Do you feel your LO's good/bad behavior is a reflection on you?

Mrs.Greg · June 2012

DD1 goes to daycare and each day when I pick her up, I ask how she was that day. I always get a good report - she's been going there since she was about 18 months old and has had only 2 time out since she's been there, one of them being a "group" time out when all of the "big" kids were mishaving together. Anyway, yesterday when I picked her up, one of the other moms was there and she commented to me that the DCP mentioned to her that my DD was so well behaved, much like her own DD. I hear this now and then from my mom and MIL, they are the only ones who watch my kids besides the DCP. I always say thank you, not sure how else to respond to be honest. Well, I was talking to DH about it last night and we aren't even really sure how she became such a good kid. He feels we must have done something right for her to turn out this way. I disagree, I think she is just so easy going and that plays a huge part in her behavior. What do you think?

memali26 · June 2012

I think it's a combination. We seem to have lucked out with our girls, they were easy babies and DD1 is a pretty easy toddler, too. But I have still put plenty of effort into teaching her how to behave appropriately, and I think that plays a part along with her personality. We model and encourage acceptable behaviors and discipline for those that aren't, and I think that along with her just generally being a smart, happy kid have made for a pretty well behaved kid.

superaunt · June 2012

memali26:
I think it's a combination. We seem to have lucked out with our girls, they were easy babies and DD1 is a pretty easy toddler, too. But I have still put plenty of effort into teaching her how to behave appropriately, and I think that plays a part along with her personality. We model and encourage acceptable behaviors and discipline for those that aren't, and I think that along with her just generally being a smart, happy kid have made for a pretty well behaved kid.

totally agree with this.

BeachBum73 · June 2012

I agree with you - I think it's mostly her personality. My daughter is really well behaved, somewhat shy in social situations and I often get comments about what a great job I'm doing. I've always taken it with a grain of salt because I think our kids are born with a personality that has nothing to do with how we raised them. I'm big on manners but she's always been this way - well before I started "teaching" manners.

Case in point, my son is a complete 180 from my daughter. Throws tantrums when he doesn't get his way, throws toys, hits, etc. I would hate that someone would look at him and his personality that I had absolutely nothing to do with and think that I'm a bad parent because of the way he acts when he's not rested, hungry or in a situation that he's not comfortable with.

brewcitybride · June 2012

Honestly, no, not really. I have a friend who's first child is a dream child - she never had the terrible two's, she listens, she is quiet and sweet and gentle. But, does that mean she will always be perfect? Of course not. She just has a more flexible personality right now.

Then there is her second child. A wild child, throw toys, won't listen, screams and cries, has terrible tantrums. Its' just a completely different personality!

And that's my case, too - my first child is very strong willed (not bad, but people do judge it that way sometimes) and my second child is very compliant.

brewcitybride · June 2012

I mean, honestly, no, I don't think you had much to do with it:)

jamdv3 · June 2012

I mean for the most part, no. Especially when I'm not there. My daughter is a very "spirited" child, as they say, and extremely emotional. I didn't teach her that. That's just how she is.

But, just today at the grocery store, I got complimented on how "good of a job" she was doing by an older woman. I feel like she was doing a good job because a) i let her pick and ride in those huge obnoxious carts that are cars the kids can ride in with steering wheels b) I brought snacks for her to eat c) I brought a book for her to look at etc etc. We went at a time that I knew she wouldn't be too tired and just planned accordingly. I really don't think she acted this way because" I've raised her to be that good."

I'm not saying she did so well because I'm such an amazing parent; simply that in public I really try to plan ahead and make sure we're going at the optimal time and under optimal circumstances. Because we haven't before, and it's been hell, and I would've looked like a terrible parent who never "disciplines" their child.

It sounds like that other parent definitely took credit for their kid. But kids come in all shapes and sizes, and it makes me kinda hope that this parent has another kid who is far more "spirited" so that their ego doesn't get too big. ... .

LoveEeyore · June 2012

A little from column A, a little from B... When they're good, absolutely. When they're bad- no way. Just kidding.

Temperment- no, but behavior, sure. Gender, maturity, language skills, and health all play a role, too. My kids are saints when we are out and about. Always have been, and there is a certain pride in walking around with 3 toddlers/preschoolers having fun, being calm and polite. At home I let them have a little more breathing room and they are a bit wilder. When we are out expectations are higher, and they know don't give warnings when we're out. At home there's nothing to "lose," you know?

Smores730 · June 2012

I think we have a little to do with it, but personality is the main factor.

celiabwatson · June 2012

I think that the fact that I'm able to keep a pretty high energy, stubborn, independent child even remotely under control in public is a reflection on me

Really I think a lot of it is personality and more specifically personalities that fit what society expects at this time in history. If my son had been born into a hunter/gatherer community he'd have been a great kid and been hunting/climbing trees/chasing rabbits with the best of them. Unfortunately when he chases squirrels at the playground and climbs over fences it's not thought of as great by passers by. I'm doing my best to mold his skills/personality to fit a little more closely into modern society but I'm not always successful.

I take responsibility for my son's behavior but not blame.

saturdaynightdoubletree · June 2012

Definitely a combination. My kids are pretty laid back, but they also know what is and isn't acceptable in different situations -- that is something I have given them.

For instance, there are kids at the playground who throw rocks and kick dirt at other kids because their parents are paying no attention to them. My kids wouldn't do that because I am watching them and they would get in trouble. This is where I feel like it is something I did vs. them just being good kids.

DC used to tell me I was a good mom because DD used to go around telling everyone she was beautiful and she'd give DS kisses constantly and tell him how much she loves him. I took it as her just being full of herself, but the girls said it was sweet to see because I gave the kids that... some other kids just never hear those things. You may think you just got lucky with "good kids," but they are a product of you and your family... they see and hear everything and that helps form who they are and who they will become.

brewcitybride · June 2012

Obviously, parenting factors into behavior a lot. I guess I was more saying no, you can't control your child's personality. But yes, you do have to parent children with certain personalities differently than you would another child.

kcisthebombdotcom · June 2012

With infants-preschool I think it's 80% temperament/20% parenting. I think that shifts as kids get older.

My first born is also a dream child-he rarely tantrums, is patient, sweet, and easygoing. I've read a lot of stuff that first borns are generally by nature drawn to following the rules and acting responsibly. My second one is still fairly young but I can tell she's going to be harder to manage at this time next year than my oldest is. I do think birth order plays a role as well in temperament.

mrsmklynch · July 2012

For me, yes and no. When it comes to using their manners and not being completely obnoxious, yes, I take credit for that. However, my children have both been difficult in totally different ways, even though we have parented them both the same way. So IMO, much of their behavior is just who they are rather than a result of my efforts to parent them. DD is a drama queen and a tantrum thrower whose favorite word is "no". DS is a sweet, super polite kid but has absolutely no impulse control, so he's in trouble all the time at school for making bad decisions. We do our best to correct those behaviors, but it isn't our goal to change their personalities. We focus on manners and respect and figure the rest will work itself out as they mature. Also, when DD is having a particularly hateful day, I remind myself that these same qualities that make her a difficult toddler will serve her well in adulthood. Smile