Babies: 0 - 3 Months

The right choice for us

For four weeks all I've heard in my head is all the voices on here telling me "DON'T LET YOUR LO CIO!" They can't self sooth and it will hurt their personality and they will grow up to skin small animals or something horrific. So I've been rushing to DS every time he cries in such fear. I've done the 5 S's but he can't sleep swaddled in my swinging arms for the entire night while I make swishing sounds because as soon as he's laid flat he screams his head off. I have shed more tears than he has and when does frustration and sanity of mommy become more important. When she thinks she's starting to develope ppd because she is sleep deprived and resenting her LO. Three nights ago I had to lay him down and leave him because we had been put to sleep 6 times in mom and dads arms and six times laid down in the bassinet to wake up and start crying. And DS cried for less than ten minutes while I cried because I didn't have it in me to go to him again and DH held me. You know what happened? He cried for less than ten minutes. And when I went back in? He was still awake and just looking around. And five minutes after that? He was asleep! All on his own. The next night I laid him in there still awake and he didn't cry at all. Last night he cried for 13 minutes and I came back in to find him sleeping. DH makes an excelent point; he is a human and he has all this energy and no way to expend it except to cry. I encourage everyone to do everything you can first, routines, soothing methods, the basics fed, clean, burped. I am a better mommy during the day because I slept and he makes me happy and I don't dread bed time. We play more and read more and engage more. So if being a "bad mom" for half an hour at night makes me a better mommy the other 23 1/2 hours of the day so be it. Good luck mommies, "good" and "bad".

Re: The right choice for us

  • I definitely let my LO fuss at night before she falls asleep.  She will chew on her hand and sometimes randomly cry out but she will end up falling asleep.

    When she actually needs something, still hungry or needs burped, her cries are much different, and I always go in then. 

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  • I'm sorry, bu 4 weeks is far too young for CIO.  There's a reason people here were telling you that.  Developmentally, it's not appropriate to expect an infant to self soothe at that age.  Glad it worked for you, but it's not recommended until at least 4 months. 
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  • Babies that young are not capable of self-soothing. You know what your LO did?  Fell asleep because he was so exhausted from crying alone. And your husband is a moron-babies don't expend energy by crying-babies cry when they have a need that isn't being met, and sometimes, that need is affection and attention.
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  • imagelindy27:

    I definitely let my LO fuss at night before she falls asleep.  She will chew on her hand and sometimes randomly cry out but she will end up falling asleep.

    When she actually needs something, still hungry or needs burped, her cries are much different, and I always go in then. 

    This. Maybe FIO - fuss it out might be a better term. The cries are different. He's awake longer durging the day too because he sleeps longer at night without the constant up and down up and down.
  • Good for you for writing this! My stepmom was with me for the first few weeks of LOs life and she encouraged me to CIO(for up to 15mins) after we tried everything else and made sure she doesn't have a diaper/gas/hunger issue. Then after a few weeks I saw on here everyone talking bout how cruel it is and I felt HORRIBLE! Now I'm not doing it but it is tempting when all else fails. And my LO has been doing the same thing with not staying asleep unless she's in our arms. Its hard as hell being a parent, isn't it?
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  • I think it depends whether he is just fussing a little bit or full out crying. If DS is fussing in his bed a little bit, I'll wait a few minutes to see if he stops on his own. If he is full out crying, clearly communicating to me that he needs SOMETHING- even just wanting snuggles- there is no way I could sit there and just listen to him cry. He is letting you know that he needs something, and at that age (my DS is about the same age) if you just let them cry it out the reason they finally stop crying is because they have given up hope that anyone will come and give them what they need. 

     There have been nights my DS will only sleep in my arms too. Those nights he slept the whole time on my chest. 


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  • imagemabenner1:
    Babies that young are not capable of self-soothing. You know what your LO did?  Fell asleep because he was so exhausted from crying alone. And your husband is a moron-babies don't expend energy by crying-babies cry when they have a need that isn't being met, and sometimes, that need is affection and attention.
    "Exhausted" and "babies don't expend energy by crying" you massively contradicted yourself. And how do you manage to "go" when you have to really "go" if LO can't cry for 10 minutes. All I know is that five days ago DH and I were discussing my bad thoughts and ppd and what to do next and it was just sleep deprivation. DS doesn't cry all day because he slept solid hours the night before instead of twenty minutes try to lay down, cry, up sleep twenty minutes try to lay down... And I enjoy my son and our days much better, even when we do cry and we rock and bounce until its better. I can handle that now knowing it's okay to fuss and cry sometimes too.
  • imageDawnLilly:
    imagemabenner1:
    Babies that young are not capable of self-soothing. You know what your LO did?  Fell asleep because he was so exhausted from crying alone. And your husband is a moron-babies don't expend energy by crying-babies cry when they have a need that isn't being met, and sometimes, that need is affection and attention.
    "Exhausted" and "babies don't expend energy by crying" you massively contradicted yourself. And how do you manage to "go" when you have to really "go" if LO can't cry for 10 minutes. All I know is that five days ago DH and I were discussing my bad thoughts and ppd and what to do next and it was just sleep deprivation. DS doesn't cry all day because he slept solid hours the night before instead of twenty minutes try to lay down, cry, up sleep twenty minutes try to lay down... And I enjoy my son and our days much better, even when we do cry and we rock and bounce until its better. I can handle that now knowing it's okay to fuss and cry sometimes too.

    No, I didn't contradict myself at all. Crying yourself to sleep does not equal "expending energy", whatever *** that means. You go by putting LO in their crib, going, and coming back. If that takes you 10 minutes, something is wrong. If you're so sleep deprived, how about asking DH for some help, and letting him take night shifts, instead of letting little one cry all by himself at only one month old.

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  • DH works 12 days on 2 days off. He went to work this morning at 4 and won't get done until 7 tonight. He's a farmer and will do this schedule until October. So yeah he should totally be doing that midnight feeding.
  • I don't think you're neglecting your baby. I think moms know the difference between a baby needing something and being in distress and just being fussy. 

    I had to put DS in the crib and let him cry for like 10 min so i could vacuum the house, wipe down the counters and clean his bottles.... i felt like crap about it but we have 2 big dogs in a small apartment and i want to create a clean environment for my baby... my DH has been working double shifts and hasnt been able to take over baby care so nothings gotten done. 

    So yeah I let him fuss until i got one chore done, then held him and soothed him - met all his needs etc.... and then had to set him down to get another chore done and just had to let him fuss. 

     I would literally never ever get anything done and the house would be gross if i didn't. 

     

      

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  • imagemabenner1:
    Babies that young are not capable of self-soothing. You know what your LO did?  Fell asleep because he was so exhausted from crying alone. And your husband is a moron-babies don't expend energy by crying-babies cry when they have a need that isn't being met, and sometimes, that need is affection and attention.

    This.

    Also, constant crying can cause their BP to rise and heart rates... Causing unnecessary stress.

  • imageDawnLilly:
    DH works 12 days on 2 days off. He went to work this morning at 4 and won't get done until 7 tonight. He's a farmer and will do this schedule until October. So yeah he should totally be doing that midnight feeding.

    I understand this as my DHs scheduled is much the same. Still, when he gets for work, he will at least take DS and change him and bring him back to me to eat.   This really helps me. 

                  
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  • My heart aches for the little man in the picture in your siggy. All he knows is you and you are not there to comfort him. I'm hugging my DD extra close tonight. 

    And, if you think you are getting PPD, you need medical help. If more sleep is what you need, you don't have PPD. You are simply sleep deprived. Join the club. It's called having a baby. 

    Signed,

    A bumpie who suffered from PPD/PPA with her first child. 

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  • You are not abusing your child, and he will not have long term effects from having to cry a little here and there.  He is a little young, so just know he'll become a better sleeper on his own very soon.  But in reality, babies do have to fuss a little sometimes...having older children is a good way to guarantee that.  Sometimes the 2 year old needs help w/ the potty.  Sometimes the 4 year old has a bad cold and needs you too.  Sometimes you do need to use the toilet or shower for 10 minutes...your baby will be fine!  Meet your baby's needs and if he has to cry for 10 minutes a day, you should NOT feel bad.
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  • Whatever makes you feel better, OP... If you think you might have PPD, YOU need to get help for YOU. Not make your helpless newborn take the fall because you're not ready to accept the sacrifices and selflessness it takes to be a parent.
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  • aciaacia member

    It's not about being a "good" mom or a "bad" mom. It's about doing what's best for your LO. And like it or not, deliberately letting your very young baby cry to fall asleep is not best for your LO. Even if it "works" in getting him to fall asleep, it has other negative side-effects that may not be immediately apparent. Experts will tell you, science will show you - it's not the healthiest option for your child. I'm not judging you - I hope other moms aren't either - you need to see the facts rather than being defensive because this isn't about you, it's about what's best for your LO.

    You may think you are "teaching" him to sleep - but letting him cry is not teaching him anything except that when he cries, his needs go unmet. He goes to sleep or stops crying because he gives up or is too exhausted to continue. The most important lesson you should be teaching your son right now is unconditional comfort and love. That doesn't mean that you need to be supermom - call in help from DH, a sitter, relatives, friends, etc. when you need a break. Never be ashamed to ask for help. I KNOW how hard it is to have a child who doesn't sleep well (my older DD is almost 3 and JUST started sleeping through the night). I KNOW how wearing it can be on your sanity to be sleep deprived. So don't do it alone. And for goodness sake, if you're feeling like you actually have PPD, go to a doctor!

    If I've misunderstood and it was just fussing - you know, little "eh eh" sounds - then I think that's probably fine. Lots of babies need to fuss a bit to unwind at the end of the day (though it doesn't mean you can't hold them while they do it). But if the baby is actually crying, getting worked up at all, don't leave him to do it alone. He's telling you that he needs your help to fall asleep, that he wants to be held, that for whatever reason, he's having trouble staying asleep by himself.

    One tip that I've read that might help is to make sure you hold/rock your baby until he's completely asleep, which is usually 20 minutes or so of eyes being closed. If you put him down sooner than that, he's more like to wake up. Swaddling, warming the bed up ahead of time, creating a little "nest" like a rock n play or carseat does, using white noise, keeping the room very dark, trying a mobile or projector or soothing device - all those things can help, too. For most babies, it's trial and error, and what works for one might not work for another.

    Good luck mama - I hope you can find something that works for you!

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  • Oh my goodness, I can't imagine just letting a four-week old cry for 15-20 minutes to "help" him go to sleep.

    If you need to walk away for a bit because you are losing it and may harm the baby, do it. But leaving the poor little guy in the crib to CIO at this age just isn't okay.

    I have a toddler and we have had to use the CIO method. It is far different when you're battling the will of a child who is just angry to go to sleep.

    This newborn doesn't have the capacity to be angry or manipulative. He's crying because he needs something.

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  • When DD was 5 days old (she's 3 weeks this week) the nurse practitioner at the pedi's office told us to let her CIO. So we went home that day & tried. For about 10 minutes. I couldn't handle it, it broke my heart. And I haven't done it since - especially after finding out babies this young can't & only cry when they need something. (Granted DH has done it one other time without me knowing - I was asleep & somehow managed to not hear her!)

    Now there are times where she'll cry a lot. Like today. I was sleeping, DH was taking care of her & he brought her to me because he was pretty much about to lose it. I would walk with her, try swaddling her, rocking her, try the paci, check her diaper, etc. And DH said she had just ate about an hour & a half before that. She would calm down for a few minutes but then she would start up again. I asked DH if he'd want to try driving her around. So I put her in the car seat, was rocking the car seat & she immediately stopped crying. I was amazed - we didn't even have to drive around! And by time she started crying again it was time for her to eat. So DH fed her & she's been good since (well, unless it's feeding time again or she needs a diaper change of course). 

  • Don't listen to any of the negative posts that are on here. If it works for you and your family then that is what is best. Everyone has a different opinion on what is best but this is your baby and your family not theirs.
  • imageHeather2256:

    When DD was 5 days old (she's 3 weeks this week) the nurse practitioner at the pedi's office told us to let her CIO. 

    You need a new pediatrician, like now.  That "advice" is completely opposite of what's universally recommended.  

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  • imageBreandMikewedding:
    Don't listen to any of the negative posts that are on here. If it works for you and your family then that is what is best. Everyone has a different opinion on what is best but this is your baby and your family not theirs.

     

    I agree! Plus a little crying isn't going to hurt. They need to work out their lungs and get them nice and strong.  

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  • imageMDmama519:

    My heart aches for the little man in the picture in your siggy. All he knows is you and you are not there to comfort him. I'm hugging my DD extra close tonight. 

    And, if you think you are getting PPD, you need medical help. If more sleep is what you need, you don't have PPD. You are simply sleep deprived. Join the club. It's called having a baby. 

    Signed,

    A bumpie who suffered from PPD/PPA with her first child. 

    wow.....terrible. I agree with MD mama.  Poor Baby...  You should get some help, and I am not being sarcastic. It is tough being so ired and taking care of a newborn, but he really is too young to CIO.

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  • Babies don't sleep well. That's it. Trust me when I say I've been through hell and back with DD. I know what sleep deprived is. I'm not against CIO. We did with dd at 8 months. You LO is far too young to let him CIO even if it's for 10 mins. I didn't read all of the replies so I'm not sure if this has been asked but, do you think maybe there is an issue like reflux or an intolerance to bm or formula? Ear infection? I would talk to pedi. Some of these ladies here are very much against CIO and can use harsh terms like "neglect" so I don't agree with them on that, however they're right in this aspect. Being close to mom is a need. So when you say all of his needs have been met, that may not be true.
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