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Blended Families
Frustrated, need some perspective
Hey ladies,
I lurk here a lot and am finally coming out of the woodwork to ask for some advice. DH and I have been married for 10 months but together for about 5 years; he has SS 11, who has known me since he was 6. BM moved a few states away three years ago so we are long distance now; we see SS summers & holidays and any other weekends that are manageable during the year. SS and I have always gotten along well, although he does test me more than his dad. He has Aspberger's and ADHD, so he has some behavioral issues that he has always struggled with. Since he is here for the summer now I've noticed a few behaviors that frustrate me, and I need some perspective about whether I'm being too harsh.
SS seems to need attention CONSTANTLY. I understand that he does not live with his dad and that is really hard, so I try to give them as much space as they need to hang out together and do father-son stuff. But oftentimes when DH and I are talking about something SS will interrupt with unimportant "look at me" sort of conversation/action. Like, from the other room call out my name or "Dad" and just say "hello" when his father and I are talking about plans/boring adult stuff. DH has talked to him about this but it seems to continue. I know that Aspberger's kids will not know social cues & interrupt when it's inappropriate but these sort of interruptions seem targeted at getting attention, even when he gets attention from both of us all day.
He also refuses to close the bathroom door or be places alone (though he will happily ride up and down the street on his bike alone) because he is scared and we have had to work with him on this. Almost every night his dad tucks him in and chats with him for ten minutes, but recently he has been asking for his Dad to sleep in the bed with him or to sleep in our room because he doesn't feel "safe". I find this absolutely ridiculous for an 11 year old and wonder if he is doing it for his father's attention. Or is it an effect of the Aspberger's? Last night DH said he was going to sleep in the bed with SS and I said I thought that was ridiculous. I understand that kids get scared sometimes, even at 11, but to me it feels very, very calculated to get attention from his dad, because like I said - when he is engaged with something else (riding his bike, playing with the kid upstairs, playing outside) he is happy to be alone and even go pretty far from us (down the street on his bike) without complaint.
DH is more willing to give in to these sorts of things because, again, he doesn't live with SS, so he wants to be as emotionally available as possible. I totally get that. But I also think that placating this sort of behavior doesn't set the kid up to be emotionally independent in the future. My husband is an extremely affectionate father, always telling SS that he loves him and giving him hugs, tucking him in, talking to him, etc. We spend a good amount of family time together and they spend a good amount of alone time together. Am I unreasonable to want to set firm boundaries for an 11 year old about going to sleep in his own bed on his own at a certain time each night without a lot of fussing, crying and drama? When this sort of thing happens on weekends that he visits, I'm more apt to say "whatever", and wash my hands of being annoyed by it, because it's only a few days. But when it's a whole summer, it begins to affect my alone time with my husband, and that can be frustrating.
I don't want to grow any resentment towards my SS because I do care about him a great deal, and while I'm not from a blended family myself, I know it must be incredibly difficult to be away from your dad for long stretches of time. So please tell me if you think I'm being unreasonable and/or if you've had any experience with this sort of clingy-ness in your blended family. Thanks!
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Re: Frustrated, need some perspective
My DS also has Asperger's Syndrome. It's a form of Austim. You have to remember even though he is chronologically 11 yrs he's fuctioning on an emotional maturity of 1/3 his age so aproximately 6-8 yrs old.
ANY disruption in routine is a catalysmic event in his life. He doesn't have the emotional maturity to situationaly transfer skills. Riding his bike outside alone is a totally different situation than staying in a room alone. He's not able to transfer the skills he uses for the one situation and apply them to another.
I suggest you look into Asperger's behaviors, you can page Auntie on the Special Needs board her son is 18 with Asperger's.
You have a right to your feelings but you need to cut him some slack until you do your research about his life.
My SD does the same "look at me" interrupting you're describing here. She's 9. I think it's an age thing. Just ask him to wait until you guys are finished. And then ignore him if he persists.
As for the not feeling safe, see if you can get him to elaborate. What is he afraid will happen while the bathroom door is closed? Talk to him about what measures you guys take to make sure he stays safe (locks on doors and windows, fire alarms, etc...) and what he should do in an emergency. Offer to get him a night light. Then if he continues to bring it up remind him about the conversation, reassure him.
It's hard to say whether he's calculating or not, and whether he "should be able to" go to bed without a lot of drama. He has some obstacles. Sounds like you guys are doing well in helping him to overcome them.
Sit down with your DH too and talk about what you think is appropriate (ie, you don't feel him sleeping with his 11 y/o son is very appropriate). Share your opinion, get his side of things, and try to agree on something you can both live with. Tell him how you're feeling, so he can try to be sensitive to you AND to SS. It's doable.
Summer flies by. It'll be over before you know it. I hope the rest of it is wonderful.
I think the fact that your SS has aspergers is the main factor here. I can't say what is or isn't normal behavior for an 11 year old in this situation. ExH has two nephews (brothers) that are both autistic. They are not on the same place along the spectrum with the disorder though so what you can expect from one of them you may not be able to expect from the other. I think YH either needs to talk with BM about what SS's regular routine is like, if he usually does these things with her, how she handles these kinds of behaviors, what types of behaviors he exhibits when he acts out, etc. He is with her most of the time and I think she needs to be used as the first resource for finding out what is normal for him and base your expectations from there. Normal behavior for an 11yo is not the same as normal behavior for an 11yo with aspergers.
I agree with both PP's this is an asphergers issue, not a blended family issue. that being said, sweetie estimates his "age" to be at about 6 years old, my SD (who has no learning disabilities) goes to bed on her own every night in her bed with no questions asked, no temper tantrums etc. heck, my 2.5 year old goes to bed without issues, but that is my parenting type, and the development of their routine over time.
I do think it is inappropriate for your DH to be sleeping with your SS, but I personally don't approve of sleeping with a child over the age of 1 or 2, so that is my opinion. When your SS asks DH to sleep with him because he is scared, DH needs to ask what is scary? the dark? put in a nightlight. the noises? get a noise machine. the door closed? leave it open a crack etc.
you do need to realize that with asphergers, ANY change in routine is difficult to adapt to, so it may take him a few days to adjust to being at your house..
For the love of God, please learn how to spell Asperger's considering your SC is diagnosed with it and do more research to better understand what he is dealing with.
Most everything you listed has to do with Asperger's Syndrome. My DD (12) has Asperger's. Yes, these are behaviors that should be worked on, but as you and your DH are long distance you need to cut him slack. He is out of his element at your house so that will exacerbate symptoms.
Thanks everyone for your replies. I have done quite a bit of reading about Aspberger's but I find it hard sometimes to relate what I've read to the more practical problems that come up.
I'm on the same page as you - I understand kids getting scared maybe during a thunderstorm or once in a blue moon being scared of monsters and coming into mom & dad's room for an hour or so, but I don't really think that laying with them when they go to sleep every night, even at a (developmental) age of 6, is appropriate. He already has a nightlight, we have a nightlight also in the hall, the bathroom, and the kitchen in case he needs to get up in the night. His bedroom door is always open, all night. My DH talks to him constantly about what he is afraid of; last night he said he was afraid that someone was going to come in the window. He has been here for three weeks now, so it's not just first-night jitters.
Curly, it's helpful to hear that about your SD; that sort of behavior sounds so familiar.
Sorry, you're right about the spelling, total brain-freeze. I have done research; as I said before, bc I'm not a fulltime parent, it is sometimes hard for me to match up what I read and the behaviors that I see in practice.
I completely agree with Gin. Your expectations and what you feel is "normal" and ok behavior for YH and your SS is not realistic. I think you need to stop looking at it as what is/isn't normal for a kid of X age and more along the lines of...ok here is what he is doing, how does this fit into his condition and how do we treat him/guide him in a way that will be helpful to him. Because how you handle basic situations with a kid that doesn't have aspergers or autism is NOT the same.
My SS has Aspeger's as well. The above is SO ENTIRELY TRUE. many of the behaviors you've mentioned can be directly correlated to the fact that he is not at home, not in his routine, and does not have the ability to "self regulate" when not in his own element.For a kid with Asperger's it can be as simple as "Okay, I know I'm not supposed to interupt MOM when she's talking with another adult...." and then he gets to dad's house and he's like "Ooooh I have something to tell dad....Dad, dad, dad!!" Because the thing is, due to not understanding social intricacies, Asperger's kids will not know WHY they shouldn't interupt mom. So they may never learn the lesson "I shouldn't interupt adults when they are talking about important stuff because it's rude". (that's a social concept), they might learn "I shouldn't interupt MOM" (that's a rote behavior) Make sense?
All of this. Just because he is 11 doesn't mean he will act like an 11 yr old. And hell, it doesn't mean he'll act like a 6 year old. It might mean that he'll act like a purple square or a polka doted striped blue giraffe.
Also, I've heard that saying that hopanka quoted, and i want to give you another one: Judging a child with Autism based on the same criteria you judge a child WITHOUT Autism is like judging a fish and a black bear on their ability to climb a tree. Of course the black bear will look like a genius while the fish fails miserably. But if you judge them both on their ability to breath underwater.....wouldn't you get different results?