11 year old boy Help please!!!
I guess I'm here to vent or look for advice because I don't know what else to do... I have an 11 year old boy. Very sweet, does what he is told and besides having a little attitude every now and again, he is a pretty good kid. So my problem with him is that he tries to sneak food, candy, snacks and drinks. He will do it in the morning before I wake up or anytime he can. Today I found out he took 3 KFC biscuits ate them and then hid the box under his bed. He lies about it and then finally comes clean! Is this normal?? I have taken away privelages(WII, Playstation and computer) I tell him... "Its not like I will say no if you are hungry and want a snack." So what do you all think? What else can I do to make him understand that lying is wrong and that I'm not going to care if he wants food..... HELP!!!
Re: 11 year old boy Help please!!!
I would first look at his diet and make sure he is eating healthy for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Make sure the meals are high in protein, not high in sugar, so he's not getting hungry an hour after eating. Clean out all of the candy, cookies and soda. Fill the refrigerator with fresh fruit and veggies. Hummus with mini pita's, cheese sticks, nuts.
Then look at what is going on in his life. Is he eating out of boredom or is he really hungry. Is he maybe going through puberty and needs to eat more during the day. You don't want him learning to turn to food because he is anxious about something or bored. So get the crap food out of the house and substitute it for healthy choices so if he does sneak food then at least you know it's going to be good for him.
DD has an issue with this... We sat down and had a "heart to heart" that first, "I don't mind if she has a snack but it needs to be a "healthy" snack (i.e. anything from the "bottom shelf" in our pantry which are things like granola bars, fruit snacks, etc. or something fruit/veggie from the fridge) before having something less healthy, and above all else, the problem isn't with the snack, it's with leaving food wrappers in places other than the garbage can because it attracts bugs and pests. Always remember that nothing will ever get you into more trouble faster than lying, especially if I have to find out on my own!"..
Since having a few reminders and making HER clean up the "hide away locations" to know the jig is up we haven't had very many problems since.
"What we have here is a failure to communicate"... I think a lot of people totally understand what you're saying, the problem is you're trying to make the solution more difficult on you than it needs to be. It's good old reverse psychology, "I may not agree with it, but you can have the (crap) snack (defusing the polarity response), but I expect you to throw the wrappers in the trash can in the kitchen (desired behavior) because I don't want to deal with ants or other critters/pests (logical can't argue with the reason at any age), and hiding the wrappers means you're trying to lie about having snacks (what the behavior is causing intentional or not), and lying isn't an acceptable behavior in our house! (ultimate end/understanding)".
Secondary to that, if you don't want him eating the candy bars, chips, etc. as others have said, don't have them in your home PERIOD. If your'e going to have them in your home, teach portion control! Teach what a portion of chips IS. Let him know "you can have the chips, just not the whole bag!" That's a more important life lesson when it comes to treats. It's like telling a fat person or diabetic you can't have chocolate cake, the next time they walk past it, they become the human vacuum! If you say "chocolate cake is o.k. in moderation and here is the defninition of moderation", you'll find the consumption level goes down. If I told you that you can't have carrots because they'll make you turn orange, you'll say "yea right" and you'll sneak them if you have to. It's that same level of rebellion that kids have.
I'm late to the party, but I'll still give you my $.02 on this issue.
My sense from reading the whole thread is that you are more concerned about the lying than about the snacking. However, he knows how you feel about the fact that he's choosing KFC biscuits over carrot sticks, but at age 11, he doesn't have the self control to make himself choose the carrot sticks. The sneaking is his 11 y/o way of solving this dilemma. If he sneaks, he gets the biscuits and -- if the sneaking is successful -- doesn't have to deal with your disapproval. If the sneaking isn't successful and he gets caught, he still got to eat the biscuits and only has to put up with a little nagging from you. He can then think of you as a big nag, effectively putting the responsibility for his bad choice onto you. This is not what you want.
You have to accept the fact that an 11 y/o is not going to have as much self control as it takes to avoid eating the biscuits when they're around and he has access to them. Let's face it -- many adults don't even have that level of self control. Clearly there's someone in your house besides your son who likes to eat leftover KFC for a snack. He wasn't the one who drove down to KFC and bought that food.
There are only two ways to deal with this problem:
1. Embrace that he, like everyone else in the family, is going to eat junk food at times. Don't be judgmental about it. Allow him total control over his snack choices. In this scenario, he will still eat junk food at times (probably at about the same rate you do) but the lying/sneaking will stop.
2. Decide that you want him to eat only healthy snacks, but accept the fact that he isn't capable of making these choices for himself. Get rid of all food that you're not okay with him eating. Replace it with stuff that you want him to eat instead. The lying will stop and he will eat only good stuff, but this means that you have to go without junky snacks as well.
We all want our kids to eat right, even if we don't always eat the best food ourselves. When he was a little guy, you might have been able to keep a double standard: feeding him pretzels or yogurt for a snack, but keeping the leftover KFC in the fridge for yourself. But no self-respecting 11 y/o is going to stand for that! If he knows that leftover KFC is okay sometimes, or okay for you but not him, he's going to see how unfair that is. And he's going to solve that "unfairness" by lying to you about what he eats.
This dilemma is what -auntie- means when she says you've "backed him into a corner." You've created a position in which he has to choose between not having what others in the family can have or having those things but being dishonest.
Exactly.. He should have more freedom.
At the age of 11 I would say you have more important things to worry about whether he eats a candy bar or not. You are almost into teenage years and you should be more concerned with teaching him and making sure he isn't running around with the wrong group of kids. Forget about the food situation this should be the least of your concerns.