FTM sad about no shower

mavs41 · June 2012

Well, that's not completely true, I will have a work shower, but I don't feel like that is the same as a family/friends shower. My aunt offered to do it when I told her I was pregnant in February. She even made a board on pinterest called __________'s Baby Shower. I was really excited but it seems like she has gotten busy/forgotten. I mentioned this concern to my mom (just to see if she had heard anything) and the other day they were together so my mom brought up the pregnancy to see if she would say anything but she didn't. I know some would say my mom could do it, but I feel like that's the same as doing it myself so I'd rather not.

It's not about the presents, the people that I would invite will probably still get me something regardless of if I have a shower or not. I just feel like I'm missing out on a special occasion.

KelliLynee · June 2012

How do you know they aren't just trying to keep it a surprise?

purplepolkadot445 · June 2012

I'm sorry to hear that. That would hurt my feelings too. Although I think it would be cool for your mom to throw the shower. My step mom did mine. It's all about the people who come and the memories. Maybe you should mention it, may she thinks you don't want her to throw one?

INmommy871278 · June 2012

I had a friend volunteer to throw my shower, but my mom said the friend is unreliable and that she would be throwing my shower (more of a control thing I think than really thinking the friend is unreliable). I agree with pp, maybe mention it to your mom because it is about the memories not who is throwing it. It sucks that your aunt fell threw, but they could be keeping it a surprise like pp said, don't give up hope just yet.

zombiemommie · June 2012

i had mentioned at a family dinner that i was so excited to start planning my shower. as a ftm, i guess i didnt realize this was not proper baby-having etiquette, so to speak. my aunt said she would be throwing the shower, and had me send her my list of contacts. honestly, i am kind of disappointed that i am not throwing my own baby shower, (despite how much more organized she is) because i had no idea that i wasn't supposed to. if someone else is unwilling to do it for you, what is the problem in throwing it yourself? at least you would have the decorations, theme, and activities that you want

mavs41 · June 2012

Thanks for the responses. I know it isn't being planned as a surprise because my mom would have known and said something when I was worried. I called my mom and told her I wanted one and so she's mentioning to another aunt (since the first one dropped the ball and my mom probably doesn't think it's appropriate for her to host). Definitely not the way I wanted it to go but as pp mentioned, it's about the memories I'll make with my family.

ilovelife · June 2012

My mom hosted my first shower. Why does your mom think it's not her place to host? I'd say it's more of her place to host than a friend...jmho!

downwardsunshine · June 2012

My mom is hosting my shower as well, a friend wanted to do it but my mother is a control freak.... It's not too late for your mother to plan it. Mine isn't until my 32nd week, that's a month away for you.

mamaHippo23 · June 2012

There really is nothing wrong with hosting your own shower. If it's important to you and no one else is able/willing to do it, then why not? Maybe you and your mom could plan it together.

Don't forget, this is only the first of many, many, many special occaisons you will have to celebrate this child in the coming years. There's plenty of birthdays, holidays, milestones, graduations, etc. etc. ahead that will give you a chance to make memories with your loved ones.

wannabigfam · June 2012

No family on either side offered to throw a shower or even mentioned it for our first. It really hurt my feelings, but in the end I realized it's not that big of deal. Honestly it made me more sad I think b/c I was reading stuff online (like on The Bump) about how everyone was having these nice showers, etc. I think in real life, it's just another baby born. Perhaps I'm just jaded though :-)

I had a small work shower (like 7 people) and then a tiny shower with 4 friends (ended up baby came during the shower, so they came to the hospital). None of them were a big deal at all and it made me sad - but what pissed me off (to be honest) was that my family was offended they were not invited to the work shower or the tiny "shower" with 4 friends. These were so small that I was not even asked for a guest list for them, so that's why they were not invited.

Anyway, I would just let it go - move on - celebrate your baby the way you want, and realize that in the end it's okay. I agree for me it wasn't about the presents - people mailed us gifts anyway - it was more about someone close to me wanting to celebrate the occasion. I think I'm more hurt by it honestly now that I'm pregnant w/ my second, because of course it would be rude to have a shower for our 2nd. So it's just too late and I have to let it go.

danabsd · June 2012

KelliLynee:
How do you know they aren't just trying to keep it a surprise?

My first thought.

mavs41 · June 2012

ilovelife:
My mom hosted my first shower. Why does your mom think it's not her place to host? I'd say it's more of her place to host than a friend...jmho!

I had never heard of grandmother-to-be hosting showers before I read about it on the Bump. I always thought it was like MOB hosting a wedding shower. My mom is super old fashioned so I think she would definitely think it's not ok...not that I think that.

bosha711 · June 2012

mavs41:
ilovelife:
My mom hosted my first shower. Why does your mom think it's not her place to host? I'd say it's more of her place to host than a friend...jmho!

I had never heard of grandmother-to-be hosting showers before I read about it on the Bump. I always thought it was like MOB hosting a wedding shower. My mom is super old fashioned so I think she would definitely think it's not ok...not that I think that.

Contrary to this, this board is the first place I've ever heard it being tacky for a MOB/grandma-to-be to host! I guess it all depends on where you are from & what you are used to.

My sisters technically threw my showers, but my mom foot the bills.

What I do think is tacky, though, is asking for a shower, regardless of who it is you're asking. I think it's not something you should expect. If someone happens to throw it for you, then great. But if not, then I would suck it up & move on. I get being upset at the thought that no one is planning anything special for you. In the grand scheme of things, though, it's not that big of a deal.

klm1221 · June 2012

I didnt have a shower for my daughter and wont be having one this time. My mom and MIL both played the "we are jewish" card the first time.. Translation neither one wanted to pay/host a shower.. my wedding shower they did but the cost was split and we helped pay. They both do not like having parties- I have all the holidays by me.

After this baby is born i'm dong a sip and see party?? Did you ever hear of that. You have the party yourself and invite friends/family over for drinks/aps.. I didnt do anything after my daugther and its always bothered me how everyone else gets to do something.

ilovelife · June 2012

Adding to this discussion more...I'd be ok with not having a shower! Mil is throwing my shower 20 days before my rcs. I'm not trying to buy things we still need but i don't want to step foot in a store during those last 2 1/2 weeks to pick up stuff we still need for baby. I only got one thing off my registry for ds's baby shower...the rest of the stuff was clothes, toys, and bath stuff. I was grateful for that, but I rather buy my own stuff....stuff I need!

mlf625 · June 2012

mamaHippo23:
There really is nothing wrong with hosting your own shower. If it's important to you and no one else is able/willing to do it, then why not? Maybe you and your mom could plan it together.

Um, yeah. There IS something wrong with hosting your own shower. It's seriously tacky.

OP, I wouldn't push this. Not everyone gets a shower, it's not the end of the world, and I think it's a bit over the top to push your mom into planning one or recruiting someone to plan one. I didn't have a "real" shower with my first - we lived in TX, my family was back in the midwest, and I didn't have a big group of friends at that point. Honestly? I felt lucky just to be getting a baby, and would've felt like a total brat pouting about not having a shower. Our next door neighbors had a few other neighbors over to play shower games and give us a few small things, and that was that.

Plus, on the off chance there is a surprise (they may not have told your mom in fear that she'd tell you), you're going to feel like an ass.

bdbelladonna · June 2012

i understand your feelings, im kinda in the same boat. my mil said she was throwing me a shower and now shows no interest in it. i mentioned it to my dh and he seems to think she is no longer going to do it. your mom throwing a shower for you would be fine.

macy42 · June 2012

My mom and sister are throwing my shower. I can't stand when people say this is tacky. A shower is meant to honor a woman and her impending arrival (baby), it shouldn't matter if my cousin's aunt's daughter-in-law throws it for me or if my own mom throws it for me. It's all family and very close family friends, and no one gives a hoot that my mother and sister are throwing it for me. If you mom wants to tell her to go for it. And if people are so called "offended" that your mom is hosting your shower, they can suck it.

olsentobe · June 2012

aw I am sorry.

Until I came to the nest I never heard of the mom throwing the shower as being incorrect. My mom threw my 1st shower which was rather large and also just threw my small sprinkle last weekend. In my family the mother always throws the showers, so if your mom is willingly to do it I dont see it as you throwing it.

bosha711 · June 2012

auroraloo:
bosha711:
mavs41:
ilovelife:
My mom hosted my first shower. Why does your mom think it's not her place to host? I'd say it's more of her place to host than a friend...jmho!

I had never heard of grandmother-to-be hosting showers before I read about it on the Bump. I always thought it was like MOB hosting a wedding shower. My mom is super old fashioned so I think she would definitely think it's not ok...not that I think that.

Contrary to this, this board is the first place I've ever heard it being tacky for a MOB/grandma-to-be to host! I guess it all depends on where you are from & what you are used to.
My sisters technically threw my showers, but my mom foot the bills.
What I do think is tacky, though, is asking for a shower, regardless of who it is you're asking. I think it's not something you should expect. If someone happens to throw it for you, then great. But if not, then I would suck it up & move on. I get being upset at the thought that no one is planning anything special for you. In the grand scheme of things, though, it's not that big of a deal.

Again, I will cite the Emily Post institute that says it is perfectly acceptable for the grandmother-to-be to host a baby shower, the mother of the bride should not host a bridal shower.
And she didn't ask for a shower, someone said they were throwing her one. It is perfectly acceptable for her to inquire "Were you still going to throw a shower? I just want to make sure my calendar's clear if you are, and if you aren't, no big deal."
You should not, however ASK your mom to throw you a shower.

I don't really care what the proper etiquette is - I was just pointing out how it's interesting how people feel different ways about what is proper based on what you are used to.

And the bolded is what I was referring to. Since it was suggested she ask her mom to throw the shower. I would not ask someone to throw me a shower.

lindsay.lou · July 2012

My mom hosted my baby shower and (clutch your pearls!) my bridal shower, too!

(She was, however, my Matron of Honor, so....)

Anyways, I understand being bummed about potentially not having a shower. It really is less about the gifts and more about the celebration of your baby, the thoughtfulness, and it's sort of a right of passage, you know?

I hope it all works out and you have a lovely shower.

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