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Natural Birth
nicholssquared
member
My DH and tearing during delivery (vent)
nicholssquared
member
Coming out of lurkdom on this board because I have to share something my DH said to me at lunch today.
We were discussing L&D and DS1. You know when the OB/MW starts coaching you to slow down with the pushing because the baby is crowning and they don't want you to tear? Well, with DS1 I was very much so enjoying my natural birth experience, but I really didn't give two flying flips about tearing at that point (for whatever reason) and basically decided to do what I felt like doing anyway. I felt pretty justified at the time. Well, DH says to me today, "You should really try harder to listen this time around."
Maybe he legitimately just has my best interest at heart and doesn't want me to tear. However, all I felt in response to this was a TON of supressed rage which manifested itself in the form of "DON'T JUDGE ME YOU HAVE NO IDEA!!!!!!" To which I proceeded to explain that if someone had his balls in a vice and was causing him an equivalent amount of pain, he might trade a little tearing for some immediate relief.
That being said, I do intend to try harder, but I'm not going to hold myself accountable for what I may or may not choose to do as the baby is crowning.
Anyone else have similar comments expelled from DH/SO? What was your reaction? Was I too hard on him?
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Re: My DH and tearing during delivery (vent)
I had like a 1st degree tear with DS#1 (and pushed for almost 2 hours), so no comments there from the peanut gallery. However, with DS#2 I ended up getting an emergency episiotomy since he was a surprise vaginal breech and recently when I was talking with DH about this next birth he just said, "Well, whatever you do, I don't want to ever watch an episiotomy or tearing from that again. Can you make that happen?"
So I bet it made your DH squeamish to see tearing on his wife.
...baby #3 is here...
I TOTALLY understand your reaction. Getting advice (or worse even judgement) from some one who has never walked a step in your shoes is, well, Annoying!
I would have to consider his tone to see if you were justified. If he said it with concern, then back peddled when he realized he upset you- It's probably best to let it go. He might have only meant it as advice so your recovery is quicker this time. Maybe that's his way of being supportive since he can't really help you all that much as far as pain relief goes.
But if he said it in a know it all, holier than thou tone, I say Bravo on ripping him a new one mama!
With my last pregnancy I had these horrible fish oil pills that gave me fish burbs really bad. I woke up in the middle of the night one night with a horrible fish taste in my mouth. I begged Dh to get me some OJ quick! He decided to tell me that water was probably a better option if I was feeling sick... As I was dry heaving in the toilet, I said OJ PLEASE. he kept on going about how OJ would upset my stomach more. I lost it. Screaming, eyes bugging out, I shouted at him exorcist style but it was too late. I threw up before he came back up stairs. I made him sleep on the couch after that bc I was just so angry! Seems silly now, but dammit I know my body better. If I say OJ get me a darn glass of OJ and shut up about it
med-free birth x2, breastfeeding, baby wearing SAHM
My BFP Chart
While I don't doubt that you're right and he's probably just looking out for me, I honestly don't remember complaining about the tearing and the stitches that much.
I would have reacted the same way. I had a 3rd degree tear with my first after pushing for 3.5 hours (and being in labor for 40 hours). I just wanted her OUT. I could have probably slowed down or breathed her out more, but I just wanted to be done.
I was totally planning on breathing the baby down this time around, but had no choice. My MW and DH could have told me to slow down till they were blue in the face and it wouldn't have made a difference. My body wanted to push...and in the end I didn't tear at all.
Only you and your body know what is best. I think your response was totally justified.
My DH and I had actually talked about episiotomy's and tearing before birth, his feeling was that he didn't want anything to do with the "business" end of birth and would rather just hold my hand and support me emotionally. My doula and a nurse held my legs when it was needed and provided extra physical support and my hubby petted my head and provided emotional stability.
I think you are totally justified with your response. At the end of the day, the only thing men are allowed to say about birth is "I support your choice so long as it does not endanger anyone's life"