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February 2013 Moms
emma+karen
member
Telling TTTC friends...
emma+karen
member
I'd love some advice here...
There's a couple that we are very close with (actually our former pastor and her husband) who have been TTC since they got married over 4 years ago. Since we are so close, they have shared a lot of their struggles with us so we know how hard it has been for them to try to conceive.
I'm nervous about telling them we're pregnant...and feeling guilty since we got PG on just our 2nd attempt. I don't want them to just find out via Facebook...these are people we may be considering asking to be our child's godparents. But I'm struggling with how to share the news with them without causing pain or hurt.
Thoughts?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Telling TTTC friends...
If they are your friends, they will be truly happy for you! And I bet they will feel blessed to be godparents to your baby!
I would invite them over for dinner and tell them the good news and tell them that it means a lot to you and your husband to have their support and prayers. I really bet they will be very happy for you!
I've learned that it's best to tell them in a way that allows them to react sadly without hurting your feelings. Maybe you could email them and tell the news and then follow up with a phone call the next day.
My SIL has a medical condition that has caused her to become infertile in the last two years. She found out right after she got married and is heartbroken that she cannot have children. Last time I was pregnant our other SIL was pregnant at the same time and it nearly killed our infertile SIL. My first thought with this pregnancy was "how am I going to break the news without devastating my SIL"? My MIL told me to call her, which I did, but it was a big mistake. She cried on the phone with me and it was extremely uncomfortable. I decided from this point on that if news like this needs to be broken, it's best done in a way that allows the person hearing it to respond privately the way they need to emotionally.
SIL has since decided she can't be around me. It's too hard for her right now. I've been asked to come to family functions late so that SIL can come when I'm not there. It's just a terrible situation for everyone. Don't be surprised if there is a slight strain in your relationship with your friends having TTTC for a while.
I would email her. That way she can react the way she wants. Let her take the lead. If you tell her and she wants to know more let her know. Never complain about your pregnancy to her.
I would say: hi, I wanted to send you this email so that I could be sensitive to your feelings. I'm pregnant. I'm still here for you guys and I think about you all the time. I want you to know that you can still talk to me and I want to be there for you.
Clomid- No response
Metformin 1500 mg Femara 5mg + Trigger + TI Round 2 = BFP!
Beta 13DPO: 115, Beta 16dpo: 561 BFP Chart
Do not do this. If after the email they want to get together fine but to make them sit through a meal when their hearts may be breaking is awful. I say from experience.
Clomid- No response
Metformin 1500 mg Femara 5mg + Trigger + TI Round 2 = BFP!
Beta 13DPO: 115, Beta 16dpo: 561 BFP Chart
Thats so sweet of you to consider them...we have had TTTC with my PCOS and other friends of ours got pregnant in the meantime (with the losses and TTTC) and one couple announced their pregnancy in a large group setting and FB and kinda...avoided us a little which hurt...another friend of mine told me privately and seemed sensitive to me...I wasnt hurt by either announcement but the way they went about it was the difference, know what I mean?
I think if you and your DH sit down with the two of them....and tell them that way and dont make it sad or have the "pity eyes" i'm sure they will be happy for you! we for sure were for all of our friends who got pregnant...granted there were times it was really hard for me but that was my own battle....you sound like wonderful friends...just tell them face to face alone that would be the best IMHO....
Granted thats me...I see other posters saying email them...it really depends on how close you are...if you visit in person maybe let the announcement be one of the last things of the night....for me I would have liked to hear it in person..an email is also okay I guess..
I have to agree. As someone who has been there, multiple times, do not put her on the spot. She's going to feel like she has to fake happiness (and I'm not saying she won't be happy for you, but she'll probably be sad for herself at the same time), and she'll probably feel like she's not doing a good job covering, which she'll probably feel guilty about. Give them some space to digest the news.
DX: 6/9/2011: Azoo ICSI/IVF only option for biological child
IVF #1: ER - 9/26 * ET - 10/1 * beta#1 10/13 - 140 * beta#2 10/17 - 477 * beta#3 10/20 - 1101
1st u/s at 6w6d - one hb * 2nd u/s at 8w3d - no hb detected 11/10/11 * natural m/c 11/13/11
FET #1 Jan/Feb 2012 - 3 delays - cancelled 2/13
FET #1.2 - May/June 2012 - ET 6/6/* beta#1 6/15 - 95 * beta #2 6/19 - 322 * beta #3 6/22 - 940
7/6 1st u/s @ 7 weeks - one beautiful hb - released from RE
EDD 2/22/2013
PAIF/SAIF/PGAL welcome
I don't agree with this. I havent personally experienced IF, but having had my own issues with my losses, I can tell you that I have had a very difficult time being "truly happy" for my friends when I have been stuck in my own grief. My inability to ooh and ahh and gush over their new announcement doesnt mean I love them any less or I am not their friend.
Also, I think I would have probably died if someone had sprung their pregnancy on me at a dinner after my losses. I would email them and let them absorb the information for themselves, give them an opportunity to react however they feel, and then when they are ready, and if they want to, you can have dinner.
He's my fairytale, a dream when I'm not sleeping.
<a href="http://s279.photobucket.com/albums/kk121/behapybride/?action=viewWhat ellephunt said. Please, please do not invite them over to share the news. That is an incredibly selfish thing to do - to force them into a situation in which they may just want to go and cry to mourn what they can't (yet) have but instead have to smile and make small talk.
It sounds like you really care for these people. I suggest you send them an e-mail, tell them how much you care for them and know how they are struggling with TTC. Tell them that you will follow their lead on talking about your pregnancy. If they aren't ready to talk about it, then they shouldn't ask about it and you won't say anything. If they are ok with it, then they should feel free to ask questions and you will answer. Tell them not to feel as though they have to pretend everything's ok when it's not. The e-mail will give them a chance to react how they actually want to, which is probably to cry, instead of having to force a smile. Once they've processed the initial pain, then their happiness for you may start to win over again. And rest assured, they will be happy for you. It can just be very hard to express that when they're hurting so much.
Also, please do not complain about your symptoms around them. She would probably be willing to take on the worst m/s in the world if it meant a healthy baby in 9 months.
BFP1: DD1 born April 2011 at 34w1d via unplanned c/s due to HELLP, DVT 1 week PP
BFP3: DD2 born Feb 2013 at 38w4d via unplanned RCS due to uterine dehiscence
I just found out yesterday that a close friend of mine found out she has a veryveryvery slight chance of conceiving on her own, even with IVF it isn't looking to pretty.
she found this out on the day I got my BFP.
I'm so heartbroken for her, and even though she told me she wants to hear all about our baby, I still can't help but feel like I need to be sensitive to her situation.
I like the email idea. I got pregnant with DD on my first attempt (after being adamant I would not have children for like 10 more years) Meanwhile, my brother and SIL had been trying for 4 years.
In this situation, I didn't think email was the best idea. I told them face to face. My sister in law hugged me and cried, out of joy for me, and out of sorrow for herself. I found myself trying to comfort her.
I think email is the best idea, that way, if she needs to cry or be angry, she can be. Leave out the part about how long you have been trying, obviously.
THIS! I dealt with infertility for 12 years and it was like a hole burned through my heart every time someone announced their pregnancy. I needed time to process the information and grieve for myself. I would have given anything to be happy for them but it always seemed to put me in a state of depression for a while. It is very hard for anyone who has not experience infertility to understand the feelings and emotions involved but I would highly suggest NOT telling them to their face and finding another way to do it. And definitely DO NOT complain about your pregnancy symptoms around them. GL!
IUI#3 - Jan 6 IVF#1 -5/18 - stims start (225 gonal f, 75 menopur, 5 lupron) ER 5/29 - 14R, 11M, 7F. 6/1 - Transferred 2 8cell embryos (grade 1 and 2). 8dp3dt +HPT, Beta#1 - 92, Beta #2 - 174, Beta#3 - 614, Beta#4 - 2010. 6wk u/s - TWINS! Baby A 114bpm, Baby B 112 bpm
This is a great thread.
I have a coworker who is TTTC over 40 and I don't know how to tell her. I love the e-mail idea but the only real contact we have is at work...
2 babies in heaven (mc)
Blog: ForLoveofCupcakes.com
You could send an e-mail to her work address, or write a card and bring it by her desk at the end of the day on a Friday (not the beginning of the day). That way she has the weekend to process things before she comes to work again on Monday.
BFP1: DD1 born April 2011 at 34w1d via unplanned c/s due to HELLP, DVT 1 week PP
BFP3: DD2 born Feb 2013 at 38w4d via unplanned RCS due to uterine dehiscence
Email, definitely email.
As nice as you may intend an in-person tell to be....... do it via email so she can cry it out or be mad.
Yes!! Do NOT do this in person. It's cruel. Allow her to have some space to process this. Please email her.
If someone spouse just died would you gush on and on about your perfect marriage? No. You would be sensitive out of love (or I hope you would!) no one is saying that she needs to put her life on hold. They are just advising her (because she asked for advice) on a more sensitive and loving way to share this news while giving them space to experience any emotion they need.
Im so thankful that all of my IRL friend cared and loved me enough to show me this small courtesy of emailing me their baby announcements when I was struggling.
I've been on both sides of the spectrum...sort of.
I've had two previous losses. My BFF has, as well. We've both been very open with one another about our pregnancies. She is one of the only friends of mine that know right now. I felt like I should tell her right away. I don't mention the pregnancy a lot to her at all.
Right after I had my second miscarriage (or false positive as my new OB terms it now), I found out my oldest friend was pregnant. I found out because she basically told every one but me. I was really hurt that she just didn't tell me herself. I had to find out through other people. Then when I called her to congratulate her she lied to me about it. Then proceeded to say,"Okay, well I think I'm pregnant but I haven't been to the doctor yet. If it makes you feel better I've been sick for the past week and I wish I hadn't done this." Wrong thing to say. I didn't talk to her for awhile. Then she told me she knew she was pregnant before Halloween but didn't tell anyone because she was so early and wanted to drink at the Halloween party. True story.
My point is-definitely tell them. Be up front and honest...and be very careful with how everything is put. I'm sure they will be very happy for you!
I'm sorry that is just not a valid argument. I don't even see how you can compare those two!
How is telling someone via email "putting their life on hold for someone else's feelings" ?
If you are a good friend, you'll care about how someone who has struggled will react to your news and the best way possible FOR THEM to process your news.
Look I think you and who ever posted earlier are looking and reading way to far into my comment. I never said anything about not caring for other feelings!
you need to read this below from the IF support group and you need to be very sensitive, IF is very hard and its an emotional roller coaster, there are good days and there are bad days...
https://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/
please dont invite them over for dinner to tell them, that will be a slap in their face right now...you do need to tell them and its important you tell her if you are close to her, once you tell her she will need some time to process it all..so she might want want to leave and not talk to you for a while, which doesnt mean she isnt happy for you but she is just sad or herself...
I'm sorry, how was "People can't put their life on hold because of someone else's feelings" supposed to be taken other than she shouldn't worry about how she feels when she tells her.