I just had a huge fight with my mom. It's a very long story, but my mother has several health problems. She has Type II diabetes that she does not control (refuses to go on a diet, does not check sugars on schedule, doesn't follow her sliding scale for insulin shots), she has severe arthirtis in her knees to the point where she can't walk (they want to do knee replacement surgery but won't because her blood sugar is way too high and it's too dangerous). My father passed away just over 5 years ago and she lives alone now. Three years ago, I moved to western North Carolina from the Atlanta area, where I'm from. My mom was incredibly upset when I moved (I'm the youngest of 4). My sister was the one taking care of her, but my mom would constantly call me and tell me how mean my sister was to her and that she wished I was the one helping her. So, in the middle of planning my wedding, I moved my mom up to be closer to me because I do know how mean and hateful my sister can be. Well, now I kind of understand how my sister probably felt. My mom is incredibly stubborn, needy, and whiny about everything. She's very demanding, which I was able to put up with, but now that I'm 33 weeks pregnant, she has not let up on her demands from me.
I'm still working full-time, I'm going to grad school, and I've got a baby on the way. So with just those 3 things, I've already got a lot on my plate. Add to that a 65 year old woman who can't do anything on her own and who is the queen of passive aggressive guilt trips, and I really feel like I'm going to lose my sh*t any minute, and I almost did tonight.
I went over just to visit with my mom because she constantly complains that I never come over just to talk, so I was trying to be nice. Then she starts talking about how bad she feels and that she's all alone and nobody wants to help her. I totally lost it then. I told her that she's had these health problems for about 7 years now, and if she would have listened to her doctors and her family from the beginning, she could have managed the diabetes and she'd still be independent. She has three daughters who have gone with her to diabetes education courses, who have cooked healthy meals for her, and who have gone on low-carb diets themselves just to show her that it can be done and that you don't have to go without everything you like. But she flat out refused to do anything. Now that she's dependent on me, I find it very selfish of her to sit there and eat an entire pint of ice cream, washed down with a Coke. (I don't buy these things for her, she has friends in her apartment complex who run errands for her, and they will get whatever she wants from the grocery store.) Am I wrong that this totally infuriates me? When I was arguing with her tonight, I was more angry than I've ever been in my life, and I hate the way it felt. I still have a pain in my chest from it. I know my blood pressure probably sky rocketed, but I think it's come down now. I'm normally a very passive, and understanding person. But right now, I'm just so angry at her and the fact that she doesn't seem to respect the fact that I'm pregnant and cannot do as much for her. My husband tries to do things for her, but he also works and is in grad school.
This would all be different if she had an illness she could not control like cancer or Parkinson's or something. But all of this was SO preventable and did not have to happen. And it wouldn't have happened if she had just done half of what her doctor told her to do.
Maybe I'm hormonal, or just a total b*tch, but I just don't know what to do anymore and I don't know what should be expected of me to put up with.
I feel better that I typed all this out. I just hope I can calm myself down and not let this happen again. I know it's not good for LO.
Thanks for listening!
Re: Just had huge fight with mom...need to vent!
first off ((hugs)) i know how difficult that was for you my mom is very very similar, also the queen of passive-aggressive guilt trips. my sister and i had to basically do the same thing with her, be like we're your children and you are capable of taking care of yourself we arent going to do it for you anymore. that was 2 years ago and shes not completely better but she knows where the boundaries are and every now and then we have to be like "mom your doing it again"
im so sorry your having to go through this and it is tough. its better for you in the long run though and for her too. this may be the swift kick in the behind she needs to get motivated, but in the end its important for you to know its her life, and her decisions and she has to deal with that. not sayin you love her any less, but you need to do whats best for you and your family.
i hope this all works out and your mom gets the help she needs, but in the end thats her decision. just do your best to stick to your boundaries and in time this will get better.
((more hugs))
I am so sorry you are dealing with this, and I can somewhat relate. My dad and your mom sound somewhat similar in their health issues, and lack of desire to try to control them. My dad has type II diabetes, had quadruple bypass 7 years ago, and has a foot (diabetes related) that he can not put any weight on and is having an operation on this month. I can totally relate with the frustration involved and the anger over them not making lifestyle changes that are going to improve their quality of life.
I am so sorry all of this is on your shoulders, seems so unfair. I am not in the same situation, in that my mother is his primary care giver, but she is also his enabler. Can any of your siblings come to help out? I know there is know talking to her about it as when I have tried to talk to my dad it turns into a huge battle.
So I really don't have any advice. Hang in there. You are a wonderful daughter for doing as much as you do. T&P's for a relaxing last 7 weeks.
Im so sorry you are going to all of this, your right the added stress is not good for you or your LO. Is there anyway yall could get a nurse or health care provider to check in on her? Or maybe take her to tour a nursing home and tell her that if she doesn't start helping herself you will have no choice to but to put her in a home.
My mom is also very stubborn with her health and flat out refuses to stop smoking even though shes had breast cancer twice, stage 1 then stage 4. You would think almost dying twice would open someones eyes but nope.
The only postive thing I can think is maybe once she sees your LO she will try to get her life and health on track in order to be in his/her life as long as possible.
Polyp removed/hypothyriod 6/2011
7/2011 IUI#1 w/ 150 Follistim/Ovidrel trigger BFN
8/2011 IUI#2 w/225 Follistim/Ovidrel trigger BFN
10/2011 IUI#3 w/300 Follistim/Ovidrel trigger (BFP)
beta #1: 195 beta#2: 502
7/2013 Back to RE because my uterus is OLD
Chase Matthew born at 35 weeks on July 31st
Thanks for all the support, ladies! She does have a home health nurse and a physical therapist come twice a week. But none of that really takes any burden off me. She still complains if I don't come by every day and that she doesn't get to go enough places. But between work, school, and trying to have quality time with DH, it really doesn't free up enough time for me to do much with her. If places don't have the electric carts, she has to have a wheelchair that someone has to push. I used to take her out to eat once or twice a week, but I can't do that now because her wheelchair weighs about 50 pounds and is a huge pain to get into the back of my car, and my doctor told me not to lift it because I've been having so much back and hip pain. So she's pissed about that.
At her last doctor's appointment, I brought up that I worry about her living alone and I expressed that I am not going to be able to provide her with the car that she needs, and that I don't want her medical needs to be neglected just because I can't take her to the doctor. He did bring up assisted living, and I'm afraid that's where it's going to have to go. I just know the huge guilt trip that will come along with it. She refuses to acknowledge that he had any part in her declining health, so if she does have to go live somewhere, she's going to say "I can't believe you are putting me here" when really, it was her own decisions that led to it.
I don't think LO will inspire any motivation. Back in December, when we found out we were pregnant, I begged her to work on getting her blood sugar lowered so that she could get her knees replaced and be able to keep LO when I went back to work. I also explained back then that as my pregnancy progressed, I probably wouldn't be able to do as much for her. But it seems like all of that went in one ear and out the other.
It's just an all-around terrible situation that really doesn't have a right answer. But I'm tired of trying to be a cheerleader for a team that doesn't care about winning, and really doesn't want to play anymore. I'm almost thinking that it's to the point where I just need to give up and enjoy my growing family and not worry about her problems anymore.
I know there is no good answer, but I appreciate being able to vent on here. Your supportive comments are very much appreciated!
This x1000. Obama will save her. Take care of you.
I'm really sorry. That's just a crappy situation all around. How much do you read? There's a book that really helped me called, "Boundaries." It's by townsend and Cloud. I'm fairly certain they are religious, but I don't remember a lot of religious stuff in the book. (Other than at one point I think they may have addressed religious motivations for not setting boundaries with people we love.... It's been a while.)
Ultimately your mother's health is HER responsibility, not yours. The fact that she's trying to make it your responsibility doesn't change that fact. If she needs to go to assisted living, it is because of choices that she made. Hold on to that fact. It's important!