Guilt...for second timers plus...

brookemarie1025 · June 2012

I'm sure it's just my hormones, but did or does anyone else feel any guilt towards the LO they have now? I don't know if that makes any sense, but tonight i just really got emotional bc I don't want DS to feel "replaced" or like he doesn't matter anymore bc of the new baby. Can anyone else relate?

Jenn0810 · June 2012

DH & I felt the same way for awhile. Then I got to thinking that I never recall feeling that way when my brother was born (I was around 4 years old.). I remember going to the hospital and seeing him for the first time and he gave my sisters and i a present (well...Mom did, lol). It was exciting. We are pretty close even with the age gap we have.

NicoleR524 · June 2012

I felt guilt when I got pregnant the second time. But when that pregnancy ended in a miscarriage, the worst part was thinking about how the baby we lost was DS's sibling. It pained me to imagine him having a brother or sister after I lost the pregnancy and then when it took many months to become pregnant again, my biggest fear was that DS wouldn't have a sibling. This time I have not felt a twinge of guilt for him because I know it's the best thing for him.

brookemarie1025 · June 2012

NicoleR524:
I felt guilt when I got pregnant the second time. But when that pregnancy ended in a miscarriage, the worst part was thinking about how the baby we lost was DS's sibling. It pained me to imagine him having a brother or sister after I lost the pregnancy and then when it took many months to become pregnant again, my biggest fear was that DS wouldn't have a sibling. This time I have not felt a twinge of guilt for him because I know it's the best thing for him.

WOW! That really put it into prespective for me! Thank you :0) By the way, I like your Ds's name :0)

Ventura and Andrew · June 2012

I feel the same way. My parents did a pretty good job of making sure I was ready when my little sister came. I plan on doing a lot of the same things they did. For instance, my mom would take me to doctors visits so that I could hear the heartbeat, and the sonos. We practiced changing diapers and feeding babydolls. We also read books and stuff like that about how mommy's tummy was growing and what was going on. I think using these things can help prepare your child and make them feel involved and important to the whole process. It also gears them up to help out when the new LO comes and kick starts their big brother or big sister duties.

NicoleR524 · June 2012

brookemarie1025:
NicoleR524:
I felt guilt when I got pregnant the second time. But when that pregnancy ended in a miscarriage, the worst part was thinking about how the baby we lost was DS's sibling. It pained me to imagine him having a brother or sister after I lost the pregnancy and then when it took many months to become pregnant again, my biggest fear was that DS wouldn't have a sibling. This time I have not felt a twinge of guilt for him because I know it's the best thing for him.
WOW! That really put it into prespective for me! Thank you :0) By the way, I like your Ds's name :0)

I honestly felt the same way you described in your OP until I lost the pregnancy. But, I think it's normal to feel guilty. I am in early childhood education and did a parent informative on new siblings and young children. One of the articles I read said that bringing home a new baby is to your 1st child the same as if your spouse brought home another woman. It's the same level of betrayal. BUT as a pp said, preparing the 1st child well, will help to decrease that feeling and make them feel more confident in your love for them and their place in your family.

another few tips include keeping their routine as close to possible. making *sure* to spend time alone with your 1st child every day - even if it's for 10 minutes to read books. Do no have baby on your lap or anything, 100% attention on them. And if you can make this time consistent so that they can think about it and know that it's always coming. And it can be something you can talk about during the day "Remember, after dinner just you and me, we'll take a walk around the block together. It's not too much longer."

and also having the older sibling help as much as possible. even if it seems like little things - have them run to grab a diaper, hold the newbies' hand while you are nursing, get a blanket, turn on music, anything to make them feel like you need them there to get by.

And yes, Love your name choice too

utgirl2 · June 2012

I felt really guilty. The first six weeks were hard. I could tell that he liked his brother and was curious about him, but I knew that he was sad. He never told me he was, but as his mom, I knew he was sad. After 6 weeks things got much better. Now my oldest is 4 and his brother is 15 months and they play together and laugh and seem like great buds. I'm about 6 weeks pregnant with my last baby and now i am feeling guilty about what things will be like when I deliver this baby and how the then 2 year old will react.

MSUMamaof2 · June 2012

I remember having a breakdown on the phone with my mother toward the end of my pregnancy with my 2nd son and saying, "What am I doing to Sam? He'll never hae me to himself anymore." She told me I was helping him to be a better person by giving him a sibling. Her reasoning was that he'll learn to share his toys, share his attention, etc. That has totally been the case.

I have guilt this time around thinking about what it will do to my youngest. He's completely Mommy's Little Boy. He hates seeing me with other babies and I'm pretty sure he's going to be wrecked for a while following delivery. It's going to be hard, but I feel like I'm helping him, too.

magel050485 · June 2012

Yup. Our Jack is only 7 months. I'm sad that he isn't going to remember being the only one. He already shares me with his cousins a lot but we are going to have the baby bring him a gift so he doesn't feel so jipped.

jarjules8208 · June 2012

I can relate. I feel like how can I love someone else as much as I love DS?

pitterpatter129 · June 2012

I totally feel guilty! It doesn't help that we are trying to move DS into "big boy" behavior. We need to wean him from the pacifier and he's starting to wean himself from breastfeeding. We moved him awhile ago to a big boy bed from bedsharing with us. I think since he will only be just barely two when the new baby comes, he might have some issues with the baby getting to sleep with mommy and having pacifiers and breastmilk. If he weren't already beginning to wean himself and I wasn't sore and ready for my boobs back, I would encourage him to not wean and I would just tandem nurse to avoid that one. I also feel guilty that it will never be just the two of us again. We spend a lot of time together. I'm kind of sad about that ending, but I know I will love the new baby just as much and that we will arrange our family structure to include everyone. I can't imagine my life without my sister, but I remember not being very happy when they first introduced her! (I was 4.)

CutieBean79 · June 2012

Fears sneak in sometimes, but I try to look at this new baby as a gift to our DD and our entire family.

mest1215 · June 2012

i for sure felt this way when i was pregnancy with my second child. I felt like i was going to turn my daughters whole world upside down, and i felt guilty about that, and i felt guilty bc i felt like I couldnt possibly imagine loving another child as much as i loved my daughter. And as i got further along, i started to let that guilt and worry go, as i was head over heals in love with my son!!! Its amazing how your heart just makes room without you even having to try!! And when he was born, him and my daughter have been best buddies ever since. Now i look at it and think what a wonderful experience i would be keeping her from, if she didnt have the sibling love and companionship they have now!!!!

LadyNikon · June 2012

Why would you feel guilty for making a playmate and sibling for your child? You just have to remember to give some one on one time to the child so that DS knows that you love him and always will

. Never feel guilty for bringing another life into the world.

MoreThanABride · June 2012

When I got pregnant last summer, my DD had just turned 1 and I felt really bad that I got a surprise BFP. I felt like she was still a baby and having 2 under 2 would be taking away some of her babyhood. I ended up losing that baby and then felt guilty that I wasn't more excited for it at the beginning.

Now I sometimes feel a little sad that we won't have as much Mama and DD time, but I don't really feel guilty. I feel like it is a gift that I am giving her to have a sibling. I think that now that she is 2 instead of 1 it makes a big difference to me.

Rocklandholly · June 2012

Def feeling gulty and worried. DS is so attached to me and wants to be picked up all the time if I am in the room, but is much more independent when my husband is with him. He's going to be 20 months when the baby arrives and I don't know how to prepare him for it as he's so young....

eb1113 · June 2012

When I got my BFP that was one of the things that kept me from getting super excited. I was so worried about DD and how she'd react to a sibling. I am doing better with it now and just trying to enjoy every minute I spend with just her. I'm also starting to think of things that she and I can do when the baby is born to make sure she knows she is still loved and important.

coastiewifey88 · June 2012

Yes, horribly guilty! Same exact feelings. Plus I dont know how I could love another LO as much as I love my DD. Is that weird? I'm sure there is plenty of love to go around, but maybe we're just thinking about things too much! lol glad to know I'm not alone tho!

Mrs.DeliaMarieP · June 2012

I guess I can relate because I have thought of it, and will be doing everything I can to prevent it from happening. I felt that way when my sister was born, so I want to try to prevent it as much as possible for DS by making sure to include him in helping to care for the baby when possible, and also by having separate time for him with me, and with DH, and with both of us, without the baby. But, also having time for all 4 of us together, too.

It's such a fine line, and I think it's totally normal to feel some anxiety about it.

dande2129 · June 2012

I know what you mean. And yes, I do have guilt. My guilt is slightly different....

XH and I separated (we probably never should have been married in the first place) when DS was 6 months old. A few months later, I met my (now) FI. For over half of his life, FI has been the father figure to my son. FI is perfect and beautiful with him, and vice versa.

I worry about the confusion that may set in, and the hurt feelings for DS when it's Sunday, and he goes with his father for a couple hours but FI, me and the baby are all off to do something together because baby IS with his father. I worry that this baby is a boy, and DS won't feel like FI's son anymore because now he has a "real" son.

If he saw his father more, I think it may be easier to explain... but he sees him once a week (sometimes weeks are skipped) for a couple of hours. That's it. DS doesn't get sad when "daddy" leaves. He just says, "BYE!" So yeah, I worry about jealousy in that the baby gets to stay with us while he has to go.

Kingston54 · June 2012

Yes, I just started to worry about this. On one hand I'm worried for LO who is used to being #1 and I don't want him to feel left out. However, I'm also worried for #2 because #1 is so loved and idolized by the family - I don't want him/her to feel like they don't matter just as much! It's hard!

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