- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Stay at Home Moms
magpie1127
member
need help with the SAHM question...long before becoming a parent
magpie1127
member
Hi Ladies,
I've discussed this with my mom, my friends, etc., but they all seem to have their biases on this issue. DH supports me either way, which is nice, but isn't much help, lol. So I thought I'd get some unbiased ideas from SAHMs and working moms.
We're a couple years away from TTC, but I need to start thinking about what I'd like to do when we do start a family. I was recently accepted into a PhD program, and I need to decide whether to pursue this as a career. I have always wanted to be a stay at home mom once we have children, but a recent bout with unemployment has left me very unfulfilled. I know that being unemployed without children is much less fulfilling/busy than being a SAHM, but it has me wondering whether or not I'm really cut out for staying home.
Enter this PhD program. I've always, always, always loved school. I've always loved teaching and learning, and I think getting my PhD and becoming a professor would be a great job for me. The thing is, I feel like I really need to decide how I feel about staying home vs. working. I need to decide now, before I invest five years of my life (and lots of debt) into this graduate program.
Part of the reason I'm considering this career is that I think it would be more conducive to my idea of motherhood than most other careers would be. I could get a lot of work done at home; college professors usually only work about 20-25 hours/week on the actual campus. Then again, a lot of that would really depend on where I would work and how things turn out. In addition, I'd have summers/J-term/Spring break off. Jobs that are 9-5 and are year-round are out of the question for me because of how I want to parent.
I feel like its really early to have to make this decision, but I can't get into tons of debt and put off having kids for five more years, only to decide that I'm going to stay home anyways. Any input, your own experiences, etc. would be appreciated. Thanks!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: need help with the SAHM question...long before becoming a parent
Just an idea-does your DH's income support you being a SAHM? If so, I might try to work towards the PhD program while my kids were small. Take a class a semester and take your time. When your kid(s) hit school age, you'll be finished with your PhD and devoting 20-25 hours a week to work will be easier when they don't need round-the-clock care.
GL with watever you decide!
I actually really like this idea. The only (relatively minor) problem I have with it is that it might require moving once I finish the program in order to find a teaching job. It wouldn't be ideal, but its definitely something to consider! Thanks for the advice! I will discuss with DH.
I agree with this suggestion. I've thought off and on about getting my PhD for awhile now. I just took 2 years off from school (in the middle of getting my MA) so I could thoroughly decide on this. I'm not entirely sure yet, I want to see how I feel after the summer is over, when I intend to finish my MA, but I'm leaning towards going straight through and getting my PhD now rather than waiting until the kids are in school. Again, we'll have to be sure we can afford it on DH's salary. I also like the idea of only working 20-25 hours on campus, or I wouldn't even mind working for some online universities and doing it entirely from home. I was close to a few professors as an undergraduate. One of them didn't have kids until she was teaching for several years, one did her dissertation work with small children and taught part time. Both had different challenges and rewards. In my MA experience, and from talking with friends, grad school is much more understanding of family interruptions, that's one reason why they allow you to take so long to complete your PhD.
What sort of program are you interested in? I'm sure you know, but some programs have different perks to students and you might not even have to carry much or any debt at all.
I'd love to be a full time SAHM forever, but with my undergraduate degree and general passion for history getting a PhD is the route that's going to make the most sense since I did get into debt as an undergraduate. I'd hate to never earn money and make DH pay it all back. But the idea of only working 25 hours on campus and doing more at home after the kids are asleep is better than even school teacher hours.
DH is finishing his PhD (defending his dissertation Aug 10) and moving on to a postdoc in the hopes of eventually getting a professorship in a few years. A word of warning that even in the more "in demand" fields it's a long, grueling process. Competition for professorships is fierce and you need to be willing and able to relocate anywhere in the US you can find a job if you're lucky enough to get one. DH is in Chemical Engineering, which has a huge industrial outlet, and has still seen few classmates who wanted professorships actually get them.
I was pursuing a PhD in History once upon a time and stopped because at the time they were graduating 12 PhDs per academic job opening nationwide. As there was no industrial outlet I knew many history and english PhDs who were bagging groceries (no joke) with no better prospects in sight. Those who were lucky enough to find a job anywhere were generally in a location they hated and stuck there forever if they made it.
As far as only working 20-25 hours on campus, I've never met a professor who only worked on campus those hours. Most are on campus during all regular business hours, frequently have to teach outside of business hours and work crazy hours from home as well. It's far more than a 40 hour a week job. That said, there is some schedule flexibility so they do have the ability to do school pick up and drop off and such many semesters. It's also very cut-throat and you have to be on the very top or you won't get tenure (meaning a new nationwide job search in the hopes that you find something and being able and willing to move wherever you need again).
DH is so happy he has done his PhD and it is opening many doors that would otherwise be closed, but he works 12+ hours a day and there is no way he could sustain what he needs to for this program unless I was a SAHM (we've tried). I spend many hours alone while he's off researching, presenting at conferences, writing, traveling to see collaborators and generally working his butt off.
She thought breastfeeding would be doable since she could pump in her office but she was miserable (but pushed thru for a year- yay her!!) I am hoping that her impending move to proof housing on campus will improve the situation for her (as she is losing time in traffic every day) but I know she often feels like she is missing out. It is a good situation for a working mom but I wouldn't say she feels like she is practically a sahm or anything. She works long hours at home to pare fr school and is worn out much of the time. All that said I think now hat she is on amour things will ease up and her ds is going to be so enriched when she takes him to teach abroad next year.
. On the otherhand ii am full-time sahm and often wonder if the grass is greener on the other side so I mind her how she might feel without the stimulation outside of the home etc. When it comes down to it we (dh and I) feel that me sah is best for our family and our circumstances and I am grateful that I have the option of doing it. I always imagined that I would stay at home and new that if it was possible for us that is what would do. These years of staying at home don't last forever- they are little ones only for so long and then THEY aren't at home anymore.
. Maybe talking to a mom with the job you a envisioning and see if their parenting situation is what you havein mind for you. Is the something you could do to feel enriched while parenting that won't put you in debt. How will u feel if u r miserable having to work bc of the debt and could of sah?
So, I have multiple degrees, 2 advanced degrees and have basically been a workaholic my entire life and very career driven. I have been a working mom and SAHM, and I am currently a 'stay at home while working and raising the children mom'. Not sure if there is an acronym for that or not. I am blessed enough to have found a position in my field that allows me to telecommute. So here is my 2 cents, a very long winded 2 cents:
Any major career choice is difficult, so is deciding to take on a large amount of debt in this economy, as well as the decision to have children or not, and when to have children. Just a few things to consider are
-whether or not your husband is willing to relocate once or more with you to follow your career opportunities as you might not get an offer in your own city (can be stressful, especially if a move lands him unexpectedly unemployed- we've gone through that)
-whether or not once you have children you want to continue to have the possiblity of multiple relocations (I can tell you from experience this is no easy task uprooting your family, trying to sell your home, making new friends, etc.)
-whether or not you want to continue to postpone trying for children (it isn't always easy to conceive, especially as you get older)
-whether you want to raise your children in a different state/city than your family (no matter how independent or great at multitsking you are- family helps. They are emotionally supportive but also free babysitters
)
-whether or not this potential job is that important to you and is it your only career option? Based on the limited info I know about you, you might also be happy and fulfilled being a teach of another sort.
There will never be a "right" financial time for kids, the number always changes, things always come up so dont wait based on money. Is it possible to have kids later in life? yes Is it ideal- not really. We are going to be in our 60s when our first child graduates college. There is the potential that we might not be around for our grandchildren if our kids decide to have kids and returement certainly will not be smooth sailing when we are helping pay for our kids up until our early 70s.
Basically I dont see the value in advancing at this stage of your life. You can always do it later down the line.
Now, whether or not you should be a SAHM- that is such a difficult thing for anyone to answer but you. Prior to meeting my husband I would have told you I am never having kids. Prior to having children I would have told you I will never be a SAHM mom. I thought I enjoyed being in the office too much, thought it would kill my career, thought I had to keep busy, and thought being a SAHM would be boring and I certainly wasn't going to breastfeed.
Now I think it is the best decision my husband and I made. I ended up nursing as well which I think was to the benefit of my child's health and bonding with me. Can it boring sometimes? Yes, especially if you do not keep up with friends and you are sitting at home too much. There are days where it being a fulfilling job isn't always foremost in your mind. It can also be taxing on your marriage if it puts a financial strain on the relationship or if you make the child too much of a priority over your husband.
But there are pros and cons of any career decision you make. You can always start out as a SAHM and change your mind.
I'm not a PhD, but I am a stay at home mom. I telecommuted with a very flexible position for the first 1+ year of my son's life. It was my dream job, in my career, coincided with experience and education. I worked when I could and if I couldn't, I didn't. I could work anywhere between 0 hrs/week to 30 hrs/week. It all depended on me. I could go on vacation whenever I wanted, for however long I needed. If I had to cancel things at work because of home commitments, I never heard a complaint. Even when I quit, they told me they have a position for me should I want to return. It doesn't get much nicer than that.
My feelings are this. You mentioned several times about wanting to be a certain type of mom. Something to consider is that even if you are only out of home working 20-25 hours, the hours that you are working at home are not going to be east. It's likely you won't be the type of mom you want to be because you're either going to set up child care so you can focus on your job, or only give half the attention your job and your kid need.
This is why I had to quit. I had certain expectations for how I wanted to raise my kid, and I had certain expectations for my career. I felt only mediocre at both. I did not have childcare set up, I don't have family in this country. I didn't want my son to go to daycare, so I quit my job.
As for nights, I often told myself I would work at night. I probably only did that 8 times during that year. Night time was the only real "me"-time I had, and I was often exhausted from trying to balance my work and my son during the day. I know some people don't need as much me-time, though. I do.
They might only be "required" to be on campus 20-25 hours, but those hours cover teaching, office hours and service to the department. A professor's "real" job is their research. Their publications bring prestige (and therefore $$$) to the department and that is the bulk of their job. It just has to be worked around the other responsibilities. And $45K as a prof means you're in a highly competitive field (liberal arts, arts, social sciences), so finding that dream job will not be as easy as it sounds and could mean moving several times with non tenure track positions (my friend has had to move cross country no fewer than 4 times since her husband finished his PhD in Archaeology because he's held one term appointment after another). My husband is in a field where a postdoc gets $45K and a prof gets upwards of $80K. I can tell you that in a HCOL area $45K will barely cut it.
And your small school may have seemed family friendly because professors weren't on campus or available to students late, but you weren't seeing the bulk of their real work. And the chances of finding that family friendly an institution are slim. Between DH and I we've been to 5 different schools ungrad and grad combined, and between us involved (through undergrad majors and minors and grad programs) in 7 departments. Never have I met a professor who didn't work crazy hours.
I think you're right that what you're really deciding here is between working and staying home. If you get the PhD you'll be a working mom and whatever number of hours of work that means you'd be taking on. If you don't get the PhD it's likely you'd be a SAHM (though obviously there are in between choices).
I've been both a working and a stay-at-home mom. I think both have their advantages. When I was working I loved my job and really didn't mind the time away from my son because I knew he was well cared for and I was so engaged with work that I didn't miss him. The school I was working at closed and my new job was horrible. I was miserable all day and I found myself missing my son like crazy. I knew I would be a better parent if I wasn't miserable all day so when my daughter was born I started staying home. I love staying home and feel comfortable with the decision despite sacrifices. I do need to find something part time so we can actually afford this life, but I'm working on it.
You should first look at whether your husband's job can support both of you and your children. If it can't then your question is answered. If it can then you need to decide what lifestyle you want, which we really can't decide for you.
Side note: My dad is a professor and I loved growing up with a professor parent. Although he does work far more than I like (even now, when I want him to come visit his grandkids) there is some flexibility and sabbaticals are a fun perk.
Thanks for all the input, ladies.
For those who have discussed the seeming discrepancy in working hours, I think a lot of that depends on what field you're in. My 'mentor', (an English professor and mom at a small state school, likely what I would be hoping for) teaches 3-4 classes per week, and has two periods of 'office hours' per week where students can come in and get help. The grading, research (since it's English, she doesn't have to be on site), etc. is done from home; so that's what I was getting at with the 20-25 hrs. out of the home per week idea. I wasn't suggesting that I'd be working a TOTAL of 20-25 hours, just that those would be the hours when I'd be outside of the home. Plus, I'd have summers, J-terms, weekends, sabbaticals, etc.
Nonetheless, I agree with a lot of you that balancing the workload while trying to be the mom I want to be would be very difficult.
As for finding a 'middle ground', that's difficult for an English graduate. I currently work (or did work, before I was laid off) in copywriting, and prior to that I worked in journalism. Both have very intensive schedules, and aren't conducive to what I'd want to be my parenting style.
As for DH's job, the reason we haven't had kids yet is because his income can't support us yet. We're young (24/25) and don't have any student loans from our undergrads because we were blessed enough to be able to afford them out of pocket, but now DH is getting his MBA part-time while working full-time in the lower ranks of a wine distributorship. Eventually, he'll hopefully be able to support us, but we aren't ready for kids financially yet, and I would really like to at least get my MA and do some more traveling before we have kids.
So where does that leave us? So far, I think it appears that our best option would be for me to get my MA, and then work on my PhD little by little while staying at home. It's true that I'll probably be able to get some funding for the program, but doing the classes part-time, I doubt we'd get into any debt. Then once our kids are older, hopefully I'll be able to find a fulfilling career in my field.
Okay, I would run far from a liberal arts PhD right now. I was going to do my PhD in history, but the job prospects in history and other liberal arts were grim at best. English is one of those fields. They're accepting far more graduate students than there are academic jobs for and only the best of the best get a job.
And if you think being young with an English BA makes it hard to start a career in a different field, try doing it in 7-10 years with a very specific degree and no professional experience.
I know how the market is. I'm a SAHM because after working in history museums for 7 years I earned less than daycare. I've tried branching out to other careers, but so many people are unemployed that there's always someone more qualified than myself. I was 3/4 done with my masters when I realized that it would be a liability on the job market instead of an asset and gave up. Someone with a bachelor's degree is trainable, someone with a Masters is specific.
Yes, I know the job prospects are grim.
My goal in life has always been to publish and to obtain a post-graduate degree. As a matter of fact, I'd probably feel like a failure if I woke up at 60 and realized I'd never done anything with it.
Also, I wouldn't say I have no professional experience, as I've worked as both a copywriter and a journalist.
Now, I realize it'd be hard to find a job. But if I can go to school part-time and manage to not get into debt, I don't think it would hurt anything. The worst that would happen would be that I'd have a degree and be in the same place I would've been in if I hadn't gone back to school.
So basically, I realize its a toss-up. I guess my question wasn't whether or not I'd find a job after getting a PhD, it was whether or not I'd be able to balance the job while having children, or whether staying at home would be a better option. From the advice I've gotten here, it seems like the best course would be to pursue the degree part time IF I CAN AFFORD IT/if I get funding while staying home, and then at least I'll have had the experience/am in the position to teach when the children are school age, if I still want to.
I think it's great you are at least preparing for children in the future. If your dream is to become a professor and get published, then I think that is what you should aim to do.
This board is all about not going into debt. But not everybody dreams of staying home with their children and some women just don't enjoy it as much as others. You need to decide what it is you really want to do.
Would you be happy if you wait to start your PhD until you have kids and then find that it is much harder to do then and take longer to finish than you anticipated or didn't end up finishing?
W : 01.11.13
#3 : due 11.02.15
I have no experience with the college level, but DH is a high school physics teacher. During the school year, he is insanely busy and pulls an all nighter at least once a week to keep up with his grading. And that's without having to do research, get published, etc. We have two young kids and there is no way he could get any work done from home without me here to watch the kids.
I chose to SAH because I hated being in daycare as a kid and so did DH. I came to the conclusion a while ago that I will probably never have a career again, but most likely just jobs. I want to be "that" mom that volunteers at her kids school and runs the cub scout meetings and the hours I would need to put in to have a career (geology/engineering) wouldn't work with that. I'm at peace with that decision. I currently work part time during tax season doing taxes and have picked up some office work at my old company. but I wouldn't say either is a career.
To the OP, if your passion is to be an English prof, then go for it. But realize you and your DH will likely have to make sacrifices if and when you have kids. (Maybe DH could stay home as an example). We all have made sacrifices for our kids. If your passion is teaching, there are a lot of other things/ways you can teach and those jobs could be very family friendly. Just don't screw yourself by taking on too much debt.