unsolicited advice about my natural birth choices

MommyLuvsMe1210 · July 2012

I FINALLY got my boyfriend, Derek, and my mother on board with me having a natural water birth (after watching "The Business of Being Born" documentary), but now all of his family and friends of his family are giving me opinions and advice that I did NOT ask for.

Both of his mothers tell me that I need to go to the hospital and my choice of not doing so is putting their grandson at great risk. They also went on to say that i may die as a result. Uhh, this isn't the dark ages, and I've done plenty research on my midwife and the birthing center where I plan on giving birth. She is well enough equipped to handle the birthing process, given that I am not a high risk.

Also, his old friend's mother also tried "advising" me to reconsider on the grounds that I shouldn't try to be some feminist hero looking for an ego boost. Doctors know what my body needs to do better than I do...

Excuse me, what?

Then there are the people who don't care what it is exactly that I do either way, but they do think I'll need to take the drugs....

I can't just "cut" these people from my life because they are a part of Derek's life, but at the same time I don't ask for this "advice" that is being given. What should one do in this kind of situation?

jennakg · July 2012

Ugh. People like that drive me crazy. If I were you, I'd tell them that they had their babies the way they wanted, and you will have your baby/ies the way that you want. You appreciate their concern, but this is ultimately your and your BFs decision.

I usually just try to ignore people who think I'm crazy. I'm still planning on a hospital birth, but I'm doing HypnoBirthing, and I know lots of people think I'm nuts. But I don't care. And if I were having a home birth, then I'd do a water birth too.

Stand up for yourself, and the decisions that you've made. GL!

NechamaChayim · July 2012

Don't discuss it with them and do not tell anyone else your plans. It is absolutely NONE of their business. If people ask you about your plans say something like "we'll see" or "we've not decided yet". Be vague and change the subject. If they push it, remind them it's not their baby and not their business.

phq2011 · July 2012

I've had a fair amount of fight for my natural birth choices as well. Someone in a previous post that I put about refusing checks reminded me that in my grandmother's era the doctor was the boss. Also my grandma trusts doctors a lot more than I do. I say know your facts and options, make sure you are 100% comfortable with your plan and birth center and try to keep DH on board. That is all that matters.

nurrieum · July 2012

My in laws are like that. I'm actually giving birth in a hospital but I'm doing it naturally, we have a doula, and I'm not having it done "their way". So I've had to listen to a lot of unsolicited advice- scoffing- ridiculous remarks myself. Despite the fact that I don't bring it up in front of them- being pregnant kind of calls attention to it. lol

I feel your pain and your frustration. However when you have your successful natural birth you can feel validated and they will have to eat their words.

anonsouthernbell · July 2012

DBF really needs to be the 1 to address them since it is his family/friends...basically say something like we appreciate your concern but we have researched this and this is the best option for our family & then change the subject as it isnt an option for further debate. I went through the same thing w my family for both of kids' births...ds bc i was having him at a birth center (water birth too) and dd bc I was having her at home (also a water birth). Finally, surround yourself w pos stories (online, books, etc) of natural birth to counter balance all that negativity.

LadyMadrid08 · July 2012

That sucks. I agree with PPs who said to avoid the topic and when it comes up just say "We'll see how thing go." I ended up using that line a lot because I didn't want to fight tooth and nail for my opinion on natural birth, end up not having a med-free birth and then be told "I told you so". I figure it's easier to discuss after the fact rather than trying to convince everyone beforehand.

The only person you truly need on board is your BF and whoever else you want in the L&D room with you.

Good luck! I know it can be discouragin, but remember it's your choice!

aylafsu88 · July 2012

NechamaChayim:
Don't discuss it with them and do not tell anyone else your plans. It is absolutely NONE of their business. If people ask you about your plans say something like "we'll see" or "we've not decided yet". Be vague and change the subject. If they push it, remind them it's not their baby and not their business.

This is exactly what my DH and I do! By not discussing our plans with them it makes it a lot easier to avoid the negative comments and the pressure that family members can put on you. Remember, it is your birth, so you can decide what you feel is best for you and your DH. GL!!

bandwife · July 2012

aylafsu88:
NechamaChayim:
Don't discuss it with them and do not tell anyone else your plans. It is absolutely NONE of their business. If people ask you about your plans say something like "we'll see" or "we've not decided yet". Be vague and change the subject. If they push it, remind them it's not their baby and not their business.

This is exactly what my DH and I do! By not discussing our plans with them it makes it a lot easier to avoid the negative comments and the pressure that family members can put on you. Remember, it is your birth, so you can decide what you feel is best for you and your DH. GL!!

Ditto. This is what we did with our home birth. We didn't decide to go for it until about 30 weeks and then we didn't really tell anyone. When my water broke we called our moms and that's when we told them we were having a home birth. Neither of them were happy about it but they couldn't really rain on our parade at that point.

Don't tell anyone your plans or if you already have tell them point blank you don't want to discuss your choices with them.

Oh, and when you have a great birth experience and are walking around and in good shape a few hours after birth, and your baby is healthy and alert, no one will be telling you their scary stories or arguing that you made a bad choice.

RissKay · July 2012

When I asked people if they suggested a OB at a hospital or MW at a hospital, everyone freaked. They apparently missed the "at the hospital" portion of the MW part. Dorks.

Now, if people try to tell me what to do, I politely smile and say thank you, but that I'm 100% sure of the route we're going to take. If something goes wrong, there is a backup plan in place. They can talk and give negatives all they want, but that doesn't mean I'm doing anything differently. If I tell them what my plans are, I'm subjecting myself to their reaction.

MommyLuvsMe1210 · July 2012

Ha. Thanks for all of this. It just gets really frustrating that people can be so condescending of the choices I'm making. I'm an adult, and I have been able to make my own decisions and choices for quite some time now, thank you. I just get so hurt because they talk to me like I'm being selfish and wanting to put my son at risk just so I would be more comfortable.

But I know that you are all right. Derek, my younger sister, and my mother are going to be the only ones with me during delivery and they all support me so that's all I really need.

HRP22 · July 2012

I wish I could go back in time and not tell anyone. What's done is done.

Now I just tell people that I've done my research and that having an assisted home birth is as safe if not safer than a hospital birth for a low risk mama. I invite them to research it themselves, and assure that I wouldn't do anything to risk my child or my life.

Usually that shuts them up.

Epicurian · July 2012

My wife handles her families concerns about our home birth plan and I handle mine. My mom isn't really thrilled and has lots of reservations, but she knows better than to say anything to my wife about it. If she has concerns she can address them to me. I tell her that she made her choices in birthing and this is our choice and we have done a lot of research before making our choice. That seems to keep her quiet, at least she hasn't said anything to us since.

katiefalls · July 2012

I think our decision to deliver at home in some ways doesn't surprise people at all because I'm sort of known as a tree hugging hippie, but also, people are just so floored that they don't know how to respond. They are like, "ummm, wow. I can't imagine." Then that's it.

stahlop · July 2012

When I told my mother we were considering home birth she told me I would probably end up having one just to spite her. Because it's all about her you know. It's much easier to talk to people about your natural choices after you have had the baby, because it's already happened. The what if's have already happened or not happened.

PansyPants · July 2012

Oh sweetie, I know exactly what that's like. It's awful and everyone has an opinion about birth even if they don't have the "equipment" to do it. It won't stop until you've had the baby, just try not to let it get under your skin and don't forget that you're a woman who does understand her body and you know how to care for your baby even before it's born.

AndromedaEclipse · July 2012

I didn't have people tell me I was going to die or anything, but I had people tell me that I wouldn't be able to go natural and that I'd be begging for drugs. Kind of a "I thought about doing that too until the birth" thing. Post baby, no one has asked if I had drugs or how the baby was born. Until the birth, I would just say they are free to have their own child however they want, and the consequences are yours and no one else's.

Joyfullnoise · July 2012

NechamaChayim:
Don't discuss it with them and do not tell anyone else your plans. It is absolutely NONE of their business. If people ask you about your plans say something like "we'll see" or "we've not decided yet". Be vague and change the subject. If they push it, remind them it's not their baby and not their business.

Agree!

One of my best friends is a surgeon and offered to schedule an elective cc for me. It was a reality check about how many ppl willthink they know what is best for you.

[Deleted User] · July 2012

Why do so many random people know about your birth plan?

Not that you can't tell who you want to tell, but it seems a little personal for your SO's friend's mom to know about it.

ETA: No one needs to be "on board" with your birth plan except your SO.

Hyaline · July 2012

I've found myself just not telling people my birth plans. On one hand, I don't really want them thinking about my hoo-ha anyway...lol. But in all seriousness, many of my friends and family would think I was loony and I had to explain what a midwife does enough times early on that I just stopped mentioning it. Yeah, at this point these people know, but once they've gotten their opinion out, they'll probably move on to something else to critique. I would ride it out with this group with polite rebuttals to their antiquated knowledge and then keep your plans quiet around anyone you don't want to have an argument with.

Fortunately, I have family and friends who are supportive--so seek those people out, even if they're not around in real life but can be found on this board or others It will make you feel more confident to know that you're not crazy (or, if you are...there are others just like you).

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