Can you be a good mom if you don't like kids?
When my husband and I first got married, I was sort of "either way" about kids and told him so. At the time I thought I would eventually really want kids. Now he's itching to have them before either of us gets too much older, and I'm dreading it. I have never really liked children, and at the same time have all the selfish stuff going through my mind that a lot of women get (what if my husband makes me do all the work, what will it do to my body, will I ever be anything but "mom"). My husband is very frustrated by my ambivalence, and though he's still trying to be supportive, I can tell he's got "false advertising" flashing through his brain.
I never meant to deceive him, and sometimes (usually during certain times of the month) I feel like having kids might be ok. I've been told there's never a good time to have kids, and that you will love your kids no matter what, but I don't want to be the mother that considers her family to be a "sound long term investment" that will "pay off in the long run."
Any advice would be welcome. :-
Re: Can you be a good mom if you don't like kids?
while I agree with the previous poster, there's nothing like the love you feel for your own child. I also think that no woman should ever have a kid for someone else. Or should never have a kid due to societal pressure.
I admire women who are strong enough to admit this, because I'm assuming it's quite hard.
It doesn't sound like you are ready to have a baby or become a mother. It is arguably the hardest job on Earth, and even women who only dream of having children have times when they wonder what they go themselves into. Due to this, I would not have a child in your position at this very moment.
If you think there is a part of you that could warm up to the idea. I suggest you start hanging out with the closest Mom's you have around you (family/friends). Start asking them about their experiences and spending time with their babies/children.
good luck!
while I agree with the previous poster, there's nothing like the love you feel for your own child. I also think that no woman should ever have a kid for someone else. Or should never have a kid due to societal pressure.
I admire women who are strong enough to admit this, because I'm assuming it's quite hard.
It doesn't sound like you are ready to have a baby or become a mother. It is arguably the hardest job on Earth, and even women who only dream of having children have times when they wonder what they go themselves into. Due to this, I would not have a child in your position at this very moment.
If you think there is a part of you that could warm up to the idea. I suggest you start hanging out with the closest Moms you have around you (family/friends). Start asking them about their experiences and spending time with their babies/children.
good luck!
I am in the same boat as you are. We have known each other for a while and when I was younger I knew that I wanted to have kids. Now I am not so sure and his alarm clock is going nuts. We have come to a realization that it's not that we don't like kids, it's that we might not like other people's kids.
If you are not sure how involved he can be, do you have a kid that you can borrow for a day? I know it is not the same but still.
Yes, I'm not a fan of other people's kids but adore mine. I SAH with them and love it. I have no qualms about giving up my career temporarily and already dread the days where they go to school full time and I don't get to spend all my time with them.
However, with that being said when we were in the planning stages I definitely wanted children of my own. I had the fears like everyone else of losing my body/being selfless/etc, but the desire to have a child outweighed those fears. If you're not there yet, you're not there. I would tell him to put the issue on the back burner for another year and readdress it then. Your feelings may change with time. If they don't and his desire to have children is still there, then you have a difficult decision to make.
This exactly.
fka +diana+
I think I know how you feel, I used to feel this way myself.
When I was 18, I watched my best friend give birth. I was horrified and disgusted by the process and basically decided then that THAT was not for me. I went through all my 20's child free and happy. I never thought I would want kids.
And then like a cliche', I hit 30 and it was like I was hit by a lightening bolt. I wouldn't claim I like other people's children (I usually don't) but I can't wait to have one of my own. I don't know what changed in me, how I could flip flop so drastically from wanting to be child free (only cats and dogs) to all the sudden wanting a baby so badly.
So... if you don't feel the urge yet don't discount that someday maybe you will. Depending on your age you probably still have plenty of time. I don't have any solid advice... You will figure out what's best for yourself if you just follow your heart
I can understand where you are coming from. I never wanted children, I knew this absolutely. Hubby felt the same. We have been married for a long time, and that never seemed to change. Then I turned 31....and started thinking about it. When I turned 32, I knew that I wanted one. Hubs was very surprised, but he wants one, too. The funny thing is, I still dont really like kids. I definitely wouldnt say that I enjoy being around other people's kids. Sometimes I still get that niggling feeling that maybe I shouldnt have any of my own, but that is happening less and less. I definitely do not have the cliched baby fever. But regardless, hubby and I both know that we are at a place in life where it's time to move into the next chapter, and after a lot of soul searching, we both know that we want to have a baby. Now we are a few months into TTC, and it is still scary, but I think that's natural.
My advice would be to keep an open mind, and talk talk talk to your husband about how things will change and how much more responsiblity both of you will have and how you will split it up. Men sometimes need things to be really spelled out. Then make your decision together. If it's not in your future, then that is fine, but whichever choice you make, you both need to be on the same page. Good luck!