummy...' then delete. I can picture you guys saying 'and...?' lol. So honestly you guys have given me perspective w out me even posting. In the beginning BM consumed my world. I was jealous, angry, bitter, just really honestly in a bad place about her. I was also 22 years old and owned the world. I'm still young-ish, but the past 3 1/2 yrs on this boar has honestly helped me SO much, and you ladies have been my therapists to GET OVER my issues. I still have some, admittedly... I still get a little green eyed monster but that's mainly bc BM lost a bunch of weight during my 2 yr stint of being fat and pregnant... Lol. I can say that you guys have really brought me through some seriously tough times, and I'm really thankful for all of you and this board. You kicked me in the arse when I was dumb and petty, I've been flamed to high hell and I'll never thank Mary enough for that, bc I was wrong, and I've. LEARNED about what being in a blended family is REALLY about. I think it takes a person willin to change and see perspective to gain something from here (diamonds anyone?). BUT all the wise ladies (YOU!) need to respond and give some swift kicks of common sense. Whn you don't everyone just says 'awwww poor you!!'. The general feel has changed bc you guys are rolling your eyes and not posting. Call ppl on their shizz!! Lol.
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I'm an old semi-lurker. I think I've just learned how to pick my battles and acknowledge that I can't change other people, just my response to them.
BM can drive me crazy with her little lies and illogical thinking, but I have automatically started asking myself if it impacts SD or my family. If not, then why should I care? She's not my friend and I'm not responsible for her, so I let it go. SD is getting to the age where she's figuring out that her mom isn't always telling the truth. I don't comment on it and only correct her if it impacts me, SD, or DH. BM can damage her credibility with her own child all she wants.
This is likely a result of the SP board. A lot of BMs only go there, so it's not as much a mix of SM and BM anymore...
I actually hate that there is a split between the SP and BF boards because I have lurked over there on the SP board and sometimes those ladies need a different perspective as well. I've been both a SP and in a BF and I think both sets can learn from each other.
I agree that age tends to play into all this as well.
Maybe I should go over there. I often joke to myself there should be a BM board because a lot of times I just feel like here we are portrayed as these evil beings. I'm a BM, I have to deal with a BM but I never post about her because she isn't worth my energy. And a lot that is posted here negatively about bm's, even if it is true I just feel like saying, mind your own business and stay out of your bm's life. I get so sick of all the pointless BM bashing and gossiping. But if I try to tell someone they should try to not focus so much on their BM's I get a "oh you must be new here" :pat on the head: I've only been here a few months but I don't need to know someone's whole story to see that they are fixated irrationally on someone.
I can't remember the last time I posted an issue or something that really annoyed me. I pretty much learned a while back that my best approach to the blended family thing was to not insert myself. I let my husband make all the decitions that involve his kids (although I don't always agree) and I let him deal with BM's. The only time I really talk to one of the BM's is if they text or email me first. And in all honesty, I really don't have the time or want to stress about stuff that I ultimately have no control over. I have enough to worry about with my kids and job, i don't need to add stress to that.
My H and I are both 40 years old, and one BM is 41 and the other is 35, so we are all older and that could play a role in it, who knows. I have nothing to be jealous about, with either of them, they both do a decent job raising the kids (again, I don't always agree, but I am not a perfect parent either).
Sounds like the SP board will annoy you as well... Lots of BF bashing.
I agree with you about keeping your nose out of the other parent's business (for the most part). Both co-parents are allowed to exercise their parental rights during their period of possession. Parenting styles will differ, but that doesn't mean that one person is better or worse than the other. It has taken me a while to come to this conclusion, and my life is so much more peaceful because of it.
This. I'm a SM and I'm sick of it.
We have definitely gotten perspective. And a lot of us that we're SM first now have Little kids with DH and that brings a whole new level of perspective (obviously Phantom has not but I always thought you were very level headed especially since your experiences as a SK). It is now frustrating to see people come on here just starting out and thinking they know everything when we know that in 5 years they will likely think differently.
And yes, there a lot I kids having/raising kids now. Um, Krissy...j/k!
I have been on this board for 6 years now. And I can honestly say, it's been the last year or so, where the crazy "bash the BM for every perceived wrong" shtick has started.
I think it's a step-monster backlash. These new SMs want or need to prove their worth as a persthe parent to the world and themselves. But they get lost in THEIR needs.
They lose sight of the fact that NO relationship lives in a vacuum. BM gets in SMs face, but is it becuase she is crazy or becuase SM has overstepped her boundary?
Dont get me wrong, SP have rights and should be able to exercise control of their lives, but disciplining a child for bad behavior or safety's sake is much different than baking/ bringing cookies for the PTA meeting that BM cant go to becuase she has to work and doesn't have the ability to be a SAHM.
A little tact and empathy could go a long way...
I lurk once in a while but I made the jump to the pro boards and font really think to look here very often.
I also got tired of the same questions being asked all the time and all the SM who could never admit that there DH might have been at least part of the reason that his marriage(s) failed.