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Baby Showers
SarahJean0
member
MIL mad over shower?
SarahJean0
member
in Baby Showers
So my mom and sister offered to throw me a baby shower, which is very kind and wonderful. Today my MIL approached me and acted somewhat offended that she wasn't asked by my mom to help, and suggested that I need to tell her that she wants to help pay for the shower.
I feel caught in the middle here...I don't want her to feel offended but at the same time couldn't she have offered to host a shower? Is it wrong that my mom didn't ask her to help? Our families aren't especially close.
When DH and I got married my parents paid for the entire wedding and my mom made our invitations and only includes my parents name on the invite because she said she looked it up and since they were throwing the wedding, that was etiquette. Anyhow DHs mom got very upset and told him that my family thinks they are "white trash" because they didn't include their name...it was a big old mess that I was caught in the middle of, and just don't want that to happen again.
My MIL is a very sweet lady who I adore. I told her to call my mom and I'm sure they could plan together, but I know she won't, which leaves me feeling like I now need to take some action...
Please excuse any typos/grammar as I'm typing this from my phone.
Any advice on this situation would be appreciated.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: MIL mad over shower?
This. Get her your mom's number, then stay out of it.
I would give your MIL your mom's number and give your Mom your MIL's number (and let her know MIL wants to help pay for the shower). I'm sure your mom would appreciate the financial help. BTW...is your DH's family invited to the shower your mom and sister are hosting?
As for the wedding...it is tradition (old tradition) for the bride's parents to pay for all of the wedding...except the rehearsal dinner and the alcohol. Both parents names should have been on the invitation...unless no parents names were on it. It wasn't right that just your parents were mentioned (regardless who paid for it). JMO My parents paid for my wedding...but neither parents names were on the invite (DH's parents are divorced and I didn't want to open that can of worms).
I think the wedding invite thing was a bit cold--yes, they paid for it so *technically* they could leave DH's parents off of the invite, but it's common courtesy to acknowledge them. If someone left my name off my child's wedding invite, it might be tough not to see the baby shower thing as a snub (even though I don't think that's what your mom was doing).
This could be a good opporuntity to mend some fences. Make sure MIL has your mom's contact info and let her know you'd love it for her to contribute. Let your mom know to expect MIL's call and please allow her to help so she feels included.
The role you take in this depends on how much peace you want in the time to come.
Would you be really put out to talk to your mom and let her know that your MIL would like to participate as well? Then, just make sure they have eachother's info step back.
Maybe she doesn't think that she *should* throw a shower if you're already having one. And maybe she thinks that since there is a new baby on the way, your families should unite in events related to the baby.
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BFP #2 Matthew pPROM 23w5d 06-03-07, b/33 weeks 8-6-07, d/10-15-07 SIDS,
BFP #3 m/c 8 weeks 2/20/09, BFP #4 m/c no hb 6w4d, m/c 9w4d, D&C 11w2d, BFP #5 C/P 12/18/09 after BFP- 9dpo
BFP #6 Samantha- 11-9-10
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This Momma's Journey
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I don't blame your parents at all over the wedding thing. Your MIL didn't pay for anything then puts up a stink that she wasn't listed? Eh, I guess I'm school, but she's in the wrong Ion this. Not your parents.
Past that. Give her your moms number and be done w it.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Your Mother should have included your Mother in law in on the planning, IMO. & as far as the wedding invites go....I fully agree with the bolded part
Natural M/C at 7 weeks 9.17.08 Natural M/C at 7 weeks 2.1.13
We did include my IL's names, but with similar wording...
"Mr and Mrs _____ invite you to celebrate the marriage of their daughter (name) to (groom name), son of Mr. and Mrs. ____"
It might not be traditional or what you have to do, but it didn't feel right to include my parents and leave his off entirely.
Hmm...that is interesting...the Emily Post thing. I have never ever seen an invite that only had one set of parents names...(unless the couple have just their own names like we did). I've even gotten some that said "the late parent". Like I said it is an OLD tradition so obviously in my circle of family and friends we still follow this. Obviously that piece of etiquette went the way of grandmas hosting showers for their own DDs and actually having showers for 2nd, 3rd, 4th, and more babies.
<a href="http://s22.photobucket.com/albums/b316/Vanessro82/?action=view
Weird. I don't think I've ever seen a wedding invitation with both parents' names mentioned. I never thought of it as listing who paid for the wedding, just as tradition since the bride's parents are "giving her away."
BFP #1 9/7/10, EDD 5/14/11, Violet born 5/27/11.
BFP #2 4/9/12, EDD 12/16/12, M/C Rory 4/24/12.
BFP #3 10/6/12, EDD 6/16/12., Matilda born 6/17/13.
IMO what matters most here is your relationship with MIL. I would not hide behind etiquette because clearly this is not the way she thinks. Your shower is one day. Your relationship with MIL will last much longer than that, for better or for worse.
I would talk to your mom and let her know that MIL "wishes to contribute" to the shower and "isn't that so thoughtful of her?!" Then I'd suggest that she ask MIL what specifically she prefers to handle. That way they are not BOTH shopping for and having to agree on a cake, but rather each has their own responsiblities.
And then put both names (well all 3 in this case) on the invite.
Even if this isn't yor mom's ldeal party planning scenerio, a little consideration of the bigger picture would go a long way to a very important cause: preserving family peace.
Oh my, I wish i had GOOD advice on what to do other than be careful about getting involved. My Biological mom and MIL threw me a shower yesterday and I held it together but when my husband came to pick me up I finally lost in and broke down into tears.
MIL and Mom had very different ideas and for the past month I have been getting texts and phone calls from both asking me what the other is thinking, my mom wanted everything to be a surprise but my MIL insisted on telling me every detail everytime we went over to their house. and yesterday i could feel the tension all afternoon, one of my friends even asked if everything was ok.
I left yesterday in tears because I found that I couldnt keep the peace and felt like I let both down. just be careful these things are supposed to be a celebration, maybe ask DH to step in and be the intermediary between his mom and yours you dont need the stress.
Looking back, I do wish both parents were listed on the wedding invitations. My mom handled them and honestly it didn't even occur to me at the time.
This time around there wasn't much I could do as my mom offered us a shower, so only her name was listed as a host. I guess she could have asked MIL to help but didn't.
I spoke to my mom and she agreed to contact MIL which she did so they are working something out together. Things seem fine but I still feel bad. I guess the only thing I can do is take a lesson from this and in the distant future when my children get married, make an effort to work with the in laws on these occasions.
Thanks for all of the advice and help.