When should she call me mom

JonesBaby0624 · July 2012

I am 14 weeks pregnant (due dec 27) and my bf and I will be getting married in October. I have a 6 year old whose father is very involved in his life so he will never see bf as "dad". However, my bf has a daughter (4) who has no relationship with her mother (rights have been terminated) and I will be adopting her after the baby is born and things settle down, i.e. no wedding planning, no house buying. no family combining, no pregnancy, and the baby is not brand new in the picture. So bf wants to introduce the fact that I will be her mom and for her to start calling me mom. She and I get along great and she is very excited about us becoming a family, so I don't expect any problems with it. I just don't know if we should ask her to do that before the adoption. My bf's stance is the earlier we introduce the more comfortable she will be, she will feel more part of our family if she calls me mom just like my son, she needs to have that relationship and connection established with me before the baby arrives, and the adoption is just a piece of paper.

Is it too early for this?

nurrieum · July 2012

I think you should try to very slowly encourage it and gauge her reaction.

blush64 · July 2012

GBabyMom:
I am 14 weeks pregnant (due dec 27) and my bf and I will be getting married in October. I have a 6 year old whose father is very involved in his life so he will never see bf as "dad". However, my bf has a daughter (4) who has no relationship with her mother (rights have been terminated) and I will be adopting her after the baby is born and things settle down, i.e. no wedding planning, no house buying. no family combining, no pregnancy, and the baby is not brand new in the picture. So bf wants to introduce the fact that I will be her mom and for her to start calling me mom. She and I get along great and she is very excited about us becoming a family, so I don't expect any problems with it. I just don't know if we should ask her to do that before the adoption. My bf's stance is the earlier we introduce the more comfortable she will be, she will feel more part of our family if she calls me mom just like my son, she needs to have that relationship and connection established with me before the baby arrives, and the adoption is just a piece of paper.
Is it too early for this?

I don't think she should be told to call you mom. I know you are adopting her but I think it should be more of a natural choice. He can refer to you as mom and other people can refer to you as mom. I think this is something that may just happen but as long as she feels loved and part of everything maybe making sure she starts calling you mom doesn't have to be the main focus.

nurrieum · July 2012

blush64:
GBabyMom:
I am 14 weeks pregnant (due dec 27) and my bf and I will be getting married in October. I have a 6 year old whose father is very involved in his life so he will never see bf as "dad". However, my bf has a daughter (4) who has no relationship with her mother (rights have been terminated) and I will be adopting her after the baby is born and things settle down, i.e. no wedding planning, no house buying. no family combining, no pregnancy, and the baby is not brand new in the picture. So bf wants to introduce the fact that I will be her mom and for her to start calling me mom. She and I get along great and she is very excited about us becoming a family, so I don't expect any problems with it. I just don't know if we should ask her to do that before the adoption. My bf's stance is the earlier we introduce the more comfortable she will be, she will feel more part of our family if she calls me mom just like my son, she needs to have that relationship and connection established with me before the baby arrives, and the adoption is just a piece of paper.
Is it too early for this?
I don't think she should be told to call you mom. I know you are adopting her but I think it should be more of a natural choice. He can refer to you as mom and other people can refer to you as mom. I think this is something that may just happen but as long as she feels loved and part of everything maybe making sure she starts calling you mom doesn't have to be the main focus.

This. By referring to you as her mom she can put it together for herself and it can just naturally develop.

karleegirl · July 2012

I don't think it should even be talked about until you guys are married. I know you and bf are having a baby. But until the long term commitment is there I wouldn't push it.

Littlejen22 · July 2012

When she decides to, she will call you Mom when she feels you are her Mom. I would not even introduce the concept until you are married unless she starts it but it is only her choice.

Holly_1007 · July 2012

how long have you been in her life? does she call you by your first name right now or by a fun nickname?

I have to agree with all PP's, wait until you are married to encourage it. you can have your SO refer to you as mom, and if she picks up on it naturally then don't discourage, but I don't think you need to strictly say "my name is mommy now, you may not call me x anymore"

Tasheystar · July 2012

Before we got married, DS called DH by his first name. Afterwards, we told him that he could now call DH daddy. We've been referring to DH as daddy ever since. It only took him about a week to stop calling him by his first name. DH has also adopted DS, but that took a year from start to finish. DH and I have been married for almost two years, and DS was 3 when we did. As I've mentioned previously, DH is the only father DS has ever known, so it wasn't really an issue in our house.

As for SD... I would never force her to call me mom. She has on occasion, and I told her that it's ok, but that I'm also fine with her calling me by my first name.

MarSamWhitney · July 2012

I agree, just let her decide. Good luck!

J+R · July 2012

My immediate thought is that IF and WHEN she wants to start referring to you as "mom" she will... You can always introduce her as DD, etc. and just let things flow naturally...

Good luck!

scoobyd266 · July 2012

blush64:
GBabyMom:

I am 14 weeks pregnant (due dec 27) and my bf and I will be getting married in October. I have a 6 year old whose father is very involved in his life so he will never see bf as "dad". However, my bf has a daughter (4) who has no relationship with her mother (rights have been terminated) and I will be adopting her after the baby is born and things settle down, i.e. no wedding planning, no house buying. no family combining, no pregnancy, and the baby is not brand new in the picture. So bf wants to introduce the fact that I will be her mom and for her to start calling me mom. She and I get along great and she is very excited about us becoming a family, so I don't expect any problems with it. I just don't know if we should ask her to do that before the adoption. My bf's stance is the earlier we introduce the more comfortable she will be, she will feel more part of our family if she calls me mom just like my son, she needs to have that relationship and connection established with me before the baby arrives, and the adoption is just a piece of paper.

Is it too early for this?

I don't think she should be told to call you mom. I know you are adopting her but I think it should be more of a natural choice. He can refer to you as mom and other people can refer to you as mom. I think this is something that may just happen but as long as she feels loved and part of everything maybe making sure she starts calling you mom doesn't have to be the main focus.

I completely agree with this. My DS calls both his BF and my DH dad. His BF has been in and out of his life since his birth. DS always called my DH by his first name, but the last time his BF disappeared for a year when a little under 5 yo, he just started calling my DH daddy on his own. It is a true testament to the love he feels for my DH and the bond they have formed together. Now that his BF is back and a fixture in his life I know it bothers him, but it also serves as a reminder of the mistake he made by leaving him in the first place.

I think if you give it time she will come to call you mom on her own. Especially when she hears your other children doing it, if that's how she feels it will come naturally to her.

kali55 · July 2012

tifanico:
Let her do it when she feels it.

This! It will happen eventually. Just be patient and let nature run its course

JonesBaby0624 · July 2012

Thanks for a the great advice!!! I really like the suggestions of having BF refer to me as mom and let her start if/when she is ready and to let it come naturally.

This is the first time I have posted on this particular board. They are very snarky on some of the other boards and I was a little afraid but I appreciate your kindness in your comments and suggestions.

Thanks!

doadance · July 2012

blush64:
GBabyMom:
I am 14 weeks pregnant (due dec 27) and my bf and I will be getting married in October. I have a 6 year old whose father is very involved in his life so he will never see bf as "dad". However, my bf has a daughter (4) who has no relationship with her mother (rights have been terminated) and I will be adopting her after the baby is born and things settle down, i.e. no wedding planning, no house buying. no family combining, no pregnancy, and the baby is not brand new in the picture. So bf wants to introduce the fact that I will be her mom and for her to start calling me mom. She and I get along great and she is very excited about us becoming a family, so I don't expect any problems with it. I just don't know if we should ask her to do that before the adoption. My bf's stance is the earlier we introduce the more comfortable she will be, she will feel more part of our family if she calls me mom just like my son, she needs to have that relationship and connection established with me before the baby arrives, and the adoption is just a piece of paper.
Is it too early for this?
I don't think she should be told to call you mom. I know you are adopting her but I think it should be more of a natural choice. He can refer to you as mom and other people can refer to you as mom. I think this is something that may just happen but as long as she feels loved and part of everything maybe making sure she starts calling you mom doesn't have to be the main focus.

This. Just let her know it's perfectly fine with you if she WANTS to call you mom, but it's an earned title with non-bio kids so once she actually sees you as her mother figure and feels comfortable, it will feel more special to you rather than her just calling you mom because you guys told her to.

peacelove&mama · July 2012

When she feels you are her mom, she will call you mom.

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