Scared and upset

Zmozina · June 2012

I got good news yesterday, my beta was 40 and the nurse (I go to a fertility clinic) seemed really excited and happy for me. Hoping for 80 or higher tomorrow at my next beta test. I told her I'd had cramping and spotting, and she said that was totally normal and very common in early pregnancy, and not to worry about it, and just to take it easy.

Yesterday evening the cramping kicked up to pretty strong, constant cramps and instead of pinkish blood when I wiped, it turned bright red. Not enough to soak into a pad, but definitely way more than just a hint. Like, if I didn't know better, I'd say I'd gotten my period. I called the nurse this morning, and told her what was happening and she sounded worried. She said there's nothing they can do except wait it out, and to keep hoping that it's a good pregnancy. She said that bleeding can happen, but sometimes things can work out. She didn't sound all that reassuring, and considering her job, I'm sure she's seen it all and doesn't want to give me false hope.

I feel so alone and scared.

I don't have a good relationship with my mother. She likes to cause drama. However, she also struggled with infertility herself, and finally had me and my brother after a lot of losses. So I'm torn about seeking her advice.

When she found out about my infertility issues, all she could do was talk about how at least I didn't have to deal with 6 miscarriages in a row like SHE did when she was trying to get pregnant, and maybe I wouldn't get pregnant at all, and that way I wouldn't have to feel like she did. Stuff like that. So, we haven't told my parents or DH's parents anything. My mom told me in the past that "I got my period the first 3 months I was pregnant with you", and now I'm bleeding and I'm holding onto hope that I might have a similar experience my mom did when she was pregnant with me ... bleeding, but still managed to have me.

I don't want to call her to ask advice because I KNOW she'll start crying and carrying on that I'm having a miscarriage, and it'll bring all the memories back for her, and she'll go on and on and on about how hard it was for her. Then she'll get hysterical (she does that quite often) and need to take a tranquilizer, and then my father will get on the phone and accuse me of upsetting my mother on purpose. Even though I'm the one freaking out here. It's kind of sad, but I can predict these things by now.

For example, when we found out about my endometriosis, and maybe we wouldn't have kids because of the severity, I tried to pretend to be all brave and non-chalant and shrugged and said "Well, maybe we just won't have kids. Lots of people don't have kids and live full and wonderful lives. It's not the end of the world." My mom acted like I'd just murdered a basketful of kittens in front of her.

So, I'm alone and scared, and hoping maybe someone on this board might have some words of wisdom or comfort. Or the cold hard truth. I just don't know what to do other than stay on the couch or in bed all day and sending sticky thoughts to my little miracle in there...

jenn&tim05 · June 2012

Oh gosh honey Im so sorry you are dealing with this, and hopefully you wont feel alone on the board.

I know what you mean about family......mine is very complicated as well and they dont know. I have relied on my friends - who are really more like family.

I wish I could tell you something reassuring but I dont have exp with your situation so I cant. I did spot with my first but it was in the 6w timeframe and it was brown only.

Will they not see you today? Or is it just too early?

Ill have you in my thoughts today please keep us posted and Im giving you a big E-hug!

HappySweetLuv · June 2012

I'm sorry for what you are going through, but you are not alone. The bump is a great place to look for information and advice. With all the research I've done online I've found out that bleeding can happen in early pregnancy and there are women who still deliver. My mom told me the other day that when she was pregnant with me she bled for the 1st two month and had to go on bed rest. I think you should consider getting a second professional opinion. As long as you take it easy I'm sure all will work out. Fingers crossed for you.

All the best.

ALKR10292012 · June 2012

I am so sorry... we are here for you. Please keep us posted. I am sorry you are going through this.

MoreThanABride · June 2012

I'm sorry you're going through this. Honestly it doesn't sound good at all to me. If it is going to be a loss there is nothing you or anyone can do, so please don't blame yourself. You have to just wait it out.

I hope you get a miracle and your baby is just scaring you.

It sounds like you should avoid your mom, it doesn't seem like she would be helpful at all.

HoustonMama09 · June 2012

I've been thinking about you. I'm so sorry, sending hugs and prayers your way. Hoping that the bleeding is just like what your mom experienced when she was pregnant with you. I've heard several women go through this. I have no words of wisdom for you. Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you and sending positive baby vibes your way. It sounds like talking with your mom would just create more drama, which is the last thing you need right now.

Keep us updated.

gravytrain225 · June 2012

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I've been there myself. I don't want to give you false hope either, it doesn't sound good. I am going to go against the grain, but I did not find the loss boards on here too helpful. They made me mourn my loss and linger on it, than I would have if I would have just dealt with it myself. One thing I wish I did differently was consulting Dr. Google for everything. Please please stay away from it.

Another piece of advice is that people do not know how to deal with miscarriage. I don't know who you told, but we lost our baby at 9 weeks, so most my family knew. Some of my family has never ever mentioned it to me. Don't take it personal, people just don't know what to say and don't want to say the wrong thing, so they say nothing.

Hugs.

Zmozina · June 2012

It is too early for the doctor to do anything. I'm now 10 days post transfer (2 6-day blastocysts were put in), so it's really up to my body and luck.

I've been lying in bed, and my cramps seem to have gotten better and I just went pee and the blood has slowed down (now it's reddish brown and barely there).

I'm hopeful, but also realistic.

Unfortunately, I've been Googling since 6 this morning. I will get away from it - all the information is conflicting anyway.

The only other person who knows I'm pregnant other than DH is my friend Eva, who knew we were going through IVF treatments (I had to tell someone). We weren't going to tell anyone else, including our parents, until I was through the first trimester. I'm overweight, so it would be easy to hide unless I got HUGE for some reason.

All I can do is wait. And that scares me.

CityGirl07 · June 2012

Good luck, I hope it works out for you. Please keep us posted. You are in my thoughts! I know how hard the waiting is - it really sucks. I'm sorry your family isn't more supportive. I think at this point I wouldn't mention it to your mom. Sounds like it will just make you feel worse because she won't be able to give you what you need emotionally.

Le Olive · June 2012

If your mom will react that way, do not call her. You seriously don't need that crap.

I hope everything's ok. I totally understand your anxiety.

Whatever+Ever · June 2012

Thinking of you; sorry you are going through this. It's wise that you're sharing this experience - I honestly believe that writing out thoughts, feelings, and events help us to process them. And you're definitely not alone. Many women have gone through the same thing and understand the feeling of frustration and helplessness. Keep us posted!

Oh, and as for your mom - it's a difficult and sensitive decision whether or not to share what's happening. Remember, her issues are hers, not yours. If you do decide to tell her, you may begin by making it clear that you need her support with something like "I know you've been through similar things, and I'm really scared and upset and I need your support right now..." Then again, I'd completely see not telling her if you believe she'd respond in an unhelpful way.

Best of luck!

Zmozina · June 2012

I have been lying in bed all morning thinking "Just stay there, please just stay". Every time I have to pee, I'm scared to wipe, scared to see anything. However, I just peed, and it looks like it stopped for now. The cramps are gone too. Huh?

After the last 3 years of being "invaded" vaginally by doctors, needles and needles and needles, and disappointment galore - I just guess I'm kind of angry that maybe this will end before it really starts.

We only had the money for one go at this, we didn't get any frozen embryos because my egg quality was poor (thanks to endometriosis), and the my EDD is the day after DH's birthday ... what a great gift this would be if it works.

Hoping for the best tomorrow with my beta, and that this is all the bleeding I'll do this month. Only time will tell.

Oh yeah, I'm not going to call my mom. No matter if I asked her to be calm and supportive, she'd get hysterical - plus she would tell everyone. It's really horrible, but I really do think that my mom suffers from an attention disorder - not bad enough to ever hurt us as kids, but she seemed to like the attention she got when we were sick (both my brother and I suffered from lung problems, scarlet fever and multiple infections that landed us in the hospital). Anytime anything remotely negative happens, my mom calls everyone and wails and cries and loves the attention. I love her, I really do, and I know she loves me in her way - but she just never got past the "Look at me!!!" phase in her life and she married a man who has just fed that for the past 40 years.

MeenaJo · June 2012

I'm very sorry you're going through this! Praying you get some good news!

APrice4UT · June 2012

I really hope this is a sticky baby for you!

Maybe this is just a hematoma or implantation bleeding. Don't assume the worst because you never know! Good luck!

tradster2007 · June 2012

I'm so sorry that you are going through this right now. Sending all the positive thoughts I can to you to keep that baby growing. I'm very happy that you're feeling better now and I hope we all get to continue sharing this journey together.

Zmozina · June 2012

My beta came back at 64, it went up, but didn't double.

Considering the bleeding, and the cramping, BUT the numbers went up, my RE is recommending I stay on my progesterone treatments (3 times a day suppository, and once a night orally) and basically go on bed rest. He said that good things CAN happen, but he's not optimistic, but we'd be silly to stop all progesterone and not give this a chance. If the levels went up, then that means something is hanging in there, and we have to see it through.

If the bleeding escalates to soaking a pad, then I'm to go to an ER and tell them I'm pregnant and possibly miscarrying, so that they can make an assessment and perhaps perform a D&C on me if necessary or give me some medication, depending on their findings.

My next beta will be Thursday, and at that point, they will be making a decision about the viability of my pregnancy.

*sigh* Way to spend the long weekend and our anniversary (which is tomorrow).

jenn&tim05 · June 2012

Thanks for updating, been thinking of you.

Sounds like you are on the right track with your docs decisions etc. Hopefully the bed rest and the progesterone will do the trick! Hugs and prayers!

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