What happened to my K?

CFjo2010 · June 2012

After finally getting some word from my son, I took time today for ME. I went and had a manicure and brought K with me so she could get her toes done. While we were there, a woman started chatting with us and asking K about school and stuff. During our chat-fest, K suddenly chimes in with, "my stepbrother and stepsister come home soon.". K has NEVER referred to them as step siblings. Ever. In fact, she was quick to correct BM when she called them her step siblings and said, "no, they're my brother and sister.". So to hear her suddenly call them her stepbrother and stepsister shocked me. Then she said she's getting a half brother or half sister in December. What?! Since when does she refer to the baby as her half sibling?!

I'm not going to lie, her statements stung and hurt like hell. I told my husband and asked him to talk with K. I know they are in fact step siblings, but her sudden use of the term is bothering me. It probably shouldn't, but it feels like she's separating herself from the blended family. Maybe the stress from the issues I've been dealing with in regards to my XH is a major factor. But man, what happened to my sweet K who used to say, "step means not real" and was excited to be a big sister?

Kaeldrasmommy · June 2012

Is it possible that she was just trying to give a more accurate explanation because she was talking to a stranger instead of someone who already knows the situation?

Littlejen22 · June 2012

jobalchak:
After finally getting some word from my son, I took time today for ME. I went and had a manicure and brought K with me so she could get her toes done. While we were there, a woman started chatting with us and asking K about school and stuff. During our chat-fest, K suddenly chimes in with, "my stepbrother and stepsister come home soon.". K has NEVER referred to them as step siblings. Ever. In fact, she was quick to correct BM when she called them her step siblings and said, "no, they're my brother and sister.". So to hear her suddenly call them her stepbrother and stepsister shocked me. Then she said she's getting a half brother or half sister in December. What?! Since when does she refer to the baby as her half sibling?!
I'm not going to lie, her statements stung and hurt like hell. I told my husband and asked him to talk with K. I know they are in fact step siblings, but her sudden use of the term is bothering me. It probably shouldn't, but it feels like she's separating herself from the blended family. Maybe the stress from the issues I've been dealing with in regards to my XH is a major factor. But man, what happened to my sweet K who used to say, "step means not real" and was excited to be a big sister?

You are PG, do not know where your kids are and are beyond stressed. Try not to assume the worst, she likely is just clarifying why they are gone and she is not. How old is she? I would definitely have DH talk to her to make sure she does not feel left out and that it is not about worries about where they are.

CFjo2010 · June 2012

Kaeldrasmommy:
Is it possible that she was just trying to give a more accurate explanation because she was talking to a stranger instead of someone who already knows the situation?

I don't know, maybe. She's only 6, so I don't think she really considers stuff like that. Plus she's had no problem telling her teacher and other random people about her brother and sister. I just hope it doesn't continue. Especially the "half brother or half sister" comments.

MarSamWhitney · June 2012

My SS has done this before and actually goes back and forth referring to LO as his Half Sister. Sometimes I think he is just trying to be accurate about it. I still hate hearing it.

Ooglybear · June 2012

I wouldn't assume that she's saying it to be hurtful or because her feelings have changed. My skids sometimes call DD "step" (even though she's actually half), but I just gently remind them that we don't use that label in our house. It creates unnecessary distance between siblings, and its really nobody's business but ours.

nurrieum · June 2012

jobalchak:
Kaeldrasmommy:
Is it possible that she was just trying to give a more accurate explanation because she was talking to a stranger instead of someone who already knows the situation?
I don't know, maybe. She's only 6, so I don't think she really considers stuff like that. Plus she's had no problem telling her teacher and other random people about her brother and sister. I just hope it doesn't continue. Especially the "half brother or half sister" comments.

You've had so much going on.

When I was that age I would talk about my "half siblings" all the time and I would switch from referring to them as "half" siblings and just "my brothers and sisters". I had a unique situation in that most people assumed I was an only child because my siblings lived primarily with their mothers. In my head I loved them just as much but sometimes I made other distinctions as I learned more about what they meant.

Being six she may have just been noting the difference but with pride. Talking to her about it is a great idea and explaining that even though they may be "steps and halfs" you are one family and they are her brothers and sisters and then through talking about it you can learn why she made the distinction. It also may just be a phase.

CFjo2010 · June 2012

nurrieum:
jobalchak:
Kaeldrasmommy:
Is it possible that she was just trying to give a more accurate explanation because she was talking to a stranger instead of someone who already knows the situation?
I don't know, maybe. She's only 6, so I don't think she really considers stuff like that. Plus she's had no problem telling her teacher and other random people about her brother and sister. I just hope it doesn't continue. Especially the "half brother or half sister" comments.
You've had so much going on.
When I was that age I would talk about my "half siblings" all the time and I would switch from referring to them as "half" siblings and just "my brothers and sisters". I had a unique situation in that most people assumed I was an only child because my siblings lived primarily with their mothers. In my head I loved them just as much but sometimes I made other distinctions as I learned more about what they meant.
Being six she may have just been noting the difference but with pride. Talking to her about it is a great idea and explaining that even though they may be "steps and halfs" you are one family and they are her brothers and sisters and then through talking about it you can learn why she made the distinction. It also may just be a phase.

My husband thinks it's not do much a phase, but more influence from BM. She's been telling K since Day 1 that the kids and I aren't her "real family" and that my sisters aren't her "real" aunts and my parents aren't her "real" grandparents. K has been really good about ignoring these comments, but BM has been extra forceful in her statements about the baby.

I know all we can do at our home is reaffirm to K that we love her and that we're all family. It just sucks when the snippets of BM's rage and bitterness interferes with our efforts.

Kaeldrasmommy · June 2012

jobalchak:
nurrieum:
jobalchak:
Kaeldrasmommy:
Is it possible that she was just trying to give a more accurate explanation because she was talking to a stranger instead of someone who already knows the situation?
I don't know, maybe. She's only 6, so I don't think she really considers stuff like that. Plus she's had no problem telling her teacher and other random people about her brother and sister. I just hope it doesn't continue. Especially the "half brother or half sister" comments.
You've had so much going on.
When I was that age I would talk about my "half siblings" all the time and I would switch from referring to them as "half" siblings and just "my brothers and sisters". I had a unique situation in that most people assumed I was an only child because my siblings lived primarily with their mothers. In my head I loved them just as much but sometimes I made other distinctions as I learned more about what they meant.
Being six she may have just been noting the difference but with pride. Talking to her about it is a great idea and explaining that even though they may be "steps and halfs" you are one family and they are her brothers and sisters and then through talking about it you can learn why she made the distinction. It also may just be a phase.
My husband thinks it's not do much a phase, but more influence from BM. She's been telling K since Day 1 that the kids and I aren't her "real family" and that my sisters aren't her "real" aunts and my parents aren't her "real" grandparents. K has been really good about ignoring these comments, but BM has been extra forceful in her statements about the baby.
I know all we can do at our home is reaffirm to K that we love her and that we're all family. It just sucks when the snippets of BM's rage and bitterness interferes with our efforts.

It is pretty likely to be influence from BM. Although at this point and with everything else that is going on I really wouldn't worry about it too much. If she continues you might want to dicuss with her how that could be hurtful to her siblings. Just to throw it out there, I call my siblings different things all the time depending on who I'm talking to.

nurrieum · June 2012

jobalchak:
nurrieum:
jobalchak:
Kaeldrasmommy:
Is it possible that she was just trying to give a more accurate explanation because she was talking to a stranger instead of someone who already knows the situation?
I don't know, maybe. She's only 6, so I don't think she really considers stuff like that. Plus she's had no problem telling her teacher and other random people about her brother and sister. I just hope it doesn't continue. Especially the "half brother or half sister" comments.
You've had so much going on.
When I was that age I would talk about my "half siblings" all the time and I would switch from referring to them as "half" siblings and just "my brothers and sisters". I had a unique situation in that most people assumed I was an only child because my siblings lived primarily with their mothers. In my head I loved them just as much but sometimes I made other distinctions as I learned more about what they meant.
Being six she may have just been noting the difference but with pride. Talking to her about it is a great idea and explaining that even though they may be "steps and halfs" you are one family and they are her brothers and sisters and then through talking about it you can learn why she made the distinction. It also may just be a phase.
My husband thinks it's not do much a phase, but more influence from BM. She's been telling K since Day 1 that the kids and I aren't her "real family" and that my sisters aren't her "real" aunts and my parents aren't her "real" grandparents. K has been really good about ignoring these comments, but BM has been extra forceful in her statements about the baby.
I know all we can do at our home is reaffirm to K that we love her and that we're all family. It just sucks when the snippets of BM's rage and bitterness interferes with our efforts.

I thought I recalled you saying that but I wasn't for sure and I didn't want to jump to the BM. Influence like that must be really really hard on K- being caught between loving her BM but also loving her extended blended family as well- when that love isn't supported on all sides (not trying to say you don't just that BM very obviously does not)- it can be hard to process.

You're doing really great with just continuing to affirm that love and ignore the negativity. It's great that your not giving negatives back- it can be tempting but K will learn (and probably already knows) as she grows that instead of taking the low blow- you guys just showered her with continued love no matter what. That will leave a stronger impression on her than the negative comments from her BM. I'm sorry you're going through that though- it probably feels like one step forward 3 steps back and is so hurtful that BM needs to so define "real"- my questions is as opposed to what? Are you her fake family lol- anyway sorry- love blends well and love defines what is real by being real. I'm sorry that both you guys and your SD have to deal with comments like that- it pretty much sucks all around.

mmmmmriley · July 2012

I'm going to have to agree with the other PPs. There are 2 ways to go with this.

Either the little darling is starting to take to heart the things BM says to try to separate you and the new fam from the child OR (the good scenario) your little one is enjoying flexing her brain and making these associations and realizing how the family is literally tied together. She'll start noticing that this aunt is not just an aunt but the sister of a father. She'll be so impressed and excited by the info she's retaining, that she'll spout it out to anyone willing to listen.

I have 2 SD and am afraid the BM is going to try to turn them against this baby by telling them that my DH and I will love this baby more than them, etc. Of course the baby will have a better life than they do, the baby will be OURS and live with US, not live half time with BM and half time with us, with HER being the "final decision maker" and making terrible decisions that are never in their best interest. We spoil them rotten and they have everything they could ever want from us, but I'm sure she'll turn them towards resenting the new baby, but right now they couldn't be more excited.

scoobyd266 · July 2012

I agree with PP about her just trying to be accurate with strangers. DH & I each have a 6 yo and even though we have always called all of our boys brothers right from the beginning, they do sometimes refer to each other as stepbrothers when talking to people outside of our situation. Perhaps she was just telling it like it is, without any reflection on her feelings about the situation. I think having a talk with her is good though. We always try to reinforce the fact that we are all family in our house regardless of how you label it whenever this comes up.

doadance · July 2012

Coming from the other side of this type of situation, my kids BD got mad at me for gently explaining the difference between real mom and step mom when my six year old son asked me if I was his real mom or step mom. I've never told them they can't call her mom or anything like that, but I would also like them to know the difference. I explained that I was the mom that carried them in my belly (BD and his woman have twins together, they are 2) and that SM carried the twins in her belly, but they are all sisters and brothers. I explained she is their step-mom, he is their "real" dad, I am their real mom, and my husband is their step-dad. But I have never told them they can only call her step-mom or my husband step-dad. My DD calls my DH "Dad" and BD's wife "Mom". My sons stick to first names mostly. It hurts to hear my DD say "Mom said....." when talking to me about BD's wife, but I don't correct her. I do however ask her to differentiate to other people when talking because it becomes confusing if she says "mom said blah blah" and people look at me... BD said he was concerned about the kids calling their twins "step-brother/sister" which I kind of laughed at because they aren't "step" they are "half".... so is the baby I am carrying. I don't think it's bad to label them when talking to strangers just to clarify, and like I've said, I have never used the explanation to justify the "step or half" being LESS family than the "real", just as a clarification the same way I explain why my MOM isn't my Grandma... or why my cousin who is their age is their 2nd cousin but my first cousin...

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