Freaking out... PG after IVF (UPDATE)
Earlier this week my
husband asked if I was pregnant because I looked very rounded, I
answered "No, I'm just fat... although, is not like there wouldn't be a
reason for me not to be". This since we have been active and I'm not on
birth control. I tested yesterday because of his comment... yes, I'm
rounded, but also
after changing and removing my bra, my breasts felt heavy.I was 200%
sure it will be negative, but no... the line came right up, even before
the control line. I was so in shock that I was thinking it was
definitely a defective test. Just when I was about to throw it out, the
control line showed up, and there... right in my face, I am pregnant.
My DH is taking this better than I am. We made the commitment to have 1 child, because he knows the responsibility and the expense of raising children. I have been crying on/off since last night. It's possible I might be as far along as 4 months. I had a C-section and had sporadic periods so I was not worried about getting PG. Especially when it took us 3 years, 3 IUI's and 1 IVF to conceive our baby.
I don't feel ready, financially I can't afford it. My husband has a better job and he has extra $ (we keep $ separate) but I feel guilty that I'm putting this on him. I feel that I would be cheating my son... having to share us he being so little, potentially we have to move him from his daycare which he and us love so we can afford 2 babies.
I know this is a blessing and I should be happy, I'm just not there yet.
Re: Freaking out... PG after IVF (UPDATE)
We had a surprise 2nd pregnancy too - I was almost 3 months along when I found out. Although we had planned to have at least 2 kids, we did not plan to have them this close together. The 2nd line appeared immediately for me too, and the first words out of my mouth were "oh crap." It can definitely take time to adjust to the news. We, too, weren't really doing anything to prevent - I just hadn't gotten my period back and we do not have sex a whole lot, so I figured the chances were pretty low that I'd get pregnant before getting even one period (apparently not low enough!
).
Although I don't really understand keeping finances separate in a marriage, I know it works for some people. But please do not feel like you are "putting this" on your husband. These are his children too. You both made them, and you are married. You shouldn't feel like you, individually, can't afford it, while he has "extra money" - whether you keep separate accounts or however you pay bills, the money should all be pooled when it comes to kids, I think.
And in terms of cheating your son, if it was cheating him, then ALL children who are not first/only children are cheated all their lives, and that's just not the case. The gift of a sibling is a different gift than 100% of mom's attention, but it's still a benefit to your son, and he will not ever remember any different. Hang in there!
So sorry to hear that you are struggling with this realization.
I'm not sure what exactly you are saying by "putting this on him"... unless he thought you were on BC, it's not you putting something on him, he was equally involved.
I know it's hard to think of this now, but it's most likely that someday, you will not be able to picture your life without this second little bundle. Hang in there.
Thank you ladies...
By "putting this on him" I mean that he will have to bring to the table emotionally cause he wasn't expecting/committed to a 2nd baby at all, and financially for the extra income he will have to provide for this baby as I'm not able to. Before we started the IVF process we came to an "agreement" that we will only have 1 baby... he is a great dad, but I'm sure deep down he is not jumping up and down about this baby. From IVF I still have 6 embryos frozen, that I didn't know if we would use because of what we agreed on.
I know I will get to happy, is just such a shock. I'm still trying to absorb the news and trying to confirm how far along I am. My Dr can't see me until the 9th, so I'm looking for other Dr's.
I agree with all of this.
We also are having an unexpected pregnancy. We weren't using anything other than condoms, but we barely have sex (too tired!). We got pregnant having sex one time that month and it was with a condom! At first I felt very cheated. Very angry. Very depressed. Very alone. Very afraid. I remember crying for days. Now, we are a few months into it, and I am so very excited. I have come to realize that this was not my plan, but clearly destiny. Who else but God could make this happen after one time with a condom? Ha. I hope that you will find peace in your heart. Please know that time will help and this is actually a very good thing for your son, not a burden or something taking away from him. He will have an eternal best friend!
Also, we found out today that LO #2 is also a girl. So excited for two times the tea parties and dolls!
Perhaps finding out the gender will help you visualize your family and have peace. Just think, if you keep this pregnancy, you can be done forever and will have given your child the best gift you can ever give!
I also concieved by surprise after IVF. My DD was 8 months old when we found out. They are 16 months apart.
The finances issue is none of my business but it seems to me your stressed abou it.. You are a FAMILY and you take care of things as a team. The "his money/my money" doesn't work when it comes to children. I am guessing you are keeping money apart to avoid complications, but it will become VERY complicated once your child is in school, doing sports, and has more expenses. I would HIGHLY recommend sitting down with a financial counselor and figuring out a safe and practical way for you to combine your finances in some way. My husband and I have separate accounts for many things (including savings/retirement), but we do not live different lifestyles based on what money each of us brings in. Shoot, right now I am staying home with our children and have ZERO income. Even when we were both working, we did not have spending limits based on our individual incomes - it was based on our combined income.
Yes, this is a blessing. But it is totally normal to be freaked out. When I went through my IVF cycle I thought I would never be on birth control again. Then I had DD, stopped nursing her, and bam. Pregnant. After DS was born I had an IUD put in at my 6 week PP appt. It was something I thought I would NEVER have to do and found it somewhat funny that there I was at the OB office for something to prevent pregnancy. But I am infertile! Right?
Give yourself some time. I'm happy your DH seems to be excited. You guys just need to start communicating about money. You shouldn't be feeling guilty that your DH might have to care for his OWN CHILD. Sheesh.
Married 6/28/03
Kate ~ 7/3/09 *** Connor ~ 11/11/10
4 miscarriages: 2007, 2009, 2013, 2014
*~*~*~*~*
No more TTC for us. We are done, and at peace, as a family of 4.
"Suffering has been stronger than all other teaching, and has taught me to understand what your heart used to be. I have been bent and broken, but – I hope – into a better shape.” — Charles Dickens
We also are unexpectedly expecting baby number 2. We actually went through a long infertility journey and ultimately adopted our wonderful and amazing son. So we were told less than 1% chance of conceiving without medical intervention so we were not using any birth control (why bother, right?) but when DS was 8 months old we found out we were pregnant. You would think we would be excited but I have had a hard time accepting it and hadn't planned on having babies so close together. I also feel like I wanted more one on one time with our son. It has just been recently that I'm starting to get a little more excited and accepting that this was God's plan.
You will get there and in a few years you won't be able to imagine life without both little ones (I'm giving this pep talk to myself too
)
After reading all your comments I feel so much better. I have not cried today, which is a step. My Dr can't get me in until the 9th, but I was able to make an appointment somewhere else on Monday. So I will get a "medical confirmation" next week, last night I tried another urine test and came + just as fast as the first time.
DH and I talked a little more last night, we are both still in shock but we are accepting it and are embracing this gift. Funny thing he said is that he won't "touch" me anymore, I said "Why? I'm already knocked up". We laughed and that lighted up the mood. He doesn't seem to be as freaked out about $ like I am which is good.
Today I was able to have a nice morning playing with my son, and he laughed out loud when I asked him if he was ready to be a big brother... as if he knew. The couple of girl friends that I've told think it may be a girl as they say your face breakout and my face has been like this for a few months now. I will be happy with either one, but having a girl would be amazing.
Thank you all and have a great weekend!!
I too had a surprise pregnancy this time around, but it was after 1 night and I was on BCP. Neither DH or I were super excited at first. I had many of the same feelings, fears, and concerns you do. I read the following poem in the first few weeks after finding out and burst into tears. My DS will be 25 months when this LO is born. I will admit that finding out the sex of this baby has helped me a lot. I am finally feeling connected to him and have fallen head over heels in love with him. I hope this poem helps you like it did me.
I walk along holding your two year old hand, basking in the glow of our magical relationship. Suddenly I feel a kick from within, as if to remind me that our time alone is limited. And I wonder: How could I ever love another child as I love you? Then she is born and I watch you. I watch the pain you feel at having to share me as you've never shared me before. I hear you telling me in ...your own way "Please love only me." And I hear myself telling you in mine "I can't." Knowing, in fact, that I never can again. You cry. I cry with you. I almost see our new baby as an intruder on the precious relationship we once shared. A relationship we can never quite have again. But then, barely noticing, I find myself attached to that new being, and feeling almost guilty. I'm afraid to let you see me enjoying her- as though I am betraying you. But then I notice your resentment change, first to curiosity, then to protectiveness, finally to genuine affection. More days pass, and we are settling into a new routine. The memory of days with just the two of us is fading fast. But something else is replacing those wonderful times we shared, just we two. There are new times -- only now, we are three. I watch the love between you grow, the way you look at each other, touch each other. I watch how she adores you -- as I have for so long. I see how excited you are by each of her new accomplishments. And I begin to realize that I haven't taken something from you, I've given something to you. I notice that I am no longer afraid to share my love openly with both of you. I find that my love for each of you is as different as you are, but equally strong. And my question is finally answered, to my amazement. Yes, I can love another child as much as I love you- - only differently. And although I realize that you may have to share my time, I now know you'll never share my love. There's enough of that for both of you- -you each have your own supply. I love you- - both. And I thank you both for blessing my life. -Author Unknown
I got pregnant with DS2 when DS1 was 4 months old. We used fertility treatments to conceive DS1, I was EBF, AF had not returned, we weren't using BC and we only had sex maybe 3 times since DS1's birth when I got pregnant again. I was shocked and REALLY upset. Like pp, I definitely wanted more children, but I hadn't planned on 2u2 (and we missed 2u1 by 6 weeks!) I wrote about finding out here.
I really struggled through my pregnancy-- I just didn't feel the same connection that I'd felt with DS1 who we'd struggled to have and were SO READY for when he finally came along. I felt so guilty because I worried that DS2 would be able to "sense" my apprehension about him-- silly, I know. There were LOTS of tears.
I felt so guilty for "robbing" DS1 of what was supposed to be "his time"-- but just like pp pointed out, EVERY kid after the first experiences this. Only first children experience that time of undivided attention-- and all subsequent children turn out just fine!
I wrote this blog post one night when I was feeling really emotional. (This was in August before DS2 was born in Nov)
But then DS2 arrived-- I didn't fell that immediate rush of emotion that I felt during DS1's birth, but it all hit me the next day. I love my boys differently, but equally-- something I never could understand until he was actually here. I wrote about that here.
There was a quote that helped remind me that things were going to be ok-- I just needed to accept that life was going to be different than what I had "planned":
And now that this is my life? I wouldn't have it any other way. I'll bet in time, you'll feel the same way. But for now? It's perfectly normal to feel worried, scared, nervous, etc. Give yourself some time to get used to the idea!
Daronsmomm, thank you for the poem. StephB, thank you for the quote. They both express what is to come and how I feel. Everyday that passes I feel better and I know I'm on my way to happy. One thing is, I don't feel pregnant at all. My PG with my son was very easy, but I felt pregnant. Right now, I can't wait until tomorrow so we are confirmed.
Have a great day everyone!!
This isn't going to be popular on here.
You don't have to have another baby if it's going to ruin you financially. You have other options. You might come around (DD2 was a surprise to us, since I was still Bfing, no period, and on the pill) but after some soul-searching, we decided that we could swing another. You don't have to. You have choices. Good luck!
erbear, thank you! I know... but abor/adop are not in my vocabulary. I couldn't continue the rest of my life thinking of what I did. For me is not an option.
I had a Dr's appt this morning. As I suspected I'm not recently PG, I'm 15w 2d. It was crazy, because she checked me vaginally and said I think we will be able to see on a belly sonogram. A circle came in the screen and I though, well that's the uterus... and she said, this is the head. OMG, I said... "that is the whole baby" LO is looking good and had a strong heartbeat.
Now, to my new problem... my husband asked me to terminate the PG. He mentioned this jokingly last week and I said that for me that wasn't an option. When I talked to him and confirmed the PG this morning he sounded ok, he even joked that he told me I wasn't just fat. But then he texted me and said that. I guess the news actually sinked in. He said he doesn't want another baby and he thinks we can't afford it...he is saying that because that would mean he would have to come up with his left over after bills/play money for this baby. I feel like crap because of this, I want his unconditional support and love for this baby... although from the beginning I knew that he wasn't up for baby #2.
I know how most of you feel, but separate finances was a joined decision from the beginning. For me to be able to afford this LO will mean letting some bills (credit cards/loans bills from failed business /IVF loans) unpaid. If it comes to that, I guess that's what I would do. I don't know if this will be it for us as a married couple, I honestly don't know what he would do. All I know is that this baby is happening and I will have it with our without his support.
I'm pregnant with a surprise number 2 and DH freaked out about it, barely talked for a week before I told him that he was bing an idiot. He's still not over it but he's behaving better.
The way your husband is behaving is not ok...the money issue is not good. You are married, if you have debt he has debt, having separate finances makes life harder and harder, especially in cases like yours where the person with less income is covering the child costs. These kids are his, he needs to pay for them too!
I do have a separate account which is where I put the small amount I earn from teaching private music lessons. DH sees this as my fun money and I can spend it as I please. All other money is shared.
At this point I'd consider leaving him.
I Think your husbands behavior is pretty screwed up, You need to tell him you are keeping the baby and he needs to pull up his pants and be a man. I understand that he is scared and it was unplanned but things happen.
I might even suggest some marriage and financially counseling. I dont get the separate money part but it does work for some people I guess.
Wow, I feel like I could have written this exactly. Stef, I am going to check out your blog!
And to the poster.. I am sorry you don't have the support you should have from your husband. It made my stomach turn that the would even "joke" about terminating the pregnancy. Babies/kids DO cost a ton of money over time, but people DO continue to have them. The seperate bank account thing I can't comment on, since it isn't something we have ever done... I do truely hope you get the love and support you need from your husband and any other family you have around. Take care of yourself and that LO!
Married 6/28/03
Kate ~ 7/3/09 *** Connor ~ 11/11/10
4 miscarriages: 2007, 2009, 2013, 2014
*~*~*~*~*
No more TTC for us. We are done, and at peace, as a family of 4.
"Suffering has been stronger than all other teaching, and has taught me to understand what your heart used to be. I have been bent and broken, but – I hope – into a better shape.” — Charles Dickens
Ok, we had the TALK tonight. He confessed that he is most worried about the responsibility of 2 small children at the same time than money. The money issue is a concern because a few months ago he spent a significant amount of money on a non-necessity, that if he would have know about us being PG he wouldn't have spent it.
Of course, we talked about the baby and yes, we will have to make adjustments at home and financially but we made a new commitment to welcome this LO into our lives. He said he was sorry about his request to terminate the PG, he just didn't know how to react when he completely freaked out after we got confirmation today.
Truly, we both need time to get to happy... but after tonight we are getting closer. For me, seeing LO today moving and hearing the heartbeat was such a rush. I will take DH with me to the next sonogram. With our son that actually made him feel more part of the PG process.
Thank you for all you comments, they helped me getting to the point with DH and have the TALK.