How can I stop this?

CFjo2010 · June 2012

The kids left for their father?s last week, and all I?ve heard from them is how bored and miserable they are. Then on Saturday my daughter calls me crying because her brother (XH?s new son who is 4) kicked her in the face. Apparently they were playing a game and she won, so the brat kicked her in the face. I asked if her father reprimanded him and she said they just made him go to bed early. I asked her if there was a bruise and she said there was. Then I emailed XH and asked him what happened and was told, "Mind your business". Um, if my daughter is getting kicked in the face, I?m pretty sure it is my business. This is the same little brat that last Summer called my daughter a "b!tch" and all XH and his wife did was laugh. I know it?s not fair to hate a child, but I really dislike that little monster and the terrible parenting (or lack thereof) that goes on over there.

Then today my daughter calls me to chat. I asked if she?s having any fun and what kind of exciting things she?s been doing and she says, "nothing". She went on to say that her father is just sitting on the couch watching TV while her little brother is outside playing by himself. I asked where my son is and she said he?s in their room playing on his Kindle. I tried telling her that sometimes adults need "downtime", and she says, "But he?s always watching TV and not playing with us.". Cue the tears. She starts crying and saying she wants to come home (it?s been 1 week and 1 day) and that she misses me, K and her "real" dad (my husband I?m assuming). It breaks my heart that she?s so miserable out there. These phonecalls are pretty frequent when she visits XH.

Is it really too much to ask that XH get off his butt and spend some quality time with the kids when they visit? I mean really, they?re only there for 2 weeks once a year. I?m with them every day and we rarely (if ever) have lazy days where we get to sit on the couch watching TV. It seems like the kids are more miserable spending time with him then being away from him. As for the little monster, I know he?s only 4 but is there really anyway I can keep him from hurting my daughter? I don?t want to be that person that says a 4 year-old is physically abusing my daughter, but she doesn?t feel safe around him. Input?

CFjo2010 · June 2012

wendilea:

Unfortunately, you have no control or input on what goes on at XH's house. If he chooses to sit on his @ss for 2 weeks and not engage his kids, that's his choice. It sucks for the kids, but you can't do anything about it.

You could encourage your daughter to find things to do. She can play a game with her sib, draw, play outside, etc. She may be used to being entertained and may need to be prodded to find things to do herself, since her dad is a lazy douchebag. Yes, it sucks, believe me I know it sucks.

As far as the little one kicking her, it IS a concern. Keep in mind, though, that you're only getting your daughter's version of what happened. It may not be as bad as she's making it out to be, but she knows she can play on your emotions. Anything you say to XH will come across negatively, and I'm not sure how you could address it without him being defensive. Is there any way you can Skype or FaceTime with her, so you can see for yourself if she has a bruise, and how bad the bruise is? Can she take a picture with her cell phone and send it to you? If it truly is bruised, document it.

I'm so sorry the kids are having a crappy visit.

Thanks Wendi. I know I can't control what happens out there, it just bothers me that she always seems upset when she visits. I'm annoyed at his lack of involvment with the kids, but I'm most upset by the behavior of his son and him hurting my daughter.

As for the kicking... The way I approached it will XH was "R said she got hurt while playing with her little brother, but wasn't clear on the details. Can you fill in the blanks for me?" I tried as hard as possible to be open about it and not come across as accusing anyone of anything. Since he refused to offer any input, I had my son take a picture on his cellphone. He text me the picture but it's not very clear. The bite marks on her arm however, are very clear. I don't even know if Courts will take sibling "abuse" into consideration. I wish there was a way to limit the amount of contact she has with the brat until he either grows out of this violent stage or until XH starts actually parenting him.

Littlejen22 · June 2012

I did not read this all bc you sound insane to me calling a 4yo that you are not around a brat and acting like a 3yo calling someone a *** is being malicious. And maybe I am too lax in my parenting but I try not to make a big deal if my kids say bad words because that makes them say it more (I try not to laugh) and I have been known to make a huge deal out of the word hate (never used at someone) and no deal except telling a 3yo not to say a curse word, DD is 3 and does not understand curse words so I will not give them power. If he was sent to bed early then he WAS reprimanded. What would you have done, kicked the kid back? How were you when you called BD? I have a feeling you were freaking out which would make anyone defensive.

CFjo2010 · June 2012

Littlejen22:
I did not read this all bc you sound insane to me calling a 4yo that you are not around a brat and acting like a 3yo calling someone a *** is being malicious. And maybe I am too lax in my parenting but I try not to make a big deal if my kids say bad words because that makes them say it more (I try not to laugh) and I have been known to make a huge deal out of the word hate (never used at someone) and no deal except telling a 3yo not to say a curse word, DD is 3 and does not understand curse words so I will not give them power. If he was sent to bed early then he WAS reprimanded. What would you have done, kicked the kid back? How were you when you called BD? I have a feeling you were freaking out which would make anyone defensive.

If you read my response to Wendi, you'll see that the way I asked my XH about what happened was as non-accusatory as possible: "R said she got hurt while playing with her little brother, but wasn't clear on the details. Can you fill in the blanks for me?". As for calling him a brat, yes I think he is a brat. Based on what my son and daughter tell me happens when they see him, I can tell he's not being parented or disciplined for his behavior. When a child physically hurts someone, you make them apologize and explain what why what they did was wrong. You don't just say, "well tonight you're going to bed early", and then take the kid for ice cream. This 4 year-old is constantly hitting, kicking ad biting my daughter when she's out there. When a 4 year old is consistently saying words like "b!tch" "sh!t" and the lovely c-word, there is a problem in that household.

Ginlyn0 · June 2012

Littlejen22:
I did not read this all bc you sound insane to me calling a 4yo that you are not around a brat and acting like a 3yo calling someone a *** is being malicious. And maybe I am too lax in my parenting but I try not to make a big deal if my kids say bad words because that makes them say it more (I try not to laugh) and I have been known to make a huge deal out of the word hate (never used at someone) and no deal except telling a 3yo not to say a curse word, DD is 3 and does not understand curse words so I will not give them power. If he was sent to bed early then he WAS reprimanded. What would you have done, kicked the kid back? How were you when you called BD? I have a feeling you were freaking out which would make anyone defensive.

This. And sibling abuse.....lol. I can't remember how old your DD is but saying she is being abused by her 4 yo old sibling is pretty ridiculous.

CFjo2010 · June 2012

gin9874:

Littlejen22:
I did not read this all bc you sound insane to me calling a 4yo that you are not around a brat and acting like a 3yo calling someone a *** is being malicious. And maybe I am too lax in my parenting but I try not to make a big deal if my kids say bad words because that makes them say it more (I try not to laugh) and I have been known to make a huge deal out of the word hate (never used at someone) and no deal except telling a 3yo not to say a curse word, DD is 3 and does not understand curse words so I will not give them power. If he was sent to bed early then he WAS reprimanded. What would you have done, kicked the kid back? How were you when you called BD? I have a feeling you were freaking out which would make anyone defensive.

This. And sibling abuse.....lol. I can't remember how old your DD is but saying she is being abused by her 4 yo old sibling is pretty ridiculous.

She's almost 9, and I agree that saying she's being "abused" sounds silly (that's why I used quotes). But she is being subjected to something and I'm not sure what to call it. My son and daughter didn't behave this way at the age of 4, and it concerns me that the behavior is escalating. Doesn't it seem excessive that a 4 year-old is hitting, biting, kicking and using foul language on a regular basis (at least regular basis for the 2 weeks the kids are visiting)?

Ilumine · June 2012

So let me get this straight in my head.

They have only see this toddler, now preschooler, 2 weeks out of 52 and they (two kids themselves) have an accurate bead on how this child really acts and is really parented?

A child whose house, schedule, and access to his parents are turned upside down. A child whom they are at the very least 5 years older than. All from kids who may or may not be exaggerating their observations (becuase really, if the kid is constantly hitting, Kicking and biting your daughter, then why doesn't she stay away from him instead of playing with him?)

Sure, it sounds like there is lax parenting, but given your kids have spent about 8 weeks total with their brother, in his 4 years, I really think you need to cut the kid slack and lay the blame on the parents.

Holly_1007 · June 2012

I was going to say something similar to illiumine. what the brother did to your DD was WRONG, no questions asked. seems like BD/SM attempted to reprimand the child, but honestly, his whole world has been turned upside down. he really doesn't know your kids at all and now he has to share his room/toys/dad with them, if he DIDN'T act out I would be shocked.

That being said, the kids need to voice their boredom concerns to BD. perhaps he is low on cash? can you ask the kids about a playground nearby? even at an elementary school...

can you send them a carepackage with some chalk/ boardgames/ jumprope etc? (not sure if it would get there in time)

I think you need to remain as positive as you can, and encourage them to be creative in entertaining themselves since BD is clearly not going to change...

CFjo2010 · June 2012

Ilumine:

So let me get this straight in my head.

They have only see this toddler, now preschooler, 2 weeks out of 52 and they (two kids themselves) have an accurate bead on how this child really acts and is really parented?

A child whose house, schedule, and access to his parents are turned upside down. A child whom they are at the very least 5 years older than. All from kids who may or may not be exaggerating their observations (becuase really, if the kid is constantly hitting, Kicking and biting your daughter, then why doesn't she stay away from him instead of playing with him?)

Sure, it sounds like there is lax parenting, but given your kids have spent about 8 weeks total with their brother, in his 4 years, I really think you need to cut the kid slack and lay the blame on the parents.

I realize I'm focusing my anger on the kid as opposed to his parents who are very clearly not doing their jobs. It just really bothers me that my daughter calls me with yet another bruise/bite mark. I can see what you're saying about the kid's life being turned upside down for those 2 weeks, but his parents need to step in and control that. As for the kids "knowing" how their little brother is parented, just based on what they've told me I know how he's being parented (or not parented) because when XH and I were still together I was the disciplinarian. He wouldn't monitor his language around the kids and thankfully they never picked any of it up and used it.

As for why my daughter still plays with him, well because she has to. It wasn't this current visit, but during their Christmas visit I was on the phone with my daughter when her father told her to hang up and play with her little brother. She told him that she didn't want to play with him because he just bit her and her father's response was, "Well we're trying to watch a movie and you need to play with him so he'll leave us alone". Wow. Excellent parenting right there.

Kaeldrasmommy · June 2012

I can definitely see why this whole thing would be a problem. Unfortunately I doubt there is much of anything you can do. It sounds like you tried to deal with everything as best you could and done a good job of it.

I think I would just hang on to that picture, encourage your daughter to leave her younger brother be, and if need be, remind them again to enjoy what time they are there.

CFjo2010 · June 2012

holly71087:

I was going to say something similar to illiumine. what the brother did to your DD was WRONG, no questions asked. seems like BD/SM attempted to reprimand the child, but honestly, his whole world has been turned upside down. he really doesn't know your kids at all and now he has to share his room/toys/dad with them, if he DIDN'T act out I would be shocked.

That being said, the kids need to voice their boredom concerns to BD. perhaps he is low on cash? can you ask the kids about a playground nearby? even at an elementary school...

can you send them a carepackage with some chalk/ boardgames/ jumprope etc? (not sure if it would get there in time)

I think you need to remain as positive as you can, and encourage them to be creative in entertaining themselves since BD is clearly not going to change...

Ha! I'm sure he's "low on cash" considering he hasn't paid me any CS in the last 7 years. But somehow he manages to buy quads, new cars, cigarettes, etc. I'm sure there is plenty they can do out there, he just doesn't want to be the one doing it. I guess his wife is at work today, or else they would have gone and done something with her. How sad is that? He doesn't want to do anything with them, but their SM takes them swimming and to the park and to the zoo. Maybe if he wasn't so concerned with not working (so that DCSS can't garnish his wages), he could just go to work each day and let the kids have fun with their SM since he clearly doesn't want to...

karleegirl · June 2012

I'd honestly feel the same way if ds1 (when he was younger)was dealing with the same stuff from a sibling. I may not type out brat or monster but it might cross my mind. But the other ladies are right it's a parenting issue, not a sibling issue. It's very hard for your child to be so far and have no control over the situation. I would try to sound positive when talking to your kids so they don't get a negative vibe.

FutureMrsWittig · June 2012

No advice, just sorry your kids are having a bad visit. You can pat yourself on the back though. It doesn't sound like your daughter is retaliating at her little brother. At 9 I probably would have bitten/kicked/hit the kid back. (And as satisfying as that might be for just a moment) Be glad your daughter can rise above.

Home soon... I know not soon enough though.

Wahoo · June 2012

At least your DD gets the joy of knowing she is a free babysitter

I realize that your DD isn't having fun, but I think she is playing the victim here.

Tell your DD to stop playing with her brother. Hole up in her room if she needs to. She can watch him without interacting with him - get some legos or something else. Or play quiet activities (puzzles, reading) where he does not get physical. Personally, if my 9 yo complained that a 4 yo kicked her and left a bruise, I'd point out that she was bigger than he was and should be able to have physical control over a situation like that. She doesn't need to kick the sh*t out of her brother, but she can grab his leg and make him sorry that he swung it at her.

As for the boredom - there are plenty of mothers on this board who try to find great activities for their kids, and their kids / SKs still complain they are bored. Your DD is 9 - she is old enough to find things to do, read a book, bring crafts with her, pack some activities for her trip -etc. Your ex is not obligated to entertain her. I'm sure if it were all fun and games at yoru ex's home, you would be complaining that he isn't sending you any money, but can afford to be a "Disney Dad."

How can I stop this?

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