Toddler & Preschooler: Who else spends the whole day refereeing?

GrobansGirl · July 2012

My kids (1 & 3) are 50% of the time the best friends in the world & 50% mortal enemies.

I feel like my entire day is spent sorting out their conflicts, "no, don't take that from her","don't pull her hair", "she was playing with that first!" etc. etc.

If I don't keep constant surveillance, I don't know who did what and end up just telling them both to stop fighting and whining. It's kind of exhausting.

Any sage advice?

schnappycat · July 2012

Yep, sounds like my life right now (only my kids are 2 and 4). It's truly exhausting! And my 4 year old, who used to be slightly more mature and surely knows better about some of these issues, has regressed to her age, so it's also just really frustrating.

No advice, but I am right there!

CD+AL · July 2012

Holy moley! I could have written both of the posts above myself! My kids go from hugging and telling each other that they love one another to literally trying to scratch each other's eyes out in about 30sec and then back again. I'm going crazy. My two are 2yo and 4yo (almost 4.5yo).

kes77 · July 2012

I'm right there with you too! My kids are 2 & 4 and it's 50/50 with the getting along and fighting. I feel like I have to ignore a LOT of the stuff that goes on - some of it just gets a big cry from my 2 year old for 30 seconds and then she's on to the next thing. It's almost as if I'm invisible they play much better than if I'm in their line of vision. My 4 year old is much better at understanding that her little sister can be unreasonable at times (she in that 2 year old difficult stage) but there are also times when my 4 year old regresses to being 2, which doesn't make things any easier. Hang in there!!!

mrsseguin · July 2012

We have a lot of the same issues. Most of the time things are good, but there is a lot of sorting out battles. I don't follow the kids around...they are usually pretty good about sharing. I go see what went on when there's crying involved if they are playing in the bedroom or something. I try and be consistent with disciplining and not focus on the older one thinking they 'did' everything. DD can be just as bad.

Advise...I still fight with my brother. We have never had a good relationship. I hope it gets easier with your kids, but it may go on for a while

jsugrin · July 2012

I don't really have any sage advice but I can tell you it does get better. My boys are now 4.5 and almost 3.5 and once the little one rounded the corner of 3 I noticed things getting much, much better. Don't get me wrong it still happens but I'm finding it's a few times a day instead of all.day.long.

The best thing I've found it to work on this is why X behaved in such way (usually #2 is smashing/stealing your toys because he's feeling left out so can you find a job for him to do/some way to play with you ect) and focusing on how it would feel to you (how would you feel if brother stole your favorite toy, hit you, bit you, poured sand over your head ::sigh::) that usually gets them focused on how crappy they feel when the other is mean to them and unless they are really pissed off about something that at least calms them down. I figure it's also laying a good foundation for stopping and thinking about what motivates people and putting themselves in someone else's shoes when they develop the maturity to do those types of things.

And, sometimes I just let them battle it out and let them know hey these are the consequences of your behavior but you may have awhile until they are a bit more equal to be able to do that.

regenab · July 2012

Sadley I think this will be your life for another couple of years. My girls are twins, so I don't have the difference in age/maturity level to deal with, but mine are still fighting most of the time on most days. They will be 4 next week and this has been going on since they were 18 months old. I am hoping things start to get easier some time this year with all the fighting. They do have periods where they play very nicely together and share with each other and ask each other which toy the other would like to play with. But this is few and far between.

My BFF has two girls that are 28 months apart. They are now 7 and 5 and she said just in the past 3 months things have gotten so much better and they really play well together most of the time, or do their own thing and are not picking on each other constantly. She said when the oldest turned 5 things got a little easier, but the younger was still a 3 year old and she always wanted to be in her older sisters things or pushing her way in her sisters room when she had friends over and it was a constant fight. Now at 7 and 5 they have their own sets of friends that come over from the neighborhood and each girls friends plays well with the other sister.

So I think we have some time to go until their is peace in the house most of the time.

Jen&Len · July 2012

I usually hang back and let them work it out unless it gets violent. Then I'll step in. For the most part, they are pretty good together, but they'll start fighting over the silliest things like a post-it note, for example. I couldn't believe it when they started pushing each other and when I stepped in, it was over one blank post-it note. For what it's worth, DD has a little bit more attitude than DS and I usually have to step in to protect him from her!

June2007 · July 2012

My two girls (just turned 4 and almost 2) are like that on and off though it's getting better as the little one gets closer to two. The past week or so has been amazing with them playing nicely together as my younger one is more verbal and can really engage in games and play with the older one. I'm sure this is just a phase too though and soon they'll find new arguments to get into! FWIW my brother sister and I are all about a year and a half apart and went through phases of love/hate but most were BFFs and still are very close now too!

mavs_girl07 · July 2012

My LO's are 1.5 and 3.5 and we're dealing with the exact same stuff. Half the time they are perfect. So sweet, and loving, and just giggle like crazy together. The other half is full of screaming, fighting, etc. It's not fun and it's usually over something trivial. DS has been a terror lately and has been really bad about hitting, biting, and pulling hair so I intervene when it turns aggressive. But if they're just having trouble sharing or something small, I try to hang back and let them sort it out themselves. I think a lot of it is coming from DS's lack of language. He's only using a handful of words at this point, so it's hard for DD to understand what he wants, and DS gets frustrated really quickly when he's not understood. So sometimes I'll step in and try to translate for her what it is he's wanting. I have found that if I really praise DD and make a huge deal out of her sharing and being a nice big sister, then she just continues to do it even more and we have less problems.

Echowysp · July 2012

Yep, it's the same with my 3.5 and almost 1 1/2 year olds. I'm glad I'm not alone. I've started pausing before rushing in and seeing if they can work it out themselves. Otherwise, I'd be running over constantly.

They are getting along more now that the little one is getting more fun and is almost 2. I hope they start playing better once she is old enough to understand consequences and time outs and such. It's hard when my ds tries to follow the rules and she can control herself a bit more.