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Dealing with Sibling Jealousy. . .

2-Step2-Step member
in Toddlers: 24 Months+

When my second DS was born I thought I was very lucky because DS#1 was really good with it. He never really acted out in jealousy. He was mad at me a little for awhile, but loved his brother from day one and is really sweet with him.

However, just recently he's started to act out a LOT in jealousy. I assume it is because DS#2 is now old enough to interact with people and he tends to get a lot of attention because he is a very social and very smiley baby, while DS#1 tends to be more shy and standoffish. 

I am not sure how to handle DS#1. For instance, this morning we woke up and made pancakes, played puzzles and had a great time for about an hour. The second DS#2 made a noise we went in to get him, I try to involved DS#1 and ask for his help, but he simply melted down. Immediately screaming that he wants to be picked up and basically rolling on the floor crying for half an hour saying he wants UPPPP! Then he proceeded to whine about everything for the rest of the day. It's like he goes from a happy, well-behaved child to a whiney tantrum throwing mess anytime his brother is around. 

Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with it? I don't want to give him any attention for acting this way, it's getting really hard for both DH and I because eventually it make us snap at him and then I think it perpetuates the situation. I just want my happy little boy back!!

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Re: Dealing with Sibling Jealousy. . .

  • 2-Step2-Step member
    imagehocus:

    We're in the middle of this. Keep in mind that your goal should not be to make your kid happy. On an objective level having a sibling is NOT a great deal for him. Your goal is for him to understand what behavior is acceptable and what it not.

    1. Have a clear and simple expectations for your older child (e.g. waiting your turn, no hitting, no kicking etc).  In my opinion these should not involve helping with the baby unless he enjoys that. You are going to have to let somethings slide though. If your list is more than 10 long it is too much.

    2. Have clear discipline program. THere are plenty of options you can use but overall you need to know what you and your DH will do if the rules above are broken. Time outs are fine. "Toy jails", no TV, etc are also fine. I find that taking the baby into his room and closing the door when my daughter can't control herself works OK. She hates being left out.

    3. Continue to focus on positive periods and find ways in which you can enjoy spending time with both kids.

    4. Prevention! This means looking down the shared space and make it supper child proof, having toys that all kids can play with, perhaps having 2 of some key items. Remove triggers (we for example put away the toy shopping cart because it was just too dangerous to have out since my daughter was trying to run down the baby.).

    Thank you for this. I do a lot of these things already, but then the mommy guilt creeps in and I feel bad and lose my confidence. But I guess that is how bad parenting decisions happen right?! All of these are good things for me to remember to keep things consistent and clear. I think it's time for us to establish some more clear rules rather than just reminding him not to whine. ie. saying - we have a rule about taking turns rather than just telling him to stop whining and wait his turn. I can see how that would give us a more clear path to discipline because he "broke a rule" rather than just "mommy and daddy are sick of hearing it!"

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  • LoveEeyoreLoveEeyore member
    imagehocus:

    We're in the middle of this. Keep in mind that your goal should not be to make your kid happy. On an objective level having a sibling is NOT a great deal for him. Your goal is for him to understand what behavior is acceptable and what it not.

    1. Have a clear and simple expectations for your older child (e.g. waiting your turn, no hitting, no kicking etc).  In my opinion these should not involve helping with the baby unless he enjoys that. You are going to have to let somethings slide though. If your list is more than 10 long it is too much.

    2. Have clear discipline program. THere are plenty of options you can use but overall you need to know what you and your DH will do if the rules above are broken. Time outs are fine. "Toy jails", no TV, etc are also fine. I find that taking the baby into his room and closing the door when my daughter can't control herself works OK. She hates being left out.

    3. Continue to focus on positive periods and find ways in which you can enjoy spending time with both kids.

    4. Prevention! This means looking down the shared space and make it supper child proof, having toys that all kids can play with, perhaps having 2 of some key items. Remove triggers (we for example put away the toy shopping cart because it was just too dangerous to have out since my daughter was trying to run down the baby.).

    Wow- here's a  real pro.  Great advice.  My DD did great as well, until the twins started crawling and touching her toys.  I used a baby gate to build an "ALex-Only" play area in the family room.  She didn't have to share anything in there and no one was allowed to enter.  She quickly learned I would come down swiftly on her if she flipped out when the babies touched something not in her area.  It was strategically placed so that they couldn't get in but she could strategically climb in with furniture properly positioned. 

    As time went on, she started getting lonely and asking them in her space one at a time, and eventually she deconstructed the barriers and made it a play space for everyone.    Good luck

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