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Need advice from males before I punch mine in the face...

doadancedoadance
in Dads & Dads-to-be

I'll try to make this short and to the point for you guys, sorry for jumping your board but I don't know what else to do...

 This is my 4th pregnancy but my first with my husband. He wanted to have kids of his own and we started trying (or stopped trying NOT to) get pregnant as soon as we married. 

 Now that I'm preggo and giving him his baby, I feel really disconnected with him. He never wants to talk about the pregnancy, has no sympathy towards what symptoms come with pregnancy, even tells me "You shouldn't be tired yet, not for another couple of months"... I've tried getting him to look up pregnancy symptoms etc WITH me and going to the Doc with me to hear what he says, but none of it is helping. 

 So I guess what I'm asking is: For you men, what can I do or how did YOU get excited/involved/into the pregnancy with your wife?

I know he's never been through it before and I try never to make him feel like I know what I"m talking about since it's my 4th and he is clueless since he's never done it. But my other 3 kids were born out of wedlock with my ex and I was really young... I'm really excited to go through this pregnancy with my husband and actually be mature enough to explore our birthing options etc.

It really makes me feel like crap when he discounts anything I say (ie. I have tension headaches, the smell of certain things bugs me, etc) He is super brilliant (degree in physics, degree in chemistry, gen cont lic., and working on a law degree) so he acts like he should automatically know everything and more than me about pregnancy, childbirth, parenting, etc. since I am not as educated as he is....

 

HELP! 

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Re: Need advice from males before I punch mine in the face...

  • FlashFryFlashFry
    I agree with "thelaststraw05". None of the guys on here are like that towards their wives, and I don't know what to tell you. It sounds like he is a know-it-all and possibly a pain in the butt. could be wrong though. Is he much older than you?
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  • ladyjenna13ladyjenna13 member

    Sounds like a goofy know-it-all to me.

    I don't know how any of us can help considering we are all very involved in what our own wives are going through.

    Perhaps if you start to act protective of what you are going through, i.e. leave him out of the loop for a minute, he might realize that he is not the prince that he thinks he is.

    I don't get it though....I ask my wife every five minutes how she is doing.....

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  • ladyjenna13ladyjenna13 member
    imagethelaststraw05:
    imageladyjenna13:

    Sounds like a goofy know-it-all to me.

    I don't know how any of us can help considering we are all very involved in what our own wives are going through.

    Perhaps if you start to act protective of what you are going through, i.e. leave him out of the loop for a minute, he might realize that he is not the prince that he thinks he is.

    I don't get it though....I ask my wife every five minutes how she is doing.....

    At this point, my wife is coming to me asking what things mean because I've read a bunch of books on trying to conceive and expecting. I read What to Know and I read the Mayo Clinic book. 

    You really will have more luck talking to the women in the 1st or 2nd Trimester boards about this. Some of them might have advice.

    We have the mayo clinic book too.  Lot of information in there for sure!

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  • AiobheannAiobheann

    I really don't want to make a habit of unlurking-but since some of you guys suggested female input I'm going to give it. 

    Your DH sounds like he is on the genius level. I say this, myself beinging one of the youngest people inducted into the Academy of Science, that anyone with that many degrees is likely on the genius level. I know only one way to deal with someone like that, and you may not be up for it.

    Research. You go to him with all of the scientific research to support your symptoms, experience, options for birthing etc. You lay it out and tell him that if he wishes to speak intelligently on the subject he needs to read the research first. It's a bit confrontational, but people with really high IQs are very quick to dismiss those who without and anything they say that might sound like it's said with authority. He needs to be reminded that he is not the expert on this issue, and he needs to educate himself. Don't think of it as confrontational, think of it as reaching out to him on his level. (not that you aren't brilliant in your own right, but if he is on the genius level, you may need to meet him somewhere near there for him to get excited and involved).

    I would also suggest pointing him towards this board. These dads have great insight into things and I think a valuable resource for someone who is a FTD trying to muddle through all the crap that comes with pregnancy.    

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  • ladyjenna13ladyjenna13 member
    imageAiobheann:

    I really don't want to make a habit of unlurking-but since some of you guys suggested female input I'm going to give it. 

    Your DH sounds like he is on the genius level. I say this, myself beinging one of the youngest people inducted into the Academy of Science, that anyone with that many degrees is likely on the genius level. I know only one way to deal with someone like that, and you may not be up for it.

    Research. You go to him with all of the scientific research to support your symptoms, experience, options for birthing etc. You lay it out and tell him that if he wishes to speak intelligently on the subject he needs to read the research first. It's a bit confrontational, but people with really high IQs are very quick to dismiss those who without and anything they say that might sound like it's said with authority. He needs to be reminded that he is not the expert on this issue, and he needs to educate himself. Don't think of it as confrontational, think of it as reaching out to him on his level. (not that you aren't brilliant in your own right, but if he is on the genius level, you may need to meet him somewhere near there for him to get excited and involved).

    I would also suggest pointing him towards this board. These dads have great insight into things and I think a valuable resource for someone who is a FTD trying to muddle through all the crap that comes with pregnancy.    

    I have multiple degrees and I never dismiss the ideas of those around me because I have more education then they do.

    Being a snarky know-it-all is not due to level of education, it is a personality thing that needs to be broken through tough love.  I know I am a genuis....but it certainly does not define how I deal with people.  Personality and brain power are not related.  Seems to me when this guy was busy in the books, he was neglecting his social training.

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  • doadancedoadance
    imageAiobheann:

    I really don't want to make a habit of unlurking-but since some of you guys suggested female input I'm going to give it. 

    Your DH sounds like he is on the genius level. I say this, myself beinging one of the youngest people inducted into the Academy of Science, that anyone with that many degrees is likely on the genius level. I know only one way to deal with someone like that, and you may not be up for it.

    Research. You go to him with all of the scientific research to support your symptoms, experience, options for birthing etc. You lay it out and tell him that if he wishes to speak intelligently on the subject he needs to read the research first. It's a bit confrontational, but people with really high IQs are very quick to dismiss those who without and anything they say that might sound like it's said with authority. He needs to be reminded that he is not the expert on this issue, and he needs to educate himself. Don't think of it as confrontational, think of it as reaching out to him on his level. (not that you aren't brilliant in your own right, but if he is on the genius level, you may need to meet him somewhere near there for him to get excited and involved).

    I would also suggest pointing him towards this board. These dads have great insight into things and I think a valuable resource for someone who is a FTD trying to muddle through all the crap that comes with pregnancy.    

     

    That is really good insight! You're right, he is genius level and you described his personality well. Maybe I could get some more insight from you off of this board so we don't blow up the "Man Space"... Let me know what other boards you are on and I will contact you there, or email. Either way, would love some more advice as you sound on the same level with a "woman's understanding" of the issue. Thanks!! 

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  • doadancedoadance
    imageladyjenna13:
    imageAiobheann:

    I really don't want to make a habit of unlurking-but since some of you guys suggested female input I'm going to give it. 

    Your DH sounds like he is on the genius level. I say this, myself beinging one of the youngest people inducted into the Academy of Science, that anyone with that many degrees is likely on the genius level. I know only one way to deal with someone like that, and you may not be up for it.

    Research. You go to him with all of the scientific research to support your symptoms, experience, options for birthing etc. You lay it out and tell him that if he wishes to speak intelligently on the subject he needs to read the research first. It's a bit confrontational, but people with really high IQs are very quick to dismiss those who without and anything they say that might sound like it's said with authority. He needs to be reminded that he is not the expert on this issue, and he needs to educate himself. Don't think of it as confrontational, think of it as reaching out to him on his level. (not that you aren't brilliant in your own right, but if he is on the genius level, you may need to meet him somewhere near there for him to get excited and involved).

    I would also suggest pointing him towards this board. These dads have great insight into things and I think a valuable resource for someone who is a FTD trying to muddle through all the crap that comes with pregnancy.    

    I have multiple degrees and I never dismiss the ideas of those around me because I have more education then they do.

    Being a snarky know-it-all is not due to level of education, it is a personality thing that needs to be broken through tough love.  I know I am a genuis....but it certainly does not define how I deal with people.  Personality and brain power are not related.  Seems to me when this guy was busy in the books, he was neglecting his social training.

     

    You are right LadyJenna, I've known him since grade school, we dated in high school... he is and always has been better at his books than his social skills. He loves me VERY much, he just doesn't always know how to act/react to me or my "feelings/emotions" since he is so logic and fact based. I am used to his personality type cuz it's the same as my dad's... but I guess placed too much faith in the fact that dealing with my dad's type would help me deal with DH.... starting to realize it's different because I was never married to my dad and could choose to not deal with my dad... lol. And I will admit, DH is kind of a "snarky-know-it-all"... But I love him, quirks and all, just wish I could learn how to communicate with him better at a level or way he understands and can relate to. Never quite mastered that with my dad. :-) 

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  • iWesleyd08iWesleyd08
    I was super excited from the beginning. One that was fun though, my wife bought a book that tells you everyday what is happening inside. Some days it was very intriguing finding out roughly when they grow fingernails, if they have hair its starting, etc... Some days it was god awful boring and I wasn't listening, but other days it was awesome. Maybe you could read it and when there are things that are fun you could tell him. Unless he already knows it then your out of luck. He just sounds waaaay to stuck up. 
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  • MrFortySomethingMrFortySomething

    Doadance, I would suggest doing what every commited couple should do. COMMUNICATE! Sorry for the all caps but lets be real here he is probably trying to supress his nervousness about being a dad. I think that the unknown is what is scary for most first time dads. Of course it could be the fact that he spent so much time in school that it has made him think that he is thinking logially and not literally about how the one person that would know what the hell your talking about is you. 

    Maybe have him go to the prenatal doctor with you and ask the Doctor about your symptoms so he can hear from a another Highly intelligent person that your sysmptons are correct and normal.

     

    MrFourtySomething

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  • fcp1234fcp1234

    You're still a litttle early, men somethimes have a hard time remembering you are pregnant if you dont look huge:). And he is right, wait and see how tired you gonna feel at 40 weeks:)

    My husband was not very excited during pregnancy, he was very excited the 1st ultra-sound then the 3rd one he was playing with his phone. You know what matters though :he is the BEST father my son could have.

    I would say enjoy your pregnancy and dont worry about how excited or not he is.

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  • fcp1234fcp1234
    imageladyjenna13:

    Sounds like a goofy know-it-all to me.

    I don't know how any of us can help considering we are all very involved in what our own wives are going through.

    Perhaps if you start to act protective of what you are going through, i.e. leave him out of the loop for a minute, he might realize that he is not the prince that he thinks he is.

    I don't get it though....I ask my wife every five minutes how she is doing.....

    Do you really? Thats gotta be annoying:)

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  • la_chivitala_chivita

    sorry to invade the "dad" board but i was curious and started lurking.

    my husband never "appeared" excited. i bought books for dads to be  and he never opened it! he made us ditch our 3rd pregnancy class, and hated going into babiesrus! he would listen to me and would try to feel and listen to baby as my tummy got bigger.

    he actually never was excited at least to me until he had our bundle of joy in his arms.  i ended up have an emergency c-section and he was upset because he left his camera in our delivery room. once the baby was here i needed things from babiesrus and i couldn't get him to leave the store!  i had difficulty breastfeeding and he did ALOT of research on how to get me to relax, and produce more. he would help position baby to get a better latch...he is an excellent father. 

    have you ever heard the saying 

    "A woman becomes a mother when she's pregnant. A man becomes a father when he holds his child."

    this described my husband and perhaps yours.

    i did ask my husband about his attitude while i was pregnant and he just said that he felt as if he was too worried about us(baby and I). we had a miscarriage this week and i can now understand what he was talking about. 

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  • davepaisleydavepaisley

    Genius is as genius does, so that makes your husband just a jerk at this point. 

    You say he wanted this child , do what's his excuse for not getting involved more?

    Also sounds like he might be a bit Aspergers - know-it-all comes with that territory.  That comes with limited empathy too. A good way to get him involved might be to make him do a bunch of research - read more than one book on the subject. You'll probably have to challenge him on it, though - don't be a doormat.

    drdjp
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