Are you and your SO on the same page when it comes to discipline??

auburnbride2be · July 2012

My DH and I are having major issues when it comes to a united front on discipline. DH is more of a disciplinarian than I am and we just don't agree on a strategy - i.e. spanking, time outs, etc. etc. It's actually becoming a really big issue in our relationship and I really don't know what to do.

Mrs.RockyM · July 2012

I'd suggest trying to talk it out as much as possible. If you're not going to be a united front, your LO is really going to notice and whatever you try and do won't be as successful as if you were both doing it.

DH and I agree for the most part, although he's constantly telling me I'm way too leniant. DD clearly knows that and seems to take advantage of me a lot more than she does DH. When Mommy does bedtime there's a lot more tears and the whole routine takes 15 minutes longer than when Daddy does it. She knows he won't let her get away with it and I will. I'm working on it.....

mrsseguin · July 2012

For the most part we are on the same page with things. We do vary a bit, but we agreed that if one parent initiates a certain discipline, than the other doesn't go against it at that time. Eg: If DH sends DS for a time out and I didn't feel like it was necessary, DS still goes to time out and we don't say "I don't think he needs that" in front of DS. We support each other at the time and will discuss it later if we disagreed. It works out well for us, it's not perfect, but I think it's important to generally be on the same page. Keep trying to work through situations and see if you can come to an agreement.

JillAly · July 2012

No, we're not and it has been the biggest fights we've had. I don't believe in spanking and dh does. There is no middle ground on it. We haven't figured out everything but dh has seen how spanking ds backfired. It didn't make ds listen or respect him. All it did was make ds run to me hysterically crying and be terrified of dh for days. He did it once in an airport and when I started saying something to dh about it, people started clapping for me - that really embarassed dh. He hasn't done it since then.

But what also helped is that dh sees what I do does work. It's slow and methodical but the whole communicating what you expect in advance, reward for good behavior, etc. works. I do things like if ds is good 10 times in restaurants when we go out, he can pick out a new toy. I do time outs only as a last resort and the threat of it usually stops ds in his tracks.

I think with some men (not trying to say all are like this- but mine definitely is) communication skills need improvement. Because they aren't clear in communicating what they want in behavior, the child doesn't follow it. So, for example, I always tell ds "we are going to the supermarket- what are the rules? 1) no whining 2) no screaming and 3) no running away from mommy. DS knows them now and if he does something in the store, I tell him we are leaving. I've walked out of many stores so ds knows I'm serious. My dh will say - "but he knows the rules so why do I need to say them every time before we go in the store?" Then he gets upset when ds doesn't follow the rules and he starts to lose his temper. (I think that's why he hit ds- he gets frustrated and it's anger- not punishment). I think women are better at saying "here is what I expect" so that the child knows how to behave. Many will disagree about the communication thing - but in talking to my friends- this seems to be a common thing.

Trust me, this is not an easy subject to deal with and while many couples talk about how many kids they want, very few talk about views of punishment in advance! It's a tough conversation - but I would tell engaged couples, very important.

skylooo · July 2012

I am a SAHM and spend all day every day with the kids, so I pretty much set the rules for discipline. If I werent, I would sit down w DH and make a general protocol for discipline that we both can agree on. I would expect DH to respect my feelings if I have strong reservations about some things and I would do the same for him.. I.e. if I didn't believe in spanking, there would be no spanking.

LoCarb · July 2012

For the most part we agree when it comes to disciplining the children, however, I am the one who enforces it-which is an issue. I think H is either too lazy or he's trying to be the 'cool' parent. I'm teaching him....

jw87 · July 2012

Not exactly the same page.

I follow the discipline rules to a "T"... I do the 1,2,3 magic and if I get to "3" DS goes into timeout. No talking in time out and I set a buzzer for three minutes. I also send him straight to timeout (no counting) if the offense warrants it.

I have given DH the basic guidelines for 1,2,3 magic but he just doesn't follow though and is way too emotional when he counts and the words in-between the counting are so not effective. It is painful to watch, LOL. Then when DS doesn't listen to DH and respect him by going to timeout when he finally does follow through, DH gets very upset and says my method doesn't work and once in a blue moon will spank out of frustration, which does absolutely nothing for DS except lose respect for DH... it's quite obvious because he feels justified to hit him back right afterwards.

Watching DH discipline DS is very frustrating for me. I'm not really sure how to get him on the same page when DH has very little patience for the method I use.

I was actually just thinking today I how I want to find a book about getting on the same page when it comes to discipline so it doesn't become a conflict in your marriage.

And I agree with PP about men and communication with LO... I feel like DH is not clear with his warnings or stern enough in his voice when he delivers his warnings. He doesn't quite get being loud and emotional can completely ruin the chance of DS listening to his requests. I also voice my expectations before certain events with DS so we are clear on the behavior I want from him.

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