Do you write letters to your baby?
Even though our baby isn't here yet I've been thinking about writing him a letter for a long time. Just to tell him what's going on right now, about our meetings with his birthparents and how excited we are for him to get here. I think it would be great to have a journal with letters written to him all through his life that I can give him as a teenager. Since we will have an open adoption I think it may not be as important since his birthparents will be available to him. But then they could still always disappear from his life later on so I feel its important to do as much for him as I can right now. We've also had two meetings with them where I have meant to take pictures but don't feel comfortable asking. Our final meeting before he's born is next week and I really want to make sure to get some pictures this time.
Do you/will you write letters to your child before or after they are placed with you? Did you/will you take any pictures before the child is actually here?
Started TTC January 2007
4 failed IUIs, 2 failed IVFs
2012 - Adopted Child #1
2014- Adopted Child #2
2015 - Fostering Child #3
Check out my infertility turned adoption blog: Discovering Joy In The Storm
Re: Do you write letters to your baby?
Application approved Dec '11
Mar '12: Homestudy interrupted by change in Uganda requirements - where do we go from here?
After searching and searching, back with Uganda but with our homestudy agency's program.
Homestudy complete July 19
USCIS I-600A submitted July 20. Biometrics appointments arrived Aug 17; fingerprinted Aug 21; 171H received Sept 25th. On the wait list Oct 1st: #18. By Jan 25th, we're #13!
Come home, baby A!
Yes! I started a journal around the time DD was born, but I took a lot of notes before that...I wrote down everything that her birthmom and birthfamily told us about their family, medical history, likes/dislikes, etc. When DD was born I started writing in a journal -- things I want to remember, special things or her "firsts", funny things, notes about our visits with her birthfamily, etc. We didn't take any pictures before DD was here, but we didn't really have the chance, I guess. We had met her birthmom/birthgrandma for our very first meeting; I don't even think it occurred to me to ask. Then I saw her birthmom for a doctor appt. and a labor class; it just didn't seem like the time to ask then. She did send us pictures from the moments after DD was born and during that day and the next. They're really special to us since we weren't at the hospital the morning she was born (we were asked to come in the afternoon.)
I say write it all down!
We didn't, but I think it's a great idea. Even if your child has an open adoption, they will still be a lovely memento for him to have. Your presence is important, too.
Ask to take pictures! If they're uncomfortable, they'll tell you. Tell them you don't want to make it awkward, so you can break the ice somewhat. When we first met DD, her BM, and her BGM I came right out and asked if we could take pix. We do it with every meeting now, and it's so nice for DD to have those as she grows up.
I started a journal where I write about our experiences throughout the adoption. Now that we are matched and baby is due in 2 weeks, I write to him. It is something that I will continue to do as he grows up and my hope is to share it with him (give it to him as a gift) when the time is appropriate. He will know about his mother and siblings and I pray that we will always have his family in our lives.
Wish you the best and congrats on your match too.
I take it back! We did take another photo closer to my due date, one with Amom and I. The below is a picture of a picture (I used the photo in my scrapbook I gave to Mckenzie). Wow, this is an old pic.. Est. July 2004.. Makes me smile nonetheless.
So sweet!
What a great gift!
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Heading to China in November 2014 to bring our son home!
It was easy to write to my DD when I was pregnant with her, but I'm finding it so hard to write to this next baby... I made an attempt last night via the blog, but it was making me really sad. It ended up just being a jumble of thoughts and questions.
Maybe it's because I was just reading a book about adoption-related grief, attachment issues, and emotional problems... but I just keep finding myself mourning for my next baby because of all the hurt he/she will experience before I am his/her mom.
Anybody else feel like that sometimes? Or am I being over-dramatic?
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Heading to China in November 2014 to bring our son home!
but I just keep finding myself mourning for my next baby because of all the hurt he/she will experience before I am his/her mom.
Anybody else feel like that sometimes? Or am I being over-dramatic?
I don't mourn for my baby because of hurt before I'm his/her mom. But I read your last blog post and I understand where you are at. Preparing for adoption and waiting for your baby to find you is VERY different than getting to experience a pregnancy and looking forward to your baby. I am trying to be excited, but after 6 months of waiting and being shown many times but not picked it's difficult to keep my spirits up. I wonder what is wrong with us, why BM don't think we'd be good parents, and so forth. Trusting in God's timing can be difficult at times. DH and I are ready for our baby to find us and I'm sure you feel the same way. Hang in there!
The journal idea I find great! I'd have to be careful though, because right now my entries would probably often be sad. I wouldn't want my child to know that I was hurting while waiting for him/her. Not sure that they'd be able to relate.
I mean that it is sometimes difficult to be bubbly and excited about our adoption plan, because it means that somewhere a child is separated from his mother. True, he gains another mother and family, but, even as an infant, he feels (or eventually will feel) the loss of his first mother and family.
It's hard, knowing that a mother will have to make the choice to separate herself from her child, even if it is the "right" thing to do because of her situation... Even though it is the right thing?and it is done in love?that doesn't mean that the child won't have feelings of abandonment and loss. Despite the fact that I am glad that DH, DD, and I will be able to be the family to him that he needs, it makes me sad that it has to be this way... that any child should have to go through the loss of his entire family in the days immediately following his birth.
I feel like I am babbling a little. I should not have read that book. I hope I am not being offensive... Maybe this is just a bad day.
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Heading to China in November 2014 to bring our son home!
No, no offense was implied at all! I was just curious about your feelings behind the comment. I wouldn't assume that every adopted child (DIA) will have those struggles. I think it depends on a lot of factors, like how the adoptive parents portray the birth-parents, contact (and/or the relationship) between the child and their birth family, etc.. I think that you being conscious of these emotions shows your love for your future LO.
I have done (and will do) everything within my power to make sure my DD doesn't have those feelings of loss/abandonment. I know my actions alone will not prevent her from hurting regarding her adoption but I will do everything I can as a birth mom to make sure that she doesn't feel that. However, I do believe she will have some of those feelings towards her birth father. She has not met him, nor do I believe she ever will. He is just an unhealthy individual in all aspects (and I don't know what I was thinking...) I know not all birth parents are the same, but.. you never know, you could end up with a pretty cool one that will approach this as a team effort (preventing the feelings of loss/abandonment, etc - I am not suggesting co-parenting or anything of the like). So now I'm rambling..
Anyway
Sorry for hi-jacking your thread, Jen!
I'm not sure what book your reading but "Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew" made me feel just as depressed. Many adoption books are outdated and depressing. Things have changed a lot since many of those books were written and I think with more open adoptions, there aren't as many issues. Yes, kids will still eventually feel abandoned but with their birthmothers present in their lives, they are able to deal with it and move past it. For a more positive perspective on adoption read "Adopted For Life". It really undid all the negativity I was feeling after reading other adoption books.
I think its okay to mourn for your baby's loss but that doesn't mean that you can't still be happy for him/her. Just like in our lives we can mourn our losses but we still need to move on. When I think about the times I have mourned loss, that is when I have bonded the most with whoever was there for me. So understand that your baby will be feeling loss and use it as an opportunity to comfort and bond with him/her. Being adopted is not a curse that a child can't overcome, like some books may make it seem. Tons of adopted kids grow up healthy and happy. Some books almost made me feel guilty about taking a child from its birthmother but not all children are better off with thier biological parents. You just have to remember that you are there to raise this child because someone else can't, your not responsible for the decisions the birthparents make.
Started TTC January 2007 4 failed IUIs, 2 failed IVFs
2012 - Adopted Child #1
2014- Adopted Child #2
2015 - Fostering Child #3
Check out my infertility turned adoption blog: Discovering Joy In The Storm
Yep, that's the one. It was recommended to me by a friend who was adopted... We got our required reading list from our agency yesterday, so I'll get started on those; hopefully, they'll be a bit more uplifting and inspiring!
Thanks for the replies, all!
Our Adoption Blog & Fundraising Efforts
Heading to China in November 2014 to bring our son home!
ME TOO!!! It made me feel so sad, and I had many of those same feelings when I finished reading it. I was literally sitting in Barnes and Nobel crying while reading it, one afternoon. I kept trying to keep in mind that the author was from a completely closed adoption and was interviewing many other people with closed adoptions.
And I've read Adopted for Life too. Very diff book! I got a few for the family along with In On It, which helps family members understand the intricacies of adoption that you may not have time to sit around and explain.