(Updated: She won't speak to me now...) Mom acting entitled to baby time...

Bluebird2318 · July 2012

Update: Wow, I really cannot believe it has come to this. My mother took so much offense to the fact that DH and I were not ready to adjust our visitation plan one day after hospital discharge that she is refusing to speak with me or be a part of my life. Again, I know my mother and this may very well be a temporary thing brought on by stress and emotion during such a difficult time (she tends to hold grudges and take time to cool off over things), but I can't even comprehend this kind of behavior from a mother to a daughter. My message has apparently been twisted from "we're not ready to change the list until we feel comfortable that it is right for the baby, when everyone involved understands the needs of a preemie" to "you don't want your family in your baby's life," which I apparently "made perfectly clear" the last time we spoke... Which was when I said "I do [want people to be able to see the baby]; I just don't know if she can handle it yet" and was promptly hung up on.

I've since tried to explain to her that the restrictions we had put in place were a temporary thing until we had a chance to sit down and talk with everyone about the baby's needs, at which point we would adjust the visitation plan for certain relatives. Also explained that I assumed that up until that point it would be reasonable for anyone who wanted to see the baby to make plans with me and I'd gladly take them in to visit her any time they wanted. My aunt and grandmother (who up until this point had been pretty adamant about the fact that DH and I are the ones who should be apologizing...) seem to understand that the situation got misinterpreted and taken out of hand, but my mother is still adamant that I had "made my wishes so clear the first time." I spent most of yesterday crying.

I'm just glad that apart from this situation, everything is going so very well. Nurses told me that baby Skye has put on a little bit of weight and is going longer and longer (9 hour stretches) on the cannula instead of CPAP. We were also able to do kangaroo care for the first time last night.

Original Post: Did anyone else here have any issues with relatives or other people not understanding/accepting restrictions on baby visits in NICU? If so, how did you handle it?

DH and I are having an issue with my mother being FAR too pushy and she simply does not seem to understand or want to listen when I try to explain. She seems to have taken serious issue with the fact that DH and I chose to have the NICU nurses not let anyone in to see the baby unless one of us is present. It's not that I don't trust my relatives, but I know that my mom especially would have no sense of restraint when it comes to hovering around the NICU constantly and overstimulating the baby. She doesn't seem to understand the limitations a preemie has at all...

She even made some comment to DH when they were having dinner together that "Oh, if that were my baby I'd be down there all the time reading to her." She just does not seem to get that it is better for the baby to have long periods of uninterrupted rest, not constant attention like you'd give to a newborn. I try to explain that it has nothing to do with me not wanting people to see the baby; I just want to do what's best for her development, but she doesn't listen. She even remarked during a phone call about how I was "leaving her down there (in the NICU) all alone and not letting anybody bond with her." And then she hung up on me.

Ugh. I know my mom, and know that she is a helicopter parent and that some amount of her attempting to interfere is expected. That's just who she is... But her remarks are bordering on cruel and positively overflow with ignorance. She's essentially judging me for not treating my preemie as if she were a full-term newborn. Baby girl is doing so, so well in NICU, not having any problems whatsoever. In my heart I feel relief and comfort knowing that she is thriving so far, but I just can't relax and enjoy it with the way my mom is acting.

I'm sure this experience is hard on my whole family, not just me and DH, but this is out of hand. Anyone else have an issue with something like this?

Missa_g · July 2012

Would one of the doctors or nurses be willing to talk to her when she visits the NICU? I've found that sometimes having a medical professional say it means more than when it comes from us. Otherwise my only advice is to stick to your guns about it and tell her you're not changing your mind. We felt the same way with our boys while in the NICU. I'm glad your girl is doing well!

kck329 · July 2012

BostonKisses2:
I see that your LO is only 4 days old - it's possible that your mother (and other family members) may still be in shock over everything that's happened, and may need some time to process everything and understand what it means to have a preemie. Most people don't understand what it's like until they're thrust into a situation like this, so it's often a learning curve for everyone involved.
That being said, your mother needs to respect your wishes, and you may have to set firm boundaries with her. Would it be helpful to have a nurse or even one of the neos talk to her when she stops by for a visit, and explain about some of the common preemie issues? It might help her realize that your LO is not like a FT newborn, and that preemies face some different challenges (like overstimulation, which you mentioned). You and your H may also have to sit down with your mom and have a discussion with her about how her words and statements are hurting you. It's a stressful time for everyone, and she may not realize how badly her words are stinging unless you say something.
This is a tough thing to deal with. I hope you can come to a resolution and things get better so you don't have to worry about that stressor.

Boston speaks the truth.

Also, learn this phrase "her doctors said ....." and use it often. I find people are a lot less likely to challenge me if I blame things on the doctors. "Sorry mom, its hospital policy for a baby this small" also works. Then tell your nurses to back you up, they will do so every time.

kck329 · July 2012

Another thought--your NICU will have social workers on staff. If you haven't met yours yet, ask the nurses to have one stop by when you are visiting. Then you can ask the social worker to give your mom a "routine" phone call with some advice for extended family.

(Can you tell I'm all about having the experts do the hard part? You have enough going on...focus on your sweet baby and do your best to ignore your mom)

snoangel79 · July 2012

No one was allowed in our NICU to see our kids without me or my husband there. Is there any way that you can state that's their policy, basically blame it one the NICU rules...

Bluebird2318 · July 2012

Thank you for the suggestions ladies. I will definitely look into having a NICU nurse tactfully lay down some guidelines the next time we have a visit.

jcsntms06 · July 2012

I could of written this post. My mother was the same way with my first DD. She would go down to the NICU without us, and overstimulated DD at least twice, but I finally put a stop to that. I actually took her off the grandparents list. She was really pissed off, but she needed to know some boundaries. Plus she would always comment about how my DD was her BABY! No she's not! She's mine damn it!

DH and her never really had a great relationship, so this little show of concern on her part, but him over the edge.

I'm sorry your having to deal with this.

emm57 · July 2012

I agree with PP. I just left the NICU with my son born 8 weeks early. We were there for 4 weeks and many people, especially my in-laws, didn't understand why I wasn't allowing visitors. One of the nurses saw my frustration one day and told me to blame it on the doctors and nurses and they would always back me up. I did and I started making it clear that the NICU means intensive care for babies and even though he looked like he was doing well he still needed more intervention and medical needs than a FT baby. These two things really seemed to help.

snoangel79 · July 2012

Responding now to the updated part:

This is really wrong! To put you under stress at this time when you child is in the NICU is f'n selfish of her... Your baby needs you and your husband right now, not a ton of relatives bringing in hell knows what germs. When she goes was she allowed to "touch" your child or only look through the incubator? I just don't understand your hospital's rules that it's ok for relatives to visit without a parent. At both hospitals my kids were at this was a "no-no" without me or my husband, also it was limited to one visitor in at a time to respect other NICU parents...

Don't be hurt or feel that you are in the wrong... YOUR MOTHER is being inconsiderate of your new family and the time you need with your child right now... If it takes a medical professional to talk to her I would ask them to and also please talk to the social worker they should have available on how to deal with this better. Sorry I wouldn't have it... If my mother was this way I'd tell her to take a flippin hike... My husband's mother is a PITA and she didn't even do this type of sh*T!

Also, like pp said your child is in an ICU not a regular nursery, an ICU is for very small or very sick babies... most people wouldn't be allowed to go into an ICU either. When I was going through cancer tx I wasn't allowed guests hardly either and if I had a visitor they would be scrubbed and gowned... for some reason your mother just doesn't get it...

katie4253 · July 2012

Honestly, put her out of your mind and try not to worry about her right now. She clearly doesn't get it. When H and I were living through the NICU experience we really went into ourselves and our relationship. We didn't let a lot of outsiders in and the ones we did weren't always family. She is being ridiculous and she doesn't deserve to be a part of your life right now. You have enough *** going on with your own kid. You certainly don't need a mother who is acting like a child too.

becketts · July 2012

I'm so glad that your LO is doing well, despite your family's ridiculous behavior. Stick to your guns and continue to prioritize your LO's health above your family's demands. I know it's probably hard for them to understand how preemies need to be treated differently than FT babies, but until they're willing to learn I think you're absolutely right to restrict their contact with LO. Good luck!

KacieLeigh · July 2012

Your mother sounds incredibly immature. I realize that things like this take adjustment for the whole family - but her comments are hurtful and downright mean. She should be supporting you. I can't stand when a mother thinks that becoming a grandmother means she no longer has to act like a MOTHER. Sorry. I'll step off my soapbox.

I would have a nurse or doctor explain things to her next time she's there. They will back you up - they've probably seen this many times! I agree with pp. The NICU is not just a nursery for little bitty babies...it's an intensive care unit. It has to be treated as such! Stick to your guns and try (even though I know it seems impossible) to not worry about her right now. You've got enough on your plate without her acting like a child.

JeepersWife · July 2012

So sorry to hear that your mother, a person I am sure you need support from right now, is acting this way. It seems to me that she is being very selfish and is NOT thinking of your LO best interest right now. Our NICU/PCN required a parent of the child to be present during all visits unless previously requestesd otherwise...

Thankfully, our family was very understanding but there were times where I had to pull the "The NICU nurse/Doctor/Pediatrician said..." to make a point. This was more with regards on how to NOT overstimulate the baby to family who had never known a preemie baby until DS was born. It was a time of learning for all of us- DH and I, and both of our families who are very present in DS' lives.

I havent read all of the other posts and what suggestions have been, but maybe you can give your mom a specific role...maybe she can be the one providing daily updates. I know we posted weight and other accomplishments each evening on FB for friends/family to keep track of. Also, our NICU gave us an info binder put together by the March of Dimes...if you have something like that, give it to her to read!

Good luck! I know how this is a difficult time and I hope that your mother can see that!

Bluebird2318 · July 2012

Thank you so much for all the suggestions and support, ladies. I really wish my NICU did have the stricter policy enforced rather than leaving it up to me. (At mine 'only with parent present' is just one option of three.) My relationship with my mother when I was very young is the biggest reason I knew I wanted to be a mother in the first place; just too many good memories! At this point though it's going to be a huge balancing act. Even if we manage to mend the fence well, DH is still very offended and would rather not have anything to do with my mother. I had no idea it would be this difficult! Again, thank you ladies so much for the input you gave.

ChickensFive · July 2012

Everyone gave good suggestions. i just really want to smack the sh*t out of your mom. What the Frick!

DoingItRight · July 2012

With everything that you have posted I would keep things as is. At my NICU grandparents were able to visit without parents, but could only touch/hold if the parents gave permission. My parents visited several times without us, but never opened the incubator door without one of us giving permission.