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kscharmer5 · July 2012

Hello, my name is Kara and I've been reading here for awhile. My son Gavin was born 7 weeks premature in March because I developed severe pre-eclampsia, I was taken by ambulance to a hospital an hour away and he was delivered by stat c-section. When he was 5 days old, we found out he had Miller-Dieker syndrome and would not live. He passed away when he was 12 days old.

I feel like I should be getting better, and on the outside it probably seems I am, but I feel so incredibly broken. It seems that people are forgetting about my baby, and that hurt is so so bad. My friends don't really talk to me about him anymore, and I felt the need to step out of the shadows here so that I can talk about it! Some days I just NEED to talk about it.

I was wondering if therapy is helpful? I have no idea how to find a therapist, and not sure if they can help me. I work in healthcare, so I don't have the questions of 'why' or the not understanding... I just don't know how to fix myself. My husband tells me all the time he just misses his wife and all I can tell him is truthfully, I do too.

I'm not sure if my blog is listed here, but it's nkscharm.blogspot.com if anybody would like to read my Gavin's story, it's still a work in progress. Thank you ahead of time for welcoming me, I definitely need this place.

foxxy1 · July 2012

Hi Kara,

Welcome to the board. Please let me start off by saying how sorry I am for the loss of your sweet Gavin. You're among friends here and you can be yourself; there's no judgment. If you want to talk about Gavin here and share memories, I highly encourage you to do so!

There was a thread recently created by many other Angel Mommies that you should check out:

https://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/66361040.aspx

As far as therapy, I highly recommend it! DH and I went to therapy shortly after our son, Ethan, was born and it helped us tremendously. Don't be afraid if you don't get the right fit with the first therapist. You might find a good therapist the first time or another time.

*HUGS*

jbranden12 · July 2012

Kara, I am so sorry for the loss of your Gavin. My Patricia was also born in March, and people have stopped asking about her and it is very painful. I am not the same person I was before, and I never will be.

I do recommend therapy for you and your husband, it is nice to get help sorting through the feelings. Do you have an EAP program through work that would offer free sessions? Otherwise, I would ask your ob or primary care dr for a rec.

I am sorry you have to join us, but hope you can find some comfort here.

lmielocl1 · July 2012

I am so sorry for your loss! I asked my MFMs office about recommendations for a therapist and they were able to give me a couple of names to call. I have not yet but I have been told it can be very helpful. I keep going back and forth about it as I want to talk about our loss, I am just not sure I am ready to with a therapist!

Many (((hugs))) to you and your husband!!

Leslie

lrichmond86 · July 2012

I hate to welcome you to this board, Kara, but I hope you find comfort here. I'm so sorry for the loss of your son, Gavin. I have been going to therapy for quite some time (even before our loss) and since we lost our son DH has started coming, too. I highly recommend it. If nothing else, it's a place to share your feelings surrounding your loss without that feeling of judgment, the "They could never understand" feeling. T&P to you and your family!

yeliza h · July 2012

I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet Gavin. I recommend theraphy. I didn't see a theraphist with the loss of my daughter, but my most recent loss has brought up a lot of unresolved problems and questions from my last loss. Theraphy can either help or not help...it can't hurt right? ((HUGS))

magdalina.h · July 2012

I'm so sorry for your loss of Gavin. Do your friend's read your blog? If they do, write a blog post about how you crave for people to say his name and how you need to talk about him. If they don't read it, have them start. People have no idea what to do when a baby passes so they either (unintentionally) sound like a$$ by trying to say something to make you feel better or they just ignore it. If they know what you need, I bet they would listen and talk about him. It does feel like everyone has forgotten, but they haven't. You are not alone. Sadly there are many of us in this "club" and we get it. When you feel like you're going crazy, know that it's normal and we've probably done it too.

eroplane · July 2012

I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet Gavin. I haven't done therapy but I told anyone and everyone my babies story and I think that has helped some. Big hugs.

Mrs Nice · July 2012

I am so sorry for your loss of sweet baby Gavin. Please feel free to talk about him at and time. I hope you can find comfort here.

cherrycobbler · July 2012

Kara, I'm so sorry for the loss of your sweet little Gavin. My son was also born 7 wks premature by emergency c/s due to sudden severe HELLP syndrome. We found out on his 6th day that he had Trisomy13.

I didn't do the therapy route. Like you, I know the "why". I have definitely had moments that I thought I could use some help, but in a few days I usually forget about it. I've done therapy before for other reasons that now seem very trivial and although they didn't "fix" me, it was good to talk to someone that is impartial and I could just say whatever I wanted to say-no matter how ridiculous. I would think that your dr should have a good recommendation for you. A lot of people seem to like support groups as well, meeting people in real life that share a common heartache is strangely soothing.

I hope you are able to find some comfort here. We're all here to listen when you want to talk about your son, or anything. Much love and (hugs) to you and your family during this difficult time.

Carolee · July 2012

Hi Kara. I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious son Gavin. I agree with PP - if your friends read your blog, write about how you're feeling. In my experience, people didn't want to talk about Eliott with me because they were afraid it would make me sad. In fact, not talking about him was what made me sad - it was like they were trying to pretend he never existed (not really what they were doing but what it seemed like to me). I did try therapy, but for me it was more helpful to talk to others (in real life or on here) who experienced similar losses. I'm sorry you're joining us, but welcome.

tuscanbride2007 · July 2012

I am so sorry for the loss of your Gavin. I know how you feel about people avoiding the subject. I sometimes wonder if they do not talk about it to avoid hurting my feelings or if they just can't bear to talk about it. It is a very hard journey to not only keep our baby's memories alive but also to heal and help others understand.

I don't have any words of wisdom about therapy because to be honest, this board has been my therapy. Listening and talking to other women that 'get it' has truly helped me.

((HUGS))

roxyttandme · July 2012

I'm just so sorry. I can tell you that the greatest help in my mourning was time and being proactive in finding ways to honor our daughter and find a release from all the emotions. I did therapy, but wasn't able to find a good fit with the therapist. Having the right one is key. I have put a lot of time in fundraising for the March of Dimes in my daughters name, and have found it very therapeutic. We also bought a Japanese Maple and had a very special planter built as a memorial. Things like this have rally helped me. On top of all this, the ladies on tb, saved me from some dark places. We are here to be leaned on. You are in great company. You will never have to explain why you feel a certain way- we all get it.

((((hug)))

kscharmer5 · July 2012

Thank you all for the advice and welcoming, I really appreciate it. My friends do read my blog, so maybe writing about the hard parts more would help. I know it's hard for them to see because a lot of days are fine, it's just some days everything hits me and suddenly everything in my life is a problem. Yesterday I freaked out because my cousin's son was around me, and I've been around him a lot of other times and it's been fine! I appreciate this board, I feel horrible for every single person on it but it is helpful to know I'm not just crazy some days. Thank you all

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