Talked to DH about visitor preference..didnt go well

Sage4200 · June 2012

I told DH lsast night that I really dont want any visitors (this icludes all grandparents) Im extremely shy and private and prefer visitors at home once Im not in a hospital setting with nurses coming and going and trying to get BF'ing established.

He said he is OK with that as long as his family gets to meet the baby first. I think that is kind of selfish and im pretty ticked off about it...

Manx4 · June 2012

So you'd rather your family gets to meet the baby first?

I'd tell him you'll have a small meet & greet at the house two or three days after you get home from the hospital and the guest list will contain both sets of parents. That's it.

It's so overwhelming to have a parade of visitors after the baby is born, you'll want smaller groups and you'll want to space them out over a few days.

Megroons · June 2012

Manx4:

So you'd rather your family gets to meet the baby first?

I'd tell him you'll have a small meet & greet at the house two or three days after you get home from the hospital and the guest list will contain both sets of parents. That's it.

It's so overwhelming to have a parade of visitors after the baby is born, you'll want smaller groups and you'll want to space them out over a few days.

This...

mrs.kapow · June 2012

Manx4:
I'd tell him you'll have a small meet & greet at the house two or three days after you get home from the hospital and the guest list will contain both sets of parents. That's it.

I think this makes sense.

We allowed immediate family in the hospital and the nurses kicked them out when I needed to BF. It was almost easier than doing the same thing at home.

Flamingemu · June 2012

Manx4:
So you'd rather your family gets to meet the baby first?
I'd tell him you'll have a small meet & greet at the house two or three days after you get home from the hospital and the guest list will contain both sets of parents. That's it.
It's so overwhelming to have a parade of visitors after the baby is born, you'll want smaller groups and you'll want to space them out over a few days.

This is a great suggestion. That way you both get what you want/need in terms of visitors.

cmiller0623 · June 2012

i agree id be PO'd too. why should his family get special treatment when you specifically told him you didnt want visitors at the hospital? Is it possible he misunderstood you? (not making excuses just tryin to figure out the situation) i would try talking to him again just say something like "i think its only fair that BOTH of our families wait until we get home so they can both come and see baby"

MarisaKathleen · June 2012

I'm sure he thinks you're being selfish by saying that no one can come to the hospital. Boys don't get it--they're not the ones with all their bits on display and their bodies doing God knows what after expunging a human. My DH didn't get it either when I told him I don't want his wacky sister there because she makes me crazy--until he saw the birth video. Now he doesn't want anyone there at all. It was hilarious.

Cut him some slack. And be open to having grandparents. It's not like they're going to sit there for hours on end. I think allowing the grandparents come to the hospital would be way easier than having everyone come in and out of your house for who knows how long.

mlf625 · June 2012

First as in before your family? Why, exactly, can't they all meet the baby together? I don't think it's fair for either side to be first unless logistics require that to be the case (aka, one family is across the country and the other's in town).

FWIW, I still think you're being weird about this. It's probably going to feel even weirder for someone "extremely shy and private" to have all these visitors at your house (where they'll likely stay for hours) than just to have them stop in the hospital to meet the baby for an hour (where nurses will shoo them away when you signal that it's time).

Sage4200 · June 2012

Manx4:

So you'd rather your family gets to meet the baby first?

I'd tell him you'll have a small meet & greet at the house two or three days after you get home from the hospital and the guest list will contain both sets of parents. That's it.

It's so overwhelming to have a parade of visitors after the baby is born, you'll want smaller groups and you'll want to space them out over a few days.

Id rather the four grandparents all come at the same time to ur home. We only get 48 hours in the hospital. I dont think anyone should be "first" they are all equally important

Sage4200 · June 2012

mlf625:

First as in before your family? Why, exactly, can't they all meet the baby together? I don't think it's fair for either side to be first unless logistics require that to be the case (aka, one family is across the country and the other's in town).

FWIW, I still think you're being weird about this. It's probably going to feel even weirder for someone "extremely shy and private" to have all these visitors at your house (where they'll likely stay for hours) than just to have them stop in the hospital to meet the baby for an hour (where nurses will shoo them away when you signal that it's time).

The nurses will kick people out? I didnt realize that..My whole thing is that if Im home and want to breastfeed I can excuse myself but if Im in the hospital I have to kick them out. What if its 2 minutes after I get there. What if they walk in hte room and my breast is exposed. The whole uncontrollled environment just stresses me out.

Mom2Mack1 · June 2012

Why is it a race to see who see's the baby first? When I had DD whoever called and said they were coming saw the baby first. Ended up that MIL & my parents came at the same time but it wasn't planned.

MississippiCatfish · June 2012

I don't think it's about who is more important, but about compromise. He's willing to delay his parents meeting the baby for you - which might be a big deal for him and a little bit frustrating - but you're not willing to bend in return. I get that you think it isn't something you should have to bend on, but I can see where I'd feel a little powerless if I were him. It would make my husband really sad if I said no visitors in the hospital, so I would never do it. (even though I wouldn't really mind it;) I guess I don't think he's asking for all that much - unless you're talking about a matter of weeks rather than hours or days. Hope you guys can come to a happy compromise!

OSUWifey09 · June 2012

I mean, if you're really worried about having people just barge in on you, insist on having them call before they come to the hospital. At my hospital, no one can get into the maternity ward without a special code or calling the front desk [then the front desk asks if I want visitors], so it's not like anyone can just pop in whenever they want. Is yours the same way, or do you know yet?

I also like the idea of having some sort of get-together at your house for immediate family only, if you're more comfortable in that type of setting.

Manx4 · June 2012

Yes nurses will kick people out and regulate visiting hours. Consider them your personal bouncers.

There is a privacy curtain that draws shut in front of the door (at least in all hospitals I've been too) so even if they just open the door and walk in, they won't get an eyeful if you're trying to BF.

You can tell the nurses visitors are allowed but they must knock first and be admitted. You can tell them who can and cannot be allowed past security. You can tell them when you'd like visiting hours to be over and they will enforce it.

If you want to try to BF and having everyone stare at you makes you uncomfortable, just have YH ask them to leave for a few moments while you figure things out.

If they get offended - oh well - but I would imagine most won't. It's not like you're saying "I'm BFing so you have to go away for the rest of the night. Get baby latched on, establish a good suckle and then cover up while s/he finishes up.

mrs.kapow · June 2012

Sage4200:

The nurses will kick people out? I didnt realize that..My whole thing is that if Im home and want to breastfeed I can excuse myself but if Im in the hospital I have to kick them out. What if its 2 minutes after I get there. What if they walk in hte room and my breast is exposed. The whole uncontrollled environment just stresses me out.

For me, the hospital was much more controlled than our house. I didn't WANT to get up and walk away from my family or his because my tailbone hurt so bad. The hospital was where MH or the nurses could and did nicely say, "OK, mom has to try to BF, everyone out for a half hour. Go to the waiting room/go get her food/go buy the baby a gift." They had no where to go at my house and I was the one who had to leave (note: I was pretty private before having DD, but couldn't have given two shits if my BIL saw me BF once we got home).

The nurses are usually great about this stuff and are trying to help you establish a feeding schedule if your hospital is pro-BF.

mlf625 · June 2012

LoveLossHopeRepeat:
Yes, you will have been through the giving-birth-wringer, but I assume that he's anxious for his parents to meet his newborn child. There's got to be some credence given to that.

Exactly. And Manx just said everything else I was going to say about the privacy curtain and the nurses helping keep things quiet.

I don't get why you guys can't just say "X is going to be tired and trying to breastfeed, so make sure you call DH before you come up to visit. He'll let you know if it's a good time or not." Then once they're there, limit the visit. Tell your nurses ahead of time you only want a 30-45 minute visit, and have your DH back that up as well.

This is really, really not that big of a deal. I hope you can chill out a bit and not let this be such an issue for you.

3monkeysmama · June 2012

Sage4200:
mlf625:

First as in before your family? Why, exactly, can't they all meet the baby together? I don't think it's fair for either side to be first unless logistics require that to be the case (aka, one family is across the country and the other's in town).

FWIW, I still think you're being weird about this. It's probably going to feel even weirder for someone "extremely shy and private" to have all these visitors at your house (where they'll likely stay for hours) than just to have them stop in the hospital to meet the baby for an hour (where nurses will shoo them away when you signal that it's time).

The nurses will kick people out? I didnt realize that..My whole thing is that if Im home and want to breastfeed I can excuse myself but if Im in the hospital I have to kick them out. What if its 2 minutes after I get there. What if they walk in hte room and my breast is exposed. The whole uncontrollled environment just stresses me out.

You should invest in a nursing cover if you are really self conscience. And in my opinion, letting grandparents visit in the hospital is ok, maybe not a whole stream of people, but at least them. But I like visitors, and have a fabulous nursing cover.

tinyhumantoe · June 2012

The only thing I worry about is:

1. Relatives that are overbearing and annoying deciding to camp out for hours. My plan is to look like sh!t and act like I'm dying when I want them to leave. Big Smile

2. Relatives not respecting my need for privacy. I do not whip my tits out in front of people, so DH's job is to ensure I get my privacy when I breastfeed (as far as his family goes; I can handle mine).

I'd rather have people visit at the hospital because the visits will be shorter than if they come to my home. I think you might need to rethink your plan! The nurses can help keep the visits short if you let them know your concerns... but at home you're on your own.

BakerMommy · June 2012

I agree with PPs--the hospital is a far more controlled environment than home. People can't get to your room without your permission, and you can have a code with the nurses to kick them out when you want them to leave, making the nurses the bad guys instead of you.

melody921 · June 2012

mlf625:

First as in before your family? Why, exactly, can't they all meet the baby together? I don't think it's fair for either side to be first unless logistics require that to be the case (aka, one family is across the country and the other's in town).

FWIW, I still think you're being weird about this. It's probably going to feel even weirder for someone "extremely shy and private" to have all these visitors at your house (where they'll likely stay for hours) than just to have them stop in the hospital to meet the baby for an hour (where nurses will shoo them away when you signal that it's time).

Yeah, at-home visitors seriously overstay their welcome. I'd rather they come to the hospital for the initial meeting. You can stay in bed, they can coo over the baby. But if you're really against it, I'd invite both sets of parents, at the same time, once you're home.

Sage4200 · June 2012

After all of your feedback I think I actually changed my mind and want them to come. Im just going to have DH give them a specific time so I know Im covered up and baby has been fed and is ready for visitors.

Thanks ladies!! As always I dont know what Id do without my bump boards!

Sage4200 · June 2012

Mom2Mack1:
Why is it a race to see who see's the baby first? When I had DD whoever called and said they were coming saw the baby first. Ended up that MIL & my parents came at the same time but it wasn't planned.

My point to him exaclty. He felt his parents should be first since its their first grandchild. I think its silly...

Sage4200 · June 2012

OSUWifey09:

I mean, if you're really worried about having people just barge in on you, insist on having them call before they come to the hospital. At my hospital, no one can get into the maternity ward without a special code or calling the front desk [then the front desk asks if I want visitors], so it's not like anyone can just pop in whenever they want. Is yours the same way, or do you know yet?

I also like the idea of having some sort of get-together at your house for immediate family only, if you're more comfortable in that type of setting.

Great suggestion!

mrs.kapow · June 2012

Sage4200:
After all of your feedback I think I actually changed my mind and want them to come. Im just going to have DH give them a specific time so I know Im covered up and baby has been fed and is ready for visitors.

Thanks ladies!! As always I dont know what Id do without my bump boards!

Don't forget to inform your favorite nurse so she can give you a heads-up if your H is with you in the room.

MH bought the nurses donuts the second day in the hospital. It's not necessary, but it is never a bad thing to be as nice as you can to those who will take care of you.

Mom2Mack1 · June 2012

Sage4200:

Mom2Mack1:
Why is it a race to see who see's the baby first? When I had DD whoever called and said they were coming saw the baby first. Ended up that MIL & my parents came at the same time but it wasn't planned.

My point to him exaclty. He felt his parents should be first since its their first grandchild. I think its silly...

You're right it is silly.

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