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Dads & Dads-to-be
suze423
member
Any stay at home dads here?
suze423
member
What does a typical day look like for you? Do you do housework/cleaning? What do you do with LO? Is your wife/SO satisfied with what you do?
I'm trying to get some perspective. My H is a SAHD and I think he kind of sucks at it. He rarely does anything related to maintaining the house. Seems to think his only responsibility is taking care of DS. I don't agree.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Any stay at home dads here?
Good idea. I haven't, but I did pose a similar question to the stay at moms a while back. The majority of responses were "why don't you stay home for a day and see how much you get done."
I have to be honest here...
How is it that you think YOU can judge the value of what he is doing taking care of your child all day at home while you are at work? I can only imagine what it is like to care for a 6 month old child, ALONE, all day long.
My point is, he has his way of taking care of the child, and that is his call since he is the only one at home all day long. Just because you think that your husband is "mis-managing" his time does not make it so. I mean, is this dirty dishes in the sink we are talking about? Messy bathtub and sink?? You have not given an examples of how you feel he is "failing", just that you do not agree that he is working up to YOUR OWN standards.
Personally, if I was your husband, I would tell you where you can put your little opinion. While you are out among adults, working or not, he is at home with your son....ALL DAY LONG, with no adult interaction at all.
I would think appreciation for that fact is more in order than you whining about the house not being up to your standards. Here is a novel idea....you can both clean the house, TOGETHER!
Yeah, I have to imagine if a guy posted on the SAHM boards asking why his wife didn't get more housework done during the day, it would not go over well.
We're talking dirty dishes, messy bathtubs (although that's really the least of my issues), dirt all over the floors that he and his dogs have tracked inside, trash not thrown away, dog pee from the dog he just had to have on the floor. It's disgusting. I don't really want (nor do I think I should have to) clean up after him after I get home from work everyday. Not to mention the fact that just about everything baby related falls on me as long as I am home, both before and after work and on weekends.
Well, clearly you two have some issues you need to work out in terms of division of labor. I do think it's pretty reasonable to ask him to clean up the dog pee when it happens, especially as your LO will start crawling in the near future, and I wouldn't want my LO crawling through dog pee!
I can only imagine how hard it is taking care of a 6 month by myself, but truthfully, you knew your husband before you had your kid. Was he tidy and neat before your LO came along or has he always been messy and disgusting? If it's the latter, then you knew what you were getting into when you agreed to let this happen. If he is a neat person than you might need to have a calm, collective conversation where you ask, "What can I do to help keep this place clean and running effectively, and likewise I would like for you to also step up and help clean with LO is napping." This thing (family) has to be about partnership.
My wife hates cleaning, laundry, cooking....you name it. She would live off of microwave food and buy underwear before she actually did the laundry. I know that and I love her regardless. And since I know that, I cook, clean and address the concerns of our house because I value a clean house. And when our kid comes soon, my expectations will not change, we will partner and play to our strengths and keep our expectations where they were prior to LO entering the scene. You have to do the same....
DH SAH. He also does an amazing amount of work during the day. I have no idea how he does it. I would be a complete mess if it were me. But yeah, most days he manages to do a few loads of laundry, keep the kitchen in order, and about once a week he tackles bathrooms and floors. He also finds time to run (with LO in the stroller) during the day and head to the store when we need groceries.
But again, I would be a mess. When I was on maternity leave, the house was a pit. Most days, I didn't get out of my pajamas. Everyone is different. It sounds like the two of you have different expectations. Before we got into this, DH and I sat down and discussed who would be responsible for what. It sounds like you might need to have a similar conversation.
ETA: sorry guys, I promise to stop butting in here. DH thought my perspective on what he does during the day would be helpful. Butting out now
This is pretty much what I was going to say.
I may have a different perspective because we have twins. I think you really need to stay at home alone for 8-10 hours for a few times and experience what your husband experiences. After that you should better understand his point of view and be in a better position to discuss expectations.
I work FT and my wife works a few evenings a week and one full weekend day. So now I am by myself a few nights a week and one weekend day. I'll admit when my wife was still on leave from work I would come home from work and question why the kitchen was a mess and no laundry was done etc. My wife gave me a tongue lashing for that.
Then I stayed at home with the twins a few weekend days alone and I was lucky if I even got to eat a microwaved meal for lunch. I was totally spent by the end of the day. Now I totally understand why she can't get a lot done. I also understand why my wife is totally exhausted and doesn't want to try to help me do housework in the evenings.
I do think the previous posts are correct that you really do have to sit down and agree on expectations. We try to keep the kitchen half way clean and the living room since the boys are starting to crawl. I know we agree the rest of our house is mess, but right now we are just trying to get through the first year!
I thought it would be awesome to have twins. Now that I have a LO I can not imagine being home alone with twins. Peyton keeps me busy. She knows when we have food. She will start to cry and beg for attention when our food is ready.
Kudos for staying sane! haha.
I'm a SAHM with a 2 yr old and a 4mth old baby. I believe the bulk of the housework should fall on me, and honestly I generally find it easy.
However, somedays are easier than others. There are some days where I spend most of my time rocking a tetchy baby, and dealing with tantrums from the 2 yr old all day.
There are somedays when I'm able to whip through the housework because 2yr old is independently playing, or happily "helping" me, and the baby has big long naps.
Somedays I could do housework, but instead I value playing in the dirt with 2 yr old, or doing some "art". Then,although I intended to clean up our mess, the baby was crying, 2 yr old needed afternoon tea, dinner needed to be made, the phone rang 5 times, 2 yr old wet her knickers, twice, and suddenly DH is home and it looks like a bomb went off.
The thing is, though, it doesn't really matter what happens in my household. What matters is that you and DH are on the same page in terms of your division of labour and what you expect from each other.
Do you value him being home with LO? Or would you value him bringing in an income more? What does he see his role as? Why is babycare on you when you're home? Because he needs a break? Or because you have a vagina? When do you get a break? What does he do while you're caring for baby in the evenings? Is he getting dinner ready etc?
Work out what you want/expect and then have a big talk with DH when you're calm, and come to an agreement that you can both live with.
Elizabeth 5yrs old Jane 3yrs old
best advice i can give you is division of labor. DF is going to be a SAHD for awhile with DD and we decided that we would "take turns" during the week and have one weekend day where we share responsibility. Example: Sunday is share day, the M,W,F he is responsible for DD's needs after i get home (not saying i wont help at all, just saying he deals with her needs, and i do housework) and then T, Th, and Sat its my day for DD and he cleans. this schedule obviously is not set in stone, things happen and change but this way no ones feelings get hurt, he doesnt feel like im not helping enough or vice versa.
as PP said its difficult some days with a LO around to do the cleaning, and the cooking and housework in general. cut your H some slack, and realize while hes not working he also has a full time job taking care of LO
I do value him being at home with DS but that's largely due to the fact that I'm not really big on daycare. The main reason he stays home is that he was working a low paying retail job and the amount of money he made would pretty much just cover daycare costs, and maybe not even all of it depending on the daycare facility. So we both saw it as kind of pointless for him to continue working. He often talks about being stressed and overwhelmed but is always quick to nix the idea of going back to work when I've suggested that perhaps he's just not suited to being a SAHD.
When this decision was first made, we both agreed that his role would be to take care of the baby and take care of the house. I don't expect the house to be immaculate and I don't expect him to clean every single day and I don't expect him to do 100% of the house work. I know that's unrealistic. But I do expect him to throw away his trash (paper plates, soda cans, empty food containers like soup cans or frozen food boxes) rather than leave it all on the kitchen counter until I throw it away myself. I do expect him to clean up after his dog. I do expect him to provide a safe and sanitary environment for our son. I don't think that's asking too much.
According to him, my break is being at work because I have an office job and sit down all day. Never mind the fact that I get up in the middle of the night to feed DS, I get him up in the morning, change his diaper, and feed him while putting my makeup on, all while DH is still sleeping. So yeah, I sit at a desk all day but I'm tired. I don't get to take naps during the day like he does. He will sometimes cook dinner but often requests that I do it and then he'll watch tv, mess around on his computer, he likes to paint so he'll do that on occasion. Ugh I'm frustrated and this is turning into a vent. Sorry.
Your expectations are pretty dam reasonable in my opinion.
How we deal with things in our household:
I do all night wakings because I'm BF. Which often means dealing with DD1 if she wakes too because I figure if I'm awake I might as well deal with her rather than waking DH.
DH deals with DD1 first thing in the morning before work. This allows me to maybe sleep in a bit if DD2 is still sleeping, or maybe DD1 will come snuggle in bed after she's had breakfast.
When DH gets home we both work together to get through the dinner/bath/bedtime rush.
After the girls are in bed we generally both chill out watching TV/play on the computer. I generally make sure the house is tidy before I go to bed: dishes done, put on a load of laundry, toys picked up etc.
Weekends are a mixed bag of us having time to ourselves, having fun as a family, each getting chores done in and outside the house, visiting family etc etc etc.
My days generally/ideally go:
get up have breakfast, tend to DD2, dress DD1, get myself dressed make beds general tidy of the house. Before DD2 morning nap.
While DD2 has her morning nap (about 2 hours) I do some chores, and do some fun stuff with DD1.
When DD2 wakes that means another round of feeding/morning tea etc. Then we do stuff together maybe a walk around the neighbourhood or to the park, or up to the shops to do errands. DD2 goes to sleep for a lunch nap, I feed DD1, she has a nap.
If all goes well I have 1 - 2 hours to myself where both girls sleep. Sometimes I do chores, but often I have a cup of tea and have a break, or a sleep, or maybe I do a mix of both.
Then when the girls wake we have a couple of hours before Dh gets home, and I get dinner ready, and play, and try and scurry around to have the house a bit tidy.
Honestly with only one baby at home who should be having two solid naps, your DH has a whole heap of time on his hands, and if he's not waking up at night then he shouldn't be particularly tired.
I'm not saying he's not doing a great job caring for your son, but he's getting an awful lot of break time. You deserve a break too.
Elizabeth 5yrs old Jane 3yrs old
I have no idea how you figured her expectations aligned with your own, but whatever. Seems that you are just taking a side based on what your own idea on what he should be doing, even though one would not have a clue as to the reality of their situation. I wonder if he get's to tell her how to do her job when she is not at home???
At the end of the day the two of you need to sit down and actually craft a plan based on both of your expectations. Seems that there is a lot of assuming going on here based on only one side of the story. I certainly would not like that if I was her husband, and I would certainly tell her exactly how much I do'n like it.
She asked to see what a SAHDs day looked like. So I gave her mine because I figure as a SAHP it's not vastly different.
I'm not saying our expectations are the same, but she obviously wants to see what others do so she can compare and contrast.
I've already said that her and her husband need to work out what is right for them.
I think some of our expectations allign because she outlined a few, and I agree with them.
And of course I'm taking a side based on the information provided here. The OP may well have given us an incredibly one-sided version, or one that has no reflection of reality at all, but that's not really my problem.
Based on what OP has said I have the opinion that it seems that her DH gets a lot of break time. It sounds like it's ok for him to make assumptions and have expectations about her day based on the fact that she does a desk job, but she in turn can't make assumptions or have expectations on him.
I suppose I could make random posts based on guesses about what the person who isn't writing the post think or does, but that seems a little pointless.
Equally I could all answer all posts seeking opinions with, "talk to your spouse don't bother me, I can't possibly know your situation." But that would be boring for me.
Elizabeth 5yrs old Jane 3yrs old
Nope, he doesn't. However, how I do my job has no effect on him, as long as I don't do so poorly that I get fired. The same cannot be said for him. What he does or does not do affects me and as such, I feel I should have a say in it. If he doesn't like it he can go get a job outside of the house.
My main poin tis this.
I have heard your side of the story...
I have not heard his side of the story...
That fact alone telss me I only have half of the story....
I would imagine most of the men here on the board would agree with me on that, regardless of your singular view on this. To us, this reads like a *** session, not an attempt to actually get our point of view. Of course, when us men do give a point of view, it is usually some lurking female butting in and killing our threads because, well....you are women, and you think we are wrong most of the time anyway.
Now, I clean all the time. The kitchen and the bathroom, are for all practical purposes my duties. I also have all of the outside work. I have no problem with that because my wife and I are a team, period, point blank. It is what makes us who we are...teamwork.
I don't know your husbands side of the story, but I know stay at home moms who let their houses go a little bit because of the demands around taking care of a newborn. Heck, in birthing class they even tell people that the whole clean house thing is small compared to everything else that goes into taking care of a baby at that age.
The fact remains, if a dirrty house is one of your minor worries, life is probably pretty damn good right now for the three of you.
Women....PICK YOUR BATTLES WISELY, OTHERWISE YOUR GRIPES LOSE A LOT OF POWER WITH US!!!! Sooner or later we just tune that out and we may even purposely NOT CLEAN just to make it very clear that we could give a crap about it because of the attitude you bring with it.
You want a man's opinion, and then when you get it some of you act like we are your husbands too and we said the worst thing ever. We are not....so just chillax on that crap!!! It get's old, real quick!
I agree, he should get a job outside he house. But not for the reasons you want to impose on him. I would get the job just so both of us would have equal responsibility for taking care of the child. You want to whine about how I keep the house? Fine....now we both have to keep the house, and you no longer get to hold the job thing over my head, and tell people on a forum that I SUCK at taking care of the house and being a SAHD.
Screw that!!!!!
"I would imagine most of the men here on the board would agree with me on that, regardless of your singular view on this. To us, this reads like a *** session, not an attempt to actually get our point of view. "
"The fact remains, if a dirrty house is one of your minor worries, life is probably pretty damn good right now for the three of you."
These!